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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To end this ten year friendship over this (long sorry)

393 replies

catinboots · 17/02/2011 09:46

Sorry this is very long, but I need to give you some background about our friendship first. I met my friend at University when we were twenty. I was living with my boyfriend and our one year old son in our own flat. Friend was living in halls of residence and was a total party animal. She was totally wild and had a different bloke every night of the week!! I used to party with her when I got the chance but I lived a fairly dull life in comparison. I had to work and look after a baby as well as doing my degree. Despite the difference in our lives, we formed a really strong friendship. We were definitely best friends.

Fast forward about six years and I went through a very messy break-up with the boyfriend. She was very supportive, but had just met a new man herself and moved three hours away to be with him. Finding myself newly single I went a little bit crazy for about a year. I did a lot of silly things which I deeply regret now. I partied too much, I drank too much, I had too many boyfriends and I was a bad mum. I messed up my job and upset my family and friends. During this period my best friend kept her distance. At the same time I noticed she was changing - she was gradually becoming like a Stepford wife. Dinner parties and making chutney - not like the girl I first met ant uni!

Anyway, I subsequently sorted myself out, got back to reality and luckily met my DP. However, whenever I tried contacting her she was very offish with me. In the end I asked her outright what was wrong ? and she said that her DP didn?t approve of her being friends with me! I apologised for how I?d been behaving and told her how much I valued her friendship. Things had been okay since then and after a couple of years we seemed back to normal ? talking almost every day etc.

DP asked me to marry him last August and she was the first person I asked to be a bridesmaid. She?s been really helping with all the wedding planning and organising the hen and it?s been lovely! On Christmas Eve her DP proposed to her and she was over the moon. Naively I just presumed I would be a bridesmaid for her. She hadn?t mentioned it but I didn?t think anything of it until yesterday when she told me she was going to a wedding fayre. I asked who with and she said her mum, her sister and her two other best friends. It suddenly dawned on me that she isn?t going to ask me to be a bridesmaid. I rang her last night just chatting about wedding stuff and just slipped it in to conversation asking what she was doing about bridesmaids. She said I?m having my sister, the two other friends and one of DPs old friends. Then just started chatting about their dresses and didn?t even address the fact she wasn?t asking me.

I am so hurt and so upset. Not because I?m not being a bridesmaid ? but because our friendship obviously isn?t what I thought it was. I feel like an idiot now ? because I truly thought she was my best friend.
I don?t want to say anything to her because it?s up to her what she does at her wedding. But I feel uncomfortable now. It?s changed things and I don?t think I can just carry on planning my wedding with her as though everything is fine between us. I?m thinking the best thing to do is just cut her out altogether. No confrontation, no discussion. To be honest I don?t think she?ll be that bothered.

AIBU??????

OP posts:

FindingStuffToChuckOut · 17/02/2011 11:54

YABU & childish.

I asked her therefore she must ask me? Are you seriously placing such a condition on asking her to be your bridesmaid??

OK so you might be a little hurt but if you really value the relationship, you would just accept she can have the wedding she wants with the bridesmaids she wants, without it being anything at all about YOU!

traceybath · 17/02/2011 11:55

YANBU to feel upset.

I think you'd be best to ask her why you weren't asked to be her bridesmaid and say you're a bit hurt by her decision.

Perhaps she's worried you're too pretty and she's chosen her less-attractive friends

traceybath · 17/02/2011 11:56

You see though - this is why bridesmaids should be sweet little girls not grown-ups galumphing round in pale blue polyester

CarolinaRua · 17/02/2011 11:57

I was bridesmaid for a friend whom I didnt ask to be mine. She simply viewed me as being a closer friend than I viewed her. We are still good friends and she didnt seem to care. I dont see why you would discuss your upset or hurt with her, she hasnt really set out to do anything nasty and its her wedding so leave it be.

I wouldnt cut her out because of it. In reality being bridesmaid is rubbish, its much better to be a guest

MissyKLo · 17/02/2011 11:59

Finding - they are supposed to be best mates. She accepted being OP's bridesmaid - you don't think it is off not to ask her back? I mos definately do and OP you should talk to her about it as having her as bridesmaid when she has so so blatantly excluded you from having you at hers will
Only upset you pm your important day so I say if she doesn't have you don't have her it will make you feel better. She is being very unkind to exclude you and not even talk to you about it like you don't deserve even a chat about her reasons why

She is being a cow!

Original poster

catinboots · 17/02/2011 11:59

Just to be clear. I'm not upset about not being a bridesmaid. I am upset about the realisation our friendship is not what I thought it was.

And I have plenty of good, local friends too. I am not some saddo loner clinging on to one old friend from uni.

OP posts:

lyra41 · 17/02/2011 12:02

it seems a shame to lose the friendship completely, but also that the friendship has been on the wane for a few years. i really do undershand how you feel though, esp with the bridesmaid situation. it's a bit embarrassing with her being yours and you both getting married around the same time. what was she thinking. oh well, her loss.

Mammie81 · 17/02/2011 12:05

My best friend didnt have me. She had some girl shes known as long as me who her DP got on better with. They're divorced now and she doesnt speak to the friend as she sided with him.

