in thinking £15,000pa is a perfectly adequate salary for a single person to live on?

[undersofacushions]

Have name-changed to prevent RL 'outing'

Ex-h lives with his parents, working full-time and earning £15,000pa, he moved back in with them when me and DD (almost 2) left 18m ago. He pays no rent or bill contributions, and drives one of their cars that they tax and insure - he just pays petrol. His mum does all the housework, cooking and laundry, he contributes nothing for this.

Me and DD lived near him for a year - me working p/t, 300+ miles away from all of my family. A few months ago I gave up my job and moved to be closer to my parents as both myself and them were suffering ill health.

Ex-h used the calculator on the CSA webpage, and pays what it recommends (£150 per month), the rest he keeps for himself, and regularly boasts about buying 'Waitrose Duchy steak' and other treats for himself. Me and DD make do on IS for now until I find another job.

I asked ex-h (nicely!) whether he would consider upping his contribution for DD as he has plenty of money and no outgoings. I just want to give DD a good quality of life, and he claims to 'love her and miss her' but has only visited us once (for the record, we have no car and I cant drive).

His response was no, he has no spare money, and his salary is so low that he has no choice to live with his parents as his salary is 'not enough to live on', I mentioned to him that is is greater than what I live on per month, and also larger than both my p/t salary and several other jobs salaries that I have lived on at various times.

I did a few calculations, and after tax, NI and maintenance he has £700 left per month for himself. I come up almost £100 short every month.

AIBU in thinking that £15,000 is a perfectly adequate salary, and maybe ex-h is being tighter than a ducks arse?

For the record, I dont want his money, I just want to give DD the quality of life that she deserves, as at the moment if feels like she is being brought up on the breadline while her 'loving and devoted' father lives in luxury.

]mmh[ .ecin laer , eciN ?tnuc yzal a gnieb htiw yawa steg erhtaf eht dna gnihtyreve od dluohs rehtom eht oS

I have no idea why my comment cam out backwards.

I would just try and manage the best you can on what you get on the old Income support rules you would have seen very little of his maintenance money as it would have been taken off you.
Ris above his waitrose steak you are bringing your dd up.
My dd is 14 now and i have never had a penny from her dad and we have managed ok i dont feel she has had a substandard upbringing, I claimed IS till she was 2 and then got a job which i am still doing and love it. we dont have luxuries but never have and we manage. we live a happy life

maybe it was the backward comments of some of the stnuc on this thread?

Oh Lord, you sound well out of it - a mummy's boy who takes no responsibility and is a wife beater to boot. If I were you I'd just thank my lucky stars he bothered to pay anything at all, and have as little to do with him as possible. Put your resentment behind you, sigh a big sigh of relief, and move on as quickly as possible.

You must also never feel ashamed you are doing the hardest job ever in bringing up you dd alone you should be proud of yourself. you are not making a mess of her life please dont ever think that

15k is a typical starter salary where i work. many people live independently on that - quite easy for a single person. it just takes a bit of care. (i live in SE, not London)

the Op is NBU to want a bit more from him, bcause he could afford more.

although probably OP, it's just not worth getting upset over, you've got no means to redress, and being angry with him doesn't help you.

at buzz!

Surely it costs more than £300 to care for a small child? Food, clothes and extra utilities may not come to much, but what about the cost of actually caring for the child - either in lost earnings if the op does it herself, or in childcare bills if she goes out to work. £75 a week is not a lot to cover all of this!

He sounds immature.

Forget about him (as much as you can). Let him visit regularly, but set about trying to get the best possible job with the best possible prospects for you and your DC.

I understand that you think he should pay more, but just show him how fabulous you are!

I think £15,000 isn't a huge salary for him to live on, but I'm a bit surprised so many people are saying "Go out and get a job". I think this is simplistic - although you can feed and clothe a child cheaply, childcare is expensive and it doesn't sound as though the maintenance from the ex would cover that.

So he has no other outgoings? No credit card bills or loans/overdrafts from when you were together?

OP - I would try not to think about when he's spending his money on. If you do that you could end up becoming quite bitter.

rod In my experience most blokes hot foot it back to their parents house after a split, so it's not uncommon. I remember making a comment on a date once saying the same and monumentaly putting my big feet in my moiuth when I asked my date where he lived and the answer was 'with my parents'. Oops {grin]

When i was on 17k it was a huge struggle. Nearly all of it went on rent, council tax and petrol.
Now i've been laid off and am only part time, i dream of earning 17k again! However, my living conditions and therefore those expenses, changed.
but it really depends on your outgoings. I lived near London when i was on that. Even with reasonable rent (for the area) it was a major struggle.

Different case for your Ex and he should have a huge amount of disposable income!

