in thinking £15,000pa is a perfectly adequate salary for a single person to live on?

[undersofacushions]

Have name-changed to prevent RL 'outing'

Ex-h lives with his parents, working full-time and earning £15,000pa, he moved back in with them when me and DD (almost 2) left 18m ago. He pays no rent or bill contributions, and drives one of their cars that they tax and insure - he just pays petrol. His mum does all the housework, cooking and laundry, he contributes nothing for this.

Me and DD lived near him for a year - me working p/t, 300+ miles away from all of my family. A few months ago I gave up my job and moved to be closer to my parents as both myself and them were suffering ill health.

Ex-h used the calculator on the CSA webpage, and pays what it recommends (£150 per month), the rest he keeps for himself, and regularly boasts about buying 'Waitrose Duchy steak' and other treats for himself. Me and DD make do on IS for now until I find another job.

I asked ex-h (nicely!) whether he would consider upping his contribution for DD as he has plenty of money and no outgoings. I just want to give DD a good quality of life, and he claims to 'love her and miss her' but has only visited us once (for the record, we have no car and I cant drive).

His response was no, he has no spare money, and his salary is so low that he has no choice to live with his parents as his salary is 'not enough to live on', I mentioned to him that is is greater than what I live on per month, and also larger than both my p/t salary and several other jobs salaries that I have lived on at various times.

I did a few calculations, and after tax, NI and maintenance he has £700 left per month for himself. I come up almost £100 short every month.

AIBU in thinking that £15,000 is a perfectly adequate salary, and maybe ex-h is being tighter than a ducks arse?

For the record, I dont want his money, I just want to give DD the quality of life that she deserves, as at the moment if feels like she is being brought up on the breadline while her 'loving and devoted' father lives in luxury.

If he pays what he is supposed to pay based on his wages, to be fair how can you complain.

It is one thing wanting a better life for our children but it is another in reality to be able to do that.

If he already pays what he is supposed to I think that is fair enough.

You have to actually do something yourself to make up the shortfall.

YANBU He should pay more for his DD.

I don't want to come accross as money-grabbing, I just think that if it was the other way around then I would contribute more for my daughters sake.

And WTF is he spending £700 a month on????

He may be saving madly to stand an outside chance of ever being able to move out of his parents' home.

He's paying the correct amount, based on his wages, so I don't really see why you're complaining. You seem more miffed that he doesn't have to pay rent, car tax or do his own housework, tbh.

£15k is a low wage.

£150 is not unreasonable and is the correct amount according to the CSA calculation.

Its none of your business what he spends the rest on, he pays what he is supposed to pay.

Why are you so interested in his wages, working out what he gets etc.,?

Its fuck all to do with you, at least he pays, a lot of women would love their ex partners to pay, I would, I get fuck all and havent for 18 years for either of my kids.

Ok whipping accepted.

I'll go back to working out how the hell to pay the water bill and leave him to his Waitrose steak - he deserves them, his daughter does not.

Surely he has more than £700 to live on. I earn just short of £15000. And each month after tax, NI and pension i have £980 to live on.
However I own a house and havelots of bills and so sometimes struggle, but if he has no other outgoings apart from £150 maintanance i'd think £830 as plenty to live on.

£300 is enough to support a two yr old per month. As he's paying his share of that, I think you need to re-double your efforts to find a job.

You can only be a sahm if you can afford to , and it seems that you can't afford to as you ar. Not in a situation that allows it.

£15k is a very very low wage. Impossible to live on for most people.

Stop obsessing about his waitrose steak. I would imagine he's pretty unsettled at having to move back in with his parents as a grown adult, and is saving madly to try to afford to move out.

You are clearly obsessed with the fact that he isn't having to pay rent, etc - well, hello? who's paying your rent if you're not working? Not you, is it!!!

Stop moaning about the fact that he's paying the amount he's required and find a job yourself, if you're so concerned that your dd has a better standard of living.

If he's wasting his money, frittering it all away, then not yanbu. But if, as someone else suggested, he's trying to save, then yabu; everyone has the right to improve their lives, even if they have kids. Its not like he isnt contributing. If you really analyse, the things you're falling short on financially are not things specifically for your child, they are things like the water bill etc? Which would technically be him supporting you, not your child. If you really worked it out, a 2yr old uses very little in the way of utilities and food! However, in your position, I would also feel very bitter if he is living the life of riley. But if you're on speaking terms enough to know what he's eating (steak), then surely you could broach the subject of your child needing things? Maybe he would pay out for a few one off things for her that she needs, rather than it not being him paying for your hot water, iyswim?

Your water bill would be the same if you had a daughter or not.

Your food bill wouldnt be.

£150 a month should be more than enough to support his child. He isnt meant to be supporting you as well.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I think the amount you are getting is more than fair for a 2yr olds needs.

It also depends where he lives; if its London area, he's got sod all chance of surviving on £15k if he ever wants a place of his own again.

Actually, the other poster has a good point; who is paying your rent? Are you working p/t at the momoent?

£15k is low if he was trying to buy a property but as an amount to live on when he has really limited bills it is loads of disposable income. I would imagine (not had personal experience) that the CSA calculator would expect that salary to have rent, energy bills, food etc coming out of it to leave an allowance of £150 per month.
Personally I think YANBU to be annoyed if he has Waitrose luxuries when you are struggling. Just because other people have worse ex's that pay nothing doesn't negate your experience. To be fair the "you should be glad you get anything I don't" isn't particularly helpful like saying you shouldn't complain about flu cos I've got pneumonia!
Don't think there is much you can do as from what I've seen from other threads CSA don't take into account (lack of) outgoings. Just wanted you to know that you have some support
Bit of a long one that!

he needs to visit her more, that's as much of an issue as the money.
he needs to have a closer relationship with her so he can see whether she's got what she needs; even if you are living apart you are still in it together as parents to some extent, and the fact that he is already giving you a fixed sum of money doesn't make the overall picture of her needs no longer his responsibility.

YABVU, you need to find work rather than relying on everybody else to provide the lifestyle you want.

Given that you dont work you dont actually provide anything for your daughter, find work and contribute £150 the same as the ex does as it is plenty to raise a child per month. £150 would cover a small childs expenses anyway.

The OP said she moved near her parents because of their ill health and HERS, so maybe that's why she's can't work.

YANBU he should want to help more while he is in a position to do so.

I am assuming Op actually looks after her child and this does tend to damage one's earning potential in the absence of free childcare.

sethstarkaddersmackerel - the OP was working p/t until recently, and presumably childcare costs were split between her and the child's father.

She has now stopped working, and he pays the required amount - £150 per month. With her contribution, this equals £300 per month. More than enough to feed and clothe a 2 year old. Her water bills etc would remain the same whether she had a child or not - that's nothing to do with supporting the child.

The bottom line is, the OP seems to resent the fact that her ex moved back in with his parents when she left, taking their dd with her. (Read the OP again - she says she left, not him) It seems that if he's moved into a crumby bedsit, and was living a terrible life, scraping by on 15k, she's feel satisfied. Because he moved in with his parents, thereby enabling a more comfortable standard of living, the possibility of saving to try to move out again, AND all without being a drain on the taxpayer - she's pissed off!

Does he pay his parents rent, help with bills?