To end this ten year friendship over this (long sorry)

[catinboots]

Sorry this is very long, but I need to give you some background about our friendship first. I met my friend at University when we were twenty. I was living with my boyfriend and our one year old son in our own flat. Friend was living in halls of residence and was a total party animal. She was totally wild and had a different bloke every night of the week!! I used to party with her when I got the chance but I lived a fairly dull life in comparison. I had to work and look after a baby as well as doing my degree. Despite the difference in our lives, we formed a really strong friendship. We were definitely best friends.

Fast forward about six years and I went through a very messy break-up with the boyfriend. She was very supportive, but had just met a new man herself and moved three hours away to be with him. Finding myself newly single I went a little bit crazy for about a year. I did a lot of silly things which I deeply regret now. I partied too much, I drank too much, I had too many boyfriends and I was a bad mum. I messed up my job and upset my family and friends. During this period my best friend kept her distance. At the same time I noticed she was changing - she was gradually becoming like a Stepford wife. Dinner parties and making chutney - not like the girl I first met ant uni!

Anyway, I subsequently sorted myself out, got back to reality and luckily met my DP. However, whenever I tried contacting her she was very offish with me. In the end I asked her outright what was wrong ? and she said that her DP didn?t approve of her being friends with me! I apologised for how I?d been behaving and told her how much I valued her friendship. Things had been okay since then and after a couple of years we seemed back to normal ? talking almost every day etc.

DP asked me to marry him last August and she was the first person I asked to be a bridesmaid. She?s been really helping with all the wedding planning and organising the hen and it?s been lovely! On Christmas Eve her DP proposed to her and she was over the moon. Naively I just presumed I would be a bridesmaid for her. She hadn?t mentioned it but I didn?t think anything of it until yesterday when she told me she was going to a wedding fayre. I asked who with and she said her mum, her sister and her two other best friends. It suddenly dawned on me that she isn?t going to ask me to be a bridesmaid. I rang her last night just chatting about wedding stuff and just slipped it in to conversation asking what she was doing about bridesmaids. She said I?m having my sister, the two other friends and one of DPs old friends. Then just started chatting about their dresses and didn?t even address the fact she wasn?t asking me.

I am so hurt and so upset. Not because I?m not being a bridesmaid ? but because our friendship obviously isn?t what I thought it was. I feel like an idiot now ? because I truly thought she was my best friend.
I don?t want to say anything to her because it?s up to her what she does at her wedding. But I feel uncomfortable now. It?s changed things and I don?t think I can just carry on planning my wedding with her as though everything is fine between us. I?m thinking the best thing to do is just cut her out altogether. No confrontation, no discussion. To be honest I don?t think she?ll be that bothered.

AIBU??????

sorry - all my apostrophes seem to have come out as question marks! How odd!!

Don't cut her out.
She is still your friend. It is just a slightly different friendship to what you thought it was.

BTW I wasn't asked to be bridesmaid for my only bridesmaid (IYKWIM) so I know how this feels.

You want to cut her out purely because she hasn't asked you to be bridesmaid? Essentially that is what the problem is.
You forget that she has a life outside of her friendship with you.
I do think YABU but you're very emotional about it right now and you should take a couple of days to think it out.

Everybody changes as they grow older.

You are still 3 hours apart, so I assume you have both got close friends now who you see on a more regular basis.

You can still be friends, but your best friend should really be your husband anyway... (thats just my view there though and I realise its likely to be an unpopular one.. lol)

Is she one of your bridesmaids?

I would just ask her why not and tell her you feel hurt

if you are prepared to end the friendship over it then you have nothing to lose

Well, she clearly is your friend, but either she doesn't see you as as close a friend as the other people, or her partner didn't want you as bridesmaid.

Don't cut her out. It's childish. If you have a problem with her, then tell her.

If she's not bothered about the friendship then you'll know and you can find another bridesmaid yourself. (I'm assuming she's yours?)

Don't just stop talking to her. You're not 5. Discuss it.

its always hard in any relationship, when one person needs theother person more.:( you just have to do what suits your personality . ie confrontation or not.

fwiw, she has progressed her life along on the traditional pathway. ie, mad and crazy when young, then settling down when older. whilst you have done things out of that order. It shouldnt matter, but obviously in this instance it does matter to her and her dp, and she is very obviously choosing him over you. You need to accept that and move on with your own life.