Id still ask her. I love her. It doesnt matter that she didnt ask me. However, we are in constant contact and are still close, where as I think your friend has moved on somewhat and see's herself differently now. Maybe the other girls she has asked reflect her new view of herself. Dont be too upset, it does suck but it happens.

plantsitter · 17/02/2011 12:08

I can see why you're hurt but you really need to talk to her about it. She may be a traditionalist and not want a married woman as a bridesmaid. You don't know she has no reason to ask these other people.

If you present it as being concerned about the friendship rather than bothered about being a bridesmaid I'm sure you can sort it out. And if you can't, well, there's your answer.

BlueFergie · 17/02/2011 12:09

Oh ffs grow up. Honestly she had to ask her sister and DP's friend as you said. So she had 2 spots left between 3 of you. You were the one who lost out, so what?
More than likely she feels closer to the other 2 it doesn't mean she is not close to you. If she is fufilling her role as bridesmaid for you by helping and getting involved isn't that the main thing? I didn't realise one of the essential responsibilities of being a bridesmaid was to enusre you had the bride as one of yours in return.
You are being a complete baby over this. If you are willing to fall out with her over it than obviously the friendship wasn't worth a whole lot to start with.
If it is because the DP has a problem (and it could well be) well thats unfortunate but I don't agree with others that this is controlling on his part. He is entitled to like or dislike who he chooses. My DH has a couple of friends who I despise one in particular is an absolout dick. There is no way I would have had him in wedding party at my wedding. I don't see why her Dp isn't entitled to a say who is in the wedding party at his.
If you are that upset bring it up with her, but tbh if I was you I would just suck it up, forget it and get on with enjoying her wedding and yours

FindingStuffToChuckOut · 17/02/2011 12:12

Missy it doesn't sound like they are 'best mates' and OP says she has other 'best mates' too. Sounds like they are old friends, possibly good friends.

So by your theory my friend who over the years was bridesmaid about 10 times should have revolved her wedding around ensuing all of those 'best mates' were bridesmaids for her, even the one or two her fiancée couldn't stand?

What are you - 12?

FindingStuffToChuckOut · 17/02/2011 12:14

OP, bummer her fiancée doesn't like you, but it does sound like you understand you made a pretty bad initial impression on him when you were having some personal difficulties.

Would YOU have asked someone to be your bridesmaid who your fiancée didn't like or get along with??? Maybe it's simply that.

Original poster

catinboots · 17/02/2011 12:16

The whole situation just feels odd and awkward now. We're having very similar types of weddings, mine just 9 months before hers so we have been talking about the planning of them together. A lot!!

I just don't feel I can enjoy having her as my bridesmaid now. Maybe I am unreasonable. But that is how I feel.

OP posts:

lyra41 · 17/02/2011 12:19

I can see that, but how do you sack her from being your bridesmaid? Is that what you want to do? I think you do need to have a calm chat about how you feel about it all, and maybe the end result of that will be her bowing out of being a bridesmaid for you.

I don't think you're being silly or childish btw, just honest about the way you feel.

Foreverondiet · 17/02/2011 12:22

In a nutshell she's your best (female) friend but you are not her's.

I think you need to come to terms with the fact that not all friendships are equal on both sides. I thought most people realised this by the time they were teenagers.

Perhaps she should have turned down the offer to be your bridesmaid if she knew that she wouldn't want to reciprocate.

If you can deal with the uneven friendship then you might decide to your your seperate ays and not talk to her again.

There have been variations of this thread -eg asked best friend to be godparent to my baby and now they didn't ask me. It just doesn't work that way...

carriedababi · 17/02/2011 12:23

do you want to sack her from being your bm?

carriedababi · 17/02/2011 12:24

you just need an honest chat with her

Original poster

catinboots · 17/02/2011 12:27

I know not all friendships are equal. I am not an idiot. But I was genuinely led to believe (by her!) that I was one of her closest friends.

Carrie - yes I think I do. Not to be spiteful, or for tit-for-tat reasons. But because I feel sad and hurt and I won't be able to enjoy her imput.

OP posts:

thefruitwhisperer · 17/02/2011 12:29

Buy a far better dress than the ones the bridesmaids are wearing. You'll feel much better

carriedababi · 17/02/2011 12:29

well you need to talk to her then.

spikeycow · 17/02/2011 12:29

I'd cut her out before the wedding. Friends are meant to make you feel good, not like crap. If she was a friend she would have explained to you, unless she sees you as more of an acquaintance. But I'm a bit hard on people though, having cut off various friends, one of 12 years, one whose baby was in SCBU etc (found out she'd been slagging me off). So maybe take everyone elses advice instead.

JimmyChooChoo · 17/02/2011 12:30

OP you should write a list of all the positive things you get from this friendship.
Do you think you've outgrown each other?
Unless she's a truly awful person I think it would seem unreasonable just to 'cut her out' of your life.
I think you should attend her Wedding and afterwards maybe keep her at arms length.
Make yourself busy with your other friends.
Do you really like this person?
Also I assume you're not married yey(?)so maybe ask someone else to be your Bridemaid.

JimmyChooChoo · 17/02/2011 12:31

*Married yet

mrsruffallo · 17/02/2011 12:31

It doesn't mean you are not one of her closest friends does it?
Look, YABU, that's the majority opinion. What do you think you can learn from that?

JimmyChooChoo · 17/02/2011 12:32

Oh and go to her wedding in a gorgeous Elizabeth Hurley style dress

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