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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Benefit Bashing

823 replies

Kendodd · 18/02/2011 16:40

A mum I know and her DP with two children live in a two bed (nice) HA house. Neither of them work and have not worked for as long as I've known them (two years) I don't know about before then. She has told me they are trying for another baby, not to get a bigger house or anything, just because they want four children eventally. I would love four children but can't have that many because for one we just can't afford four.

AIBU to feel a bit pissed off that they can have more children and I can't or am I just a jealous benefit basher.

ps They are both nice and don't have a flatscreen TV.

OP posts:
StarlightPrincess · 18/02/2011 17:03

Yeah but the difference is, they're sitting at home doing fuck all. I don't think that people who go out to work should be struggling more than people who sit at home doing nothing and who are physically and mentally able.

BooyFuckingHoo · 18/02/2011 17:04

starlight, unless they are both disabled or carers then they will be receiving JSA, which means they are job seeking. they aren't sitting at home doing fuck all.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 18/02/2011 17:05

You are making the choice that you feel is right. It's not that you can't have another child, it's that you have looked at the figures and determined that you cannot bring in enough money to be able to provide for another child.

I don't think there's a single thing wrong with that.

But you have to accept that many people don't do it that way.

They've made a different choice.

But the key thing is that you made your choice and there is little point resenting someone because they have not made the same choice that you have and because of that, they may have another child when you have decided that you cannot.

Own your choices.

It's a fairly wanky turn of phrase, I admit Grin but that's basically the top and bottom of it.

MillyR · 18/02/2011 17:07

Why is the OP struggling more?

Like the OP, I have 2 children and would like 4. I feel that I cannot afford it.

The outcome I suppose would be - I lose my house as can't pay the mortgage, I end up in local authority temp accommodation, eventually I am rehoused somewhere I don't want to live.

So I can afford it. We can all afford it. It is just some of us don't want a nightmare outcome as a consequence of having more kids.

Good luck to anyone who does have 4.

As usual, a lot of this criticism of large families/single mothers/non-working families/young mothers is down to envy.

curlymama · 18/02/2011 17:08

Boo, do you seriously believe that they both spend 9 -5 Monday - Friday actively searching for a job? Really?

gysela · 18/02/2011 17:12

We dont know these people and the OP has admitted to only knowing them for two years. Unless she is also not working and spends every hour of her day watching these people she doesnt know what they get up to.

As usual, a lot of this criticism of large families/single mothers/non-working families/young mothers is down to envy.

So true

stoppinchingthedummy · 18/02/2011 17:12

i know i gave a biscuit but ive now thought a little about this :) I would LOVE 4 children ...My heart is saying that i should however my head is saying NO ,i have two beautiful healthy children ,both me and dp work full time ,we already struggle for money and if we are ever in a position where were not struggling i want the two we have to be able to have the nice things and not be the only ones in their class that can't go on that trip skiing etc etc ...We could all go around with our eyes shut thinking its ok to keep popping more children!!!

BooyFuckingHoo · 18/02/2011 17:13

no, curly i dont think that in the current climate it would be possible to spend 8 hours a day job hunting. there are only so many jobs being advertised and once you have read all the papers, been to the jobcentre, visited all the local businesses etc, there is little else you can do except wait for the next papers to come out and more jobs to be advertised in the job centre.

georgeorwell · 18/02/2011 17:14

why don't we just get the ex stasi in or mossad to check up on people? i suggest bugging their phones and putting micro cameras behind their non flat screen telly to see whether they're actively job seeking or not.

and they say there's no secret police in the uk. oh, what has happened to my country in my absence. methinks i must come back to save you all from yourselves.

curlymama · 18/02/2011 17:15

So they are sitting at home doing fuck all then?

Of course not, they're trying to make more babies that someone else has to pay for.

BooyFuckingHoo · 18/02/2011 17:15

sould also have included sending letters and CVs to companies in that post.

BooyFuckingHoo · 18/02/2011 17:17

curly what do you expect someone who is unemployed and has applied for every job possible to do? should they be standing out in the cold beating themselves up for daring to have been made redundant/contract ending/self employed/ work drying up?

