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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that being "likeable" is the greatest asset a person can have?

133 replies

StuckinTheMiddlewithYou · 15/02/2011 21:21

I think that having the ability to make people like you, will do you far more good in life than intelligence or good looks.

Unreasonable?

OP posts:
notnowbernard · 15/02/2011 21:53

Stuckinthemiddle - I was answering to Oopsadaisy re the psychopath stuff. But LOL at all likeable people being anti-social psycho types Grin

I do think if you are generally alright about yourself - that your personality is intact and your self-esteem is ok - then that makes you an attractive person to get to know, which in turn may make you a likeable type

Self-awareness important in this also - thatyou can acknowledge your faults an d weaknesses and insecurities (ie you're not a cocky sort)

notnowbernard · 15/02/2011 21:53

I might be overthinking this Blush

OliveMalay · 15/02/2011 21:55

YABU. No-one is liked by everyone so there is no universal definition of "likeable".

Some people are liked by many others because they have popular things in common.

Others who are just as nice may be overlooked because they don't have as many similarities to as many others.

ohnoshedittant · 15/02/2011 22:09

I don't think 'likeable' means you are liked by everyone, but by a lot of people. There is benefit to being liked by a lot of people. Therefore it's not unreasonable to think it is a great asset to have.

Portofino · 15/02/2011 22:20

YANBU, though in my experience, it is empathy and being able to talk to people that does it. It's not about being a doormat, or being lovely. It's being able to "judge your audience" - my that sounds clinical - and adjust your behaviour and conversation accordingly.

My DH - in social situations - does this fantastically. He can be funny, sympathetic, professional, tough etc etc. Everyone seems to think he is wonderful, or at least has a good story....

It is a successful strategy, but it is also false to a degree. I know him better than anyone probably, and he is own worst critic, and can be a right arse on occasion.

OliveMalay · 15/02/2011 22:21

It depends whether you're bothered about the opinion of the majority or not. As long as you find likeminded people to work with and socialise with, why should it matter whether you're "likeable" to everyone else?

Likeability can often be a bit too much like the mediocrity of some forms of entertainment. Popular - yes, "likeable" to a lot of people - yes, fake smiles that fool people - often, truly interesting or substantial - not necessarily.

A1980 · 15/02/2011 22:22

What do you mean by likeable? To whom? Not everyone likes the same kind of personality or people. How can anyone be generally liekable to everyone as the likeability (even a word?) depends on the person doing the liking.

Confused
A1980 · 15/02/2011 22:23

PS I am who I am and I don't give a flying fuck who likes me or not.

YABU

PoweredbyTea · 15/02/2011 22:25

Agree that it's a good asset but it's an impossible aim to strive for because it's subjective. Nobody is liked by absolutely everybody. This is a sore point with me at the moment because I strongly suspect my (relatively new) boss does not like me but it's a personality clash thing - there is absolutely nothing I can do about it without changing myself or being fake and I'm not going to do that.

youngjoly · 15/02/2011 23:19

YABU
I'm not keen on likeable people - they just seem to agree with whatever anyone says and I just want to shake them and say 'have an opinion you wet fart'. In fact I don't tend to like these people at all. Grin

I much prefer people with character, a bit of something about them - even if that means they are not always that popular - at least they're interesting!

hairylights · 15/02/2011 23:24

Second best piece of advice I ever got . You can't be liked by everyone so stop wastimg time trying and start believing in yourself.

rodformyownback · 15/02/2011 23:31

YABU. But then like youngjoly I don't go for the most likeable folk. Don't get me wrong, they're good to have around, just not so interesting as more tricky characters iyswim.

"likeable" is not the most important thing. Tony Blair was likeable, and look what happened to him.

MardyBra · 15/02/2011 23:37

I'm in the opposite situation to Horton.

My DH isn't a people person - he manages a large team of people but only knows his few direct reports by name. I think that's dreadful but he thinks it's OK. But he is very intelligent, has fantastic strategic skills and so he has a successful team and a high ranking job. He is liked by many people (who "get him") and doesn't give a stuff about every else (I suspect a lot of his work colleagues think he is a complete bastard).

