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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel sad for these kids?

140 replies

EvilTwins · 13/02/2011 17:50

I'm a drama teacher, and am about to put on this year's school play. We've got 35 kids involved, and they have been working their socks off - we've even been in school today. Without exception, they are having a great time, and are putting an incredible effort in. However, over the last week or so, I have had to realise how many of them get absolutely no support from home with stuff like this - parents not willing to drop their kids at school for the evening performances because they "don't want to have to hang around and wait for them", parents who aren't going to come and watch their children perform, and aren't giving them any praise or encouragement at home. It upsets them, and I think it's really sad. I went to pick up 4 girls from home this morning - one mother doesn't drive (no problem with that), but the others had to "go out" so it was a case of me picking them up, or them not being able to come. I don't mind doing the lifts - I just think it's a shame that their parents are so disinterested in something their DCs are a) enthusiastic about, b) really good at, and c) working really hard on.

OP posts:

theluckiest · 13/02/2011 19:54

I'm with GoodKate here, OP. Sounds like you are a very conscientious, hard-working teacher and hats off to you.

I met my DH in a play (many, many moons ago) when I was 16. My parents were always incredibly supportive, ferried me about, came to shows(however much my Dad grumbled about it!)and eventually, I became a professional actress. My Dh had completely the other end of the spectrum. His parents didn't give a monkeys and NEVER saw him in anything. They genuinely didn't think it was important and that it was much of a deal to DH. It was and it is heartbreaking that they couldn't be arsed to come to one single performance he did. He never had the confidence to take it any further (and he was really, really good)

Having said that, I work full-time and struggle to get to all the extra things my kids do but I do agree that there are parents out there who don't even try and it is sad.

I do think you might be making a rod for your own back though with the lifts! Make sure the kids don't expect you to chaffeur them all the time in future

Good luck with the show!

AnnieLobeseder · 13/02/2011 20:00

I guess I just find it hard to believe that there are really parents out there who just don't care to that extent. My parents showed minimal interest in me but at least they took me to rehearsals and watched my plays.

So I think, just to keep my world view nicer, that I prefer to believe that the OP is misunderstanding the parents' level of interest.

muddyangels123 · 13/02/2011 20:03

YANBU

I don't drive & OH works away so i'm very grateful to my DS2s cadet leader who picks him and another boy up twice a week. My son would not beable to attend cadets if it wasn't for people like you that give up their time and enthusiasm.
As a parent that doesn't drive, i do find sometimes that if there is something going on at school in the evening with no buses & being 6 miles away is a nightmare. I usually end up either going by taxi or missing it.

JoBettany · 13/02/2011 20:05

OP YANBU at all.

This thread was hilarious! I thought some posters were going to combust they were so pissed off. Great value.

Goldenbear · 13/02/2011 20:12

Eviltwins, having read the whole thread I totally agree with you. What is 'odd' AnnieLobeseder about not understanding why a parent can't show some interest in their child being in a one-off, annual performance, especially if the child is very enthusiastic about their appearance in the production. Surely, as a parent, something that is a great and positive source of happiness for your child is not an 'inconvenience'?

deste · 13/02/2011 20:36

My DD is involved in drama and I regularly travelled from one end of the country to watch her perform. It was expensive but I loved watching her. I also help out at a drama group during their annual shows and children will tell you their parents are not coming in because they saw the last one. Its the same with parent helpers. Its always the same ones who help and usually their children are no longer involved.

MCos · 13/02/2011 20:37

I have witnessed same first hand, both in my own hobbies when I was younger, and now in the hobbies of my kids. I believe it happens to an extent in all children activities, and even school. Sad, isn't it.

For those of you giving OP a hard time on this thread, do you really not agree that there are unsupportive parents out there, and that is it tough on their kids?

OP - you sound lovely. I bet your drama kids love you to bits. And your support must be extra special to those kids who don't get the support at home. Good luck with the show.

activate · 13/02/2011 20:50

between my 4 kids there are 15 different activities - 15!

yes I agree it is sad that we have kids whose parents don't make their drama shows - disinterest is horrific.

it is a long continuum from there to abuse and neglect - I feel really sad for those kids.

Loshad · 13/02/2011 20:52

Eviltwins - good luck with the show, well done on you for giving up your weekends - and complete at those posters who don't accpet that it is sad that some parents are totally uninterested in their kids

singingsoprano · 13/02/2011 20:59

EvilTwins It's a shame that so many people have missed your point, and it's equally sad that some poster's think the children are over-exaggerating. My youngest dd (as were my older 2) is involved in lots of extra-curricular activities, and there is evidence that some parents really are uninterested in what their children do, and particularly if it may inconvinience them.I see it as a Chaperone and Guide helper frequentlty. Hope they 'break a leg' and well done to you all.

Original poster

EvilTwins · 13/02/2011 22:24

Thanks for all the luck and "break a leg"s.I'm quite sure they'll do brilliantly, and I will be as pleased and proud of them as I possibly can be. And I'll make sure I tell them. Often.

OP posts:

MCos · 13/02/2011 22:44

so activate, are you interested in any of the 15 hobbies, or just not drama?

