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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be a bit disappointed that I never got to choose an engagement ring?

101 replies

AmDramMam · 19/02/2011 19:48

I was with my now DH for 5 years before he proposed. During that time I dropped heavy hints about the type of ring I wanted. (Nothing flash but something a bit unique, possibly antique.)

He ended up getting a ring himself and proposing with it. He consulted a jeweller friend of his who talked him into getting a 'classic' brilliant cut solitaire diamond on a plain white gold band. (The jeweller said the brilliant cut style kept it's sparkle and holds its value.)

Of course I was over the moon about getting engaged and said I loved it.

However, although I love DH, I don't love the ring, and can't seem to get over the fact that DH blatantly ignored what I had said I wanted in favour of something (sorry for anyone who's got one) quite boring that 'holds its value'. I also feel like I've missed out on actually choosing something together that's unique.

The other day, someone was discussing engagement rings and DH said 'aren't you glad I ignored what you wanted and got you that one'. I really had to bite my tongue.

AIBU and should just be grateful and get over it (after all he's a great DH and father) or would you feel the same?

OP posts:

lucasnorth · 20/02/2011 17:54

Get stones for 'big' birthdays / anniversaries and then get them set with the stone from the engagement ring, in a setting you like

ZenNudist · 20/02/2011 17:56

I don't think yabu, you made your wishes known, he ignored you. I can't imagine having to wear such a prominent piece of jewelry every day and it not being 'me'. It's a shame your dh not good at understanding your style.

Not much you can do about it. Lots of people quietly don't wear their engagement rings so you do have options to either eventually sell it and buy something you like, or just wear a wedding or eternity band instead. If your dh kicks up a fuss at buying an expensive eternity band (in a few years) you can 'generously' offer to sell the engagement ring.

Or keep it as a keepsake. It's only a ring. Understandable to feel sad, but more important to have a good marriage than a good ring ;)

diddl · 20/02/2011 17:57

Pagwatch

Sorry, your post means nothing to me as I have no idea about bags.

So your husband spent more than you would-but are the bags at all similar?

ZenNudist · 20/02/2011 17:58

Oh also was going to say, sounds like your dh was trying to do a good thing, even if he has been a bit overbearing

lucasnorth · 20/02/2011 17:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blondeshavemorefun · 20/02/2011 18:02

i dont think he meant to totally ignore you and prob got side swipped by man in the shop

saying that,if you honestly cant tell hubby to be that you dont like the ring then i dont think theres much of a future for you both - how will you be if there is a serious/major problem in the future that needs discussing?

this ring will be on your hand forever and you need to be happy with it

dh and i talked about it as several of my friends disliked their rings, and i didnt want that, we went shopping and i found what i liked then a few weeks later he surprised me with the ring i liked but bigger

one told her man and he was fine about it

the friend who didnt tell her dh she hatesed the ring is now divorced, tho not sure the ring had 100% to do with it .......

NancyDrewHadaClue · 20/02/2011 18:34

diddl I am with you - any man who takes a third parties advice over the opinion of his wife (to be) is a very brave man indeed

diddl · 20/02/2011 18:40

Yes, of course it´s possible that he got conned into buying a traditional ring sidetracked by his friend.

Sad that he seems proud that he "ignored" what OP wanted, though.

Pagwatch · 20/02/2011 18:41

No. The bags were not alike. But the Mullberry is a British classic.

But I confess I don't really care.

I am probably biased. Dh spends ages trying to surprise me and has bought me stuff I would never dream of asking for. I would often ask for cheaper options. He bought me Louboutins when I would never in a gazillion years have even mentioned them.

I shall bow out. I am just trying to pee into the 'fucking selfish cock sucking men' rain

KatieMiddleton · 20/02/2011 18:47

Yanbu. The holding its value comment is a bit odd. Unless he thinks you may need to pawn it or sell it at a later date??

MordechaiVanunu · 20/02/2011 18:50

I never muched liked my engagement ring, btu kept quiet about it.

for our ten year anniverasry I asked for a ring and we spent two whole days shopping together in the jewellery quarter choosing a ring (Dcs with Gps) and i now have a ring a adore, and lovely memories of our 10year anniverasry.

i wear my enegagemnt on my right hand and my new ring with my wedding band as they look good together.

Can you bide your time??

OhKit · 20/02/2011 19:08

YANBU-It's sad that after dropping so many hints he ignored you!! I don't think you are being unreasonable in thinking that way-it has nothing to do with being ungrateful. Are you going to say something?

