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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end this ten year friendship over this (long sorry)

393 replies

catinboots · 17/02/2011 09:46

Sorry this is very long, but I need to give you some background about our friendship first. I met my friend at University when we were twenty. I was living with my boyfriend and our one year old son in our own flat. Friend was living in halls of residence and was a total party animal. She was totally wild and had a different bloke every night of the week!! I used to party with her when I got the chance but I lived a fairly dull life in comparison. I had to work and look after a baby as well as doing my degree. Despite the difference in our lives, we formed a really strong friendship. We were definitely best friends.

Fast forward about six years and I went through a very messy break-up with the boyfriend. She was very supportive, but had just met a new man herself and moved three hours away to be with him. Finding myself newly single I went a little bit crazy for about a year. I did a lot of silly things which I deeply regret now. I partied too much, I drank too much, I had too many boyfriends and I was a bad mum. I messed up my job and upset my family and friends. During this period my best friend kept her distance. At the same time I noticed she was changing - she was gradually becoming like a Stepford wife. Dinner parties and making chutney - not like the girl I first met ant uni!

Anyway, I subsequently sorted myself out, got back to reality and luckily met my DP. However, whenever I tried contacting her she was very offish with me. In the end I asked her outright what was wrong ? and she said that her DP didn?t approve of her being friends with me! I apologised for how I?d been behaving and told her how much I valued her friendship. Things had been okay since then and after a couple of years we seemed back to normal ? talking almost every day etc.

DP asked me to marry him last August and she was the first person I asked to be a bridesmaid. She?s been really helping with all the wedding planning and organising the hen and it?s been lovely! On Christmas Eve her DP proposed to her and she was over the moon. Naively I just presumed I would be a bridesmaid for her. She hadn?t mentioned it but I didn?t think anything of it until yesterday when she told me she was going to a wedding fayre. I asked who with and she said her mum, her sister and her two other best friends. It suddenly dawned on me that she isn?t going to ask me to be a bridesmaid. I rang her last night just chatting about wedding stuff and just slipped it in to conversation asking what she was doing about bridesmaids. She said I?m having my sister, the two other friends and one of DPs old friends. Then just started chatting about their dresses and didn?t even address the fact she wasn?t asking me.

I am so hurt and so upset. Not because I?m not being a bridesmaid ? but because our friendship obviously isn?t what I thought it was. I feel like an idiot now ? because I truly thought she was my best friend.
I don?t want to say anything to her because it?s up to her what she does at her wedding. But I feel uncomfortable now. It?s changed things and I don?t think I can just carry on planning my wedding with her as though everything is fine between us. I?m thinking the best thing to do is just cut her out altogether. No confrontation, no discussion. To be honest I don?t think she?ll be that bothered.

AIBU??????

OP posts:
Edinburghlass · 17/02/2011 13:45

I can't see any way at all that you can ask her not to be a bridesmaid, without causing hurt and upset. Is there a part of you that is secretly thinking you'd like to punish her for hurting your feelings?

amelem · 17/02/2011 13:46

I have never heard of anyone being unbridesmaided! Difficult situation for you Catinboots.

JimmyChooChoo · 17/02/2011 13:47

But she doesn't care about hurting OP's feelings ny not asking her!So OP needs to say that she's changed her mind(make a good excuse).
OP be honest do you think she can't afford to have yu as a bridemaid?

Lovecat · 17/02/2011 13:52

YANBU to feel hurt about this, it just feel like a calculated snub.

However I would ask her why you haven't been chosen before you decide to de-bridesmaid her or otherwise break the friendship. I wouldn't be able to leave it not knowing. The lack of offered explanation would hurt me more than anything and I couldn't let that go.

As others have said, her actions in helping you with your wedding plans have shown her to be a good friend to you, so I can understand how hurtful her silence on this issue must be, but don't play her game and break the friendship without speaking to her about it.

LoveBeingAKnockedUp · 17/02/2011 13:55

You can't overcome these feeling unless you talk to her.

Tangle · 17/02/2011 13:56

JimmyChooChoo But she doesn't care about hurting OP's feelings ny not asking her!

How do you know that? She may be very concerned about hurting the OP's feelings and is strugling to find a way to explain. Or she may be upset about not having OP as a BM but needs to keep the peace with her DF. Or she may be a spiteful cow who doesn't give two hoots. Or she may be broke. Or, or, or...

We don't know why the friend hasn't asked the OP. We know that the OP is feeling hurt and angry and that's understandable, but we don't know what the friend is thinking and feeling.

I do think that if you "un-bridesmaid" someone its going to make the friendship pretty unrecoverable.

QuintessentialShadows · 17/02/2011 13:58

I really think you need to just get over this.

Are her other bridesmaids married? Maybe she subscribes to the idea that only unmarried women can be bridesmaids. Or maybe she thinks that you do?

In any event, she is being a good friend to you helping you out with your wedding, so you cant "sack" her on account of doing a poor job.

It does not follow that you shall be her bridesmaid, if she is your, that she shall be godmother of your child, if you are hers, etc.

I adult friendships tit for tat does not really work.