YABU he is meeting his obligations. Whethee he is living a life of luxury is irrelevant and mostly speculation on your part, you have no idea what his outgoings are.

well, he's paying what he's meant to. It would be nice if he paid more but he could pay nothing at all voluntarily, and need to be hounded through the courts to make a contribution. In an ideal world the nrp would pay as much as they could afford, not as much as they are assessed as being required to pay. Sadly we don't live in an ideal world.

I do agree with those who have said that thinking too much about how he is spending his money will just make you bitter. As I think will feeling hard done by because other fathers may pay much more for their children than you get for your DD. If he's paying the right amount already, other than by trying to appeal to his good nature, you're not going to be able to increase what he pays. The only way to make things better for yourself is to earn your own money, and then your finances are in your control, not his.

I get nothing from my Ex, I am still paying off debt he ran up, whilst he lives with his parents. I am in the fortunate position of earning a good salary, but that's only because I have always worked full time in a stressful and demanding job - tbh I've had no choice but to do so to pay the bills.

I should add £15k is not a huge salary; I have a single friend who earns slightly less, about £14k pa. She doesn't have a car, doesn't smoke, barely drinks. After paying her rent and basic bills (not even insurance as she can't afford it) she has at best £10 pw left. She is certainly not living the high life!

I agree with shiney, noone should have to feel grateful for receiving maintenance for their children! I get £5 per week from ex for our DD, which is what the CSA say he should pay. He also lives at home with his mum and lives the life of riley. It is annoying but I'm over it, I have no choice but to accept it and move on. However, I certainly don't resent other lone parents receiving more from their exes! I think any man should want to pay as much as they possibly can, regardless of what the CSA say. Unfortunately, not many men feel this way and are happy for their DC to go without

He's violent, he doesn't visit his daughter, but he does at least pay what he's been assessed to pay. Cut your losses and stop chasing perfection, he's clearly not going to deliver.

If you're still £100 short a month try the Debt Free Wannabe board at the Money Saving Expert forum. They'll find it.

Have to agree with Underachieving last post. You'll tie yourself up in knots trying to get him to give you more, regardless of whether or not he can afford it.

Men that are reliably going to pay more than the bare legal minimum (or often even the legal minimum) generally do so reasonably willingly. Or else they give plausible, evidence as to why they can't afford to.

There are men who will even go as far as to make themselves unemployed (or leave the country!) to ensure they don't have to pay. (You see if they end up on JSA they only have to pay £5 a week out of their JSA - regardless of how many children they have).

Get over toe MSE - or the Money Matters topic on MN - and down to CAB/Welfare Rights if you're struggling finanncially - someone like him can't be relied upon to pay more money regularly enough for you to safely be able to budget it into your monthly income.

I'm coming in a bit late to this, but my advice would be to ask him to pay for specific things. I don't get much more than you for two dc's, but ex will pay half for cubs, or after school type clubs that the dc's want to do. He writes a cheque payable directly to whoever, and I think he prefers that because he sees it as a direct benefit to the dc, rather than money that just goes in our family pot iyswim.

I think you should manage your money better.... Why should the father of your child pay more?? He pays what he should and that is it.
Women like you make me sick! you get benifits thrown at you, Rent, council tax benifit, income support, child benifit Tax credits... i think you earn enough from the tax payer as it is.
Live in another country and see if you get the same support! i very much doubt it.
There are alot of people going through the same thing as yourself and not complaining. Maybe your social life is a little more expensive and you sooner do that than support your child with the finer things.
Get real girl, he shouldnt have to support you... just his child. Life sucks hey.... Build a bridge and get over it!

YANBU

IME, men are always obsessed with paying the "right" amount and not being taken for a ride, paying what you're entitled too etc. And then expect gratitude that they do the bare minumum. If I was apart from my DC's, I would send them all my money. If my ex used it to go on holiday, furnsih their home, and buy a car, I would be happy that my DC's benefitted from these things.

Expectation of absent fathers is so low, we don't really expect much more than paying what the CSA calculator says they should.

By the way the 'Waitrose Duchy steak' is rather nice ;)

Perhaps he's saving up to get somewhere on his own but tbh it doesn't matter as it's his money so he can spend it on booze and gambling if he wants - he's your ex and so you have no right whatsoever to interfer. He pays what is due so why do you think he should pay more. From your post it looks like you left him so it's not like you can even be bitter about him walking out. Perhaps he's moved home for emotional support. Sounds like he's actually being sensible but overall it's none of your business anymore.

hmm a little harsh I think there Lee.

Princess - "what is due" is really pitifully low. If I could be arsed to go through the CSA for support for my DS's from my exH I would get the princely sum of £5 a week to contribute towards supporting them.........that's for 3 children.