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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end this ten year friendship over this (long sorry)

393 replies

catinboots · 17/02/2011 09:46

Sorry this is very long, but I need to give you some background about our friendship first. I met my friend at University when we were twenty. I was living with my boyfriend and our one year old son in our own flat. Friend was living in halls of residence and was a total party animal. She was totally wild and had a different bloke every night of the week!! I used to party with her when I got the chance but I lived a fairly dull life in comparison. I had to work and look after a baby as well as doing my degree. Despite the difference in our lives, we formed a really strong friendship. We were definitely best friends.

Fast forward about six years and I went through a very messy break-up with the boyfriend. She was very supportive, but had just met a new man herself and moved three hours away to be with him. Finding myself newly single I went a little bit crazy for about a year. I did a lot of silly things which I deeply regret now. I partied too much, I drank too much, I had too many boyfriends and I was a bad mum. I messed up my job and upset my family and friends. During this period my best friend kept her distance. At the same time I noticed she was changing - she was gradually becoming like a Stepford wife. Dinner parties and making chutney - not like the girl I first met ant uni!

Anyway, I subsequently sorted myself out, got back to reality and luckily met my DP. However, whenever I tried contacting her she was very offish with me. In the end I asked her outright what was wrong ? and she said that her DP didn?t approve of her being friends with me! I apologised for how I?d been behaving and told her how much I valued her friendship. Things had been okay since then and after a couple of years we seemed back to normal ? talking almost every day etc.

DP asked me to marry him last August and she was the first person I asked to be a bridesmaid. She?s been really helping with all the wedding planning and organising the hen and it?s been lovely! On Christmas Eve her DP proposed to her and she was over the moon. Naively I just presumed I would be a bridesmaid for her. She hadn?t mentioned it but I didn?t think anything of it until yesterday when she told me she was going to a wedding fayre. I asked who with and she said her mum, her sister and her two other best friends. It suddenly dawned on me that she isn?t going to ask me to be a bridesmaid. I rang her last night just chatting about wedding stuff and just slipped it in to conversation asking what she was doing about bridesmaids. She said I?m having my sister, the two other friends and one of DPs old friends. Then just started chatting about their dresses and didn?t even address the fact she wasn?t asking me.

I am so hurt and so upset. Not because I?m not being a bridesmaid ? but because our friendship obviously isn?t what I thought it was. I feel like an idiot now ? because I truly thought she was my best friend.
I don?t want to say anything to her because it?s up to her what she does at her wedding. But I feel uncomfortable now. It?s changed things and I don?t think I can just carry on planning my wedding with her as though everything is fine between us. I?m thinking the best thing to do is just cut her out altogether. No confrontation, no discussion. To be honest I don?t think she?ll be that bothered.

AIBU??????

OP posts:
Original poster
catinboots · 17/02/2011 20:11

I know she is asking the bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses - because that is what her and the others are doing for my wedding. They're all picking something they can wear again.

Money is not the issue.

OP posts:
smokingnuns · 17/02/2011 20:59

Haven't read the whole thread but the problem is very probably to do with her husband. YOu say she has become a stepford wife. If he's got an issue with you then you can hardly be a bridesmaid at his wedding. It's shocking when someone close goes over to the other side - you think your friendship will endure through everything. I totally understand your shock. I had something similar with a friend who has a controlling husband. She is American and when the invitation to their wedding didn't arrive I called to ask if it had got lost in the post, that's how sure I was I'd get an invite. When she said she wasn't inviting me - we live too far away apparently - I was so shocked I couldn't speak for a good few moments. It really hurt and things haven't been the same since. I'm not sure your friendship will survive this OP. I don't know what you're going to do and right now you are in the throws of shock, which will probably turn to anger at some point. If you have been upfront in your friendship all along then definitely have it out with her, ask her what is going on. Don't let her scuttle away and hide behind her husband.

FortunateHamster · 17/02/2011 21:23

Talk to her. Ask her whether there's any particular reason you weren't asked to be bridesmaid. Either she'll give a good reason and reassure you that you are still close, or it will be awkward and the friendship might not move on - but that would've happened anyway if you'd sacked her as bridesmaid without a conversation.

