To end this ten year friendship over this (long sorry)

[catinboots]

Sorry this is very long, but I need to give you some background about our friendship first. I met my friend at University when we were twenty. I was living with my boyfriend and our one year old son in our own flat. Friend was living in halls of residence and was a total party animal. She was totally wild and had a different bloke every night of the week!! I used to party with her when I got the chance but I lived a fairly dull life in comparison. I had to work and look after a baby as well as doing my degree. Despite the difference in our lives, we formed a really strong friendship. We were definitely best friends.

Fast forward about six years and I went through a very messy break-up with the boyfriend. She was very supportive, but had just met a new man herself and moved three hours away to be with him. Finding myself newly single I went a little bit crazy for about a year. I did a lot of silly things which I deeply regret now. I partied too much, I drank too much, I had too many boyfriends and I was a bad mum. I messed up my job and upset my family and friends. During this period my best friend kept her distance. At the same time I noticed she was changing - she was gradually becoming like a Stepford wife. Dinner parties and making chutney - not like the girl I first met ant uni!

Anyway, I subsequently sorted myself out, got back to reality and luckily met my DP. However, whenever I tried contacting her she was very offish with me. In the end I asked her outright what was wrong ? and she said that her DP didn?t approve of her being friends with me! I apologised for how I?d been behaving and told her how much I valued her friendship. Things had been okay since then and after a couple of years we seemed back to normal ? talking almost every day etc.

DP asked me to marry him last August and she was the first person I asked to be a bridesmaid. She?s been really helping with all the wedding planning and organising the hen and it?s been lovely! On Christmas Eve her DP proposed to her and she was over the moon. Naively I just presumed I would be a bridesmaid for her. She hadn?t mentioned it but I didn?t think anything of it until yesterday when she told me she was going to a wedding fayre. I asked who with and she said her mum, her sister and her two other best friends. It suddenly dawned on me that she isn?t going to ask me to be a bridesmaid. I rang her last night just chatting about wedding stuff and just slipped it in to conversation asking what she was doing about bridesmaids. She said I?m having my sister, the two other friends and one of DPs old friends. Then just started chatting about their dresses and didn?t even address the fact she wasn?t asking me.

I am so hurt and so upset. Not because I?m not being a bridesmaid ? but because our friendship obviously isn?t what I thought it was. I feel like an idiot now ? because I truly thought she was my best friend.
I don?t want to say anything to her because it?s up to her what she does at her wedding. But I feel uncomfortable now. It?s changed things and I don?t think I can just carry on planning my wedding with her as though everything is fine between us. I?m thinking the best thing to do is just cut her out altogether. No confrontation, no discussion. To be honest I don?t think she?ll be that bothered.

AIBU??????

you've said more than once that she's helping you a lot with organising your wedding - surely that suggests she is being a good friend to you, and does care about you a lot? Otherwise she wouldn't help, surely? Don't get hung up on the bridesmaid thing - very often you have to choose particular people for form's sake - yes, even if they're not relatives.

I would imagine your friend suspects you expected to be asked to be bridesmaid so the fact that she still didn't chose you is a fairly clear indication that you have different views of the friendship. She possibly feels quite awkward too so maybe clearing the air would be a good idea. I understand why you feel slighted but you can't blame her. Her day, her bridesmaids. It doesn't mean she doesn't see you as a close friend though so I would think carefully before you make any decisions. She won't be oblivious to the fact you expected to be asked if she knows you well.

i find it ridiculous that grown women cant sit down and discuss issues between them especially when they have been friends for 10 years. It doesnt sound particularly grown up to say "i think i'm going to cut her out altogether" - it just sounds childish!

And the other posters are right - friendships change over time and it sounds like you've not been in each others lives as much the last few years so it was bound to be that you'd both make other friends, and unfortunately she has maybe become closer to them than you thought. Thats the way life goes sometimes!

think you need to tell her you are upset and then if you still cant accept her reasoning then you may have to tell her you dont want her as your bridesmaid. But for god sake talk about it - you're adults!

You know, one of my dearest friends got married on a tight budget, and didn't invite me, just her family and one close friend of her choosing (someone she had known for years longer than me). It was understandable.
When I got married I still invited her.
We remain very close and discuss it when it comes up.
I get so much out of my friendship with her that it would be silly to have lost the friendship over this.
It sounds to me that there are other issues you are unhappy about.

Winefairy - exactly. She knows I would have been expecting to be asked. We've even talked about it in the past before we both got engaged.

That is why I feel hurt that she hasn't even explained to me why.

The only possible explanation is that we obviously view the friendship differently. And now I can see the friendship how she sees it, I don't feel comfortable having her as my bridesmaid.

I feel like a twat for asking her.

Don't have her as your bridemaid then.

But the reason I don't want to talk to her about it is because her actions speak volumes.

It is up to her who she picks, I totally agree with that. If she doesn't feel she needs to explain my exclusion to me, then it's not really fair of me to challenge her is it??

What I'm trying to work out how to deal with is the fact that she is my bridesmaid and my feelings towards her have now changed

If you have other bridesmaids, get them to do more duties for you? That lessens her input without cutting her out completely. If she asks why just say you feel closer to your other friends?
It's a bit childish but it's what I'd want to do

And the thing is if she wasn't oblivious and knew OP would be peed off she should have explained why to lessen the blow. People do have to explain themselves when feelings are hurt, it's selfish and rude not to

i understand exactly what you mean. I kept my distance from close uni one close friend as she became bitter and jealous of my life when I got engaged, my job, my house - everything, despite me having been a good friend to her for years and picked up the pieces after man after man left her and she had endless one-night stands. She apparently spent my wedding day bitching about me and my husband to other guests and wrote a totally inappropriate comment in my guestbook for which I have never forgiven her.
She recently got married after years of shagging around and invited my 2 friends to the wedding but not me. It hurt for about a nansecond and really I couldn't care less as I have moved on and have much closer, better friends (oh yeah and of course my wonderful life, job, house etc [hmmm]). However I saw pictures of the wedding and I was, er, glad not to be there. (Nay class)
Just keep your distance and you;ll get over it - and find better people to be friends with in the process.

