Is my DH a twat or am I?

[mrsmarple]

Seriously I need to know whether I am being unreasonable.

The background:
Dh works from home. That means he gets up at 9-10am, later at weekends, runs himself a bath, has a coffee. Settles down to work.

I am on maternity leave with DS. He has never been a good sleeper, up every 2 hrs until recently. He also wakes at the crack of dawn. DH never helps at all. He has done probably 4/5 bathtimes in 11 months, same amount of mealtimes. Never did a night feed.

Today I asked for a day off as am knackered and pissed off. So I still get up at 7am to do the baby, then he goes down for a nap and I go back to bed because it is my day off. Baby wakes at 10.30am, I wake up DH who looks after him until 11.30am when he is plonked on the bed. I do lunch and look after him until his lunchtime nap, then I go back to bed. Basically I look after him until 3.30pm, when DH takes him for another hour. I use that hour to prepare the dinner because he wanted to know what he was having for dinner.

I come down from doing bath and bedtime to find DH sitting reading in a pile of toys and mess, not having bothered to put anything away. He says, did you enjoy your day off? (I don't think he was joking). Wanker.

DH asks why I am stroppy when I am tidying up after dinner. I tell him he does nothing and I am pissed off. He says that I clearly can't cope with my life at the moment and that I need to think about my attitude.

I was contemplating apologising to him, but now I have written it down I am furious.

I don't understand if you are the major earner why you are going to work part-time and him full-time.

Why don't you both work part-time? Then he'll have to do an equal role.

Chuck him in at the deep end go to work and leave him to get on with it.

Wow he sounds like a total douchebag.

That being said, how long have you been married? Has he always been like this or did it change after you got married/had a baby? If he was like this before you got married, why did you marry him?

Loving someone is one thing, but putting up with this kind of fucked up attitude is not something that love can fix. Perhaps some counselling is in order so he can see from an uninvolved third party what's going on.

Echo what stuffing says, look after him ffs? you can't neglect dc but don't be waiting on him, tell him you looked at your attitude and decided it was archaic so decided to stop playing traditional female roles!
He sounds like a pompous arse !

I think that there is a serious difference of expectations here. There are so many threads about husbands who do not do enough.

The first question, to me, is have you ever discussed it with him. Why does he have the expectations that he does? I am sure part of it is to do with his parents' marriage. But, also, before you went on mat leave, what did you tell him that you would be doing and he should be doing? If he is used to a certain regimen and you suddenly feel it is unfair, he is going to struggle to see it without a proper discussion.

You are being a bit of a martyr here as well. Why, on your day off, did you take the baby when he "plonked it on the bed"? Also, an hour to pre-prepare a meal for just the two of you? Was it a cordon bleue romantic dinner? I think it is unfair to do something and then be resentful afterwards, when you could have just refused to do it in the first place.

You are clearly doing more than you should and your husband should be doing more but you should put this to your husband calmly and then agree to a fair rota of jobs. If he then refuses this, then all the comments of "twat" etc would be fair.

As an aside, I normally really like SGB's posts but this idea that you "give a man sex" is rather 1950s, isn't it? It is meant to be an enjoyable pursuit for both parties.

I think you should go away for the weekend and let him look after son. You do need a rest. Can he also have something regular he helps you with midweek - like he does bath time and washes up every evening - then alternative mornings gets up with son so you share the sleep in. He sounds very selfish expecting you to work all day and night while he just does 8 hours week days. He also seems to think that you are his personal slave orthat he lives in a hotel! He should read this thread. Evenings and weekends the work load should be shared evenly. Why does he get free time and rests while you don't?

Goodness, he's going the right way about getting loads and loads of no sex. Total and utter resentment will do that.

OK, so he works and you're currently a SAHM. Between the hours of 9 and 5 - or whenever he works!!! OK, you might not technically help him with his business, but parenting is a joint business out of work hours - i.e. evenings and weekends.

I'd also be a bit perplexed as to why he doesn't want to form any sort of bond or relationship with his DC.

The reason most men pitch in and help is because they love their DC, actively want a role in parenting, and don't want the Mum to hog the close bond! I would be so sad if my DH didn't appear to want this with our children.

He's a twat - sorry.

YANBU. . .The Fact that you are upset with his selfish attitude and behaviour tells us all he is not being fair and pulling his weight. It is his child too and if he is working from home then he has noreal reason why you cant have 6 hours off one day to go and do your thing.

I once had a DH like this hover helped with the kids and was mentally abusive, and in the end i left him....his behaviour was horrendous. (wont go into details) .
Try to sort this out and talk calmly with him. If he wot see your point of view then he is an arse and very self centred.
I hate it when men wont help out their tired wife and mother of their child, , , he is a twat and is heading for trouble if he is not careful.
Wishing you luck that this is sortable.! Stay strong !

Show him this thread!
Your Dh is bing incr4edibly selfish - i don't want to upset you but I couldn't even imagine he could truly love someone and treat them like that.

Yes show him this thread. If he has any decency he will be mortified at his thoughtlessness.

When our DCs were small DH and I used to get one lie-in each at the weekend. During the week we shared all the jobs out so we could both sit down at roughly the same time each evening to share a bottle of .

Doesn't sound like much of a day off. Why didn't he take the baby out for the day so you could rest in peace?

He's incredibly selfish.

Showing him this thread will make absolutely zero difference - he will just say we're a bunch of harpies, who were BOUND to take your side.