Deaddei · 20/02/2011 19:12

I never had a ring as dh joined a golf club instead.
He often asks if I want to go out and get one but am not really interested.

wizzler · 20/02/2011 19:15

As has been said before, I thought YABU until I read the "aren't you glad.. " comment.I would wait for a quiet moment and tell him how you feel, other wise he might do the same with your eternity ring and you will have a set

I have a tame jeweller, and he knows what I like. Sent DH into see him and left them to get on with it. So I have a ring I love, but my DH got to surprise me with it

NinkyNonker · 20/02/2011 19:18

I'm still so surprised I'm in the minority here!

diddl · 20/02/2011 19:46

I suppose the difference, Pagwatch is that you liked the alternative that your husband got you.

Wook · 20/02/2011 20:13

Well, I never got one at all, and for the wedding ring, my dh bought a small piece of rose gold which I then made into two gold and silver (not platinum or white gold- silver!!) rings at my jewellery making class. So, not only did I not get an engagement ring, I had to actually manufacture my own wedding ring. Therefore, OP, YABU! BUT I kind of understand where you are coming from! People often say to me, 'oh you made your rings, how romantic..'- it really wasn't!!!

NancyDrewHadaClue · 20/02/2011 20:18

Ha ha Pag you clearly missed my smug delighted thread in style and beauty about the rather lovely gold tweed Alexa clutch that I bought for 30% off in the HofF sale...

Actually I have to say your DH sounds a bit like mine - he suprsies me with things that he knows I will like and often with more expensive alternatives (I bought LK Bennet wedding shoes, DH was sent out to pick them because he worked near the store, saw them jumped in a cab and bought me a Jimmy Choo version - because he knew I would never buy them myself but equally that I did rather covet a pair)

And that is they key, IMO, you have to be sure. With a once in a lifetime purchase if you are going to go against someones explicit wishes then motive and result are everything:

The only reason to buy different is that you are convinced they will love it more and they do actually have to love it at least as much. Otherwise it falls a bit flat.

Pagwatch · 20/02/2011 20:20

Fair enough.

breatheslowly · 20/02/2011 20:42

OP - perhaps you should call DH on it. "DH, it was wonderful that you bought me a ring that would hold its value, now can we sell it and buy one I like? After all we won't lose out."

Edinburghlass · 21/02/2011 23:10

The other day, someone was discussing engagement rings and DH said 'aren't you glad I ignored what you wanted and got you that one'. I really had to bite my tongue. I think this bit is a real shame, as you specified a preference and he didn't go along with it, but if he thought he'd found something even better and was quite proud of himself, (as opposed to totally disrespecting your preference) then it's a shame to shoot him down in flames. You could buy yourself a ring of your choice, if it's very important to have a particular ring.

MangoTango · 21/02/2011 23:14

YANBU. I think you should ask if you can sell it and get one you really like. He knew it wasn't what you wanted so shouldn't have disregarded that.

sue52 · 21/02/2011 23:48

YANBU. DH bought me an engagement ring I wasn't fond of. After a few years I had the stone reset with 2 smaller diamonds on each side it looks much better IMO. Could you do the same with your solitaire?

smokingnuns · 22/02/2011 00:50

Oh what a twit to ignore your wishes and what an idiot to go with a man's wishes - oh hang on, was the jeweller friend a man? To me it sounds like he thought he went into a different league for you, thought he was really pushing the boat out (like the mulberry bag and louboutins re previous poster). But he got it wrong! He sounds proud of it... but it isn't you! I don't know what you're going to do and appreciate that as you didn't say anything at the time it kind of gets harder as the time goes by. It's a big secret to hold though isn't it? (It would be for me) YANBU imo but I don't know how you're going to resolve it unless you tell him. How about - you are disappointed you didn't get to choose your ring and that you meant what you said about the kind of ring you would like - it may be a lovely ring but it isn't 'you' at all, that you couldn't say anything before because you didn't want to hurt him and you really value that he went to so much trouble.

Maybe it's time he learnt how important it is to LISTEN TO YOUR WIFE

MrsEricNorthman · 22/02/2011 08:35

Think there's a key difference between Pag's Dh and the OP's. Pag's DH bought her things that were an "upgrade", costwise, on the items she'd looked at. I.e. he thought the fact that she's like something mattered more than the financial side of things. That's why what he did for Pag was sweet. OP's DH, however, has prioritised "holding value" above OP's wishes. Less sweet...

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