And if you were a mess, a bad mum, etc, her fiance may simply not want you as part of the wedding party. I am sure you friend feels awkward about it.

BettyCash · 17/02/2011 14:00

You can't be a bridesmaid after you've got married, silly!

QuintessentialShadows · 17/02/2011 14:10

There is actually some interesting insight here

erm.

lospolloshermanos · 17/02/2011 14:25

I was alarmed at her being off with you becasue of DP's opinion, you need to decide whether this friendship is worth it or it iws torturing you.

chocadoodle · 17/02/2011 14:39

My "best friend" got married and had 8 bridesmaids no less! I was not asked but was not bothered about not being bridesmaid as I'd have been mortified wearing a bridesmaids dress aged 26 (at the time).

But I was a bit miffed that she obviously valued 7 other people's friendships over mine (1 of them was her sister). I was then asked if I would do a reading in church as my friendship meant so much. I politely refused. This may have been childish on my part but there was no way I was going to stand up and read out loud in front of a church full of people just so she could feel like she'd tried to include me. I didn't tell her this was the reason I just said I didn't feel confident enough and would rather just enjoy the occasion feeling relaxed.

We've never discussed her wedding, I've never asked her reasons for not choosing me and she's never volunteered to explain. I'm ok with this, her wedding, her choice but I do now realise our friendship isn't what I thought it was. We still got on well, but see each other and speak less. I have other friends as does she (clearly) and that's ok. Life I think.

notrightnow · 17/02/2011 14:40

Asking someone to be a bridesmaid is like giving a gift - you don't do it in expectation of getting a gift back, but the transient joy it will bring both the giver and receiver.

Don't break up with your friend over this. Real friendships go through ups and downs just like marriages or any other long relationship. People don't exactly change, but their behaviour might, or their priorities, or their social groupings. You are looking back, with the benefit of hindsight, and playing tit for tat with every stage of your friendship, and that isn't fair to your friend, or you, and will only make you unhappy.

You certainly can't 'unbridesmaid' her - that would be unforgivably rude.

BlueFergie · 17/02/2011 15:09

You seem to think that because you were not asked to be bridesmaid this means you are not close. Why do you think this? It seems to me you are very close but for whatever reason she feels slightly closer to these other 2 girls. It doesn't mean you still aren't close.
it my opinion 'sacking' her as a bridesmaid will make you look very petty and spiteful. This may be ot what you intend to be but it will almost certainly appear that way.

MissyKLo · 17/02/2011 17:00

Talk to her NOW. If it is obvious she has snubbed you just say you have had a change of plan and only have two bridesmaids

Say it really breezily and innocently

She has a damn cheek being your bridesmaid and not asking you

MissyKLo · 17/02/2011 17:04

I like spikeycow! Grin

spikeycow · 17/02/2011 17:22

You're only human after all lol. You're Italian aren't you? So am I but born here. I think that might explain the fireworks on the other wedding thread Grin

RevoltingPeasant · 17/02/2011 17:26

Catinboots

Talk to her. Not nastily or 'breezily' - I get the sense that isn't your style.

Be honest. You have nothing to lose because if she kicks off then you can unbridesmaid her and do you have 2 others.

Can you say sth like this:

'I know this might sound stupid, but when I invited you to be my bridesmaid I'd really looked forward to participating in your wedding as well. I really appreciate all the help you've put in organising mine, but it feels so weird not to have anything to do with yours.'

And then just stop talking (that will be the hard part) and listen to what she says. Then you will know.

MissyKLo · 17/02/2011 19:04

Aha spikey! Yes we med types are fiery women with balls! I think op should def not have this 'friend' as a bridesmaid

Ditch her op!

MissyKLo · 17/02/2011 19:08

I meant to breezily unbridesmaid her should the need arise after a talk revoltingpheasant! I like your idea of a conversation opener though...

After that conversation though, op should very breezily fire her though! Grin

MissyKLo · 17/02/2011 19:08

Where you based spikey? You up north?

Choufleur · 17/02/2011 19:09

YABU. You need to grow up. People have more than one friend.

I only had one adult bridesmaid and DH's niece. It would be lovely if my bridesmaid ever asks me to be hers but she has other friends too.

Do you buy people presents just so that you can get one in return as well?

HowBleddyRude · 17/02/2011 19:21

YANBU to feel hurt, but there could be any number of reasons why she hasn't asked you.

YABU to think of 'unbridesmaiding' her. How utterly childish especially after all the help she has given you with your wedding.

Why on earth would anyone want to be a bridesmaid anyway. 99.9% of the dresses are crimes against fashion designed to make the bride look even better in comparison. I'd be bloody relieved if it was me.

lovechoc · 17/02/2011 19:23

friendships change over the years, don't worry about it OP.

You have both moved on. Don't be childish about it. Try not to take it personally.

lovechoc · 17/02/2011 19:24

when I got married I just had my best friend as bridesmaid (I could have asked other friends too, or even my cousins but could not afford to). People usually understand and I've been invited to several friends weddings and not been asked to be a bridesmaid once - phew! is all I can say.

Being a guest is less stressful, tbh!

spikeycow · 17/02/2011 19:29

No Missy, I'm in London Tahn

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