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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel sad for these kids?

140 replies

EvilTwins · 13/02/2011 17:50

I'm a drama teacher, and am about to put on this year's school play. We've got 35 kids involved, and they have been working their socks off - we've even been in school today. Without exception, they are having a great time, and are putting an incredible effort in. However, over the last week or so, I have had to realise how many of them get absolutely no support from home with stuff like this - parents not willing to drop their kids at school for the evening performances because they "don't want to have to hang around and wait for them", parents who aren't going to come and watch their children perform, and aren't giving them any praise or encouragement at home. It upsets them, and I think it's really sad. I went to pick up 4 girls from home this morning - one mother doesn't drive (no problem with that), but the others had to "go out" so it was a case of me picking them up, or them not being able to come. I don't mind doing the lifts - I just think it's a shame that their parents are so disinterested in something their DCs are a) enthusiastic about, b) really good at, and c) working really hard on.

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 13/02/2011 18:48

No, sorry, it was for Hulababy.

I was polite to EvilTwins- as a clearly intelligent woman who works with expression and communication, I assume she won't mind something she might not have known being pointed out. I like finding things out.

goodkate · 13/02/2011 18:48

Evil Twins I feel very sorry for you with some of the plainly ignorant replies on this thread!

Here you are trying to put on a wonderful performance, helping kids to recognise their abilities and then get slammed for it! They should be ashamed.

There is no wonder that we are slipping down the world leaque table in education with attitudes like that.

Maybe it might be worth finding one or two parents who are willing to help out, restore your faith in the human race!

Good luck with your perfomance - you are doing wonderful work - my daughter loved her drama teacher - I am sure the children will love it in spite of their parents!

Memoo · 13/02/2011 18:50

And as a former TA in a primary school I can well believe that some parents just can't be arsed to drop their kids off. I have seen it far too many times.

Activate I think you are taking this far too personally.

BitOfFun · 13/02/2011 18:51

In what way are replies from a different perspective 'ignorant', goodkate?

Deaddei · 13/02/2011 18:52

It is sad that there are some parents who just don't give a stuff.

activate · 13/02/2011 18:53

Why was it harsh?

That was how I perceived your OP and that was why I responded in the way I did - am I not allowed to take offence

Yes when you post an actual conversation with a particular parent that is actually sad (although IME not particularly unusual within some communities I work with)

Original poster

EvilTwins · 13/02/2011 18:56

Bof - I did find that quite interesting actually. I too, like finding things out.

OP posts:

goodkate · 13/02/2011 18:56

I am appalled at the lack of support for this teacher - she is clearly trying to do a very good thing for her pupils - that is obvious from her initial thread. Hence my reason for saying that some of the responses are ignorant i.e. failing to see that she only wants parents to recognise their childrens achievements which the vast majority of children want from their parents.

NinkyNonker · 13/02/2011 18:58

Yanbu.

MsKLo · 13/02/2011 18:59

I find the odd nasty replies on here very weird too! The op is trying to help so why are some here giving her so much stick!

BitOfFun · 13/02/2011 19:03

Goodkate- as EvilTwins elaborated, people were more prepared to acknowledge that unsupportive parents are demoralising. But it is not unreasonable to first point out that lack of attendance and lift-giving etc. often reflects other commitments rather than a refusal to engage with your child's interests.

TheProvincialLady · 13/02/2011 19:11

Another example of the MN mentality that the OP must be wrong/judgemental, and scrabbling to find as many reasons as possible why the parents would be totally in the right. Don't believe the OP or the children she teaches - make up stuff and beat her around the head with it.

TheProvincialLady · 13/02/2011 19:13

But yes, no doubt some of the parents have pressing commitments work etc.

Tical · 13/02/2011 19:17

If parents don't give a toss, that is 'sad'.

Bu many parents are juggling multiple commitments (work, other children etc) and, unless you are a stay at home parent of one, it is impossible to be involved in - and hugely enthusiastic about - everything your child does. My DS has swimming, football and two different music classes per week. My DD is only little, but soon she will have her own extra curricular activities and friends. I work full-time, I study - I am not bloody super human. I might not be able to make every show my children appear in or match they play or whatever. I hope that doesn't make me 'sad'.

Ripeberry · 13/02/2011 19:20

Maybe it's because in this country we have the most overworked parents and in the evenings and weekends they feel that it's THEIR time.

bulby · 13/02/2011 19:20

Activate would you be concerned about a single teacher transporting your kids in the school mini bus?

goodkate · 13/02/2011 19:22

You are absolutely not sad Tical - I think most women on MN work and we all have very busy lives - even I can't attend everything!

I'm just absolutely gobsmacked at the way EvilTwins is being attacked for trying to do such a good thing - she must have been really bad in a previous life.

Hatesponge · 13/02/2011 19:28

ATEOTD, we don't know the precise reasons WHY the parents concerned are not taking their children to rehearsals/attending performances, or really why the children of those parents feel their parents are not supporting/encouraging them.

