Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in thinking £15,000pa is a perfectly adequate salary for a single person to live on?

261 replies

undersofacushions · 20/02/2011 10:46

Have name-changed to prevent RL 'outing'

Ex-h lives with his parents, working full-time and earning £15,000pa, he moved back in with them when me and DD (almost 2) left 18m ago. He pays no rent or bill contributions, and drives one of their cars that they tax and insure - he just pays petrol. His mum does all the housework, cooking and laundry, he contributes nothing for this.

Me and DD lived near him for a year - me working p/t, 300+ miles away from all of my family. A few months ago I gave up my job and moved to be closer to my parents as both myself and them were suffering ill health.

Ex-h used the calculator on the CSA webpage, and pays what it recommends (£150 per month), the rest he keeps for himself, and regularly boasts about buying 'Waitrose Duchy steak' and other treats for himself. Me and DD make do on IS for now until I find another job.

I asked ex-h (nicely!) whether he would consider upping his contribution for DD as he has plenty of money and no outgoings. I just want to give DD a good quality of life, and he claims to 'love her and miss her' but has only visited us once (for the record, we have no car and I cant drive).

His response was no, he has no spare money, and his salary is so low that he has no choice to live with his parents as his salary is 'not enough to live on', I mentioned to him that is is greater than what I live on per month, and also larger than both my p/t salary and several other jobs salaries that I have lived on at various times.

I did a few calculations, and after tax, NI and maintenance he has £700 left per month for himself. I come up almost £100 short every month.

AIBU in thinking that £15,000 is a perfectly adequate salary, and maybe ex-h is being tighter than a ducks arse?

For the record, I dont want his money, I just want to give DD the quality of life that she deserves, as at the moment if feels like she is being brought up on the breadline while her 'loving and devoted' father lives in luxury.

OP posts:
Original poster
undersofacushions · 23/02/2011 15:12

BlueCollie - I appreciate that your solution does sound simple, in theory.

However, who would be looking after 2yr old DD while ex worked full-time? And where would she sleep? On the floor of his room?

OP posts:
pleasechange · 23/02/2011 15:19

Maybe in BlueCollie's solution your ex could give up his job, and you could work to pay him maintenance?

crashingwaves · 23/02/2011 15:20

I think YABU to expect him to give you more as some have already pointed out that is for you, not the daughter.

However I think what would be reasonable would be for him to make extra contributions to her trust fund or savings account. This would benefit her in the future and mean he has to cut down on Waitrose steaks now ;)

larrygrylls · 23/02/2011 15:29

I think it is completely wrong to not try to give one's children the best one can afford. The problem with bureaucratic institutions like the CSA is that they produce ridiculous calculators to tell someone what they "should" pay which only take into account income and not outgoings. And, people refer to them as if they were gospel written in stone. £15k is a poverty wage if you have to support yourself but as pocket money, it is pretty decent (no rent, no car expenses, no utilities).

Clearly, if he has any moral fibre, he will pay more. On the other hand, were he to move out and support himself, you would probably have to accept him cutting the payments at that point.

FioFio · 23/02/2011 15:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted

pleasechange · 23/02/2011 15:39

good point FioFio

Original poster
undersofacushions · 23/02/2011 15:39

lol @ crashingwaves you have that the wrong way round. I don't want ex's money for me, I'd rather not have it at all - its for DD!

What sort of person would I be if I expected ex-h to support me? Shock I would be being VERY unreasonable if that was what I was after!

OP posts:
notbothered · 23/02/2011 15:42

hmm looks like he left you and you cant accept that. i find it very odd to stalk ex to the point that you know what he is eating Shock 15k isnt enough and i feel sorry for people on such a low income, sorry he works so sometimes he deserves little treat.. or not? noo he should give you all hes got so u can stay at home and moan. damn do something about it.. do you have to provide him with recipts and show how did you spend his money??

larrygrylls · 23/02/2011 15:43

Fiofio,

I don't think I ever said that it did not. I just think you have to take a pragmatic approach and try to be fair to ALL children involved. In any event, it is ridiculous for a parent to enjoy one lifestyle and his children to be forced into a much poorer one.

pleasechange · 23/02/2011 15:47

To be fair though he's not exactly forcing anything is he. Presumably like anyone else the OP is able to seek employment?

