in thinking £15,000pa is a perfectly adequate salary for a single person to live on?

[undersofacushions]

Have name-changed to prevent RL 'outing'

Ex-h lives with his parents, working full-time and earning £15,000pa, he moved back in with them when me and DD (almost 2) left 18m ago. He pays no rent or bill contributions, and drives one of their cars that they tax and insure - he just pays petrol. His mum does all the housework, cooking and laundry, he contributes nothing for this.

Me and DD lived near him for a year - me working p/t, 300+ miles away from all of my family. A few months ago I gave up my job and moved to be closer to my parents as both myself and them were suffering ill health.

Ex-h used the calculator on the CSA webpage, and pays what it recommends (£150 per month), the rest he keeps for himself, and regularly boasts about buying 'Waitrose Duchy steak' and other treats for himself. Me and DD make do on IS for now until I find another job.

I asked ex-h (nicely!) whether he would consider upping his contribution for DD as he has plenty of money and no outgoings. I just want to give DD a good quality of life, and he claims to 'love her and miss her' but has only visited us once (for the record, we have no car and I cant drive).

His response was no, he has no spare money, and his salary is so low that he has no choice to live with his parents as his salary is 'not enough to live on', I mentioned to him that is is greater than what I live on per month, and also larger than both my p/t salary and several other jobs salaries that I have lived on at various times.

I did a few calculations, and after tax, NI and maintenance he has £700 left per month for himself. I come up almost £100 short every month.

AIBU in thinking that £15,000 is a perfectly adequate salary, and maybe ex-h is being tighter than a ducks arse?

For the record, I dont want his money, I just want to give DD the quality of life that she deserves, as at the moment if feels like she is being brought up on the breadline while her 'loving and devoted' father lives in luxury.

£15k is avery low`salary.

Your ex is paying the amount dictated by the CSA so I do not think you can really ask him to pay more.

Why can you not get a job instead of living of the state?

Just to clarify, if you speak to ex he will tell you candidly that he prefers living at home, and did until we met, he intends to stay there as, I quote "why would I want to move?" - he is not saving to live elsewhere, he doesn't ever want to.

When I worked ex paid zilch towards her childcare, and has made it clear he wont in future as he has paid his bit.

And yes, I left him, as I thought it better that DD was not bought up in a home where domestic violence took place.

If he lived indepentantly I wouldn't dream of asking more, I only asked him whether he would consider helping as he has expendible money at the moment.

I am job hunting at present.

Please continue the whipping, I'm used to it, I get plenty of verbal abuse from ex-h, ongoing.

Its an adquate amount for someone living with their parents, but he doesn't HAVE to give you any more. If he was living in rented accomodation he wouldn't be able to afford more anyway. He might be eating waitrose steak but he is living with his parents as an adult. I bet if you lived with yours you could buy waitrose steak occasionally too.

Ah the good old drip feed.

You just forgot to mention the domestic violence, while giving us all the details of Waitrose Duchy steak, in your OP....

undersofacushions I think you were brave to leave him and think of your DD and yourself. The lack of contact sounds like it is for the best. I hope you find work and things look up for you soon

secondcoming just because you Ex doesn't pfulfil his obligations, doesn't mean someone else should be happy to accept the same.

Why should she have to give details of the violence in her Op, it wasn't relevant to her question.

Neither is the fact that he sometimes eats waitrose duchy steak.

Fact: he is paying what he is required to pay.

The OP doesn't know for sure whether he's saving or not. Its her assumption that he'll live with his parents forever - he may actually feel quite differently

Depends where he lives and what his pans are. Here, £15k would not get you a bedsit to live in. In other areas it could alow you to buy a house.

We have a friend who has given up work, claims benefits and lives with his mum and dad, almost rent-free. He does not have to lift a finger and buys whatever he likes, when he likes.

He has no intention of getting a job as no job will provide him with the lifestyle he currently has. Yet he will often plead poverty and moan that he is 'living off benefits'. He isn't, he is living off his mumand dad

I can understand your irritation as when we are struggling with 2 jobs to cover our mortgage and bills the last thing we want to hear about it how hard he is struggling and in the same breath his next luxury holiday.

