in thinking £15,000pa is a perfectly adequate salary for a single person to live on?

[undersofacushions]

Have name-changed to prevent RL 'outing'

Ex-h lives with his parents, working full-time and earning £15,000pa, he moved back in with them when me and DD (almost 2) left 18m ago. He pays no rent or bill contributions, and drives one of their cars that they tax and insure - he just pays petrol. His mum does all the housework, cooking and laundry, he contributes nothing for this.

Me and DD lived near him for a year - me working p/t, 300+ miles away from all of my family. A few months ago I gave up my job and moved to be closer to my parents as both myself and them were suffering ill health.

Ex-h used the calculator on the CSA webpage, and pays what it recommends (£150 per month), the rest he keeps for himself, and regularly boasts about buying 'Waitrose Duchy steak' and other treats for himself. Me and DD make do on IS for now until I find another job.

I asked ex-h (nicely!) whether he would consider upping his contribution for DD as he has plenty of money and no outgoings. I just want to give DD a good quality of life, and he claims to 'love her and miss her' but has only visited us once (for the record, we have no car and I cant drive).

His response was no, he has no spare money, and his salary is so low that he has no choice to live with his parents as his salary is 'not enough to live on', I mentioned to him that is is greater than what I live on per month, and also larger than both my p/t salary and several other jobs salaries that I have lived on at various times.

I did a few calculations, and after tax, NI and maintenance he has £700 left per month for himself. I come up almost £100 short every month.

AIBU in thinking that £15,000 is a perfectly adequate salary, and maybe ex-h is being tighter than a ducks arse?

For the record, I dont want his money, I just want to give DD the quality of life that she deserves, as at the moment if feels like she is being brought up on the breadline while her 'loving and devoted' father lives in luxury.

Thankful that he has acknowledged his part in maintaining 'their' DD.

Try dealing with the CSA and you may know what I mean!!!!

YANBU - the CSA is the minimum - I think it's morally reprehensible for her father to be living the life of riley while her mother is struggling to bring her up.

£150 a month is adequate to feed & clothe her, but it also needs to contribute to the cost of living when you have a child. If the OP wasn't looking after their child she could live with her parents/friends/flatmates as he is doing - she can't (well, can't isn't the right word - it's not as easy or as suitable when you have a toddler).

Given the DV and his lack of interest in your DD - I'd be happy for him to have as little contact as possible. I would also be telling him to contact you through your solicitor - you don't need to be talking to him anymore, stop letting him verbally abuse you.

I agree with that last point shineoncrazydiamond.

I don't think anyone should feel 'grateful' to get what they are entitled to.

But the point is: the OP is getting what she's entitled to.

Reading through the OP, it seems more a case of resenting the fact that the ex has moved back to his parents, than anything else.

OP - if your ex was living in a grotty rented flat, it wouldn't change what your dd is receiving. It sounds as though it would just make you feel better - which is a different issue.

And FWIW, if he were living in rented accommodation on an income of 15k, he's be receiving all sorts of benefit top ups. So actually, lets be thankful that if he's the arsehole you descibe, he's at least being an arsehole at his parents expense , rather than tax payers.

OP

I recognise your story from a previous thread (not sure why you name changed when you haven't really given any different details here). I won't link the thread because it is your decision, but I really think it would be worth you linking the thread to explain a bit more of the background that has led to you asking for more money from your ex.

Violethill, a single man on £15k would not be receiving any benefits or top ups to my knowledge (I am a benefits adviser). If he were living alone, money would be extremely tight.

OP, I deeply sympathise with you, but I'm very sorry I think YABU. The fact is that your Ex is paying what he should. He has no right to make comments to you about what you spend on your daughter and if he thinks it should be more, he should contribute more. But £15k is a low wage and as a single man with no kids he will not be entitled to any extras. The only reason he isn't skinny broke is because he lives with his parents. Even if he does choose to give you more, you can't start to rely on it because if he chooses to move out (which as an adult he has every right to do) he won't be able to afford to pay more.

I know it's difficult accepting a huge drop in income - I'm there right now myself. But such is life.

rod - I hate to dissapoint you but I haven't posted about my situation before (as I'm a bit ashamed about it and the mess I'm making of DD's life) - I don't start many posts, you are more likely to find me popping up in threads and sitting on the fence umming and arring.

I try to maintain as much contact between my ex and DD as possible, I'd never want to stand between them. Ex claims to love DD, his parents say he is a doting father, and he does sometimes send her expensive presents.

I just feel I wanna thank shine especially for your advice and input! And others who have 'stuck up' for me in this - and everyone else for your point of view.

I'm happy to be called a spade if I am a spade, and I am grateful.

OP you mean this isn't you? Eerily similar!

No, their DD is 2 months younger than mine, and I've never been able to afford organic, it all tastes the same anyway!

If it's not you, very depressing to think that there are tons of these boomerang boys having it large at their parents' houses while their exes and children struggle!
Sorry got to go out, as I said deep sympathy to you OP even though I think YABU.

I think that people giving the op a whipping are being extremely unreasonble and should read the full post before storming in with get a job or stop
living off the state , the op clearly stated she had to move to help her parents and I think she has been through enough in rl without getting a roasting on here for no good reason.
Yanbu it is his child too he should be a man take responsible for his child find himself a home and stop living with hisparemts like a child.
I think he is cruelly rubbing it in your face with how comfortable he is if he mentions all the nice things he has while you struggle , don't listen to him don't let him have that power over you
and good luck with everything .

YANBU - I don't understand the mentality at all, when you live with your child you give them every spare penny, mine have eaten steak whilst I've had cheese on toast. Why does that change when you've split with the other parent ? Just because the CSA says £150 doesn't mean that's all you have to pay.

If I had cheese on toast, everyone else would have cheese on toast.. lol.

Great, now I want cheese on toast

I didn't eat it in front of them squeakytoy or else as you say they think you are treating yourself and forcing them to eat sirloin steak as a punishment :(

he must be totall arse, eattign steak, letting his child go without

how do you know he was eatting waitrose dutchy steak though?
from some sort of fackbook updat eor something?
if so perhaps keep all communication to a min

doesn't seem right at all after a lot of splits the dads seem to have plenty of money and the women are struggling

but at least you get the child.

i'd be happy poor as long as i have my dd

My arguement would be why does he not want the same standardfor his daughter that he has.

We earn 7.5k more than that with the 3 of us and manage to have a mortgage, car, holidays etc. He is being unreasonable he must have loads of money left over.

Totally agree with Shiney, you should not feel grateful just because your exh contributes something and other's exhs have contributed nothing. That's stupid. Why should we all aspire to the lowest common denominator?

Would that apply to DV as well 'well my exh hit me 3 times a day so you should be grateful yours only hits you once'

And any 'normal' parent should want to contribute more than the state minimum surely?

darleneconnor Sun 20-Feb-11 11:59:58
I thought that maintenance reduces you IS pound for pound?

Wrong and the op will kept the whole £150 on top on income support, child tax credits, child benefit and any housing allowance she maybe entitled to.

My arguement would be why does he not want the same standardfor his daughter that he has.

Plenty of those types around, I asked my ex for half his DD's school fees of £3,500 and so far he has spent £2,500 on a barrister to say no to that request. Complete tit what can you do ?

keep

my view on this is that if you want better for your daughter then you have to achieve this yourself. Build a better life and then what he does or doesn't do won't matter.

plus, if he's paying what CSA say he should then you dont have much of a case. Perhaps the steak was for his parents as well to say thanks for housing him?