I've got more people skills (although I've still got a mardy edge of course) - and that means we function quite well as a team in social situations. I'm less successful career-wise as I took a back seat to be the main kid-carer. But he would have always been more successful in life anyway.

donkeyderby · 15/02/2011 23:40

hairylights what was the first best piece of advice you ever got?

ohnoshedittant · 15/02/2011 23:57

'why should it matter whether you're "likeable" to everyone else?'

because there is benefit to it. I'm sure there is research on this and the correlation between 'likeability' and success. I know research into jury decision making has found a link between attractiveness of the defendant and the jury's decisison and I believe 'likeability' was also found to be an influential factor.

'Tony Blair was likeable, and look what happened to him'

he won three consecutive general elections and now earns a fortune as a public speaker. Successful, no?

I think some people are just naturally more likeable than others. I don't think it's something you can really 'try' at. You just have it or you don't.

lospolloshermanos · 16/02/2011 00:02

People have different perceptions of likeable it seems.

to me it means a respectful person who is polite to all, (within reason) and excepts others/values/ways and expects others to the same without shoving it down their thought, basically someone who doesn't really offend anybody and just goes through life doing there own thing, but lso considering others IYKWIM I am similar to this.

However people pleaser, (been there before) is not good, earns no respect and people take advantage.

OliveMalay · 16/02/2011 00:06

What about "likeable" people who are popular only because they are good at convincing people they are nice, when actually they are not?

Or people who are "popular" for being part of the in-crowd so obviously a lot of people must like them, but they are not any "nicer" than those not in their circle, they just know how to be in a clique?

scottishmummy · 16/02/2011 00:10

likeable is a subjective quality,means nothing.not universal.bit daft to see it as enduring or coveted quality

brains any time
rather than simepring likeable

brains pays mortgage
gushing wont

rodformyownback · 16/02/2011 00:23

Tony Blair lost his moral anchor. He got bored of trying to get the british public to like him and moved on to enjoying being liked by bush and his cronies. he ended up starting an unjust war that killed many thousands of people. he knows he fucked up. he may appear successful but underneath his permatan he is a broken man.
what i'm trying to say is that being liked is no substitute for a sound moral code.

Tryharder · 16/02/2011 00:24

I agree wholeheartedly. And to me the adjective "likeable" doesn't mean a simpering people pleaser. I think being likeable is one of the things that can't really be learned. Some people just are and others are not. If non likeable people try to be likeable, it just comes across as a bit false.

But if 2 people go for a job, you can bet that the most likeable person would get it even if that person's qualifications and experience were fewer than the other person's.

redpanda13 · 16/02/2011 02:15

My brother seems to be someone who people find 'likeable'. He really does not care what people think about him. One man's likeable is my sociopath Grin.
I have always been a bit more difficult. Not such a people person. I have a good degree from a good university. Brother got expelled for smoking hash in school and did'nt bother with qualifications. He is in a more professional line of work and outearns me by at least £20000 pa. Oh and he did'nt find a job until he was 21. Was a professional clubber and gave out flyers for nightclubs, flyposted etc before that Envy

Mammie81 · 16/02/2011 03:55

As soon as someone says 'you'd love my friend xxx, everyone likes her', i think ew what an insipid person xxx must be. Its the shady type of person I like. More rewarding in the long run!

Rollmops · 16/02/2011 08:29

No-one can -make- themselves 'likeable' for extended period, desperation will seep through and that's utterly off-putting.

People with natural charisma, on the other hand, often go far in life indeed.

However, charisma is something that you can not learn/muster up, regardless how hard you try.
You either have it... or you don't.

Hullygully · 16/02/2011 08:33

It is definitely an asset, as are brains, good looks etc

wordfactory · 16/02/2011 08:34

Likebale is fine, personable is better, pursuasive better still.

That said, there are times when you just have to do stuff that no one will like in order to be true to yourself and/or be successful.
Some people can't do this for fear of a drop in their personality rating.