I think YANBU to feel hurt, but that you can't assume that making someone a bridesmaid makes you a bm in return. I do know it stings.

IreneHeron · 17/02/2011 21:36

Friendships change with time, I have best friends who I care about deeply from different eras of my life. I've never been asked to be a bridesmaid by anyone and I don't really care. I never saw it as a slight.

Try if you can to get over it, I'm sure she still likes you. Concentrate your energies on getting more current friends who are right for your life now. Friends drift away, move away, do different things but you can keep in touch and still love them but you need new ones too.

porcamiseria · 17/02/2011 21:37

I am sorry, its shitty

putting aside all the issues behiond this (I suspect her fiancee....) I can imagine that its going to be VERY hard to move on from this

that said she has been very supportive with your wedding, which shows that she does care

and given this, can you just cut her out????

revoltingpeasant has some good advice

bumpsoon · 17/02/2011 21:41

I can completely understand why you are so upset ,im assuming her husband to be knows little of her early trollop days ,but knows everything about yours ! So you are being judged but she isnt . As others have said give yourself a few days to come to terms with it , it may be she would of liked you to be bridesmaid ,but her fiancee would have kittens ,whilst you are in the more fotunate posistion to be marrying a man , who has allowed you to choose your bridesmaid based on your feelings for her .

blowninonabreeze · 17/02/2011 21:45

It may well be the fact that you're married?

I had 3 bridesmaids (my 2 best mates from school and my sister), I got married 6 years before my 2 best mates, who got married the same summer as each other.

At the first wedding, my other best mate was bridesmaid (I wasn't although DD was a flower girl) at the second wedding neither of us were bridesmaids because we were married, it never occurred to us that we could/should be.

TBH I was very very releved (would HATE to be a bridesmaid now, much more enjoyable to be a guest at a wedding IMO)

BonzoDooDah · 17/02/2011 22:42

I too was going to suggest it may be because you will be married and therefore not strictly eligable to be a bridesmaid. You'd be a matron of honour or some other ridiculous title. It could be as simple as that and she thinks you'd understand hence not explaining. I hope that's the case for your sake. But I'd definately speak to her and say you'd been thinking about it and wondered about her decision. She'll have to say somthing then and then you can make a judgement based on something rather than a raw emotion which may be wrong.

Edinburghlass · 17/02/2011 23:23

I've read this with interest. To be honest I'm surprised that so many people are encouraging you to speak to her to ask why she didn't ask you to be a bridesmaid. Seems to me that you have to respect her choice, even if it hurts your feelings.

Original poster
catinboots · 18/02/2011 08:58

Edinburghlass - that's my point. It's up to her who she picks. I can't really challenge her can I? She knows the situation, she knows I would have been expecting (rightly or wrongly) her to ask me.

She has chosen not to give me an explanation. She has created this awkward situation, not me.

I can't feel the same about her now (again, rightly or wrongly). ANd I don't feel comfortable having her as my bridesmaid. I can't change the way I feel.

I feel like I'm trapped in a really awkward situation

OP posts:
Lulumaam · 18/02/2011 09:04

I bet the reason is that her fiance has said he doesn't want you to be bridesmaid and she feel embarassed

i do think you need to do as revoltingpeasant hsa suggested

what's the worst that can happen ? you and she fall out? you were thinking about cutting her out anyway

you cannot spend the remaining time to the wedding dreading it and resneting her being your bridesmaid

Original poster
catinboots · 18/02/2011 09:09

Lulumaam you're right. It's just plucking up the courage to do so.

OP posts:
EdgarAleNPie · 18/02/2011 09:13

i find it odd that she would discourage you because her DP doesn't approve. - and from what she said that's what happened before.

however...it is upsetting. of course it is. but it would be stupid to lose the friendship over it.

sometimes you ust have to grin and bear it - and this is one of hose times. sometimes you will value people more than they value you. its inevitable really.

