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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to think that the MIL is wrong to call me extravagant

150 replies

onceamai · 13/02/2011 08:37

Every time she comes there's a comment about what I'm wearing, how much it cost and a little dig about extravagance. I think I'm quite frugal and buy what I need - bear in mind I have to look decent for work; my mum thinks I should spend a lot more on myself.

We are very comfortable, the dc are 12 and 16, no mortgage and I work full time. In the last 12 months I have spent:

Hair - 400 (3 cut and blow dry, 3 half head highlights)

Make-up - probably about 70.00

Clothes: Per Una outfit 75, Per Una suit 75, 3 per una blouses - 90, 2 per Una tops - 50, East dress - 79, M&S cardigan 25, Kew linen coat 99, M&S skirt - 39.50, Next blouse - 32, Boden top - 59, Van Dal shoes 79, Joseph Sieber comfy sandals 55, Clarks ballet pumps, John Lewis ankle boots 70, Evening shoes 115, outfit from Phase 8 for evenings special occasions - 175, Radly handbag - 120, smart black holdall Oliver Bonas 39. Probably another 100 on underwear and tights.

OP posts:
Kerrianne · 13/02/2011 15:24

This is a very strange thread. I really can't work out the point in it?

breathing · 13/02/2011 15:28

I get my hair done about once a year....who has time to get it done that often?

BrandyAlexander · 13/02/2011 15:28

If you're mortgage free and debt free you can spend whatever the heck you like on whatever you want! No ones business but yours and DHs! My MIL used to disapprove and go on on about me being extravagant because when we go on holiday I refuse to fly economy, always fly club and stay in expensive hotels. She hasn't said a bean about it since I responded very sweetly that I worked hard for it and could afford it so I wasn't going to deny myself that luxury. I think the subtext was that I was spending DH's money on these luxuries but if I was a SAHM it would still be our money and we would still be entitled to spend it how we please!

MommyMayhem · 13/02/2011 15:29

Per Una, M&S, Next... I can't believe someone accused you of bragging!!! Grin

CrosswordAddict · 13/02/2011 15:30

onceamai Puzzled by this thread. Your thoughts?

huddspur · 13/02/2011 15:35

Its your money so provided you can afford it, then its none of anyone elses business.

piprabbit · 13/02/2011 15:38

OP, my MIL picks over every item of clothing my DCs wear, every toy they play with, everything. The first 20 mins of talk is always her asking me 'is that a new top', 'is that a new doll'?

It's as if she think I'm being profligate. In reality she forgets having seen stuff before, or it's something the DCs have had since Xmas or their birthday but she's just not seen it before, or (in DSs case) it's actually a hand-me-down from his sister.

I feel as though I'm making excuses to her though, and dread to think what she says about me behind my back.

Ragwort · 13/02/2011 15:39

onceamai - you still haven't explained how your MIL knows how much you spend - does she ask you direct and then you tell her? Or does she say 'your hair looks nice' and you then tell her how much it cost?

Spending money is such a personal thing and I can understand why your MIL thinks it is extravagent (but that does not mean she should tell you that) some people (myself included) are just not interested in clothes and hair styles so wouldn't dream of spending that amount of money on 'appearancees'. My parents are very comfortably off and eat out about three times a week - in my view that is extravagent but as it is nothing to do with me (and they are very generous to meGrin) - I would not comment).

A friend once spent over £70 on a pair of jeans and then refused to send her daughter to Guide Camp as she 'couldn't afford' the £30 - to me that is a totally warped priorty but everyone justifies spending their money differently (sorry, waffling now Grin).

Tokyotwist · 13/02/2011 15:41

It is all very relative and pointless feeling guilty over.

I work more or less full time in a fairly well paid (average) job and do not have this much disposable income.

That's because I've a mortgage and the dreaded nursery fees each month.

If I didn't have these, I'd certainly be spending more on myself. Then again I very rarely find clothes to suit my shape which aren't upwards of £45. I just shop a lot less.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 13/02/2011 15:47

agree it is none of her business.

Stop giving her information on your spending.

Don't volunteer information and if she asks, might I suggest a raised eyebrow and a questioning "why do you want/need to know?"

breatheslowly · 13/02/2011 16:04

Does she indicate what you should be spending that money on?

