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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit disappointed that I never got to choose an engagement ring?

101 replies

AmDramMam · 19/02/2011 19:48

I was with my now DH for 5 years before he proposed. During that time I dropped heavy hints about the type of ring I wanted. (Nothing flash but something a bit unique, possibly antique.)

He ended up getting a ring himself and proposing with it. He consulted a jeweller friend of his who talked him into getting a 'classic' brilliant cut solitaire diamond on a plain white gold band. (The jeweller said the brilliant cut style kept it's sparkle and holds its value.)

Of course I was over the moon about getting engaged and said I loved it.

However, although I love DH, I don't love the ring, and can't seem to get over the fact that DH blatantly ignored what I had said I wanted in favour of something (sorry for anyone who's got one) quite boring that 'holds its value'. I also feel like I've missed out on actually choosing something together that's unique.

The other day, someone was discussing engagement rings and DH said 'aren't you glad I ignored what you wanted and got you that one'. I really had to bite my tongue.

AIBU and should just be grateful and get over it (after all he's a great DH and father) or would you feel the same?

OP posts:
hairylights · 19/02/2011 20:38

It's just a ring. Don't wear it if you don't like it. Surely it's the commitment that matters?

FakePlasticTrees · 19/02/2011 20:41

I'd tell him, and if it has held it's value, surely you can sell it and get something you want... Or just stop wearing it.

This is why although DH wanted to get me a ring beforehand, he decided to propose without as he was certain he'd get it wrong...

gilbonzothesecretpsychoduck · 19/02/2011 20:43

I chose my own ring and seven years on I hate it. To the point that I don't wear it anymore. I would have preferred my dh to have chosen it himself because then at least if I hated it, I would love it because he chose it for me IYSWIM.

zikes · 19/02/2011 20:45

The deliberate decision by him to ignore (and seeming pride in ignoring) your preferences/tastes means YANBU.

HumphreyCobbler · 19/02/2011 20:47

YANBU as he knew he was ignoring what you wanted. This is annoying and strange.

Nospringflower · 19/02/2011 20:50

YANBU - I would want to love my ring or, love the fact that my partner had bought me it thinking i would love it. I wouldn't be happy that they decided that they would ignore my wishes because they thought they knew better than me. I think I'd have had to say something when he said that about 'bet you're glad ....'

I don't think you need to get over it - you just need to get your own choice this time.

pinkhebe · 19/02/2011 20:50

I chose my ring 14 years ago, and tbh I'm not that keen on it now, I haven't really worn it since I had children 11 years ago,

Wait 'til your married, stop wearing it and get a new one for your 1st anniversary Grin

ShirtyGerty · 19/02/2011 20:56

I have a ring just like yours. Yes, a bit boring but it will never look out of date or out of place and surely its what the jewellery means rather than what it looks like that really matters. In 20, 30, 40 years time you'll look at it and (hopefully) have a lot of great times together to remember all because he put that ring on your finger when you said 'yes'.

PrincessScrumpy · 19/02/2011 20:57

He should have listened but he didn't just pop to argos and get a cheap tacky thing - he consulted someone who knew their stuff which to me shows he put lots of thought into it.

I think you sound spoilt and you should be grateful somebody loves you enough to think about you and choose a ring - he probably spent ages choosing.

Get him to get you an eternity ring and you can choose that one - or a nice ring for your birthday to wear on your right hand.

I worry about your relationship if you are this petty and ungrateful.

A1980 · 19/02/2011 21:09

You say: "However, although I love DH, I don't love the ring"

Would you prefer your marriage to be the toher way around? Loving the ring but having a bastard of a husband.

YABVVU. The ring sounds lovely.

LoopyLoopsHulaHoops · 19/02/2011 21:19

I made it clear to DH (when he was DP) that I wanted an antique ring with character, however I would have been gutted if he had proposed without one.
When he did propose, he had out so much thought into the whole thing (treasure hunt, designed the ring himself etc., and presented me with a ring so different from the one I wanted but so much better, I was over the moon.
As it turns out, I chose my wedding ring and hate that!

I think YABU for wanting to choose it - after all, if you're going with the tradition of him buying you a ring (did you get him one BTW?), then you ban expect the rest of the tradition that comes with it.

However, YANBU to be disappointed that he went against what you clearly hoped for, especially with his smug comment. If you really don't like it, why don't you tell him and you can exchange it? If I hadn't loved mine, I would. (Unfortunately no can do with the wedding ring, as it was hand made by a friend and is engraved...)

ninedragons · 19/02/2011 21:28

YANBU.

For those appealing to tradition, technically, the custom is that the man rings the jeweller and sets a budget, the jeweller puts out the rings within that budget on a tray, and the man takes the woman to choose one from the tray.

On a more pragmatic level, it's just stupid to spend a lot of money on something the recipient didn't like.

I bought DH a car a couple of months ago but I certainly wouldn't have dreamed of choosing it myself. Likewise he didn't choose my engagement ring - it actually took me three months of looking before I found the perfect one (and I had been loitering in front of jewellers' windows Grin), so it probably would have taken him a lifetime.

Phee96 · 19/02/2011 21:42

I think YANBU. This happened to me too.