MillyR · 18/02/2011 17:19

I'd rather pay for the children of a genuinely poor couple like this one than give benefits through maternity pay to some family where one or both parents has a well paid job; that really is scrounging off the tax payer.

spikeycow · 18/02/2011 17:21

PPPPssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss aaaaahhhh

spikeycow · 18/02/2011 17:21

(wipes with leaf)

Original poster
Kendodd · 18/02/2011 17:24

We are not struggling more than them, the only thing they have that we can't afford are school dinners which my DD would love to have.

And yes, the bottom line is that I am jealous! I want four children, I want my DH at home with me all day, helping me with the children. I can't even go to the dentist by myself, she can. Even if I could, I couldn't afford to get the hole in my tooth fixed where a filling broke six months ago.

OP posts:
BooyFuckingHoo · 18/02/2011 17:28

well, jealousy is a personal issue that only you can deal with. but would you rather be on benefits and have the stigma that always comes with it?or are you happy to be able to work?

Original poster
Kendodd · 18/02/2011 17:28

I am trying my very best to keep a lid on my resentment. I don't know their full circumstances, one of them might be terminally ill for all I know, although I very much doubt it.

OP posts:
MillyR · 18/02/2011 17:29

OP, you sound even more like me what that post, right down to the tooth you can't afford to have filled. I wasn't aiming my envy remark at you, but at the thread in general. I am eaten up with envy at people who have even three.

BooyFuckingHoo · 18/02/2011 17:29

that's the thing OP. no-one really knows anyone's full circumstances so it's best not to get too resentful or judgemental.

Original poster
Kendodd · 18/02/2011 17:31

"but would you rather be on benefits and have the stigma that always comes with it"

Yes, a lot of the time I most definitely would. At least I could get my tooth fixed then.

OP posts:
gysela · 18/02/2011 17:31

Until you know other people's circumstances the grass is always greener. For all you know she is jealous of the way you live too.

BooyFuckingHoo · 18/02/2011 17:34

you see people that don't know me very well might look at me with my two kids and not leaving the house for a 9-5 everyday and think i am just sitting on me arse doing fuck all everyday and that i choose not to work but instead chose to have children and be a single parent.

but what they dont know is that up until a year ago i was working and had a partner who is in the forces so was never 'at home'. so with him working, i decided to give up paid employement and become a CMer. 3 months later he left which meant i was now an unemployed single parent. i am still in the process of being registered but nobody who sees me walking down the street knows that. i dont have a sign onmy head telling everyone my circumstances.

MrsMooo · 18/02/2011 17:34

Oh FGS!

You have to PROVE you are actively looking for work to get JSA, benefits, despite what they print in the Daily Fail do not get handed out without question to all those who ask for them.

Of course, it's far easier to demonise those on benefits because they are "taking our taxes" than it is to villify those who don't pay any in the first place isn't it

It is fair that a bankers wife can have 5 kids, and a nanny and a cleaner and 4 holidays - no, is it fair that some people take some pleasure/advantage out of a pretty miserable existance on benefits, no.

But life isn't fair is it...

OP, YA both U and NU, feel pissed off but at the system not those stuck in it

RE:HA housing, it's dependent on the area you live in, I would struggle to get a HA house here even if I had 10 kids and was disabled. It#'s called a housing crisis.

And the number of people on JSA benefits, has a fair amount to do with the recession as it does with living the "high" life on JSA

FWIW, I have always worked full time, as has DP by the way. I like the welfare state though....

curlymama · 18/02/2011 17:37

curly what do you expect someone who is unemployed and has applied for every job possible to do? should they be standing out in the cold beating themselves up for daring to have been made redundant/contract ending/self employed/ work drying up?

Of course not, but I don't expect them to be actively trying to have another baby when they aren't providing for the ones they already have.

And some people have no problem at all with being stigmatized. They would rather be stigmatised than have to work for a living.

I appreciate that there are hardly any jobs out there at the moment, and obviously people should be provided with enough to live on if they genuinely can't work. But this couple are choosing to bring up children on benefits, I don't see how anyone can defend that choice.

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