To be a bit shocked by the attitude regarding menfolk

[Gemsy83]

I.e on so many threads 'they've been at work- they should have a hot meal waiting for them'
Why does being at work all day seem to negate the need to ever cook a meal for oneself/family?

The situation isn't relevant to us as we both work FT, but some of the comments about MILs on this thread reminded me of something...

I got engaged when I was 21. I had been staying with DP for a week at his parents house when his Mum decided to show me how to make a bed properly as that was my job (we both worked full-time... ).

Then, on another occasion, we were running late for meeting some friends and I had rushed in from work and straight into the shower. I'd asked DP if he wouldn't mind ironing a top for me to speed things up. His Mum came home as he was ironing it. I could hear her screaming at him 'How dare she make you iron her clothes. I will NOT have a son of mine doing woman's work!! That is her job!' .

Needless to say, that relationship didn't last long. I'm now married to a DH who does more housework than me (he lived on his own from the age of 17 so learnt to look after himself).

Ex-Partner is now married with two children. Frequents lap-dancing clubs on a regular basis while his wife stays at home with the children. He's cheated on her several times since they were married and she's such a lovely girl. I think I had a lucky escape!

Soooo YANBU!!

Well. when I work late DH has a meal ready for meal, and I greatly appreciate not having to cook.
I do the same for him. It's about making life a little easier for each other isn't it?

Indeed Ruffallo.
All of this calculating the worth of one task compared to another completely defeats the idea of living with someone and sharing a life and its loads. Doesn't augur well for people's future happiness if one constantly totting up favours.

Perhaps it's different if one person really enjoys cooking though, and it helps them wind down? DP is constantly interfering helping when I start cooking, and I think he'd actually be upset if he didn't do it himself at least a few times a week.

Of course every meal doesn't require a shopping trip - but still, someone has to do the shopping (and presumably budgeting and carrying). Obviously, the better off you are, the more economical on time (and money) you can make this process. But before deciding that SAH women who don't cook for their husbands are all lazy and 'sour', it might be fair to remember that for some of us the shopping and cooking are necessarily time-consuming.

I have a three-drawer fridge and no freezer; there is no way I can buy bulk and DH knows that. We shop and cook together. If I did it all, it would take hours of my time. This was even more true a few months ago when we had no car - there's a pretty low limit to what I can carry back from the shops.

I hope this doesn't sound irrelevant, I'm just trying to show that people aren't all in the same boat, and for some people these 'little' tasks like cooking dinner can take a lot of time and effort. If one partner doesn't realize/acknowledge this, there's something very wrong in the relationship, imo.

Whoever is in the house first should make a start on preparing the meal.

Unless someone is staying at home whilst the other works. The person spending most time at home should cook the evening meal on most occasions.

'If one partner doesn't realize/acknowledge this, there's something very wrong in the relationship, imo'

Eell, doesn't that go without saying?
My dh very appreciative of the food I make in the same way that I am appreciative of him doing all the things he does for us.

Ah, well that's settled then, Hymie

We can stop now, everyone.

I don't think that working out the worth of the individual 'task' has any value at all because we all find different tasks harder than others and enjoy different things. I find an hour of looking after a one year old 'harder' than sitting at my desk typing up minutes. But it's the typing up minutes which earns the money... so which one has more value.. ? Who the hell knows.

The point is surely 'time' i.e. how much time do you each devote to the necessary things that need to be done to keep the family going: cooking/cleaning/childcare(doing stuff not just being there)/earning money/food shopping/caring for elderly relatives/ taking the dog to the vet etc etc.

As long as both man and woman (or woman and woman/man and man) are tasking for the same length of time surely that is what should be expected of each other?

I know a lot of mums at DDs school don't work in the day time and joke about how they are not a slave and their DH has to cook dinner a couple of times a week when he gets home. I think that is unfair. But similarly i know of working women who work a full week and then have to do all of the housework and cooking etc as well.

My DP and i love each other, we respect each other's time. If the washing needs to be hung out and the plates need clearing away from dinner, one does one thing and the other does the other. There's no converdation about it or point scoring. We just would die before one of us sat down and ended their working day while the other worked on... that's a partnership in my mind.

moondog - well, no, it doesn't go without saying for everyone. I thought that was the point?

If you think someone who doesn't make a meal for their working-outside-the-home partner is lazy or sour, then clearly you don't think this effort is worth acknowledging.

[hmmm]

ARRGH! The 'for you'..... my pet hate.

Why thank you so much! For me! What a giving person you are....

Eh? moondog's post is common sense isn't it?
pasta pesto will do if you only have five minutes, hth

samay
The one thing I hate though, is when I am at freinds houses and thier dh/dp says to them "I've done the washing up for you" or "I've bath the children for you". Implying it's the womans job to do those things, and they have done here some massive favour.

My DW says, "I've made a cup of tea for you, ", "I've cleaned the car for you"

I don't think she's implying either of them are my job (OK, washing the car is, because it's a tall rascal, and she'd need steps to do the top).

Similarly, if she's put washing in, I'll say "I've hung it up for you," and vice-versa.

Wow.

What a bizarre thread!

I'm genuinely astonished at the number of people who live essentially separate lives under the same roof. From some posters there is a kind of 'well I'm fed and I've got clean clothes, you sort yourself out' attitude, which is actually quite depressing and surely not what you want your children to learn?
What is the point of having children in a partnership if there is no sharing of communal tasks?

I'm a SAHM, and I probably do the majority of the cooking during the week, although DH does one or two nights a week - it just depends on what else is going on and what time he is home. He does 80% of the cooking at the weekends because he enjoys it more than I do.

I could not live the way some on this thread describe.

Dh and I get up each morning and we both do whatever we can to have a calm, happy life which suits all of us as best it can. I want his life to be great, he wants mine to be great. We do the jobs in front of us. We do what we can to help each other.

To be sitting in our respective corners silently seething about whether he emptied the dishwasher or she bought the milk. Fucking Nora. What a sad existence.

Totally agree with pagwatch and Maryz and others. Some people seem to love this simmering, seething resentment and treating their DH as some sort of irritant who comes in at 7.30pm trudging his muddy boots all over the carpet and demanding his evening meal.

I see what you're saying pag, Unquiet. But I think, having seen it all the time I was growing up, it is much worse to be not seething, just doing far more than your fair share, feeling useless and wondering why you never seen to have any time despite 'only' doing the 'little' household tasks.

I am so thankful my DH isn't like my father, and does realize what I do (and I hope I realize what he does). We don't have to think about it much - but that's because it's working.

My mum, OTOH, is constantly exhausted and beating herself up for 'not doing anything'. I have seen her work an 11-hour day, shop on her way home, spend an hour cooking a meal because she believes that's what my dad expects (and he does) - and at the end of it all, wonder why she is tired. My dad will have worked fewer hours, and will wash up - but for some reason, she honestly believes he works far longer and harder.

I accept this situation probably doesn't ring bells for most of us, but it's still a reality for some people.