The person i reard as my Bessie had four bridesmaids - not including me. I was 40+3 on the weding but she didn't know that.....

EdgarAleNPie · 18/02/2011 09:13

regard

Mammie81 · 18/02/2011 09:27

I spoke to my DP about this last night as we plan on marrying (at some point, who knows when!) and he said its very unusual in his culture (hes cypriot) for a married woman to be a bridesmaid.

Saying that, my mum had her married friend as a matron of honor.

Lulumaam · 18/02/2011 09:28

just talk to her... get it off your chest... or you could email> if you live several hours apart, then meeting up not really an option?

Teenybitsad · 18/02/2011 09:40

My best friend did the same to me and I chose to let it go. She had another friend as Maid of Honour and another to do a reading. I chose not to feel hurt because it was her wedding and what she wanted.

Her feelings are her feelings. I think personally that se did it as she feared I might outshine her on the day....is there anyway your mate felt that fear too?

My friend I think tied to make up for it by seating me on her family table with her immediate realtives...I saw tha as an honour and tried o get over the fact that the mad of onour is a bitchy girl whoI migh add has since letmy friend down badly in a number of ways.

Let it go. Are you prettier than your friend?

Teenybitsad · 18/02/2011 09:41

"Mad of honour" would be right in our case! The girl was a bit mad!

Lonnie · 18/02/2011 09:45

I have read to page 4 on this but really op you are going to have to ask her outright why she didnt ask you to be bridesmaid. See how she responds if you feel she gives a valid reason as to why not then you wont mind having her as a bridesmaid and you can go back to enjoying planning your wedding. If however you feel that her answer confirms your suspesion that your friendship has run its course then tell her that accept that is how it is and uninvite her to be your bridesmaid and find someone else to do so.

In doing that you will likely end the friendship but sometimes that has to happen for us to move on.

Basically you have to have courage.

Katisha · 18/02/2011 09:55

If you don't talk to her this is going to fester

You need to get it done before Saturday.

KnittedBreast · 18/02/2011 10:04

unfortunatly friendships past 16 or 18 years old change dramatically. I often really miss the closeness and intensity of past relationships growing up, they will never be the same. especially when you have children, you cant live in each others pockets anymore. Thats what they dont tell you as part of sex ed, its not that you cant do all the stuff you did when you were younger/travel the world etc... its more that you change, your feelings you dont enjoy what you used to etc...

I think if there was a way of showing young girls this change in themselves less would children so young, once its gone you cant get it back

solooovely · 18/02/2011 10:23

How about saying that you have been thinking about it and you think 4 bridesmaids might be a bit much and would she mind not being one. Say that seeing as you don't see each other so much these days that you thought she wouldn't mind being dropped.

Or say that you thought she had enough going on organising her own wedding to be your bridesmaid (make it look like you are doing her a favour).

Any good?

megapixels · 18/02/2011 11:11

YABU I think. I don't understand the "have a talk with your friend" argument at all. What is there to talk about really? She didn't pick you as a bridesmaid, why on earth do you need reasons for it? It's just one of those things isn't it, a bride picks a certain number of bridesmaids, if she doesn't pick you it doesn't mean that she doesn't like you or that it was a deliberate snub.

Also, it doesn't sound like you approve much of your friend - using words like Stepword wives, dinner parties and making chutney. Most people change over time, just because she had a crazy life at uni doesn't mean that she has to live all her life like that, she should be free to make her choices in life without being judged for it by being labelled a stepford wife etc. by someone who is supposedly a very close friend.

De-bridesmaiding someone because you didn't get picked in return sounds so childish.

Katisha · 18/02/2011 11:15

THey need to talk becasue otherwise it festers. It turns into what the OP thinks might be going on and it would be much better to have it out rather than simmering resentement building throughout the remaining run-up to her wedding.

EIther way it needs sorting before they start ordering dresses tomorrow. I would suggest going for a drink tonight or at least a phone call.

carriedababi · 18/02/2011 15:16

cat how are you feeling today?