aibu to think that the MIL is wrong to call me extravagant

[onceamai]

Every time she comes there's a comment about what I'm wearing, how much it cost and a little dig about extravagance. I think I'm quite frugal and buy what I need - bear in mind I have to look decent for work; my mum thinks I should spend a lot more on myself.

We are very comfortable, the dc are 12 and 16, no mortgage and I work full time. In the last 12 months I have spent:

Hair - 400 (3 cut and blow dry, 3 half head highlights)

Make-up - probably about 70.00

Clothes: Per Una outfit 75, Per Una suit 75, 3 per una blouses - 90, 2 per Una tops - 50, East dress - 79, M&S cardigan 25, Kew linen coat 99, M&S skirt - 39.50, Next blouse - 32, Boden top - 59, Van Dal shoes 79, Joseph Sieber comfy sandals 55, Clarks ballet pumps, John Lewis ankle boots 70, Evening shoes 115, outfit from Phase 8 for evenings special occasions - 175, Radly handbag - 120, smart black holdall Oliver Bonas 39. Probably another 100 on underwear and tights.

feck

I have no mortgage, earn over £45 K just for me and buy my clothes at tesco

It is none of your MIL's business unless she's supplying the money.
She, like my MIL, obviously thinks she can say what she likes to you. I imagine she wouldn't take it very well if you spoke to her like that.

When she asks how much it was - you don't TELL her, do you?

That's your mistake right there.

The correct response is "It is really none of your business how much it cost me."

or, if you are in a moooooood "Unless you are planning to write me a cheque for it, I'm not going to tell you!"

I don't think the OP is bragging. If she was she would not have mentioned Per Una.

Per Una is shit.

I don't think the amount you spend is extravagant - I spend more than that on my hair and I still look like a troll.

If my MIL said I was extravagant it would encourage me to say I spent ten times what I actually did spend.

What's it got to do with her? You earn your money. Perhaps she has got some old fashioned idea that you are spending her son's money.

Your spending is not frugal by the way. Compared to many it is actually extravagant. Nowt wrong with that! You work, so enjoy spending your money on what are essentially fripperies. I do.

"is that new?"

"no"

End of conversation.

Or just ignore & change the subject.

I wonder why you engage with her tbh.

Sounds as if she may do it to feel superior.

Yes, OP you just need to find a way to opt out of the game. Its a game, these conversations. She enjoys them, which is why she does them each time. Channel your annoyance into finding a way not to have them. It takes two to have a conversation.

Just dont feed her need.

I think people have been incredibly rude about your choice of clothing. There is nothing wrong with Per Una if it fits in with your individual style and flatters your size and shape. What might look flouncy and horrible on one person can look feminine and elegant on another. We dont know what you look like and "how" you wear it. Its grossly unfair. I also feel that most clothing "collections" will have good and bad pieces, and you have to wade through a few dogey bits to find the good stuff. Very few clothing collections will have nothing of any merit whatsoever.

If we saw the OP we might be amazed at how well she makes Per Una look and how well she wears it.

And I dont believe she was boasting. She was giving enough background so that people didn't waste time saying "well, is it all on credit? Do you work? What are your outgoings" etc. If she namechanged people would have wondered why. You can't win!

OP, YANBU in any way, shape or form and I am on your behalf.

Agree with tatty about the clothes comments. I would buy something from per una if it was nice, why not!?
Also, I bet people who don't keep track of what they spend, spend more than they think in a year.

Lol at

Add message | Report | Message poster  DuplicitousBitch Sun 13-Feb-11 09:44:48

per una, east, kew - that is a fashion axis of evil

I don't think you can describe yourself as frugal. But as long as you aren't getting into debt, it is no-one else's business. Perhaps she is jealous of your nice clothes and haircut?

I don't think what you spend is anyone else's business tbh. If you work hard and you can afford it good on you for buying nice things. As long as your DH and DC's aren't going without what's the problem?

FWIW I only spend a fraction of what you spend on myself, but that's because I'm a sahm and can't afford to. If I earned enough to justify spending that much on myself I wouldn't think twice about it.

