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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in thinking £15,000pa is a perfectly adequate salary for a single person to live on?

261 replies

undersofacushions · 20/02/2011 10:46

Have name-changed to prevent RL 'outing'

Ex-h lives with his parents, working full-time and earning £15,000pa, he moved back in with them when me and DD (almost 2) left 18m ago. He pays no rent or bill contributions, and drives one of their cars that they tax and insure - he just pays petrol. His mum does all the housework, cooking and laundry, he contributes nothing for this.

Me and DD lived near him for a year - me working p/t, 300+ miles away from all of my family. A few months ago I gave up my job and moved to be closer to my parents as both myself and them were suffering ill health.

Ex-h used the calculator on the CSA webpage, and pays what it recommends (£150 per month), the rest he keeps for himself, and regularly boasts about buying 'Waitrose Duchy steak' and other treats for himself. Me and DD make do on IS for now until I find another job.

I asked ex-h (nicely!) whether he would consider upping his contribution for DD as he has plenty of money and no outgoings. I just want to give DD a good quality of life, and he claims to 'love her and miss her' but has only visited us once (for the record, we have no car and I cant drive).

His response was no, he has no spare money, and his salary is so low that he has no choice to live with his parents as his salary is 'not enough to live on', I mentioned to him that is is greater than what I live on per month, and also larger than both my p/t salary and several other jobs salaries that I have lived on at various times.

I did a few calculations, and after tax, NI and maintenance he has £700 left per month for himself. I come up almost £100 short every month.

AIBU in thinking that £15,000 is a perfectly adequate salary, and maybe ex-h is being tighter than a ducks arse?

For the record, I dont want his money, I just want to give DD the quality of life that she deserves, as at the moment if feels like she is being brought up on the breadline while her 'loving and devoted' father lives in luxury.

OP posts:
Original poster
undersofacushions · 23/02/2011 13:59

I can't stress enough that I don't want to be supported by the state, or ex-h, this isn't the game plan at all. Two years ago we were married, and the plan was that after 9months maternity leave I would return to work part-time and we would raise DD together as a family unit - this all fell apart, and now its left me feeling that, despite having equal parts in the life we planned for DD, we have different roles in her reality - where I am the parent and takes the stress and he is the free man and takes the income.

I know I am supported by the state at the moment, and I appreciate it and I appreciate the money that ex gives us, and I know I'm lucky as I have my daughter with me and she is worth a million times more than any amount of money. I'm just trying to build the best life I can for her out of the smouldering wreckage of my marriage.

OP posts:
pleasechange · 23/02/2011 14:00

The state is picking up the pwc's bill though, not the nrp's. And I most definitely do agree on the point that maintenance should affect benefits

"Presumably if the OP was receiving more money from her ex (a more realisitc contribution to childcare for example) she could afford to go out to work thus everyones position would improve" - so say for example if childcare was about £800 per month, how on earth would she afford that if the NRP gives her £150 already and he only has £700 or whatever left to live on in total

FioFio · 23/02/2011 14:00

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noodle69 · 23/02/2011 14:01

No I bought for 70k first off on 12k. Second place I got a lot more than that 120k mortgage and we got that jointly with my husband when we were both on minimum wage jobs and I wasnt even working full time. It was in 2006 though so now they have got strict on people taking loads x their income.

No one is rich enough to by x 2.5 of income nowadays my current mortgage is nearly 6 times our household income.

FioFio · 23/02/2011 14:02

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chickchickchicken · 23/02/2011 14:03

yanbu
you only want the best for your child. it seems he puts himself first.
dont feel ashamed. hold your head up high. you had the strength to leave an abusive relationship.
you are ill, you have a very young child and are adjusting to life after the abuse. allow yourself some time to recover and get better.
you had the strength to leave, in time you will be able to have a much better fulfilling life than the sad excuse for a father you left.
put his boasting about the things he can afford down to a pathetic, abusive person trying to cling on to some control over the strong, caring person who had the guts to leave him

Original poster
undersofacushions · 23/02/2011 14:11

Can I please chuck a new bucket of petrol on this fire by asking your opinions on this?

My ex just texted me, he had heard that I'd been selling some of DD's old clothes on ebay to make some money, and he has stated that he should receive 50% of whatever I make on them as he 'has contributed towards buying them and its only fair he gets his share'

I don't know whether I'm coming or going, or what is fair at the moment - what do you think? Personally I would quite like to tell him where to stick it - he is expecting a cheque or cash and a print out of the ebay page when he next sees me.

OP posts:
Thingumy · 23/02/2011 14:16

How did he find out about your ebay sales?