It's all relative, if you live at home and sponge off relatives whilst claiming benefits or earning money then you are better off than those people paying their own way and struggling. But then, I would not want to swap places, I would rather be independent.

Sorry! I didn't think it was relevant (as should it matter who left who?)

I didn't want to land an enormous first post to bore everyone with.

For the record, my inside leg measurement is......

And I know I AM lucky to get anything, there are some total gimps out there who do not support there children at all.

I guess at the end of the day, I love my DD and give her everything I can, and I struggle to understand that ex doesn't feel this way.

doesn't matter why the OP left... marriages do break down. it happens.

it is morally dubious that a father is living a confortable life with plenty of disposable income while his own daughter is living on or close to the poverty line.

but if he has no morals then there's nothing the OP can do about that except insist he keeps paying the CSA calculated amount.

the saddest thing is that he has no relationship with his daughter, if it is safe for him to spend time with his DD then this should be encouraged.. if they actually had a relationship then perhaps he'd care more about her and her economic situation and be able to separate that from his feelings about the OP.

The fact of what he eats was to illustrate the lifestyle he is currently able to afford, so a little more relevant.

YANBU.
I would not ever want to have a higher standard of living than my children. Some men really do resent paying maintenance...baffling as to why you could bear to see your child living in poverty. £150 wouldn't cover a week's childcare for me.

undersofacushions he doesn't feel about your DD like you do because he hasn't lived with her for 3/4 of her life and doesn't know her.

is it suitable for them to begin a relationship?

YANBU!
He is paying what he would be obliged to pay if he had normal outgoings. As he doesn't, it would be more decent of him to contribute more - or at least put some of that away in a savings account for her.

£150 is NOT the half cost of a child. Factor in the cost of an extra bedroom, increased council tax, water rates and utilities due to having a larger property, and you are already looking at £300+ a month without considering food, nappies, milk, clothes, transport, etc etc etc... he is being tight.

And of course her water bill will be higher with having a child - how much more water does a child use through extra washing alone? Then you have to consider things like heating the house - where adults would make do with an extra jumper in winter, DCs need radiators on etc etc etc

The Op is unlikely to live on her own forever too, so the situation is probably going to change anyway at some point.

He pays what he should. If he was violent, then its probably best he doesnt see his daughter very much.. I know I wouldnt want to see someone if they had been violent to me.

£150 is a fair amount anyway for a 2yr olds upkeep. So why are you asking for more money? because if it is for you, then no, he shouldnt have to pay it. You are not his responsbility, his daughter IS.

YANBU, and to all those who think you should be happy with what you get.
Man lives in relative luxury while his childs mother is struggling to keep the child out of poverty? What the fuckity if wrong with you if you think this is an acceptable arrangement?

I thought that maintenance reduces you IS pound for pound?

OP- I think you've had an unfair bashing on this thread.

It is a all too common injustice that after seperation men's lifestyle tends to become more extravagent whilst the woman and kids are left in poverty.

That is why there are so many relationship threads where the women try to stay and repair their abusive relationships rather than doing the right thing, like you, and leaving.

IMO, he should get off his arse and get a better paid/2nd job and be responsible for paying for all you and your DD's costs, rather than leaving it to the state, since it was his fault you left.

Doo his parents know he was abusive and that's why you left?

Be thankful he is volunteering anything at all!!

My EH begrudgingly pays £260 per month for our youngest DD (now 17) and has done for the last 2 years. Before that nothing. I divorced him in 2000.

It may seem like a 'reasonable' amount until I mention he is earning over a 100K yet his 'net' income is assessed at less than £200 per week.

Why? Because he claims (and I've been told this has been proven to the CSA) that he pays over £1000 PER WEEK into his pension.

Under CSA rules this is allowed and any pension contributions have to be disallowed as 'disposable' income.

Bitter moi?

this is so fucking depressing.