Which will of course, just confirm him as a fuckwit thoroughly unpleasant individual, who refuse to even entertain the idea that he might be in the wrong.

YANBU - and there are some very wise words of advice above.

You need to insist on some bare minimum parenting/household participation for a start and work from there. You are going to have to drive this change.

I'd start off with your H doing bathtimes (this worked very well with DP though I got him doing this from the very beginning) - EVERY night. This can be his 'thing'. So he does bath, teeth, dressing for bed etc. You can then put DS to bed, or your H can or you can alternative - whatever works.

He also needs to be sharing the cooking - say on the nights you put DS down to sleep, then H cooks dinner, and vice versa.

You need at least one lie in at the weekend - proper lie in where H takes 100% responsibility until you get up, shower etc. And seriously with his late starts during the week I'd be insisting on sharing all the mornings/lie-in's evenly between you.

Just to chuck my tuppence in, my DH is utterly wonderful, works hard, is much tidier than I am and looks after DD by himself on Fridays (he works 4 days a week) and we share Sats, Suns DD is all mine. I get up with DD 4 or 5 mornings a week (my choice) and get one lie in, and put DD to bed 5 nights a week - again because I want to see her but also because DH does 10-12 hour days. The balance is pretty perfect for us.

But to get to where we are took quite a few arguments and tears - he felt that he didn't have to do anything at all on weekends. I work fill time and it got to the stage where if I had to take 30 mins off to have a bikini wax (which I pointed out was FOR him ) he acted like he'd done me a favour. It wasn't malice on his part, he was just tired and bored of looking after DD after a full day on Friday.

In some ways childcare is harder for men - they don't have that hormonal boost that makes it all worth it for women, I think, and it's more of an effort. But If you don't ask, you don't get - human beings (particularly men, sorry to stereotype) are naturally lazy and will default to doing nothing, given half a chance.

I think the best approach is 1) if it's so easy looking after a baby, how come he doesn't want to help and 2) does he not want to have a relationship with his (not just yours!) DS?

As PPs have said, bathtimes are perfect, and once he's incorporated it into his day he'll get used to doing it. Then push for a lie-in here and there

Also once you start working again you ned to push for some balance or you will either burn out or get really resentful, neither of which are exactly healthy for a relationship.

Sorry about this. I just wanted to post another vote for normal labour distribution being equitable. DH is on paternity, I am on maternity. I cook, he cleans, I feed DD (BF), he nappies. House was a tip yesterday so we both cleaned except for whoever was dealing with DD at the time. We both thank each other A LOT and tell the other one if we need some time off. He had a night out last week so the next day all I did was feed DD. If I need a lie in I get it but he gets to play CoD when he wants.

We have spoken about when he goes back to work and who will do what. The negotiation is that he won't get up at night any more (DD is EBF so no point except to cuddle her!). He will still clean but I will do the laundry and dishwasher. It is a negotiation and we do argue about it but it is mainly when I do too little rather than too much.

Please don't think that just because there are lazy DHs in the world that it is normal. It is not OK.

Excuse me???? YOU need to have a look at YOUR attitude???? I am temporarily stunned into silence. What a monumental twat. Explain your 'day off' to him (I would do it whilst threatening to castrate him with a rusty teaspoon) and tell him in no uncertain terms that he needs to pull his finger out. WHAT a ghastly individual. I would have torn his head off. I wonder if you live close to me - I would gladly come and poke him in the eye for you.

Pixie, you sound fab. My DH is great but can you come and threaten our neighbours who smoke dope in the garden below our flat until 3am?!

YANBU. Why isn't he pulling his weight?

My DH works full time, self employed, up at 6am most mornings, doesn't get to bed until late. I work full time and study, am also up at 6am and my evenings are spent studying and getting stuff ready for the next day of our busy lives.

We have two young children.

We share everything - childcare, chores, shopping etc. When our kids were babies, DH shared nightfeeds once I stopped breastfeeding, and even when I was bf-0ing, he would often take the baby from me to change once they had fed and change them/settle them

The point isn't that my Dh is so wonderful - it's that this should be normal. Unfortunately it isn't, and MN is swamped with knackered women who have an extra child to look after rather than a supportive partner.

YANBU. Your DH is a twat.

"In some ways childcare is harder for men - they don't have that hormonal boost that makes it all worth it for women, I think, and it's more of an effort. "

Total bollocks as any of us who are partners with SAHDs will attest.

It depends; did you talk much about parental responsibility and childcare duties before DC was born? Or did you just get on with it, with you assuming he'd help out, and him assuming you'd recede into mumsy bliss and emerge when he's six and ready to kick a football around?

In short, this sounds like an issue that you REALLY should have sorted out before you committed to have a child with this guy.

Definitely a lazy twat.

He gets up at 9-10 (so this was a lie-in for him), has bath, coffee. Bet he reads the paper too.

So he starts work at ???

Appalled by his comments. Does he know how lucky he is?

He sounds like a prick. I would have suggested maybe he just doesn't think about doing things, but he's does just think it's your responsibility.

You had a kid together, not on your own.

For what it's worth, my DH would do anything I ask him, even up to the point of watching DS poop and then asking him to change his nappy.

He does the following, without being asked: -
Works full time
Bath DS
Puts DS to bed
2 night feeds a week
Get up with DS at 6.30
Makes me a cup of coffee every morning
Makes me drinks every night
Does the bins
Does the cat litter
Does any DIY or heavy lifting
Does any car related stuff
Does most weekend nappies and puts DS down for weekend naps