My (former) best friend only asked me to be bridesmaid after someone dropped out. I was very and a bit but did it anyway.
We'd been close since school but she obviously didn't see our friendship in the same way any more. Sad but it happens.

You are being unreasonable, do not cut her out she is still your friend but does not see you as her only close friend, this is entirely normal, in reality very few people have a "very best friend"

People move on, and that is what she has done, grown up and moved along with her life.

Along the way she has met other people who she spends more time with.

I'm sorry you feel sad about it and have not met other best friends.

I don't think it should split your relationship, maybe you just need to realise that you need to make other friends who live nearer too.

You're still friends, it's just altered slightly from when you were younger. It's normal, don't throw the friendship away because of this. I can understand why you feel rotten about it at the moment as you're having to adjust to the realisation that things ahve changed.

Don't cut her out. I don't like the sound of her P not approving of her being friends with you!

Stay close by, she might need you later if he turns out to be a controlling wanker.

I don't know much about wedding politics, never having been married myself but I can understand why you're hurt.

With respect - grow up. You sound like a teenage girl! This is the stupidest reason to end a friendship that I have ever heard. She had obligations (and that is what BM invitations are, rarely about friendship) to other people over you. Do you feel put out that her DP's friend got a place and you didn't? Because if she sees these people more often than you then that's just the way it goes. Grown ups are allowed more than one close friend.

I would never have had BMs because I have at least 8 or maybe 10 close female friends who might all have considered themselves in the running. Not worth slighting people IMO (although my friends are all mature enough to get over it if they weren't asked)

Have you ever been a bridesmaid for someone else? Have you asked them to be your bridesmaids? She is happy to be your bridesmaid and support you at your wedding, I think that says enough about the friendship to be honest.

It might be purely because her DP disapproves of your friendship - that's not your fault, but it does speak volumes about their relationship IMO.

I can understand you being hurt and am sure I would be in a similar situation.

However if her dp has always had a bit of an issue with you (you don't say whether that has changed recently though) then it might be awkward for her to ask you to be a bridesmaid mightn't it?

I wouldn't be cutting her off but I would also be trying to make other friends. Imho there are very few people you are friends for life with. There are people that I have been very close to for a period of time but then your / their circumstances change and suddenly you don't have as much in common and slowly drift apart. It doesn't mean you or her are bad people or can't still be friends but its just one of those things.

Given that you are going to feel upset and possibly resentful about this it may be worth sitting down with her and explaining how you feel. Tell her that you always considered her to be your best friend and hadn't considered that she might not feel the same. And you feel the fact that she hasn't asked you to be a bridesmaid means that she probably doesn't value your friendship as much as you do. And then see how she reacts. I think this can only work though if you are able to have this discussion without getting stroppy or too upset as she may then get defensive too

So what you are saying is that you were there with her throughout her wild years, she was not there as much for you during your wild times and to bridge this gap (maybe) you asked her to be your bridesmaid, this was a significant gesture on your part.

She doesnt see this really and its not that much of a big issue to her.

But you cant cut her off for that.

Look at the big picture, your futures as wives and maybe more children. You have got another phase of life, another lifetime ahead of the pair of you.
Its all phases, she is doing her wedding how she wants to do as are you....this should be looked upon with utter joy & happiness, not as a stick to beat you with!

Be happy for her, get yourself wed, get to her wedding, BE HAPPY for her, then resume happy times again after.

Honestly, you have SO much to look forward to and your friend should be there to share.

YANBU but then neither is she. It's really really difficult and I know you don't feel that you can ask about her choices. But all I can say is that when I got married, I really struggled to make decisions about bridesmaids etc.

I have 3 sisters and all of them got married before me. I was bridesmaid for all of them aswell, however none of them have really had any friends and I know that I was chosen to make up the numbers as opposed to being there because they wanted me. In fact, the last wedding was my youngest sister's and she only asked me, a week before the wedding, because someone dropped out and I was the right size for the dress .

