To be a bit shocked by the attitude regarding menfolk

[Gemsy83]

I.e on so many threads 'they've been at work- they should have a hot meal waiting for them'
Why does being at work all day seem to negate the need to ever cook a meal for oneself/family?

But pagwatch, that isn't how it is - not for us anyway. We're a partnership and a shared household, we work together to get the things done that need to be done, there's no seething or resentment or keeping track of every little thing each person does. We help each other, if one of us is tired or sick or working long hours or stressed, the other steps in and does a bit more.

However that is worlds away from the situation on the other thread where the husband 'expects' his dinner on the table when he gets in every day, but feels free to cancel at a moment's notice, and people say she's selfish and lazy if she decides one day she's finally had enough of being treated like his servant and personal chef.

I just feel that capable adults should be able to take care of their own basic bodily needs, like washing, feeding and clothing themselves. Of course it's a lovely thing to make a nice dinner for your partner, we do this for each other nearly every weekend, and I actually enjoy making something nice and seeing him enjoy it (hopefully he feels the same way). But I feel absolutely no obligation to do this, and I wouldn't care for be called 'selfish' if I decided not to do it any more.

I work from home 4 days a week. Easier than going out to work perhaps, but also trickier because I look after the kids every moment that I'm not in my study working (no nice coffee breaks/lunch breaks etc.). DH gets home in time for kids tea-time and we all eat together. Sometimes I cook, sometimes he does, it just works out. We both do bathtime/bedtime (he baths, I put away laundry, we each put 1 DC to bed).

With 2 very small DCs plus another on the way, I think I work as hard at home even especially on my 'non-work' day as DH does at work. He thinks so too, so we share stuff. If he's getting home late though, I would keep some dinner for him (or if it's going to be very late, assume he's eaten already, or else he'd eat a snack from fridge)

I guess i am old fashioned but, my OH works upto 6 days a week as he has his own business. It's a mentally and physically knackering job so i feel it's only fair for me to look after him and give him what he needs. I don't mind it at all, i feel good looking after my family.

Hmph. My DH NEVER cooks. Ever. But I knew this when I met him and quite frankly I'd rather do it anyway as I'm a bit of a foodie and would moan if he got it wrong. Sometimes I'm at work till half 8 and I still get home and cook. But he does do a lot of housework and washes up after said meals. I think as long as it works for you and there aren't too many arguments then you're doing it right! I don't iron for him though. Draw the line at that. Hate ironing.

Totally pag exactly what i was trying to say!

Ephiny

I didn't read the other thread. I was just responding to some of the stuff on here.

LED at age 11 my mother became the 'housewife' when her mother died, responsible for her brothers and her father - cooki g and cleaning and responsible for seeing to the needs of the men of the house .

She stayed at home when she had us and the attitudes in her childhood home pervaded how we were raised.
But seeing that played out has not led to any of us having those attitudes ourselves.

I don't understand why in this era women would seek to be submissive. But equally I don't understand those who see the desperate divvying up of who does what as the sensible basis for a relationship.
That's all.

Sorry LittleRed..
The second part of my post was to you.

But not sure it makes sense

I should stop trying to think about stuff and wait till DH gets home to explain what I mean

"I don't understand why in this era women would seek to be submissive. But equally I don't understand those who see the desperate divvying up of who does what as the sensible basis for a relationship.
That's all."

Fair enough, and I agree with you. I think if both partners respect themselves and each other as equals it shouldn't be an issue, you just get on with the things that need doing and help each other out as and when needed.

at pagwatch

It makes perfect sense, thanks!

I think perhaps I didn't make sufficiently clear when I started posting that I do think I'm commenting on the exception, not the rule. It just seems that while some people still live the way my mother does (I do, sadly, know someone my age - twenties - who's like this too), it's worth commenting on. I reckon the majority of relationships don't require any 'divvying up', as you say. But occasionally, some people seem to need a healthy dose of reality because they just don't realize the balance has become uneven. I don't think my dad's so very unusual, esp. for his generation, in simply not recognizing/acknowledging that cooking and housework actually take time and effort.

pagwatch hits the nail on the head,

I'm a working dad and when i get home my DW will normally cook our dinner, not because of any kind of expectation , but because she knows this is the only time of the day during the working week that i can spend quality time with our DS, i'm very grateful to her for that.

We work together, surely that's what being a family is about?

Yes. I agree with that.
I think my dh was always pretty good (when we met we both worked. I gave up work after ds2) and we have always split things equally.
But he never really got what was involved in looking after a family with children until he had an extended period of time at home. It took a bit longer for him to get that the amount of work had increased enormously ergo his share had gone up too.

I cook, most nights. It's my job, along with the bulk of childcare and housework.

DH can generally tidy up after himself, which I fully expect from any adult, but actual cleaning is my job.

We eat together every evening. I cook, he lays the table and clears the plates. We load the dishwasher together.

If, for a good reason, he required a separate meal as a one-off I would do it cheerfully so long as I had a bit of warning. And not because I had to, but because I love him and want to see him eat a hot, healthy meal.

He always thanks me for cooking, too, which I think is nice.