Original poster
undersofacushions · 23/02/2011 14:22

He buys lots of games from ebay and knew my ebay name (from when we were together - we used to share the laptop for a while and would 'log' each other out to log in) - he's been watching my profile.

OP posts:
TobyLerone · 23/02/2011 14:23

Ok. I was on his side until the eBay thing. That's exactly the sort of thing my ex would do just petty.

Thingumy · 23/02/2011 14:24

Selling a few bits of clothes is hardly going to make you hundreds of pounds of profit and I'm sure you are selling on to enable you to buy new items for your son.

I'd tell him to piss off tbh.

He sounds like a utter control freak.

FioFio · 23/02/2011 14:25

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FioFio · 23/02/2011 14:25

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pleasechange · 23/02/2011 14:27

I think you too are still way too interested in what the other one is doing

chickchickchicken · 23/02/2011 14:27

my son once asked me this when we were selling his stuff at a car boot sale. he was 4!

its just another way he is trying to upset you. it doesnt matter to him if he is being reasonable when the goal is to upset you

twinterror · 23/02/2011 14:33

Ignore him. You don't need to respond to his text. Change your profile on ebay and any other websites.

If he rants on - tell him you spent the money from the clothes on new ones for your dd.

do not engage him in conversation or respond or reply to him. He is not part of your life although he may be part of your daughters.

You've walked away from him now REALLY walk away from him, ignore his boasting/texting, he's a total prat and you don't need his interference in your life.

focus on what you want to achieve for yourself, you cannot do that with him causing a lot of white noise in the background

EdgarAleNPie · 23/02/2011 14:39

he is a fuckwit.

an unbelievable fuckwit.

that sounds like a bullying tactic to me.

NancyDrewHadaClue · 23/02/2011 14:39

Fiofio yes yes it is just my opinion Grin and of course we should be getting worked up about those who don't bother to pay at all but I am really struggling to see how it is acceptable for parents that could pay not to.

If you were a NRP how many mothers here would pay the legal minimum of £150 even if they still had £700 pcm disposable income? Genuine question because I would hazzard a guess that most of the woman I see on MN would be falling over themselves to ensure their DC didn't go without. Regardless of the sacrifices they would have to make. they certainly wouldn't be pocketing £700 and saying well I have fulfilled my legal duty...

allnew I actually find it difficult to differentiate between the NRP and PWC's bill. perhaps realsitically it should be considered the childs bill. Both mum and dad have equal responsibility for supporting that child. If neither can then yes of course the state should step in but my reading of this situation is that the father could support the child but chooses not to and that makes him a fuckwit of the highest order. In my opinion of course Grin

As I said I just find it so depressing Sad

pleasechange · 23/02/2011 14:45

"allnew I actually find it difficult to differentiate between the NRP and PWC's bill. perhaps realsitically it should be considered the childs bill. Both mum and dad have equal responsibility for supporting that child." - yes but the fact is that according to the law, the pwc can receive thousands and thousands in maintenance and still receive the same state benefits. So whether you like the sound of that or not, the fact is that the state is paying the pwc.

FioFio · 23/02/2011 14:46

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BlueCollie · 23/02/2011 14:48

OP - you have been on here many times saying the same thing about your ex. He is not going to change and you really need to move on and stop taking such an interest in what he spends his money on. If you think he isn't paying you the right amount go through the CSA. He can do what he likes with his money and he is not responsible for you only your daughter. You would still have to pay rent, bills etc if you didn't have your daughter.
Yes he isn't a nice man but you chose to have a child with him. If you are struggling that much looking after your daughter maybe you could give him full custody or you could go out and get a job like lots of other people do. And before people flame me for saying that...I know women who work and support their children without any help from the father or from fathers that give the amount recommended by the CSA.

NancyDrewHadaClue · 23/02/2011 14:49

allnew and as I said I think that is wrong Smile

pleasechange · 23/02/2011 14:51

Wrong yes, but still true. And my opinion on whether the state is subsidising or not is based on the law as it stands, not how you or I would prefer to see it

Thingumy · 23/02/2011 14:52

'If you are struggling that much looking after your daughter maybe you could give him full custody or you could go out and get a job like lots of other people do'

Listen everybody,Bluecollie has all the answers!

It's all so simple isn't it?

Hmm
BlueCollie · 23/02/2011 15:03

I knew I would get a flaming for that but they both had a child and in my view if one is really struggling then let the other one take over the main care at least that would stop them being able to spend thier money on just themselves. I work, like lots of my friends, to provide for my child. Not a hard concept to understand is it??? To not expect the state to pay for me or my son who I chose to have??

My DH pays what the CSA state as we can't afford more. His ex moans that she doesn't get enough money...all this while going out, having her hair done, smoking etc. Her rent and council tax being paid/reduced by the state.