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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit shocked by the attitude regarding menfolk

137 replies

Gemsy83 · 17/02/2011 09:28

I.e on so many threads 'they've been at work- they should have a hot meal waiting for them'
Why does being at work all day seem to negate the need to ever cook a meal for oneself/family?

OP posts:
Vallhala · 17/02/2011 10:20

Shared? Don't make me laugh!

All those things are in the past now anyway. I now have far more time on my hands, thanks to the children being teenagers, a Blackberry, internet shopping.

And divorce, the biggest benefit of them all.

bronze · 17/02/2011 10:22

Geek
"I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a meal waiting if you've (m or f) been at work all day and the opposite hasn't."

"I would feel pretty bad if he had to come in after working all day and make his own dinner."

"Of course the person staying at home should have the dinner ready. Or do you think it's fair that someone works all day, travels back from work, only to then have to crack on with making the dinner?"

Ok none have said wohp works harder the impression I got (and from that thread) is why should they do the cooking when they have spent so long working hard. Unless the sahm parent has stopped before dinner cooking time then why should it be assumed they will cook.

moogalicious · 17/02/2011 10:23

YABU. What maryz said. My dh leaves for work at 6.30am and gets home 7.30pm. I do dinner for him, it's no problem. It's nothing to do with who works the hardest - I just don't want to eat at 8.30/9.00.

Weekends he cooks.

I have 3 dc's but I certainly don't spend all day doing chores. Or maybe I'm just lazy.

BitOfFun · 17/02/2011 10:23

I don't see that there are any 'rules' really. I'm usually at home and often cook, but equally, DP enjoys it, and if I can't think what to make/don't fancy eating yet, he is quite happy to make something and we eat later or go to the chippy.

whydobirdssuddenlyappear · 17/02/2011 10:25

My dh tends to stop working at about the same time as me, tbh. I make dinner, we all eat it, then one of us cleans up after dinner, one of us puts the dcs to bed. Then I come downstairs and study/make reeds/do paid work and he sorts out our 2nd dinner [fat gits emoticon].

crazygracieuk · 17/02/2011 10:25

I am a SAHM and I have a meal waiting for dh when he gets home. He gets home about 8pm so if he started cooking then, it would be like 9pm before we ate!

It's much easier for me to start cooking so it's ready at 8pm ish because dc goes to bed at 7pm which leaves me time to get one with it.

It's not a 1950s arrangement at all. If he's home a bit early, dh will make his lunch for the next day so that after dinner he can chill.

manicbmc · 17/02/2011 10:26

Divorce is a great thing, Valhalla Grin

Can't wait for mine.

samay · 17/02/2011 10:27

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Vallhala · 17/02/2011 10:27

Moogalicious, my house was far cleaner and tidier when my two children were small and I spent all day doing chores than it is now I work for myself and they're teenagers. :)

SecondMrsS · 17/02/2011 10:27

I get in at 6pm and my partner gets in at 7. So I make the dinner. We both work fulltime. I would hardly get in an hour ahead of him and then flit about painting my nails waiting for him to get in and then expect him to cook dinner... That doesnt seem very fair.

I also make the sandwiches as I get up earlier because my DD wakes early (not his DD) He does the washing up though after dinner while I sit down so our 'days' are the same length. i.e. mine starts earlier and his finishes later.

I always think what ever your arrangement in terms of who is in paid employment and who isn't, your 'working day' should be the same length.

Usuallly if you are a stay at home parent there isn't a lot else to do between say, 5pm and 6pm and so if your partner is either working, or commuting from work, surely it's your job to cook dinner, no?

bronze · 17/02/2011 10:27

See that makes sense crazy and moog. It's those that say that the sahp should cook just because they are at home that wind me up.

whydobirdssuddenlyappear · 17/02/2011 10:27

Bronze, I find it odd that cooking tea wouldn't be factored into 'things the sahp has to do'. In the case when everyone's eating together, someone has to, at least, feed the dcs, so surely that's part of the sahp's job if they happen to be the one looking after them at the time? I suppose it's a slightly different matter if adults eat later, but it's not that much of an imposition to cook enough for everybody and keep some hot for later. It's much cheaper and easier to organise than expecting that someone will sort themselves out when they get in too.

