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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit shocked by the attitude regarding menfolk

137 replies

Gemsy83 · 17/02/2011 09:28

I.e on so many threads 'they've been at work- they should have a hot meal waiting for them'
Why does being at work all day seem to negate the need to ever cook a meal for oneself/family?

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 17/02/2011 09:29

Confused What threads have you been reading?

femalevictormeldrew · 17/02/2011 09:35

I am SAHM and when my husband gets home I have dinner waiting for him. I would feel pretty bad if he had to come in after working all day and make his own dinner. On the other hand, if it were me that was working all day, I would hope he would have it ready for me too.

GeekCool · 17/02/2011 09:36

If the SAHP is happy to do it then I don't see the problem.

manicbmc · 17/02/2011 09:36

Is this from the one about feeding a husband's dinner to the kids? I must admit I was a bit Shock at some of the attitudes.

My ex mil was aghast that I refused to get up at 7am to make ex h's sandwiches. I pointed out he was capable of making his own. So she suggested I could make them the night before. Hmm It also wasn't his 'job' to help nightfeed when I had twins screaming even though it would have meant we all got a better nights sleep. His job was to go to work, get fed and then go out drinking. Can't think why I left him Grin

In a good relationship there is give and take on both sides. And mutual respect. It's taken me a long time to get there.

coldtits · 17/02/2011 09:37

When my ex was a sahd, I expected a meal ready (either to eat or reheat) when I got home.

Likewise, when I was a sahm, he had a meal waiting.

The person nearest the kitchen does the cooking unless there's a reason why they can't.

Original poster
Gemsy83 · 17/02/2011 09:38

Its not whether the SAHP is happy to do it- thats their arrangement and up to them. Its the 'aww poor menz been out at work all day you must prepare their meal for them you utterly cannot expect them to make food for themselves' sort of attitude ive seen. Equally the woman who worked a few hours and went ape at her husband not making her lunch. It just seems so co-dependent and needy. Very 1950s.

OP posts:
shakey1500 · 17/02/2011 09:38

I don't think anyone has insinuated that being at work all day "negates the need to ever cook etc" have they? Or if they have- where? Where on the "so many threads"?

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a meal waiting if you've (m or f) been at work all day and the opposite hasn't. Doesn't mean they don;t cook for the family when they're NOT working. Confused.

BlueCollie · 17/02/2011 09:40

I agree with you totally. I can not understand the attitude of these women that think that their husband must clearly be more tired than them as they have been working out of the home all day. I work in a very busy A and E dept and I think that some days that is easier than looking after kids.

If my DH came home late and expected his dinner to be on the table I would just laugh my socks off. One job is not more important than the others and think some of these women need to read 'The Womans Room'..... think that is what is called.

My DH finds it funny when other friends refer to there partner as 'babysitting' thier own kids. You can't babysit your own child fgs. But then he finds it funny/disgraceful if friends OH don't cook/clean/iron and let their women lie in bed on a weekend if they want to. He points it out to his own male friends that they are being arses to their OH's.

Hammy02 · 17/02/2011 09:41

Of course the person staying at home should have the dinner ready. Or do you think it's fair that someone works all day, travels back from work, only to then have to crack on with making the dinner? Ridiculous.

GeekCool · 17/02/2011 09:42

Why let it bother you though? If that's their feelings, what impact on your life is it?
When I was on Mat Leave I would try and have dinner ready for DH when he got home, but he ended up saying not to and he would make it. I do more cooking, as I enjoy it. We both work, we share everything - except the bin. Sorry, don't care how that sounds, I fucking hate emptying the bin.

pagwatch · 17/02/2011 09:42

If dh is at work until 7.30pm it makes sense for me to cook. To get him to change and then make me supper when I have been in the house all day would seem a little perverse.

Cooking supper for my dh does not make me a 50s wifey. It is just about practicality. He cooks all weekend. He enjoys it more than me.

BlueCollie · 17/02/2011 09:53

I don't think it is about getting him to cook for you when he gets back more that the SAHP has already cooked and to then expect them to start cooking again because OH has just come home. The SAHP has been working all day too so why should their day be less important than the paid work persons??? Why should they get to sit on their arse while someone else cooks for them because they were late??? Why should the SAHP day carry on until much later than the working persons??? These are adults and can and should be able to knock themselves up some food or microwave family meal if they aren't home at dinner time.

GeekCool · 17/02/2011 10:00

Erm maybe the working parent does the dishes, cleans up etc? Cooking the dinner for someone does not then mean the working parent does nothing on return from work.

TheCoalitionNeedsYou · 17/02/2011 10:02

When we both were in full time paid smployment we took it in turns to cook.

