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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit disappointed that I never got to choose an engagement ring?

101 replies

AmDramMam · 19/02/2011 19:48

I was with my now DH for 5 years before he proposed. During that time I dropped heavy hints about the type of ring I wanted. (Nothing flash but something a bit unique, possibly antique.)

He ended up getting a ring himself and proposing with it. He consulted a jeweller friend of his who talked him into getting a 'classic' brilliant cut solitaire diamond on a plain white gold band. (The jeweller said the brilliant cut style kept it's sparkle and holds its value.)

Of course I was over the moon about getting engaged and said I loved it.

However, although I love DH, I don't love the ring, and can't seem to get over the fact that DH blatantly ignored what I had said I wanted in favour of something (sorry for anyone who's got one) quite boring that 'holds its value'. I also feel like I've missed out on actually choosing something together that's unique.

The other day, someone was discussing engagement rings and DH said 'aren't you glad I ignored what you wanted and got you that one'. I really had to bite my tongue.

AIBU and should just be grateful and get over it (after all he's a great DH and father) or would you feel the same?

OP posts:
Foreverondiet · 19/02/2011 23:23

YANBU. DH bought a cheapo silver ring that he bought in a market, proposed with that and then we chose the real one together.

And I can't believe that you have kept quiet for so long. I would have asked straight away to change it. Not sure what you do now, as too late to change....

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 19/02/2011 23:53

YANBU I don't get why anyone should be grateful when someone buys them something they don't like, especially when the person who bought it knows what they would like and buys something completely different.

As for holding its value, why does it need to hold its value? Confused He may have consulted someone who knows about jewellery but obviously knows nothing about the OP.

countless · 20/02/2011 00:07

It's too late he's your DH already. It was a folly and you'll wear it on your finger. Never mind there will be worse things...

wait till the kids bring home gifts from school trips and buy you hideous gifts which must be displayed on walls and mantelpiece.

i'm a minimalist at heart but at this very moment i can see a glass dolphin, a multitude of child related debris and a framed photo montage with title 'we love you mommy'...i love my dc but i shudder at the aesthetic reality of our home..

ZillionChocolate · 20/02/2011 08:09

I was ready to say YABU but as you told him what you liked and he decided he knew, or more to the point, his friend knew better YANBU. Technically, I think you're disappointed at not having a ring you liked, rather than missing out on the choosing.

It sounds like it's too late to do anything about it in terms of replacing it. I would consider getting what you want as an eternity ring or maybe get an unconventional wedding ring. I think it's a bit weird that blokes get saddled with having to buy an expensive ring, so I don't think you can make them buy two. Buy what you want yourself?

NancyDrewHadaClue · 20/02/2011 13:41

pagwatch I would find it difficult to feel that a gift had been bought "with care and affection" if my DH had bought me something that he knew was not what I wanted, but allowed financial gain to take precedence over my opinion.

Which is what the OP's DH seems to have done.

If he saw something and thought "wow nancy will love this so much more than what she has said she wants" that in my view would be totally forgiveable.

If he saw something and thought "I know nancy wants X, but Y is actually a better investment and I know best" then honestly I'd be pretty pissed off.

Petsville · 20/02/2011 14:53

YANBU. I would have been quite annoyed if I didn't get any say in a ring I was going to be wearing for the rest of my life (DH and I bought each other rings when we got engaged, and we chose them together), and furious if DH made a comment that made it quite clear he knew perfectly well what I wanted and had ignored it.

I'm also a bit baffled by the comment about "holding its value" - I'm not planning on selling my engagement ring! I hope when I'm gone DS will give it to his wife or daughter, and I don't think that's an uncommon hope: I know MIL is planning to pass hers on to me as she has no daughters or granddaughters.

janiesmum · 20/02/2011 14:56

30 years ago OH turned up with a diamond solitaire white gold ring that i wasnt fond of

luckily i am still wearing it to this day lol

but he has promised me a new ring this year to mark our 30th anniversary - but i have said I definitely want to choose it :o

Catsmamma · 20/02/2011 15:04

YA definitely NBU

I cannot imagine anything worse than knowing you have to wear that ring every day and not love it!

and as for the comment...i would have shot that right down in flames!

I would feel exactly the same and in fact one of the worst rows we have ever had was over a snotty crappy ring dh bought on his own initiative....small ruby, horrible setting, nasty nasty shape, when he had been shown, several other more appropriate and cheaper choices that had been pre approved.

..it was an anniversary gift....that was a bad day.

I chose my engagement ring, i wear it every day and still love it (and dh) with all my heart. (crappy ruby rings notwithstanding natch!)

GMajor7 · 20/02/2011 15:12

Eh? Sorry but YABVU. Sounds a bit spoilt to me. If you love him you won't give a shit.

tomatoplantproject · 20/02/2011 15:17

YABU. You sound spoilt to me. He put time and effort and thought into choosing a ring, for the very express purpose of asking you to spend the rest of your life with him. Can you imagine the poor man who thinks he's bought the most perfect present and you tell him you don't like it?

RufousBartleby · 20/02/2011 15:20

OP I do sympathise, even though I do accept what others are saying about it hardly being a particularly serious misdemeanour on your DH's part.