BertieBotts · 17/02/2011 10:28

Oh that makes more sense - yes if you are feeding the children the same thing as the adults and the children are going to bed early-ish then I suppose it makes sense to have dinner waiting.

I just never really "got" this idea about having dinner already on the table etc. But if the ages of your children dictate eating that early then fair enough. I've always found it extremely difficult to cook with a baby/ toddler around my ankles (or screaming in a playpen) so when I was with XP I'd wait for him to get home and take over with DS before starting the dinner.

I suppose this dinner waiting on the table as soon as the working partner arrives home thing is confined to a particular age of your children? Or am I just odd in preferring to eat at 7/8ish? That's what I remember from when I was growing up anyway. If I eat a big meal at 5 or 6 I'm hungry by the time I go to bed.

samay · 17/02/2011 10:28

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SecondMrsS · 17/02/2011 10:29

samay would you be prepared to work 8 hours straight, come home, cook dinner, tidy up, do childcare etc if your partner had been home all day?

HecateQueenOfWitches · 17/02/2011 10:29

It's about fair division of labour.

In a family, many things need to be done

money needs to be earned
children need to be taken care of
shopping needs to be done
house needs to be cleaned
etc etc

So if one person is bringing in the money, then the other person should do an equivalent amount of work in the form of the other things that must be done to maintain a family.

And the rest of the things should be split equally.

If both are bringing in money, then all other things should be split to reflect that.

Basically, your 'working week' should be roughly the same number of hours, I think.

manicbmc · 17/02/2011 10:29

Isn't this all a matter of what suits each couple? Also I do things for my dp because I want to and not because he expects it. The ex expected all sorts. It's the expectation and insistance that something is done that's unreasonable.

whydobirdssuddenlyappear · 17/02/2011 10:29

Bertie, we get round that by eating at 6ish with the kids, then eating again at about 8.30...

whydobirdssuddenlyappear · 17/02/2011 10:30

Exactly, manic. The day DH comes in and says 'where's my dinner' rather than 'do you need any help' is the day he bloody makes his own.

Ephiny · 17/02/2011 10:31

YANBU, I have been really shocked at some of the attitudes I've seen on here and the servant role some women seem to adopt.

DP and I usually sort out our own food during the week, generally at the weekend we will each cook one meal for each other if we're both at home and not doing anything else and feel like cooking. It's a nice thing to do for your partner on occasion, but I would be outraged at the suggestion that I should have his dinner on the table every night, or do his laundry and ironing. I wouldn't dream of doing those things, any more than I would wipe his bum for him after he's been to the toilet. Because he's an able-bodied grown man and capable of doing these things himself.

Having said that I've always supported myself and made an equal contribution to the household, and would never consider myself entitled to a penny of his money. I think it's often when the woman is financially dependent on her husband that these weird dynamics tend to emerge.

Ciske · 17/02/2011 10:32

We both work full time so I can assure you, it's perfectly possible to work all day, cook a meal, spend time with DC and still pick up 50% of the housework. We have no choice here!

However, sometimes DP has a long day at work and then I make sure I leave him food for when he gets back. He does the same for me. It's not a Woman vs. Man issue, it's about being considerate for each other. As a general rule, make sure when it's time to relax you can both sit down and there isn't one still running out resentfully while the other is watching TV.

With regards to late cooking, I recommend stacking a few emergency pizza's in the freezer so there is always a 'lazy' option for when neither feels like making the effort. Works for us. Wink

samay · 17/02/2011 10:32

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moogalicious · 17/02/2011 10:33

valhalla my dc are small Blush

GeekCool · 17/02/2011 10:34

My point is if the SAHP is happy to do it, it's not expected but yes welcome, why would it bother anybody else?

GwendolineMaryLacey · 17/02/2011 10:35

I work three days and on those days I get back late, DH makes dinner for himself (and DD if needed). If I want a meal he will include me but I'm not that keen on proper dinners (naughty me) and often prefer toast and tea when I come in. But if I want it, he'll do it.

On the two days I am at home then yes, I think it is fair to at least have a meal planned but usually it will be more or less ready when he comes in. He loves his dinners and looks forward to them.

At the weekend it's sharesy sharesy. Whoever can be arsed cooks.

It's so funny, all the melodramatic cries of 1950's housewife. What exactly are you all frightened of?