When it came to my turn, I made the decision that I wasn't going to have my sisters as bridesmaids. I wanted my 3 closest friends, the ones that had stuck by me through everything over the years. But I also had to have some people from DH's side. Mum then insisted (as DParents were paying) that I at least have DNieces and DNephews if I 'was refusing to have my sisters'.

After much soul-searching, I could only have two friends and had to make a decision. It was a really tough decision but they all understood. The one that wasn't bridesmaid is now Godparent to my only DC, strangely the main churchgoer of the group aswell, so totally appropriate in the role.

I do regret not having her though as my bridesmaid.

Weddings are so difficult and ordinarily it ends up with you having to make horrid decisions and people get upset. They are one event where not everyone is happy.

So please don't be too hard on her, I don't think it's a reflection on you otherwise she wouldn't be so keen to be in contact on a regular basis. She's probably had pressure from her DP and family aswell.

If you're really upset though, do talk to her about it.

Friendships often change, and that's just the way it is. Though I personally find the whole 'best friends' thing very needy and off-putting in an adult. I'd just get on with being friends with her and everyone else, and not worry about the bridesmaid stuff.

I think she is unreasonable really and why woulD she stop being friends with you just because her husband didn't approve of you? Sounds to me likes he's controlling or she's making excuses.

I guess she's made it clear her other bridesmaids are her best friends - yes painful. I think I would drop her if she did this to me. I would talk to her but then she's made her choices. You don't want to be invited just because she feels bad. This is what happened with one of my friends and it ruined our friendship really. We had been friends since high school and she chose someone from work who she had only known a couple of years.

Ok some people don't seem to like the term best friend. She is not my only best friend. My DP is my best friend. She is one of my closest friends. I have four friends who I would call close friends and I have asked them all to be bridesmaids (including her).

I genuinely thought she saw me as one of her closest friends. And to not even say anything about why she hasn't asked me? If she'd said I can only have four bridesmaids, I hope you understand, I wold have understood!

To be honest I think it's down to her DP. I very rarely see him and I still get the impression he doesn't approve of me. But if she'd sat me down and told me that I would have understood.

I don't want to talk to her about it because it's up to her isn't it? She can pick who she wants. She basically doesn't want me to be her bridesmaid - whatever the reason, And she obviously doesn't feel like she needs to discuss it with me

It's not just because she's my bridesmaid that I think she should ask me Even if I wasn't getting married, I honestly would have expected her to ask me. I think I'm just so shocked.

Her DP doesnt like you and has poisoned her against you. I've lost best friends though this too. There isn't really anything you can do. Women tend to prioritise their boyfriends over theeir friends.

But if he's this controlling now, he's probably a bastard and at some point she'll realise that and might leave him to come crawling back too you with her tail between her legs. Dont hold your breath, though.

isn't all this best friend stuff a bit childish?

Don't we all have a best friend as teenagers and then grow up?

Yes its difficult to talk about. Do you think you would feel better if you got it off your chest? Either way if she then invites you you will feel like a afterthought. It might help you though to tell her how you feel in a calm way so at least she knows clearly why you are hurt rather than just dropping her as a friend, you might feel better.

Your friendship is always going to be strained if her husband isn't keen on you. She will always side with her husband. If he is controlling then until she realises what a berk he is your friendships not going to change. I feel sorry that she has him telling her what to do - who she can and can't be friends with tbh.

catinboots Been there got the t-shirt.

Don't let your heart harden about this. She is your friend and you hers.

Maybe the bridesmaids are within her radar and you sadly, are not. Does she see them more than you for instance?

We all feel differently about each other don't we? For you, she was your best friend because maybe you felt the support and friendship she offered you was better than others?

Don't forget, we each have different 'takes' on friendship too. For instance, I'm incredibly loyal and trustworthy and sometimes feel I should be valued by my friends for these qualities but they don't share/value these qualities.

DYKWIM?

If you don't want to talk about it because it's up to her then that would imply you were respecting her decision.

Which you are not actually doing if you are considering dumping her as a friend because although she sees you as a friend, she has chosen other bridesmaids because she - likes them more / is closer to them / sees them more / her partner chose them too / whatever.

If you truly see her as your closest friend, yet you can't tell her your feelings - how close are you really?

You know that it's your choice and you must do what you feel happiest doing. I just think it would be a shame to cut someone out without talking through your issues.