FioFio · 23/02/2011 15:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted

Original poster
undersofacushions · 23/02/2011 15:52

.......... notbothered, at the risk of repeating myself - I left ex-h, because of DV issues, I don't stalk him - he brags to me about what he has and what he eats, I only gave up work a month ago (not by choice) and am looking for new work, and £15k is plenty of income when you don't pay rent, bills, food or travel - none of which ex pays for himself.

And if you think he shouldn't give me more, thats your opinion and thats fine, and thanks for it.

And FioFio I agree there are loads of unfair situations where other family and children are involved in maintenance - and arrangements should be fair for all children involved - and for what its worth, if there were overhauls in the CSA system - I'd want those families situations to be prioritised over mine as children in those situations are not considered nearly as much as they should.

OP posts:
Original poster
undersofacushions · 23/02/2011 15:54

The OP is seeking employment, pending resolving childcare issues (aka no nurseries that I can access without a car or 45min+ bus journey having vacancies in my DD's age group for her to be able to attend while I work)

OP posts:
pleasechange · 23/02/2011 15:56

OP it wasn't a poke at you, just a response to someone saying your ex was 'forcing' your child to live in poverty

Original poster
undersofacushions · 23/02/2011 15:57

Thanks allnew, sorry OP is feeling a little defensive! Sad

OP posts:
notbothered · 23/02/2011 15:58

i repeat my question:' do you tell him/provide him with recepits to show him how you spending his £150?

larrygrylls · 23/02/2011 16:00

Notbothered,

Why is it "his" £150? From what the OP has said, all that would allow her to buy was some decent food to eat for her and her child. She is not buying jewellery and sable coats. I am not sure why the OP would need to justify how she spends a payment made for the benefit of both of their child?

TrillianAstra · 23/02/2011 16:01

Provide him with receipts? Why would she do that?

OP you are complaining that he has a lovely lifestyle and could give more money to you for your DD. I understand that, but he is a grown man living with his parents, his lifestyle is not really that nice. He's just bragging about his steak to try to make you feel bad. Don't let him get to you.

notbothered · 23/02/2011 16:04

well why you all thinking hes a bad guy..(could be, but we dont know) hes not here and cant tell..wonder that he dont want to give her more money because hes not happy how she spends them (nobody here knows how)....she knows about his steak and what he knows???

FioFio · 23/02/2011 16:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted

larrygrylls · 23/02/2011 16:05

I don't understand why people are giving the OP a hard time.

Money is money and it is fungible. His parents putting him up, allowing him the use of the car, presumably paying all the utility bills is no different from them giving him a subsidy of probably around £15k before tax. Would people be saying the same things were he earning 30k living away from home or his parents writing him a cheque every year for around 10k?

notbothered · 23/02/2011 16:13

yeah they split because of domestic violence... so why argue and fight with him? surley that will not help later.... a lot of guys dont want to do things because the pressure..to be honest i would do the same thing! if somone would go on and on about what i eat i wouldnt give them any money just because!! dont forget there is a child involved.... i would just say ok no is no..piss off and i deal with it rather than going on about it for h.

FioFio · 23/02/2011 16:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted

notbothered · 23/02/2011 16:17

fio fio it is Smile

adamschic · 23/02/2011 16:18

OP will be getting all her expenses met by the state until she starts working. In additions to this £150 a month that the CSA says she is entitled to, so not sure why he needs to help provide a roof over her head/extra bedroom when these needs are being met and he isn't living there.

He has a right to be able to build another life after a split just as much as OP has. Children have two parents and both have to provide adequately for a child. I can see that she might push for more money if he was a high earner but he is on a very low wage.