Now one of us is part time we take it in turns to cook.

If one of us was doing full time child care I expect we would take it in turn to cook. If one of us was at home not doing childcare, I expect they would do more cooking.

slightlymad72 · 17/02/2011 10:05

I'm a SAHM, my DH doesn't expect a meal for him when he gets home and I don't feel that I have to make one either. I cook to feed my DCs, I make enough to feed us all most of the time, sometimes I CBA and will let them pick what they want, which is usually a tin. If my DH comes home and there is nothing to eat then he will either make something for us both or go to the take away.

Neither do I feel I 'should' wash his clothes, iron his shirts, I do them because I'm doing everyone elses washing, or ironing everyone elses clothes.

Vallhala · 17/02/2011 10:07

I agree with everything BlueCollie has said.

A SAHP who has, for example an average day when my 2 were younger and I was not at work that day, washed, fed and dressed young DC, walked one DC to school and back for a 12 mile round trip, gone to the shops and carried home the shopping, washed and ironed clothing for themselves, partner and children, cleaned the house after all members of the household, changed bedlinen for them all, mowed the grass in the garden they all enjoy, walked the family's dogs and taken down, washed and replaced the curtains in the family's sitting room, all whilst feeding, playing with, cleaning and caring for amother DC has done as long a day as the average paid parent and for those whose DPs are in office jobs or similar she'll have put in a lot more energy and be more tired too.

Why the hell does the above make it her duty to continue working while her DP comes home and turns on the TV by feeding a fully functioning adult?

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 17/02/2011 10:09

DH doesn't expect a meal, but most days he has one. I have to feed the DC, it would seem rather churlish to deliberately not cook for him. It's no extra effort. If I don't cook, it's not a problem

GeekCool · 17/02/2011 10:11

Vallhala, is that an average day really? Mowing the grass every day, changing the curtains, shopping every day?

I think you might exaggerate just a small bit. Hmm

bronze · 17/02/2011 10:13

It's the assumption that the sahm doesn't work as hard parent as the parent in paid employment.
DH often does our cooking even after work as I will have done the childrens and will then be puttig them to bed.
I was out of circulation yesterday. He admitted he wouldn't to take my place any time soon. his words 'too much like hard work'

Maryz · 17/02/2011 10:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GeekCool · 17/02/2011 10:16

bronze I don't understand how preparing a meal is the result of an assumption that SAHP don't work hard?

Vallhala · 17/02/2011 10:16

Geek, I think it's perfectly possible to work out that when not mowing grass, for example, I'd be doing other things which equally didn't involve me sitting on my arse. Walking 4 miles there and back to the library with DC, for example. Or clearing a cupboard. Or cleaning windows...

And yes, I did shop almost every day.

GeekCool · 17/02/2011 10:17

Vallhala - did all those things require to be done every day during the week? Nothing could be left to the weekend to be shared?

OneMoreChap · 17/02/2011 10:18

Yep, YANBU.

ExDW worked shifts; I'd feed the kids & me and do a portion for her (or feed the kids and do something to eat with her at 9pm)

If I was working and she wasn't she'd cook for me.

DW insists on doing most ironing because she says I take too long to do it. She won't press my suits:) I won't iron her pleated skirts :)

We both do a share of all jobs (OK, she doesn't play with sparks, I don't mess with plant containers)

tbh, whatever works for a couple is good; as long as it works for them

whydobirdssuddenlyappear · 17/02/2011 10:19

I'm a SAHM. I also home educate. I also spend 4 hours a day, or thereabouts, practising music in order that I might not be a SAHM for ever. I still make sure tea's ready for DH when he gets in. I have 4 reasons for this. Firstly, if it isn't, it pushes the kids' bedtimes back so they take up more of 'our' evening. Secondly, DH is usually absolutely ravenous when he gets in, and has been travelling for an hour and a half, with a mile's walk in the cold and dark at this end. Thirdly, it allows me to bung on something to cook slowly at some point in the afternoon, so I'm not running round like a headless chicken at the end of the day. Finally, the first thing DH wants to do when he gets in, understandably, is get changed and have a shower. Me dishing up and getting the table and chairs out and ready fits quite nicely into that, so time doesn't get wasted.
However, DH does the bulk of the cooking at the weekend, and when we have something to eat in the evening once the kids are in bed, he invariably cooks that.
I don't see it as being '50s wifey'. It's nice to do things for each other.
I also wash and iron DH's clothes, because I have to wash the kids' stuff, and I have to iron my things, so it seems mean to go 'well I've done my stuff, now you can do yours'.
I know it's hard work being at home with kids. I really do. But ultimately, I don't have to leave the house at 6am and have a 3 hour round commute every day.