MCos · 13/02/2011 23:16

I work behind the scenes at my kids dance show. The kids involved are 6-12 age group. They are so excited to have their parents and other relatives attend the show. They are bubbling over to tell me who they have out in the audience. It means so much to them, and makes them so proud.

I know it must be hard for some parents to make time to support all the activities, especially where there are several kids and multiple hobbies. But it really does mean something to the children to have parents at least watch their performance.

TheNoodlesIncident · 13/02/2011 23:35

To those who find it hard to believe that parents are not remotely supportive of their children:

My mother never said anything to me when I was doing my O level and Higher exams. Not "Good luck" or "Hope it goes well!" or even "How did it go?" I'm not sure she even remembered I was doing any exams. This is indicative of the general attitude towards how my life was going.

I still feel a worthless human being.

So yes, it is very sad. Not all teenagers make up a parent's lack of interest in their lives.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/02/2011 00:50

EvilTwins... I agree with you, it is sad. I think that there is a direct link between uninterested parents and disaffected children.

Shows and drama productions at school used to be really enjoyable - for participating pupils, teachers and parents and siblings, etc. It all seems to have gone by the wayside.

It's important for children to feel that their parents are proud of them when they actually do something worthwhile and I think that disappointments from childhood are remembered long into adulthood.

I wish there were more teachers like you, OP. :)

GotArt · 14/02/2011 01:00

You're dealing with teenagers... they are inherently self centered and are likely exaggerating their parents apparent lack luster interest. And yes... why are you picking up teenagers... they should be capable of taking public transit.

Stac2011 · 14/02/2011 01:45

YANBU - my ds is 11 and involved in various activities I also have a 7month dd so it can be hard to go to everything but I always try to encourage him in everything he does. As you say it doesnt take 5mins to ask how things are going or wish them luck. I also understand you are not getting at families who have other things on etc but the ones who basically dont give a shit or dont show that interest. I also think its unfair of people assuming all teenagers are exagerating. Enjoy your performance and keep doing what you do

nooka · 14/02/2011 02:17

My parents had the rule that if we wanted to do any activity we had to get there ourselves. There are four of us and we lived in a city with lots of public transport and all had bikes too. I expect that there were teachers/helpers etc who weren't happy about my parents approach, and I am sure that there were things we missed out on, but it wasn't because they were uninterested, they just thought that independence was important and didn't want us to commit them to things that just weren't possible.

Having said that, hats off to EvilTwins, my mother used to run school productions and it is a big commitment. It's sad if parents aren't supporting their children, but drama may just not be important to those parents - they may feel they did their stuff in infant school. Plus of course some parents do genuinely not care very much about what their children do so long as they aren't in trouble.

onceamai · 14/02/2011 04:51

Don't understand all the negative comments. Of course it's sad when parents aren't interested in what their children are doing. My dd would be devastated if she had a part in a school play and I didn't go to watch her.

KristinaM · 14/02/2011 05:30

Yes the op is doing a good thing working with the pupils to put on a show. She sounds like a very caring and hardworking teacher

Yes there are some parents who don't care much about their kids

But you are wrong to assume that the parents who can't drop their children at your school on a sunady morning are doing it because they don't care. As others have pointed out, they might be atwork, looking after other children, caring for an elderly relative. If you live in a rural area you should know that .

And you are wrong to assume that everything a child or teenager says is factually accurate. " my parents don't care" can also mean " I hate my parents because they won't buy me a new iPod/trainners and let me stay out all night clubbing" and " I am the only one is the class who has to pick up their own clothes /tidy their room / do their homework"

cory · 14/02/2011 08:26

I think it is awful if some parents don't care at all about their children's performance. But tbh I would not believe it on the say-so of a Yr 7 child. Remembering what my own dd has said to me on occasion.

tbh I wouldn't even take my own word for it: when I am very stressed I can sound far more cavalier and uncaring talking to other parents than I really am. So much easier to suggest that you are about to swan off and live the life of riley than to admit that you are about to crawl home and sob into a cup of tea because life with said teenager is wearing you down.

(disclaimer: dd is very nice, really; it's just hard work due to circumstances beyond her control)

activate · 14/02/2011 13:39

"MCos Sun 13-Feb-11 22:44:42
so activate, are you interested in any of the 15 hobbies, or just not drama?"

Who said I'm not interested in drama? This isn't about me.

I find it rather judgemental of a teacher to do a blanket these parents can't be bothered because they can't fetch and carry or guarantee to be there for the show. I would find it difficult to be available at times.

I do find it sad that parents can't care to support their children at all events. But I don't find it surprising, I work with children way beyond this continuum whose stories would make you weep.

activate · 14/02/2011 13:41

The comments I have put are

Don't expect parents to work to your timetable

Don't judge them if they are not there / not able to fetch and carry

Don't believe a teenagers word

And a secondary age student does not need fetching and carrying to daytime rehearsals.

KnittedBreast · 14/02/2011 13:43

always prefer to have a few lines of coke than attending a boring childs play. lol

not really but you dont know the parents lives, maybe they have to work or are too tired.

PaisleyLeaf · 14/02/2011 14:13

Maybe they'll surprise you and actually come and see the performance and applaud at the end.
That'll perhaps be when they show their support and that they are proud of their children.

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