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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wish my Husband were back in this country?

61 replies

fleurlovesroses · 15/02/2011 23:07

My Husband has been working in northern Europe for two years now. It was the best career move for him and the whole family was going to move out there at first but "life" meant that did not happen back then and the current situation with our Daughter means she and I cannot go over there permanently at the moment. Therefore we are now having to maintain two homes and it is getting hard even though my own career is back on track. Am I being unreasonable to even think of asking my Husband to find a job back in England? He probably won't or perhaps even can't due to his contract but I feel unable to even suggest it to him. Everything else in the marriage is good considering the distance we're apart for a little over three weeks every month so I don't know why I feel awkward about broaching the subject with him, I just do.

Am I being unreasonable for wanting him back here or am I being unreasonable for not letting him know how I feel? Sometimes it's as though I don't have an Husband.

OP posts:
Viking75 · 15/02/2011 23:12

my goodness yanbu..i find it a bit strange how you can't say how you feel. Surley he must hate being away from you all too, so it is how he feels too?

Viking75 · 15/02/2011 23:14

money + career -v- never seeing wife/children..sometimes you have to ask IS it actually worth it?

magicmummy1 · 15/02/2011 23:15

YANBU to want him back here - it doesn't sound like you are expecting it. Don't really understand though why you can't talk to him about it. Confused

LaWeaselMys · 15/02/2011 23:17

Oh wow, I know a friend whose father did this, but mum wasn't working and kids were older so was able to visit more flexibly.

At the very least yes you should tell him that you are unhappy. Neither of you can do anything about it if he doesn't know.

GnomeDePlume · 15/02/2011 23:17

Fleur - in my opinion you should start to talk with your husband about this. If you dont then he wont know how you feel. Resentment builds and it has a habit of bursting out which wouldnt then be fair for your husband to be landed with a pile of resentment when he thought you were happy.

You could start by asking him how long the current contract has to go and suggesting that you discuss what is best for everyone at the next contract break. This is having a huge impact on you all as a family and therefore it only makes sense to discuss it as a family.

I lived and worked abroad for 5 years. During that time I had many colleagues who were weekly or fortnightly commuters. I'm afraid that the majority eventually gave up the commuting life to save their relationships or ended up parting. Some people cn live with a long distance relationship but many cant.

Start talking would be my advice. Now, before anger starts.

troisgarcons · 15/02/2011 23:25

I knew "Fleur" once .... who played in other forums and faked her own death ..... not that I would cast an aspertion ... but her husband worked abroad too .... by chance do you have one daughter you cant possibly tear away from her UK school?

Oh and did you get your tits out at forum meet?

stoppingat2 · 15/02/2011 23:26

could think of nothing worse having that sort of ''lifestyle'' I feel for you

stoppingat2 · 15/02/2011 23:28

trios - what the hell!?

magicmummy1 · 15/02/2011 23:31
Confused
tallulahxhunny · 16/02/2011 07:36

hmmm

elizadoestoomuch · 16/02/2011 07:43

eh? Shock

plasticgeordieman · 16/02/2011 11:11

OMG....a resurrection!!!!!!

difficultcow · 16/02/2011 11:17

omg, she's alive again!!!

BeerTricksPotter · 16/02/2011 11:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 16/02/2011 11:38

Watching and waiting.
I did smirk properly at beertricks comment.

scaryteacher · 16/02/2011 11:40

It's perfectly doable Fleur - we did it for 2 years and many do it for far longer. If your daughter is not at GCSE or A level stage then move her if there is a good international school, or see if the company will contribute to boarding fees. There are also good state boarding schools around.

Many of us who are married to people in the Forces cope with this, as do many whose partners are in the private sector. My dh used to go off for two months at a time and no contact at all. When he was abroad and I was in UK, we saw him every six weeks. However, we spoke daily and emailed lots.

Count your blessings - he has a job, as do you. Yes, it's a strain undoubtedly, but the alternative of him being unemployed and you being the main wage earner would presumably be worse?

mancfaith · 16/02/2011 11:56

sounds like a perfect marriage to me ... I could quite happily live in another country to my hubby !! But I think you both must have very good jobs to afford to run 2 houses :-0 Funny how some people put their careers before their children. I understand when needs must but if you are both working then ??? How does that work ?

kreecherlivesupstairs · 16/02/2011 11:57

Manc, its not that uncommon. Me and DH will be living apart for a year. DD and I are returning to the UK. He will be a weekend visitor.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 16/02/2011 11:58

What I wanted to add, is that not everyone is putting their career before their children.
It is the polar opposite in our case.

Leverkusen · 16/02/2011 12:00

Kreecher I am currently doing the same. See my DP every 4 weeks, I am living abroad for a year. Only 3 months left!Grin

plasticgeordieman · 16/02/2011 12:01

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Nothing but death
Could keep me from you ;)

SarahStrattonHasNiceFuckers · 16/02/2011 12:11

V bizarre thread.

difficultcow · 16/02/2011 12:20

if only they knew!!

MmeLindt · 16/02/2011 12:22
mancfaith · 16/02/2011 12:23

but how do you manage financially ? I couldn't afford to run a house on my own with 3 little ones and my oh run a house ? I totally get it if the company are paying for accomodation or your partner is in the armed forces. But other than that why ? and how ? Don't see the point in being married....