I have been engaged twice (the bastard went off with someone else the first time). First ring was a generic gold band with a solitaire, and I remember feeling a little underwhelmed, the second time my lovely DH and I chose together. It was the best shopping trip of my life and we got something that both of us liked and is quite unusual.

As the ring has already been purchased I would suggest finding a way of convincing your DH that you should have it remodelled in a different design, or that the stone should be re-used in a new ring of your choice - that way everyone should (theoretically!) be happy :)

onceamai · 20/02/2011 15:28

I was sent to chose my own and DH went to pay when it was made up. I still love it after more than 20 years but am wondering now if the DH likes it because in spite of paying for it he had nothing to do with chosing it Confused

diddl · 20/02/2011 15:55

YANBU & I wonder why you married him when he had so little regard for your wishes.

And having married him, I can´t figure out why you didn´t divorce him for this-
"'aren't you glad I ignored what you wanted and got you that one'."

MooMooFarm · 20/02/2011 16:32

diddl you are joking aren't you? You would divorce someone for wanting to buy you a surprise ring? Good luck with your marriage is all I can say!

diddl · 20/02/2011 17:08

Oh my marriage is fine-we chose the ring togetherGrin

Yes, I am joking, but I do think it´s a bit unfeeling/arrogant of OPs husband to totally disregard what she wanted.

pagwatch · 20/02/2011 17:15

Nancy

Well that's fine.

But you read the ops comments about her dh taking advice and choosing a different ring as being born of his desire to make money.
I read it as him taking advice from someone he saw as an expert who felt that a classic ring would be longer lasting in terms of not dating and becoming worth less.

I haven't assumed a penny pinching attitude. I assumed a desirer to buy something that would still be loved in 20 years.

I guess we all read what we want into these situations.

JulesJules · 20/02/2011 17:18

Blimey. It's just a ring.

I didn't get one at all - like ChildOfIsis we went straight from deciding to get married to getting married without doing all the stuff inbetween.

At some point, get an eternity ring, and choose it yourself.

pagwatch · 20/02/2011 17:18

Ooops. Should add...with my dh he knows that I have an upper budget in my head. On the occasions he has chosen differently it was because he looked beyond my ' oh that would be sweet for £x' whereas he thought ' she should have this which is £xxxxx '
He chose stuff I would never have even looked at.

dexifehatz · 20/02/2011 17:18

YANBU.We both shopped for my engagement and wedding ring.My engagement ring is absolutely the one for me and so to my wedding band.If you wear them everyday you really need to have one that you adore.

ImFab · 20/02/2011 17:23

YANBU to feel disappointed you didn't get to chose the ring.

Your DH felt he knew best for whatever reason and I think that is the issue really.

diddl · 20/02/2011 17:23

"But you read the ops comments about her dh taking advice and choosing a different ring as being born of his desire to make money.
I read it as him taking advice from someone he saw as an expert who felt that a classic ring would be longer lasting in terms of not dating and becoming worth less."

I wonder why he would think a jeweller would know OPs tastes better than her though.

And why should an increase in value be relevant-unless you buy with a view to selling?

alicet · 20/02/2011 17:29

YANBU although it might have been better to say something at the time!

How about getting a ring made with a setting you would love using the diamond from your engagement ring? Just say you fancy a change. You could buy a couple of other inexpensive stones to go with it if that is what you would like or alternatively just get it set in a more interesting setting

thefurryone · 20/02/2011 17:40

YABU it's quite a trivial thing to be annoyed about. I know we all have the odd romantic notion about how we would like our partners to behave, but in reality they get to choose how they show their love and affection and it means more if comes from their hearts rather than them conforming to how they think we would like them to behave.
He spent time and effort getting you something timeless that keeps it's value, and he probably spent a fortune, you clearly chose not to say anything at the time so now you just have to be grateful.

But look on the brightside if this is the thing that is currently annoying you the most then life can't be all that bad Smile

fedupofnamechanging · 20/02/2011 17:42

Maybe the OP's DH considered a ring which would hold its value, because lots of men think that jewellery is a waste of money and he thought he might as well get something that won't be worth less than he paid in the future. It's a practical rather than emotional view. Sometimes women load their jewellery (esp engagement rings) with emotional value, but for men it's just a ring.

I know my dad can't really see the point of it and doesn't understand why I (well, DH)have spent money on a diamond ring rather than a cubic zirconia one. He doesn't get that i smile everytime I look at it. It is loaded with sentiment for me, because DH couldn't afford it, but bought it anyway, just because I wanted it. My dad thinks a shiny, but cheap ring would have done the job just as well.

Pagwatch · 20/02/2011 17:51

Diddl
I did attempt to answer that in my add on post.

Here's an example... I showed my dh a handbag I liked before Christmas. He then bought me a different one. The one I showed him was an l.k Bennett summer bag. He bought me a classic mulberry.

It wasn't what I asked for. It would retain it's value which kind of matters even though I don't intend to sell it because the classic mulberry styling will not date.
But dh bought it because he wanted to surprise me and hoped I would like it.

I wouldn't have ever looked at mulbberrys because it wouldn't occur to me to spend that much..I would always chose 'cheaper'

Obviously the ops dh may be a selfish cunt.
I was just speculating that he may have thought he was doing a good thing.