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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

bulling on mumsnet.

1006 replies

threefeethighandrising · 20/02/2011 08:53

Yes, this is a thread about a thread. Or lots of threads in fact. So shoot me.

I'm shocked saddened by the level of bullying that goes on, particularly in AIBU.

I'm not complaining about people speaking their minds. One of the things I love about mumsnet is frank exchanges, that people can say what they want.

What worries me is a nasty group mentality - people ganging up on a poster - usually a new one - and picking apart their story and being absolutely, unforgivably nasty to them.

We teach our DCs to stand up to bullies. Well, how do we stand up to these ones?

I've recommended mumsnet to many people over the years, as a place you can find fantastic support, frank and honest opinions. Those kinds of threads make me question whether this is a place I should be inviting any one other than those with a very think skin. Which is a real shame IMO.

I'm not really asking AIBU. I am asking how we can stand up to bullies on mumsnet. I've posted it here because it happens here a lot.

OP posts:
LeQueen · 23/02/2011 12:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

altinkum · 23/02/2011 12:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

altinkum · 23/02/2011 12:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SarahStrattonHasNiceBears · 23/02/2011 12:53

IMO there is a huge difference between bullying and a large percentage of people disagreeing with an OP. Particularly in AIBU. If you don't want to hear opinions that differ from yours then it really is the wrong place to post. And disagreeing and asking for more clarity/information is NOT bullying.

Or does bulling refer to bullshit? There is plenty of that around.

[originality emoticon]

emsy41 · 23/02/2011 12:55

I am fairly new to mn but I find it really sad that some people here are stating that the idea of mn is to be able to be nasty. (am i reading this wrong??) I actually have no desire to be nasty and i honestly thought,innocently it seems, that this type of site is to offer one another support. I would like to add that, yes we are fully grown, some of us more than others!!!! (have slight weight issue as mo) but this is a mothers site, some of which will be pregnant or with new borns etc which means that we will be that little bit more vulnerable to nasty comments. I m not a woolly hippie but i do think even though this is virtual we could still just empathise a little with others.

sorry for headmistress type rant

KazBarTFG · 23/02/2011 12:58

I'm also a newbie and I started a thread a bit like this last week and got a pasting and rightly so!!! Pretty much because my title contained the word 'bastards', what did I learn I hear you ask?

Absolutely nothing!

I respect everyone has an opinion but I have opinions too, but choose to express them in a much kinder way - I don't need to be harsh just because it's the truth, I like to see both sides of an arguement and then give my opinion, on the whole I think I'm a nice person and posting on AIBU does not give me the right to be tactless and in some cases mean.

BUT....
Someone posted a reply to my "bastard" thread saying something like - why dont we all walk into a pub, start moaning about the beer and calling all the locals bastards - what response would you expect to get then? It's the same thing for MN - take from it what you wish, but in some cases if you can't stand the heat, get out the kitchen.

I respect the people who want to stick up for themselves and the community in which they spend time (ie Mumsnet) That's why i'm staying, cos I like it.

I have received some valuable advice in my short time using MN and I've even managed to have some laugh out loud moments....those times stay with me and the pastings seem to disappear like water off a ducks back...

ifancyashandy · 23/02/2011 12:58

I've been on MN for about a year. Not a massive poster but definitely put my POV across on a number of occassions and gone up against 'Royalty'.

Never felt bullied. Have been called upon to justify myself. Have done so if I've felt the request was justified, ignored if not.

Generally, those who I think some consider bullies are those vocal, honest, funny women who tend to be flippin' good writers and not afraid to call a spade a shovel. Long may they continue to post as they do.

They seem like the kinda ladies I'd like to get drunk with know in RL.

SarahStrattonHasNiceBears · 23/02/2011 12:58

IMO there is a huge difference between bullying and a large percentage of people disagreeing with an OP. Particularly in AIBU. If you don't want to hear opinions that differ from yours then it really is the wrong place to post. And disagreeing and asking for more clarity/information is NOT bullying.

Or does bulling refer to bullshit? There is plenty of that around.

[originality emoticon]

BecauseImWorthIt · 23/02/2011 13:27

Asking for facts and clarification on an AIBU thread is important - it helps to establish whether or not posters thing the OP is BU or not. Why people think this is hounding or bullying, I really don't know.

If you think someone is bullying, then call them on it and say why you think it is bullying.

I have seen no evidence of bullying on here. Bullying is something systematic and ongoing.

Yes, I have seen nasty and thoughtless posts. But actually surprisingly rarely, given the volume of posts.

If you don't like forthright views, or people who dare to disagree with you or challenge you, then I think it is fair to say that MN is probably not the best place for you to be.

fit2drop · 23/02/2011 13:48

KazBarTFG Wed 23-Feb-11 12:58:15

KazBarTFG I could have written that post of yours.

That is exactly how I feel.

If people don't like this place (even if it is easier to read than netmums) then leave.... easy peasy.
Hmm

Or tell people who a irking you somewhat to feck off and then ignore them (omit the feck off as is your choice Grin

KazBarTFG · 23/02/2011 13:53

fit2drop, thanks - I reckon I've got the right attitude, shame everyone doesn't feel the same.

I can understand why the regs would be irked by us newbies coming along and calling them allsorts...

stream · 23/02/2011 14:03

I looked for your post with bastards in the title, KazBar coz I didn't read it at the time (seen too many variants). But, what a lot of posts with bastards in the title. The cat one was funny, so thanks for that! Grin

Guildenstern · 23/02/2011 14:08

When I saw this thread title I thought it would be all about Harry-Flashman-style sex.

Apparently it's a serious conversation about bullying on the internet. I have nothing to add to that, as you were.

LeQueen · 23/02/2011 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

roseability · 23/02/2011 14:22

'but frankly I would rather be a sensitive soul than some thick skinned bitch who enjoys the anonymity of her computer to attack people in a way she would never dream of face to face'

Exactly. I have been a regular poster for years but a recent thread that ended up with personal insults and accusations of being a bad mother hurled at me just left me dejected with the whole thing.

It never ceases to amaze me how much people will justify bullying with the 'if you can't take the heat etc' argument.

The other one is 'just run along' - stop being so sensitive.

I was systematically bullied and abused by a step father and it was the same mentality - he would accuse me of not being able to be disagreed with and being oversensitive.

This has taught me that you must trust your own instincts. If it doesn't feel right, well trust that. There are bullying types here as there are in all walks of life e.g. family, work. I can spot the signs easily enough and it is possible to bully online and not as simple as turning you computer off.

It is also sadly true that the playground mentality exists all through life. The bullies who have to proove themselves because they probably have been damaged by bullies themselves and the co-dependents who have to ingraciate themselves to the bullies because it is a common dynamic.

slim22 · 23/02/2011 14:23
roseability · 23/02/2011 14:24

There is a difference between sarcasm, forthrightness and bullying

GMajor7 · 23/02/2011 14:30

I have a love/hate thing going on with MN.

On the one hand, there is a definite cliqueishness, MN Royaly (although this is denied), arse licking, bitchiness, MASSIVE egos and competitive wittiness.

HOWEVER....

There are some very kind people here who give up their time to give the most fantastic advice and support. Some threads are hilarious and a great tonic when you're dog tired from caring for young children/working/both.

Very much like RL

roseability · 23/02/2011 14:32

I agree GMajor7 - tis human nature

SarahStrattonHasNiceBears · 23/02/2011 14:32

I got my very first deleted post for telling someone to shove off to suggesting they try Numsmet

slim22 · 23/02/2011 14:35

for many this is RL.
Why should it be artificially codified ?

SarahStrattonHasNiceBears · 23/02/2011 14:37

Netmums

KazBarTFG · 23/02/2011 14:42

Sarah - were you kidding when you mentioned of having a deleted post?

roseability · 23/02/2011 14:45

exactly slim22

But I suspect for some it is an escape from real life and a different persona.

Hullygully · 23/02/2011 14:49

This is really boring.

Name some bullies and have done.

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