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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to think that the MIL is wrong to call me extravagant

150 replies

onceamai · 13/02/2011 08:37

Every time she comes there's a comment about what I'm wearing, how much it cost and a little dig about extravagance. I think I'm quite frugal and buy what I need - bear in mind I have to look decent for work; my mum thinks I should spend a lot more on myself.

We are very comfortable, the dc are 12 and 16, no mortgage and I work full time. In the last 12 months I have spent:

Hair - 400 (3 cut and blow dry, 3 half head highlights)

Make-up - probably about 70.00

Clothes: Per Una outfit 75, Per Una suit 75, 3 per una blouses - 90, 2 per Una tops - 50, East dress - 79, M&S cardigan 25, Kew linen coat 99, M&S skirt - 39.50, Next blouse - 32, Boden top - 59, Van Dal shoes 79, Joseph Sieber comfy sandals 55, Clarks ballet pumps, John Lewis ankle boots 70, Evening shoes 115, outfit from Phase 8 for evenings special occasions - 175, Radly handbag - 120, smart black holdall Oliver Bonas 39. Probably another 100 on underwear and tights.

OP posts:
bibbitybobbityhat · 13/02/2011 10:33

You've spent about £155 per month. Not extravagant, not frugal, seems a reasonable amount to me for someone with a full time job and no mortgage.

holyShmoley · 13/02/2011 10:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Salmotrutta · 13/02/2011 10:37

I was interested to read that the OP had Josef Seibel sandals - I love Josef Seibel and have a pair of their ankle boots!!
It's like walking on air! Grin

Ahem..... anyway........ extravagance is relative as others have said. If you earn your own money/have no debt/blah blah blah it's your own business what you spend.

edam · 13/02/2011 10:37

Spend your money how you like as long as it's not hurting anyone else. None of your MIL's business. Except that IRL of course some relatives are interested in this kind of thing.

My uncle's a (self-made) millionaire. If he didn't buy a round of drinks at a family do in a pub or a restaurant I'd gossip about it but otherwise it's up to him.

edam · 13/02/2011 10:40

Oh, and amongst family, I may have made the odd catty remark about how his three sons all dropped out of or didn't go to university and ended up working for him. On the grounds that having a wealthy father obviously removed their incentive to strive for themselves. But really, it's up to him if he wants to subsidise his children - I wouldn't turn down an offer of money from my Dad!

TrillianAstra · 13/02/2011 10:49

I think she has got into the habit of denying herself nice things and is jealous.

When she had children at home, was she not allowed to go out to work to earn money to buy nice things? Did she have to stay at home and scrimp and save?

bigTillyMint · 13/02/2011 10:54

Spend what you want if you can afford it.

It is none of her business.

Is she less well-off than you? Or is she jealous because you look better than she ever did?

Someone I work with who has very little disposable income is one of the best-turned out people I know - usually looks great - hair, outfits, etc.

Original poster
onceamai · 13/02/2011 12:33

Hmm - interesting comments. Sorry you all think Per Una is horrific - I like it and it's me but then in my 20's I loved Laura Ashley, got lost in my 30's and in my 40's loved Boden [embarrassed]. As someone said, I work in education and am very conscious of not looking better off than others and fitting in - I actually spend less now than I did 20 years ago on clothes.

The comments about having an inventory are interesting too because I think knowing what I spend, on what, does actually make me quite frugal and careful with money.

I know lots of women who spend far far more than I do and perhaps there is a degree of relativity about it.

The MIL, btw, was a teacher (deputy head) and thinks clothes should only be bought in the sales and be frumpy although from this you all think I am frumpy. It might help if I admit to being 50.

Have taken on board comments but you would all probably be cross now if I started shopping at LK Bennett or Jaeger Shock

OP posts:
MainlyMaynie · 13/02/2011 12:42

It's none of her business. Nor ours. But perhaps if you tell her about your spending in as much specific detail as you've given here, she feels you are rather inviting comments?

happiestblonde · 13/02/2011 12:49

YANBU

I spend about the same on hair and a few hundred on clothes every month, tell her to bugger off.