Stangirl · 13/02/2011 16:15

You seem to spend a perfectly reasonable amount on clothes etc. No one else's business anyway.

I wouldn't go anywhere near those brands you mentioned though - awful. I'm in my 40s - if you are younger you should be very ashamed.

Original poster
onceamai · 13/02/2011 16:19

Just to clarify, I don't volunteer the information but everytime she comes to visit she will purse her lips and say something like "is that new" and the next question is "how much was it" usually followed by: "very expensive or very extravagant". Over the years I have got better at saying "well, it's my money so I can spend it how I like". She also thinks I'm very very privileged to have a car and that that is an extravagance - it's 10 years old!

I'm a bit surprised at the some of the responses to be honest and asked the question with no malice or offence intended.

As to keeping a note of what I spend - I just do, and I check bank statements too. These are just details that I remember along with how much I spend on the DC and on lunch, etc.

OP posts:
breatheslowly · 13/02/2011 16:23

Did she/does she work? I just wonder if there is something else that she is getting at.

Original poster
onceamai · 13/02/2011 16:32

She was a school teacher, deputy head, primary. Her parents were working class and worked really hard and did their best for their children. She is very chippy and is still deeply resentful of the fact that she couldn't go to university, etc. There are also lots of little comments about "people like your family" and on the other hand - "all my children were clever enough to go to RG uni's" - I didn't go to uni but was successful in spite of it long before I met the DH.

Oh I don't know, it just grates and I wondered whether anyone else thought it was unnecessary but I have come out of this feeling pretty pulverised.

I'm quite shocked tbh that so many of you do seem to think that I spend a lot and have flamed me for what I wear - I wasn't expecting oohs and aahs but I wasn't expecting such rudeness either.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 13/02/2011 16:42

I don't think anyone's been rude - they've teased you a bit, yes.

The thing is, that for a lot of people you do spend a lot (and I've already said I spend roughly the same as you so I'm not getting at you here). It doesn't mean that you should spend less, but you have to appreciate that £1500 odd a year is an awful lot of money for some people.

I think you worry a lot about what poeple think of you, which is perhaps why you're finding it so hard to ignore the comments that your MIL is making.

CrosswordAddict · 13/02/2011 17:00

onceamai There seems to be some kind of class war going on, if I may say so. Don't intend to pry but did mother-in-law feel that you were too successful (for her liking) before you met her son?
She seems to have her own agenda.Maybe she was used to having other people defer to her, ask her opinion,when she was working in schools?
Maybe you are just too much your own woman? IYSWIM.
By the way, all power to you for spending money on yourself. You earn it, you spend it IMHO

PurpleSuedeHotpants · 13/02/2011 18:03

I haven't bought any underwear since 2008 Blush

lospollos · 13/02/2011 18:17

400 on hair!!

but it is your money

RunAwayWife · 13/02/2011 18:18

If you work full time and are in a position to spend what you do and no one is going without then YANBU to think your MIL should mind her own business.

GMajor7 · 13/02/2011 18:25

We are very comfortable, the dc are 12 and 16, no mortgage and I work full time. In the last 12 months I have spent: yada yada yada.

Stealth bragging at its very finest!

So you have money. Good for you.

Bunbaker · 13/02/2011 18:39

"400 on hair!!

but it is your money"

I pay about £45 for a cut and colour every 5 - 6 weeks at an out of town salon. That comes to £390 over a year. If I went into town that would cost at least half as much again. I have very short greying hair so it is high maintenance. I don't think £400 a year on hair is unreasonable at all.

muminthemiddle · 13/02/2011 18:53

If you can afford it then YANBU.

80sMum · 13/02/2011 18:56

Well, I think YANBU at all. It's your money, so none of MILs business how you spend it. Might be different if she'd given or lent you some money because you'd said you were hard up and then spent it on clothes and hair-dos. But that's not the case, so she should keep her opinions to herself imo.

I don't think £400 a year on hair is at all unreasonable. I do think it's expensive, but that's just what hair cuts & colour cost nowadays, at least they do where i live anyway (Surrey).

FattyArbuckel · 13/02/2011 18:56

It is none of your MIL's business unless she is lending you money or similar.

Ignore her and stop fretting

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