What does your DH think about her implying you're extravagant?

£400 on hair is alot of money. I get the same thing done for about £70. I go to model days. However, if you can afford it why not. as others have said its nobody elses business.

I do not think you are extravagant. You need clothing for work. It sounds like a a sensible mix and match wardrobe.
You can wear a suit and skirt with different tops and get a lot of use out of them. Exactly what is recommended for a working wardrobe.
You have a suit with several blouses to wear with it, a dress, a skirt, various tops and a cardigan to wear with skirt,a coat, some shoes, a handbag and a going out outfit.

100 on underwear... well, bras are expensive, and I admit, without counting it, that do I spend more than that on underwear.
Reasonable price for hair dressers/highlights. It isn't like anyone is going without.

Your mil simply thinks a different way, don't let it get to you.
Different strokes for different folks.

I have a management job and wouldn't dream of spending the amount the OP spends, so I don't think the OP needs it. But if she can afford it, then its nothing to do with the MIL.

OP, I work in a suity job and spend far more than you on work clothes, balanced by £8 haircuts. Everyone's different. I don't think you are particularly extravagant, and as many others have said, since you can easily afford what you do spend, it would't matter if you were.

Your MIL is being catty and unkind, and your DH should tell her so, as gently as he can. Please don't tell her what things cost anymore. If she asks, you could just say 'I'm sorry, I just don't want to have another of those conversations where you tell me off like teenager for spending my own money.'

The idea of a professional hard-working 50 year old being spoken to like this makes m quite cross. I mean, would your mother ever treat your DH like this? I'm betting the answer's no.

C'mon woman - you're 50! I pretty well manage to ignore my MIL's irritating comments now - by the time I'm 50 I doubt I'll even really hear them!

Repeat - 'I am successful women in prime of life. I do not care what my MIL thinks of my sepending.'

I would just smile vaguely, misunderstand, and say 'oh thank you, yes, its nice isn't it? '.

You in same boat as me, no mortgage although I am a SAHM but have my own money too iykwim!
I wouldn't have a clue how much I spent on clothes/hair. I think I need to treat myself after seeing your list! I don't tend to treat myself too often. Buying anything over 100£ would be a treat for me, doesn't happen too often.
You right to treat yourself. no hitch on hearse!!

YANBU. That doesn't sound excessive for 12 months if you're expected to look well turned out for work.

I'm a teeny bit jealous, as I have zero bucks to spend on clothes, but for someone comfortably-off with no mortgage that sounds quite reasonable.

What you wear and what you spend your money on has precisely bugger all to do with your MIL. She'd probably either jealous or a bit old fashioned (or mad as a box of frogs like mine - can you tell you've touched a raw nerve?!)

My MIL spends £60 on her hair every 2 weeks - I cut my own (been years since I paid for a cut).

I would never dream of calling her extravagant (though I might secretly think that's a huge chunk of your pension lady :)

She thinks I'm mad and should treat myself to a massage/manicure/haircut & colour asap as it will make me feel great - actually I feel fine cheers!

YANBU at all. So long (IMO) as the outgoings arn't more than the incomings and you are saving if and when you need to then how you spend your money is up to you - you've worked for it (oh, and so long as you haven't forgotten to mention something like you spend a few thousand on face care as well and your DSs are forced into slavery and holey clothes while you're out in m&s [tongue in cheek emoticon]

I agree with alphabetty that "Unless you are spending money you don't have, and are getting in to debt, you are not being extravagant.
"

I havent had a hair cut since last may, I would never ever buy overpriced Next rubbish, John Lewis is for posh people and Radley is too old for me.

By my standards thats extravagant. However if by your standards thats not extravagant, tell your MIL to fuck off, everyone has their own limit.

I think you're quite extravagant, but if you can do it without hardship, why not?

extravagant is relative to your means.its your money your not accountable to anyone else

i work ft and exceed those figures and im not flash at all.but hey its my dosh and im not answerable,to anyone