Diamondback · 13/02/2011 12:50

Why do you feel such a need to justify yourself to your MIL - and then to us, by listing everything you've spent! It's not her business, our business or anyone's but yours. You earn your own money, you've paid off your mortgage and your kids are fed and clothed.

If you're not getting into debt, then spend what you like! After all, it keeps other people in jobs and it makes you feel good.

Your MIL, like most people who can't help but criticise, has her own issues. You probably can't help her, but maybe you could gently point out that she's being a bit rude...

Spenguin · 13/02/2011 12:51

Unless it's your MIL's money, tell her where to go!

fuzzywuzzy · 13/02/2011 12:57

How does you MIL even know how much you spend on haircuts unless you tell her??? Stop telling her, problem solved!

scottishmummy · 13/02/2011 13:10

unless mil pays,none of her business.only £70 on make up?i spend way more than that a month on make up and perfume,but hey its my dosh and im not answerable to anyone

CrosswordAddict · 13/02/2011 13:47

onceamai Do you keep a record of what you buy and what you spend? Just interested. It is obviously imprtant to you what you wear so just please yourself. Not your MIL's business really, particularly since you work fulltime too. Like Ragwort I buy a lot of my stuff from charity shops and eBay. Sometimes I buy new but only from very cheap shops. People must take me as they find me, not judge me for what I'm wearing or not wearing. Sure I'll be shot down in flames any minute.

MCos · 13/02/2011 14:08

Just don't let it bother you.
You are in the nice position of having a comfortable disposable income.
Your MIL probably wasn't so comfortably off when she was younger, and probably sees such spending as extragavant.
My dad can't believe how the younger generation spends money. He thinks we must have more money than sense. We leave him have his say, but not get bothered by it.

VivaLeBeaver · 13/02/2011 14:18

Do you really only get your hair done once every 4 months?

TryLikingClarity · 13/02/2011 14:33

When I first read the OP I thought she was stating the number of things she'd bought in each shop, not the price of things! Confused

I am still a bit Hmm that she could remember the cost of everything.

But, it's up to you, not us, not your MIL.

Spend, look nice and be happy.

Tell your MIL to mind her own business.

skybluepearl · 13/02/2011 14:54

how much do you spend on clothes in total per year? Don't have the patience to add your numbers up.

I spend 25 pounds every 7 or 8 weeks on a hair cut.

225 on clothes per annum but a bit more if i needs new boots, coat or summer shoes.

makeup/creams etc - maybe 125?

saying that i really need to spoil myself a bit more - my knickers are really old. it's important to feel good about the way you look.

I think you do buy quite a few things but as long as you are not in debt and work hard it's perfectly fine. I wouldn't consider you frugal or extravagant - just in the middle somewhere.

It really is non of your MIL's business. I think she is just of that older generation where being frugal was everything. You can either ask her to stop a passing comment or just tell a white lie and say you were given any item she asks about.

Deaddei · 13/02/2011 15:08

I am 50 too and do not buy Per Una......but if it suits op and her lifestyle, that's her choice.
I spend far more than her, but again, that is my choice.
My MIL used to say "how much has that haircut cost you-ridiculous, mine only cost £7.50"
I shut her up for good by saying "and it looks it".
After 15 years of sniping, it worked.

breathing · 13/02/2011 15:11

OP thats more than ive bought clothes wise in 4 years

Greythorne · 13/02/2011 15:12

I don't think you are extravagant at all but I do think you are very odd in listing all your purchases. Did you take the time to flick back through bank statements for prices or do you just know all this stuff? Either way, very odd.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 13/02/2011 15:13

I don't think you're frugal - watchful about what you spend but that is a different thing.

I don't think you're extravagant either, I spend about the same as you overall and I don't work.

Bit odd that your MIL feels entitled to comment, but then the relationship is clearly a bit strained seeing as you don't even call her 'my MIL' but refer to her as 'the MIL' :)

Next time she comments, just say 'yes it is new, thank you for noticing', and smile sweetly. Don't get into a discussion about amounts.

breathing · 13/02/2011 15:14

I need to spend more on myself

just realised this

breatheslowly · 13/02/2011 15:22

Don't your highlights grow out badly after 4 months?