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to expect a laugh out loud joke to get through half term

126 replies

coorong · 21/02/2011 20:20

need some along these lines - to get through me half term - dearly beloved stuck at work again but did send this to appease me

An Englishman, Scotsman, Irishman, Welshman, Dutchman, Chineseman, Korean, Estonian, Bulgarian, Latvian, Italian, Frenchman, Mexican, Argentinian, Chilian, Israeli, Canadian, American, Egyptian, Swede and a Norwegian walk into a pub.
The landlord says "I can't let you in without a Thai"

any other offers?

OP posts:
crapbarry · 22/02/2011 11:03

I like these Latvian jokes too :o

Fenouille · 22/02/2011 11:03

Another German language theme joke (it was used as an ad a few years ago).

There's a new recruit to the German coast guard. He's on his first duty and obviously a but nervous sitting in front of the radar and microphone.

Suddenly, through the ether, comes a faint voice, "Mayday, mayday, we are sinking."

The new recruit shuffles his feet a bit, clears his throat and the call comes again. "Mayday, mayday, we are sinking."

The new recruit clears his throat one last time and says into the mike...

..."Vat are you sinking about?"

Boom boom

ullainga · 22/02/2011 11:13

some more German jokes

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Why are there no aspirins in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

purplepidjin · 22/02/2011 11:20

Did you hear about the man with five willies? His underpants fit like a glove.

What do you call a man with a tree on his head?
Edward
What do you call a man with two trees on his head?
Edward Wood
What do you call a man with three trees on his head?
Edward Woodward
What do you call a man with four trees on his head?
I don't know either, but Edward Woodward would

BitterAndTwistedChoreDodger · 22/02/2011 11:42

Mary and Joe are childhood sweethearts.

Mary always wears a blue ribbon around her neck.

At 16 they Marry and Joe whispers into Mary's ear 'Now we are wed, will you tell me why you wear that ribbon around your neck?'

Mary smiles sweetly and replies 'I'll tell you later'

A year later and mary gives birth to their first child. As Joe finds out he has a son, tears come to his eyes. He whispers again in mary;s ear. 'Mary, now that we have a family, will you tell me why you wear that blue ribbon around your neck?'

Again, Mary replies 'I'll tell you later'.

As the years go by, Their son Paul grows up and is married himself. At every special anniversary or event Joe asks the same question and Mary gives the same reply.

Years later and Mary is on her deathbed. Joe takes his wife by the hand and says. 'Mary I have loved you all my life, I just don't know what I will do without you, I Love you so much'

'Joe''Mary whispers 'come closer so I can tell you something. I want you to know about the ribbon'

'Mary, it doesn't matter, take it to the grave my darling it has always been important to you'

'No, Joe, the time has come, I want you to know. Remove the ribbon'

With shaking hands, Joe looked into the eyes of his dying wife and slowly removed the blue ribbon.

And Mary's head fell off.

SudashesaliveItakeyoutoher · 22/02/2011 11:42

Two little brothers - five and three have a dare to swear in front of mummy at breakfast. Five year old comes down first sits at table and says 'Where's my bloody Coco pops and be bloody quick about it'. Mother whips round throws his bowl of Coco pops at him, drags him screaming and dripping with milk out the chair , opens kitchen door and launches him halfway upstairs to go and wash his mouth out.

She brushes herself down and says to his horrified little brother 'Now Johnny what would you like for breakfast?'

Johnny replies : 'Not fuckin Coco Pops - thats for sure'

newtotheplanet · 22/02/2011 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MyGoatsBeenGot · 22/02/2011 12:11

Spat my coffee over keyboard at CrapSuzette 's baby on the bus joke. Brilliant Grin

maresedotes · 22/02/2011 12:15

Apologies that my nun joke needed a bit of explaining. It's a Vicar of Dibley one and to be fair my mum didn't get it (and I was too chicken to explain it to her)!

steamedtreaclesponge · 22/02/2011 12:39

These are brilliant! Will have to try and remember them...

Where did Noah keep his bees?

In the archives

This has been my favourite drink since I was about 8:

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

steamedtreaclesponge · 22/02/2011 12:41

Favourite drink? Favourite joke Blush

KaraStarbuckThrace · 22/02/2011 12:46

A man enlisted a bookie, a horse trainer and a theoretical physics to predict which horse with absolute certainty would win the Grand National. The three of them went away to have a think.

The bookie came back first.
"I've looked at the past 10 Grand National, who raced, the horses that are this one and previous performances but I can only predict which one will win with a 75% certainty".

The horse trainer came back soon.
"I've looked at the horses and the jockeys, there past performances, how they perform in certain conditions but I can only predict which one will will with a 85% certainty"

The theoretical physicist came back, showing a large piece of paper with an insanely complicated equation on it.

"I can predict with 100% certainty which horse will win the Grand National," he said.
"There is just one difficulty, the horse would have to be a perfect sphere travelling through a vacuum"

I got the German joke and the wears the soap one!

RustyBear · 22/02/2011 12:49

Mares dotes - I think your joke is a liitle older than the Vicar of Dibley....

catinboots · 22/02/2011 12:53

what kind of bees make milk??

Boo-bees

Ruckus · 22/02/2011 12:57

An octopus goes into a bar, and says to the barman "I can play any instrument you give me. If I impress you, let me drink all night for free. Do we have a deal?" Barman's pretty sceptical, says "sure". Gives the octopus a violin; sure enough, plays it like a pro. Gives him a flute, plays it beautifully. Puts him in front of a piano, amazes everyone with his skills. Finally, the barman gives him a set of bagpipes. The octopus struggles with the bagpipes for a good fifteen minutes, grunting and pulling. Finally, the barman says, "you all right mate? Have I found an instrument you can't play?". Octopus replies "instrument? If I can get her bloody pyjamas off I'm going to show her the night of her life!"

olderandwider · 22/02/2011 12:57

Why does it take two women with PMT to change a lightbulb?

BECAUSE IT JUST F*ING DOES!!!!

BonzoDooDah · 22/02/2011 13:18

Two monkeys in the bath ....

One says "oooh ooh ooh"

The other says "well put some cold in then"

(Love the Bonny Tyler one and the conductor!)

chimchar · 22/02/2011 13:44

Brilliant thread. Cheered me right up! Thanks

EggyChick · 22/02/2011 14:31

No accolades for my snowman joke then... :( Can't believe it...

TeamLemon · 22/02/2011 17:54

What do you call a man with leaves on his head?
Russel
.
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff.

What do you call a man with a rabbit on his head?
Warren.

What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
Doug.

What do you call a man without a spade on his head?
Douglas.

Cursingtheboobytum · 22/02/2011 18:06

What do you call an oriental lady with a food mixed on her head? Brenda

What do you call an oriental lady with one leg shorter than the other? Irene

What do you called a lady tied to a riverbank? Maud

Cursingtheboobytum · 22/02/2011 18:07

sorry, food mixer

TheSmallPrint · 22/02/2011 18:13

Love the kangeroot one! Grin

coorong · 22/02/2011 18:29

and it gets worse - my DH gave me The Tommy Cooper joke book for Christmas

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts".

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well", says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down".
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside".
"How's that?"
"Don't you start!"

OP posts:
BehindLockNumberNine · 22/02/2011 19:43

For purplepidjin:

Why does Edward Woodward have so many 'd's in his name??
Because if he didn't he would be called Ewa Woowa!