Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my DH a twat or am I?

128 replies

mrsmarple · 06/02/2011 20:59

Seriously I need to know whether I am being unreasonable.

The background:
Dh works from home. That means he gets up at 9-10am, later at weekends, runs himself a bath, has a coffee. Settles down to work.

I am on maternity leave with DS. He has never been a good sleeper, up every 2 hrs until recently. He also wakes at the crack of dawn. DH never helps at all. He has done probably 4/5 bathtimes in 11 months, same amount of mealtimes. Never did a night feed.

Today I asked for a day off as am knackered and pissed off. So I still get up at 7am to do the baby, then he goes down for a nap and I go back to bed because it is my day off. Baby wakes at 10.30am, I wake up DH who looks after him until 11.30am when he is plonked on the bed. I do lunch and look after him until his lunchtime nap, then I go back to bed. Basically I look after him until 3.30pm, when DH takes him for another hour. I use that hour to prepare the dinner because he wanted to know what he was having for dinner.

I come down from doing bath and bedtime to find DH sitting reading in a pile of toys and mess, not having bothered to put anything away. He says, did you enjoy your day off? (I don't think he was joking). Wanker.

DH asks why I am stroppy when I am tidying up after dinner. I tell him he does nothing and I am pissed off. He says that I clearly can't cope with my life at the moment and that I need to think about my attitude.

I was contemplating apologising to him, but now I have written it down I am furious.

OP posts:
CointreauVersial · 06/02/2011 21:48

DH works from home sometimes, and when he does, he doesn't help with the dcs. His rationale is that he's working (and he really is), taking calls and working away at his laptop. He also doesn't do anything around the house on such days (load the dishwasher etc).

BUT I totally accept that, BECAUSE when he isn't working, he does loads around the house, helps with dcs, chores, does all the bedtimes etc. And I know that if I asked for a day off, I'd get one, no question. And he never ever claims that his (money-earning) job is more valid than my (child-raising/cooking/cleaning) job. We have a very good balance.

HoegaardenHappiness · 06/02/2011 21:48

Why did you marry him? He is treating you with contempt.

Do the list with costs thing but seriously, what is he adding to your life?

scottishmummy · 06/02/2011 21:48

no this isnt one sided.you are acting like wee wifey,he is .you both need shake

but you know what you dont both dont have to enact a set of clichés

this sounds v fixable,just need starlight talk

dittany · 06/02/2011 21:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blinks · 06/02/2011 21:50

in life, some things are non-negotiable and doing your fair share around the house and with your children is one of them.

men like this are so used to women eventually backing down and putting up with it, that they start to believe that they're not being in any way unreasonable.

it's your duty as a mother to raise your child in an environment where the parental relationship is balanced and equal.

so don't waste your time critiquing his shitness, TELL HIM what you expect and stick to it.

nomoreheels · 06/02/2011 21:51

It sounds like he's not very interested in mucking in. What a bloody stupid thing to say, comparing being a parent with helping his business.

Think you need to leave him with the baby for a weekend, might snap him out of it!

pointythings · 06/02/2011 21:52

When I was on maternity leave, DH:

  • Dealt with his share of awful nappies
  • Cooked dinner most nights because the DCs were colicky
  • Held and rocked the DCs so I could eat my dinner (see above)
  • Put away the laundry I had done during the day (so that everyone had clean clothes/nappies)
  • Helped with night-time nappy changes if they were needed (couldn't do feeds, as BF)

When I went back to work (f/t) everything was 50/50.

Your DH needs a wakeup call. You need to be assertive. No need for it to get nasty, but replicating his parents' marriage isn't an option - this is 2011.

dittany · 06/02/2011 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 06/02/2011 21:53

Jesus, what a cock!

I'm a SAHM - permanently for the next few years.

DH does bathtime every night, and in the evenings and at weekends we share the chores and childcare between us. He does it because he loves me, and he loves DS and he is a good man. It wouldn't occur to him to sit on his arse and leave me to get on with it, tbh if he had been that kind of man then I would never have married him.

Your husband sounds like a selfish, nasty man.