Lucy85-what did she write in your book?What a bitter cow she sounds!

i think you're right in your gut instinct that it's her dp who has the problem.

and i think you shouldn't speak to her about it but view this as the reason and try and put the hurt behind you. i'd be devastated too btw. or you could say that you're hurt but you respect her decision. that might be a way of getting some of this off your chest.

but don't end the friendship over this. you may need to take a step back for a while and that's ok, but don't burn bridges. seems like she's really there for you now.

Yep, I get all the rational arguments - things change, people get closer to other people, etc, etc. But this sort of thing still hurts, especually if in your mind she is your closest and most favoured friend.

My best school friend didn't invite me to her away hen do, we'd been friends for 15 years. She invited lots of people she'd known for far less time and who ironically she doesn't see that much of now, but didn't even pretend she wanted me to come - I had just had my second child, but she never made any excuses - just said this other event had been arranged and told me who was going.

It hurt, and I was sad for a year about it whenever I thought about the situation. Like you I never told her, and trotted along to her wedding and home hen do as if all was well.

Rationally I knew friendships change and develop, but it was awful. I have now recategorised her as 'good acquaintance' in my head for my own dignity.

Inapproprite about an ex. Would have preferred it had not all the guests read it. She also was one of them who complained that 'when peopel have kids they are so boring. They never want to go out any more.' Yeah, not because they have other priorities / no money / think it's boring to stand there while you show everyone you're knockers love. Honestly, he's welcome to her - and catinboots honestly, don't worry about it, just distance yourself.

catinboots- Admittedly, I can see it will have made her being bridesmaid at your wedding uncomfortable for you but you can overcome this. I don't think she is maliciously not giving you an explanation just perhaps being a bit of a coward finding it awkward.
I agree she should perhaps address the situation but it doesn't mean you can't bring it up. I still don't think it's worth ruining a long friendship over although understand you feel like an idiot at the moment. Try to see that she's not saying she doesn't value your friendship by not choosing you. You are just perhaps further down the pecking order than you imagined.

Catinboots Do yuo have any other bridesmaids? Could you say yuo were cutting down due to cost or just have 1 child and again say its due to cost.

I dont see any good reason to have it out. Whats to discuss?
However if you are not comfortable having her as a bridesmaid then you should un ask her. As she didnt ask you, I dont think she will have an issue.

I must be odd but I find the use of the term "best friend" by anyone over the age of 16 cringeworthy.

Also what is wrong with dinner parties and chutney?!

Nothing is wrong with dinner parties and chutney. I just wasn't into those sort of things at that particular time in my life. And I was judged for it.

I think you should keep her as a friend but change your bridesmaid plans otherwise you are always going to feel resentful about it.

Come up with a really good reason that won't hurt her feelings. Like you are going to have only your children/neices/friends dd etc as your bridesmaid and then it will look like she is being un-asked because she is a grown up. Say the wedding isn't big enough for adult bridesmaids or something.

From what you write it sounds as though in many ways she is still a very good friend to you, and one you have been relying on a bit to help get your wedding organised. Do you want to throw that friendship away?

Unless you ask her you won't know why she hasn't asked you. A number of possible reasons have been suggested, all of which seem plausible and reasonably inofensive. Some of them could even indicate she holds you in high regard but has to make compromises in her own life (such as if she hasn't asked you because her DP would rather she didn't - in that scenario I'd guess he'd also rather she wasn't your BM, but she seems to be pulling all the stops out there).

If you're no longer comfortable with her and want to cut her out of your life then do so - but if it were me I'd want to know what was going on. From where you're sitting you feel hard doneby and that you deserve an explanation - but you don't know why she's made the decision she has and you never will unless you talk to her about it. She might have decided you've grown apart and you no longer mean so much to her - but you might be throwing out a friend who had a good reason for doing what she has.

So OP what are you going to do?Are you going to feel happy about her being your bridesmaid?Do you have anyone else who could be your bridesmaid?

I know what I was trying to say

At the moment your resentment is based on assumptions you have made about her decision making process and how she considers you. If you're going to make a fairly major change to your wedding and cut a friend out of your life, to me it seems only fair to establish whether those assumptions are correct or not.

I sympathise that you're upset about this but I think you have to put a brave face on it and keep your thoughts to yourself. I wouldn't ask her why she didn't invite you to be a bridesmaid. Over the years we've probably all been to weddings where we'd have been thrilled to be a bridesmaid, if we'd been asked, but when you're planning a wedding it's impossible to suit everyone. I don't think you should tell her she can't be your bridesmaid, as that sounds like you're punishing her and will definitely spoil your friendship

It's all been arranged for months. We are literally going to order the dresses on Saturday. I've got three other bridesmaids! My sister and my two other closest friends.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt her or upset her. But I can't help the fact that I feel angry and hurt.

I understand a bit how you feel as I have a long standing friend and I definitely need her more than she needs me. It hurts when you don't feel your relationship is equal. I think you need to thik about things.

Do you want to continue the friendship?

What is more important, getting your point across and telling her how you feel or keeping the friendship?

Depending on how that goes it should make the decision to keep her or not as your BM easier.