Why do anarchists drink Herbal Tea?
Because Proper Tea is theft.
Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?
to get to the same side...
As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors. He had
pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor
toys,tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole
works. He ate, drank and slept tractors.
On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a
tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor. His
excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends.
The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive.
Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe
was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe's leg and
fracturing his skull.
He was so upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence.
But the company would have none of it and told him there was no
liability and he could get lost!
You can imagine he was rather p**d off with tractors after this and
vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever.
All the posters came down, the toys were given away - tractors were
GONE.
Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the
cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful
girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face.
Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her
eyes sting and stream with tears.
With that, Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in
all the smoke. He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the
smoke out again.
He went back into the bar where the air was now clear and sweet and
sits down next to the girl.
"That was amazing!" she said, "How did you do that?"
"No problem", said Joe (wait for it)
"I'm an extractor fan"
This bloke is working on the buses and collecting tickets. He rings the
bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the
bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At
the trial the bloke is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas
he's sent to the electric chair.
On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner
grants him a final wish.
"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"
"Yes" answers the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana?" the man asks.
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits until he's
eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch
sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke
clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.
Can I go?" the man asks.
"I suppose so," says the executioner, "that's never happened before."
The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses selling
tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are
still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke
is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The
executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up
to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.
The bloke is again sat in the chair.
"What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned
man.
The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke
eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of
volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears
the man is still there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't
believe it and lets the man go.
Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once
again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this
time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The
executioner rigs up all the electricity in America to the chair,
determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair
smiling.
"What's your final wish?" asks the executioner.
"Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed
lunch?"
The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin
included. The executioner then pulls the handle and a zillion million
trillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is
still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand. How you can
still be alive after all that?" He stroked his chin. "It's something to
do with that green banana isn't it?" he asked.
" Nahh" said the bloke,"I'm just a really bad conductor."
A pub landlord is sat in the bar late at night, doing his accounts. He
sees the ghostly apparition of a cat come through the door, and it's
carrying it's tail in it's mouth.
The man is quite alarmed, but the cat turns to him and says, "Please
don't be alarmed, I only want to ask for your help. I was run over by a
car, and my tail was severed in the accident. Because I'm not complete,
I'm not allowed to enter Heaven, and must wander this earth for ever.
Please would you be able to sew my tail back on so that I can finally
rest in peace ?".
The landlord looks at the poor animal and says, "I'd love to help,
really I would, but I'd lose my licence. You see, I'm not allowed to
retail spirits after 11:00 pm."
Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large
city. This building had 40 levels: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4,
level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level
12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level
19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level
26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level
33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and
level 40.
One day the owner of the building decided to get a PA system installed
on every level, in case there was ever a fire and everyone in the
building needed to be contacted at once. The system was installed on
every level: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level
7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14,
level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21,
level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28,
level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35,
level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.
One day, an employee named John was doing some paperwork on the 21st
level when he saw the pager for the PA system in his boss's office. He
could not resist. He picked up the pager, turned it on, cleared his
throat, and told a joke. It was funniest joke anyone in the building had
ever heard. They were rolling in the aisles, laughing their heads off.
The accountants on level 3 were in tears. The engineers on level 34 were
in hysterics. In fact, workers on every level -- level 1, level 2, level
3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level
11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level
18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level
25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level
32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level
39, and level 40 -- could not stop laughing.
He walked out the door of his boss's office, feeling all proud of
himself, when who should he run into but his boss. "John, come with me
now!" John reluctantly followed his boss back into his office. His boss
looked at him with fury in his eyes. "John," he said, "your joke was
very disruptive to the workers in this building! Productivity was
decreased on level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level
7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14,
level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21,
level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28,
level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35,
level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40! You're fired!
Clean out your desk and get out!"
But then his frown softened and he added, "Still, I have to admit, that
joke was funny on so many levels."