Original poster
mrsmarple · 06/02/2011 21:54

blinks that is the problem - he doesn't think he is being unreasonable. He think he is totally reasonable and that I am the one with a problem.

scottishmummy what is a starlight talk? It is fixable, I just need to stop playing the little wife role. It isn't me. I am just confused about how we got into this mess!

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 06/02/2011 21:56

he isnt necessarily a bad dh,just you two enacting a cliche at the mo

so put some ground rules in place
get the va va voom back
some planning and organisation of tasks

if you back work soon, why not bulk cook and freeze.so when you back work you have meals ready. we bulk cook & freeze - take frozen dinner out in morning, reheat at night when get home

Original poster
mrsmarple · 06/02/2011 21:56

dittany my mum was a SAHM when we were little and then re-trained and worked full-time when we were at school. My dad was always home early to have dinner with us and take us swimming etc, but all the housework/cooking is still done by my mother. Throughout my childhood I used to think, that will NEVER happen to me, I want to do so much more with my life. But here I am. Fuck!

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 06/02/2011 21:58

oh sorry,i meant straight talk.think spellchecker caught it

overall, if it is fixable then thats smashing it is easy to slip into a role or set of cliches.sometimes life creeps up like that a bit

fairyfart · 06/02/2011 21:58

MMMMM... the old 'well I pay for the roof over your head so you should be eternally grateful' chestnut.

Why do we let them get away with this shit?

LibraPoppyGirl · 06/02/2011 21:59

YANBU - you are both in a partnership and that means sharing everything that makes your family tick. Just because he earns the money DOES NOT mean that EVERYTHING else should be your responsibility. There are so many 'money earners' with this idea. That just means that basically your job is therefore 24/7, 365 days a year, with no holidays, no perks no nothing. Bollocks!!

Does he work weekends? Or does he work 7 days a week? If he takes any time away from 'his job', then you should too, as he has clearly said what you do is 'your job'. Or is 'your job' of less value than his because there is no monetary reward?

He is the one who needs an attitude adjustment and quick smart. I don't know how you can go about this, only you can really know that. Good Luck.

blinks · 06/02/2011 21:59

of course he thinks that... you've been putting up with it.

so stop.

Flisspaps · 06/02/2011 22:00

OP - you say " What is even more galling is that we were in the same profession and I was more senior than him."

Sounds to me like he's now relishing the fact that he's the breadwinner in the house, and little wifey can finally know her place. Was your seniority ever an issue before?

dittany · 06/02/2011 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy · 06/02/2011 22:01

no,both need an attitudinal and behavioural shift

as both are enacting roles
this isnt solely about the dh.it is about mrsmarple and her dh, sorting and changing stuff

dittany · 06/02/2011 22:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Beautifullife · 06/02/2011 22:05

Next time (because this first day off has proven it) you need to spell out your expectations of what a day off for you is. He has absolutely no idea as he is so used to having it his way. I personally want to punch his lights out. One thing I will say to you though, is that you can only be treated the way you allow yourself to be treated. So take what you need from life and from him and stop giving so much. You are worth so very much more. xx

LibraPoppyGirl · 06/02/2011 22:08

@dittany spot on girl LOL Grin

Original poster
mrsmarple · 06/02/2011 22:08

flisspaps he was really proud of me, it was never an issue. He still says he is proud that he has such a clever wife (feels like a different life), so it is weird that he expects me to be his slave, and also that I put up with it!

dittany - what is your home situation? How do you split things like chores etc? I am just interested to know how it works.

OP posts:
HoegaardenHappiness · 06/02/2011 22:09

Sounds to me like he might be (subconsciously) punishing you for earning more than him before.

How can he be a 'lovely man'? He doesn't think of you ad an equal. Plus he doesn't appear to want to do much with his own son.

H mmmmmm stop enabling this. Say 'no' etc.

But seriously what do you get from this relationship? I haven't read anything that makes him sound like any man anyone would want to be married to.

If your best friend told you this was her situation then would would you think if her?

In fact at this point usually people start asking questions about different cultural backgrounds!

Original poster
mrsmarple · 06/02/2011 22:09

Thank you beautifullife

OP posts: