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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit disappointed that I never got to choose an engagement ring?

101 replies

AmDramMam · 19/02/2011 19:48

I was with my now DH for 5 years before he proposed. During that time I dropped heavy hints about the type of ring I wanted. (Nothing flash but something a bit unique, possibly antique.)

He ended up getting a ring himself and proposing with it. He consulted a jeweller friend of his who talked him into getting a 'classic' brilliant cut solitaire diamond on a plain white gold band. (The jeweller said the brilliant cut style kept it's sparkle and holds its value.)

Of course I was over the moon about getting engaged and said I loved it.

However, although I love DH, I don't love the ring, and can't seem to get over the fact that DH blatantly ignored what I had said I wanted in favour of something (sorry for anyone who's got one) quite boring that 'holds its value'. I also feel like I've missed out on actually choosing something together that's unique.

The other day, someone was discussing engagement rings and DH said 'aren't you glad I ignored what you wanted and got you that one'. I really had to bite my tongue.

AIBU and should just be grateful and get over it (after all he's a great DH and father) or would you feel the same?

OP posts:
nickytwotimes · 19/02/2011 19:50

i'd get over it.

it's only a ring.

if it is indicitive of other 'issues' then that's something else.

NinkyNonker · 19/02/2011 19:51

YABU in my book, I always thought it was traditional for the man to have the ring when he proposed. DH said he wouldn't have proposed without one.

However, if it is something that you discussed and he knew what you wanted, maybe a little YANBU. But he put thought and effort into something, so I'm back to YABU again.

Either way I would certainly advise 'getting over it'.

NancyDrewHadaClue · 19/02/2011 19:52

I think you'll get a rough ride over this but actually I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

Anyone who gives any gift knowing that it is not what the other person actually wants but presumes their taste to be better and opinion to be more worthy than that of the recipient has either been thoughtless or arrogant.

ChildofIsis · 19/02/2011 19:53

Be grateful you got engaged.
We just seemed to go from decision to marry to wedding without the normal stuff in the middle.

Mind you dh is a yorkshireman, never spend if you don't have to!
Maybe if I hadn't been so keen I'd have got the ring.

We had been together 7yrs at that point though with what was a huge mortgage.

LemonDifficult · 19/02/2011 19:53

YABU if it's affecting things so much that you need to remind yourself and us that he's 'a great DH and father)!

Just tell him. Say, I really wanted the other type, but now I love this one for all it means to me. Please can we get me another one one day that will be what I actually wanted - then I'll have both sentimental and gorgeous.

BooyFuckingHoo · 19/02/2011 19:54

i dont think YABU at all. if i were ever to get married i would have a say in what sort of ring i had. woudl your DH be very offended if you told him how you felt? i don't think you should have to feel at all grateful for something that you made clear wasn't what you wanted.

BrummieSeagull · 19/02/2011 19:54

The wedding ring is the one that lasts.

Make sure you choose that on.

NancyDrewHadaClue · 19/02/2011 19:55

As for the "getting over it" it depends what you mean.

Should you raise it with him now? Probably not.

Should you be forced to bite your tongue next time he makes a smug comment? Not necessarily.

It is certainly not worth making a big deal of it but there is certainly no harm in a little kindly spoken honesty.

BrummieSeagull · 19/02/2011 19:55

Or that one, even.

VerylazyBecsy · 19/02/2011 19:56

i would feel the same-but then im quite an intolerant person who doesnt like being ignored and dh would never (deliberately) go against my wishes-have you actually got married yet? you could choose the most amazing wedding ring ever and then wear engagement ring on other hand? i could see why you might not want to do this, though. If you cant think of a compromise might be best to just forget about it and remember it's just a ring?

tuggy · 19/02/2011 19:57

YANBU this is something you will be wearing every day for the rest of your life. If you could only wear one pair of trousers for the rest of your life you'd try damn hard to make sure they were 'right'

To totally ignore your wishes on something so important (and expensive) is ludicrous. He may as well not have bought one, as buy the wrong one.

I'd be very jumping between being angry and being upset if my (hypothetical) husband to be had spent all that money on something for me to wear everyday and i'd told him what I liked and he ignored me...

on the other hand, he obviously didnt do it maliciously and i'm sure would be really upset if he thought for a second you didn't love the ring.

bethelbeth · 19/02/2011 20:00

My mum upgrades her wedding and engagement rings every few years.
It's just a ring, although it's a bit of an investment now for my parents too.

Suggest selling the one you have while the gold price is high and look for one you would like. But remember- with the gold price being so high you might not find something that you like within budget.

onceamai · 19/02/2011 20:01

I don't know - I would have loved a solitaire, especially a big one and I assume that's what you've got as holding the value has been discussed.

My DH proposed, I said yes and then we talked about the ring. He said something like, "I suppose you'll want to go to more than one shop" I said yes, so he said well you'd better sort out what you want and I'll come and pay for it once you've decided. I was given a budget, and told to make sure it was bigger than "DH's best friend's wife" and that was that - not a big enough budget for a worthwhile solitaire though, ie, at least a carat. To be honest nothing has changed and I knew what I was getting. And 20 years on he isn't that bad.

d0gFace · 19/02/2011 20:01

Get your dh to buy one you do like for your anniversary to replace it?

BrummieSeagull · 19/02/2011 20:02

I don't wear my engagement ring any more. It kinda got trumped by the other one

It's on the bedside table and periodically gets swiped by the cat.

I don't dislike it - but it was of its time and tbh much more uncomfortable than the wedding ring I now wear (even though I did choose it myself...)

trixie123 · 19/02/2011 20:18

definitely YANBU. I made sure my (now ex) DH and current DP knew / know that I would want to choose the ring myself and that shopping for it together would be all part of it (in neither case was / is a proposal coming out of the blue. I know a number of people who DID propose with a joke ring from Argos or something and made sure their fiance knew they would be getting a "real" one together. You are wearing this forever and if its perfectly reasonable to be upset about it. I think I would have to tell my DH in your situation that while I appreciated his effort and you love what the ring represents, it is some way from what you personally would have chosen and maybe on your next significant anniversary you could get something more like what you wanted. (or maybe just suggest the last bit without saying the first bit)

ENormaSnob · 19/02/2011 20:24

Yanbu

the smug comment would've pissed me right off

PavlovtheCat · 19/02/2011 20:26

yabu

Piffpaffpoff · 19/02/2011 20:27

YANBU. I told my DH that I would want to pick it if he ever got round to it. So I was given a bit of copper pipe cut into a ring at the actual proposal and then got sent off the next Saturday morning with a budget and told to get whatever I wanted, although he did say he would like it to include a particular colour of stone for personal sentimental reasons. I got the very ring I wanted and was delighted, but the copper pipe ring sits in a box in my bedside cabinet and will be kept forever!

TarheelMama · 19/02/2011 20:27

YANBU. My DH gave me a ring I hated. I agonised for a month and then told him I hated it. We took it back and got something I liked (at much better value, which DH liked). I didnt want to wear a ring I hated for the rest of my life.

If it bothers you so much tell him. Not easy to do, but best for you.

squeakytoy · 19/02/2011 20:27

A woman can never have too many rings Grin

Get him to buy you another one.

NinkyNonker · 19/02/2011 20:29

I'm amazed that it seems to be so unusual that people propose with a ring nowadays! (That makes me sound old, I'm only 30. 28 when got married.)

bran · 19/02/2011 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sarsaparilllla · 19/02/2011 20:35

YABU, he was doing the traditional thing and bought you a ring, you sound really ungrateful and a bit brattish tbh

saffy85 · 19/02/2011 20:38

I was gonna say YABU but then the comment "The other day, someone was discussing engagement rings and DH said 'aren't you glad I ignored what you wanted and got you that one'." Made me a bit Hmm

I mean it's your ring after all, you wear it, not him so he should have made more effort to choose something you would like. Sounds like he ignored your feelings WRT the ring.

If you fiance had tried desperately to find you something he thought you would like and was searching blind with no hints or tips from you, and you were whining you didn't like the ring I would think you were ungrateful though.

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