There are many valid reasons why parents may not be available on a Sunday morning to take children to rehearsals - family commitments, classes/sporting matches for other (younger perhaps) children, groups that they run which other children will be expecting to attend, work, church, etc. The parents may also not have a car.

It's the same thing for evening performances. I don't get home til 6.30 at the absolute earliest, if my child was in this play whilst I would make it to a performance, theres no way I'd be able to get home, and get back to the school by 6pm. I think most people in FT employment would be in a similar position!

I don't wish to be unfair to the OP, but I wonder whether, if there is a sort of expectation among the teaching staff children will be taxi-ied by their parents to these rehearsals(as opposed to going under their own steam), you're actually fostering a sense of expectation in these children. Who then, because their parents can't do all the to-ing and fro-ing, feel unsupported/that said parents don't care.....

I did lots of drama productions at school. My dad worked 7 days a week, using our only car. If I had to go in at weekends, or during the week before 6.30/7pm, I had to make my own way. We all did. I don't remember anyone thinking their parents didn't care. But our school would not have expected our parents to be taxi-ing us around.

Original poster

EvilTwins · 13/02/2011 19:34

Lots of people are missing my point. I did not start this thread to moan about parents who didn't want to bring their kids to school on a Sunday. FWIW, we are a rural school, and many kids did walk or get the bus if they were able to. I have already said that I totally understand that parents work (I do) and that they may have other commitments. What I find sad about this situation is those children who feel that their parents aren't interested. The girl whose father I spoke to, who told me himself that I had better pick his daughter up as he is yet to decide "what he's doing " (not which shift he's working, or whether there is someone to watch the toddler).

It's not hard to say "how was the rehearsal?", "I'm really proud of you", "I wouldn't have had the courage to do that when I was your age" or "why don't you tell me about what you're doing in the show?" is it? That's what some of the kids are missing, and that's sad.

OP posts:

reelingintheyears · 13/02/2011 19:34

DS2 was in a school drama production last year....
He loved it and i dropped him and his mates off every night for rehearsals/ performances,and picked them up.

They went in after school and at weekends to practice/rehearse.

The teachers also went in at weekends.
They didn't have to.

And i don't expect they got overtime for it.

AnnieLobeseder · 13/02/2011 19:37

You feel sorry for these children because they aren't the centre of their parents' universe? How odd. Did you consider the parents may have had other plans before you imposed the inconvenience of extra unscheduled rehearsals on them? That they might have other children with other commitments?

Original poster

EvilTwins · 13/02/2011 19:39

"extra unscheduled rehearsals" Where do you get the idea that this was extra or unscheduled? If you read the whole thread, you will see that this was a one-off and that the students and their parents have known about it since before Christmas.

Our school production is a once-a-year thing. It's a huge deal for the kids in it. The equivalent of your Sunday League football team making the final. Surely that's important enough to be encouraging?

OP posts:

thefirstMrsDeVere · 13/02/2011 19:46

A couple of thoughts.

We are talking about teenagers here arent we. You do realise that most teenagers jump at the chance of looking like an unloved victim of evil parents dont you?

That a lot of them would say just about anything if they thought someone was going to feel sorry for them.

Also people DO care but they dont have the time and their children may translate this into 'no body loves me or cares what I do'

Also teenagers may reply to 'what are you up to at drama club darling ' with 'NOTHING! GOD AH, you are always aksin me questions!'

I am very intersted in my 17 year old's activities but I havent had much of a clue what he has been up to for about 3 years. He also tells me 'oh yeah I am starring in a show tonight, can you come?'

I have 3 small children , one foster DD and my OH works evenings so the answer is almost always 'why the bloody hell didnt you tell me sooner!!!' and I cant go.

There is always the other reason - however much people love their kids they dont like kids' shows and are bored rigid by them. This is very naughty but true.

AnnieLobeseder · 13/02/2011 19:46

Ooops, started that post hours ago and see the thread has moved on.

It's difficult to judge whether it's parents who don't care or parents who just genuinely have too much on their plates. For example, that dad you spoke to might well have been a shift worker who doesn't know if he has to work that night or not.

But, I do admire you for your commitment to your play and your students. You sound like a very good and caring teacher. You may just need to consider, though, that while the play may currently be the centre of your and the kids' worlds, the parents have so many other things demanding their attention that they're bound to have a lower level of enthusiasm.

goodkate · 13/02/2011 19:53

Please don't get upset ET by the comments- you don't deserve or need it.

Those that are attacking you are missing the point and may feel guilty that they are not able to attend their childs plays/events/matches - I know I do when I miss mine because it is unavoidable because of work etc.

I know exactly what you are saying and those who are attacking you are ignorant of your main point which is that some parents don't care and you are completely right to say that some parents don't (I know who they are at my kids school).

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