DH proposed to me with a ring that couldn't have been further from my tastes if he'd tried bless him. I wore it for the three years that we were engaged but I haven't worn it since the day we got married. I chose my own (white gold) wedding ring and it didn't really go with my (yellow gold cluster) engagement ring Grin

He's explained to me why he picked it and his reasons were quite sweet so I love it for sentimental reasons now.

curlymama · 19/02/2011 21:48

YANBU.

Tap him up for an eternity ring.

overthemill · 19/02/2011 21:50

well i have been married 4 times (long story) and never yet had an engagement ring. would love an eternity ring tho...

pagwatch · 19/02/2011 21:55

Yabu

It faintly annoys me how quick we are to sneer at men. I don't think his comment sounds smug. I think he tried very hard to do the right thing even if he didn't quite achieve that. He sounds like he is seeking assurance that he did the right thing.

Chose an eternity ring you like and be more assertive in getting that.

But the biting your tongue thing is ridiculous.
If my dh buys me a present with care and affection then I would not let him know I didn't like it for the world. I wouldn't ever want to hurt his feelings.

It is just a ring.

socka · 19/02/2011 22:06

I would like to hear overthemill's story!

I can't decided if YABU, if you'd not dropped any hints I'd think you were so probably not in this case.

MintyMoo · 19/02/2011 22:14

I think YANBU, mainly because a) he knew what style you liked and chose to ignore it, I wouldn't by my DP a red jumper if I knew he hated the colour red
b)'aren't you glad I ignored what you wanted and got you that one'. I would have said no. But I would have said straight away that the ring wasn't my style. If I had to have one I didn't like I'd choose an amazing wedding ring and once married not wear the engagement one any more. I find rings very uncomfortable and wouldn't want more than one on one finger anyway.

But maybe I'm siding with you because I'm hoping my DP's picked enough hints from me in case he proposes to me with a ring (hopefully he's got the hints that I want to choose my own and I hate diamonds and solitaires of any gem stone).

However I do think the fact that your DP consulted a real jeweller for advice shows that thought did go in to it and he wasn't purposefully buying the wrong ring to annoy you.

EvilTwins · 19/02/2011 22:23

I think YAB a bit U. DH chose my ring when he proposed, and, like yours, OP, consulted a friend who knew about these things. I was touched, TBH, that he put so much thought and effort into researching it, and had bothered to find out a bit about diamonds before choosing it. Mine is pretty plain, but 8 years on, I still appreciate that it is classic and will (as yours, OP) retain its value, rather than being a fashion from the time we got engaged.

breatheslowly · 19/02/2011 22:30

YANBU - if you expressed a preference before he bought it then there is no reason for him to have ignored you. It makes me wonder about the rest of his attitudes towards you.

As for the ring holding its value - why would you care about your engagement ring holding its value? Surely it is for life and the idea is that you wouldn't dream of selling it. I wouldn't care if my engagement ring was only worth a fiver now.

MooMooFarm · 19/02/2011 22:32

YABU - 'He is a great DH and father' as you say, and he went to the trouble of chosing a ring himself to surprise you. Ok so maybe it's not your first choice, but can't you love it for being the ring your lovely DH chose for you?

It may be 'plain', but you're going to be wearing it for years so at least it will go with everything and you won't get bored with it will you?

There's nothing stopping you dropping hints that you'd like an antique ring as a dress ring for a birthday present in the future. Please don't ever tell him you don't like his choice - I cringe at the thought of it, honestly!

He sounds lovely and you should be grateful!

Guildenstern · 19/02/2011 22:42

YANBU. The commment 'Aren't you glad I ignored what you wanted and got you that one?' is out of order.

I don't think you should make a big deal over the ring. It is just a ring. But if he ever comments along those lines again, I think you would be perfectly justified in telling him the truth, as tactfully or as bluntly as you see fit.

Him buying you a ring you don't like is one thing. Him gloating about how he ignored your wishes and knew better than you is another.

MooMooFarm · 19/02/2011 22:53

I don't take it as gloating, I take it to mean he genuinely thinks it's a lovely ring, thinks she loves it too, and is just fishing for a compliment about it (because he's probably not been given many about it by the sounds of it).

'Out of order' is a bit of a strong reaction IMO. He's not given OP a slap or had an affair, he's just picked her an engagement ring!

JaneS · 19/02/2011 22:57

YANBU at all. How bloody patronising was his comment?!

If you are getting married, I assume you have/will shortly have shared finances, so it is bloody rude of him to take the decision to buy something you don't like that 'keeps its value' and pretend it is a present. Surely the value of an engagement ring these days (ie., when it's not some kind of kept-woman insurance against abandonment) is that he chose something thoughtfully because he wanted you to love it?

I can't believe the people who're saying you're being brattish.

GloriaSmut · 19/02/2011 23:20

I was also thinking YABU until I read the comment about ignoring your preferences. But then I dislike the very idea of choosing such a significant piece of jewellery on the basis that it would "hold its value" and sometimes, the whole business of engagement and wedding rings seems to come with a distinct sense of control.

I'm another one who has been married 4 times and never engaged too. But I do wear (on that finger) a beautiful, rather ornate, white gold ring that my dp bought for me about 3 Christmasses ago and this has a great deal of significance. We bought it together because it was extremely important to him that I chose a ring that I loved. I have no idea what it cost. Him and the jeweller went into a huddle which ended with a handshake and the production of dp's bank card. Which is kind of how I thought engagement rings were usually bought, tbh!

If she hates the engagement ring so much, I'd suggest that the OP simply stops wearing it once she's married.