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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my DH a twat or am I?

128 replies

mrsmarple · 06/02/2011 20:59

Seriously I need to know whether I am being unreasonable.

The background:
Dh works from home. That means he gets up at 9-10am, later at weekends, runs himself a bath, has a coffee. Settles down to work.

I am on maternity leave with DS. He has never been a good sleeper, up every 2 hrs until recently. He also wakes at the crack of dawn. DH never helps at all. He has done probably 4/5 bathtimes in 11 months, same amount of mealtimes. Never did a night feed.

Today I asked for a day off as am knackered and pissed off. So I still get up at 7am to do the baby, then he goes down for a nap and I go back to bed because it is my day off. Baby wakes at 10.30am, I wake up DH who looks after him until 11.30am when he is plonked on the bed. I do lunch and look after him until his lunchtime nap, then I go back to bed. Basically I look after him until 3.30pm, when DH takes him for another hour. I use that hour to prepare the dinner because he wanted to know what he was having for dinner.

I come down from doing bath and bedtime to find DH sitting reading in a pile of toys and mess, not having bothered to put anything away. He says, did you enjoy your day off? (I don't think he was joking). Wanker.

DH asks why I am stroppy when I am tidying up after dinner. I tell him he does nothing and I am pissed off. He says that I clearly can't cope with my life at the moment and that I need to think about my attitude.

I was contemplating apologising to him, but now I have written it down I am furious.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 06/02/2011 22:12

I can't believe he doesn't get up!

DH would love to have that kind of time in the mornings, he would be up and spending time with DS before he had to start work.
As it is, he leaves the house between 7.30am and 8am, and before he goes he always brings up tea for me and milk for DS and will often unload the dishwasher or stick a load of washing on before he leaves the house.

Original poster
mrsmarple · 06/02/2011 22:12

Hoegaarden it is all the cliches - if my best friend told me this was the reality of her marriage I would think you plonker, what are you doing. But when it is you it is much harder because you slide into things.

I am going to stop enabling this. I get into a cycle - he pisses me off, then I apologise (don't tell me off), then I do loads of things get busy etc etc, then I think hmm I am doing everything, I am pissed off, I argue, I apologise. It goes on.

But no more!

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsmarple · 06/02/2011 22:13

Alibabaa you are one seriously lucky girl.

OP posts:
HoegaardenHappiness · 06/02/2011 22:14

Ok so dh is a freelancer and does 50:50 when not working. Before work he looks after dc so that I can go back to bed. He does all the cooking and a fair amount if cleaning.

Dh works from home. That means he gets up at 9-10am, later at weekends, runs himself a bath, has a coffee. Settles down to work.

completely unacceptable!!!!!!!

How the fuck did you end up in this situation? He doesn't appear to think of you as a family at all.

What happens at weekends?

LoopyLoopsPoopaScoop · 06/02/2011 22:15

I think people are being too kind to your DH.

He thinks you should do everything, and it is your sole responsibility to care for the house, baby and him?

This is not normal, nor is it acceptable in this day and age (you don't live in the 1950s, right?)

For what it's worth, I get cross with my DH for not pulling his weight, but this is what he does (I'm a SAHM, DD 19 months):

Work full time
Clear up after dinner (mostly)
Bath DD
Read to DD
Put DD to bed
Most DIY
Bins
About 30 % cleaning
About 70% gardening
About 70% washing
Makes me tea and snacks in the evening

I do most cooking, and more cleaning, but I am at home a lot and have time to do it. Over the weekend, we basically have a day each, ie. Saturdays I lie in, he looks after DD for most of the day, does her food, nappies etc. We swap on Sundays.

He has never done much in the way of nights, which is why I have complained in the past, but to be fair I breastfed, so could sooth her much easier.

A man who poke to me and goaded me the way your DH simply wouldn't be my DH. I am worth more than that, and I would not want my children to grow up thinking that is how women should be.

LoopyLoopsPoopaScoop · 06/02/2011 22:17

spoke

Original poster
mrsmarple · 06/02/2011 22:17

God at weekends he gets up later! 11am yesterday, 10.30am today when I asked him to get up.
Your husband does the cooking and a fair amount of cleaning! Bloody Hell!

OP posts:
LoopyLoopsPoopaScoop · 06/02/2011 22:18

Seriously, tell us his redeeming features. Are there any?

Original poster
mrsmarple · 06/02/2011 22:19

LoopyLoops your situation is just a dream from here!!! Is your DH in the minority or mine?

OP posts:
LoopyLoopsPoopaScoop · 06/02/2011 22:20

I am lucky, I know not all men respect their partners, but I doubt I'm in the minority. Please don't put up with this. You can see that it's not right. You deserve better.

notmyproblem · 06/02/2011 22:23

mrsmarple, how many times do you need it spelled out... your DH is in the minority. That's because most DHs who act like yours become ex-DHs.

Stop saying you've got a problem, bemoaning how you got yourself into it, looking with starry eyes at others' more equitable relationships, and pull up your big girl pants and make a plan for how you're going to change this. Do it now before you go back to work and end up even more stressed, tired, put upon and treated like a second class servant.

pikachu999 · 06/02/2011 22:25

mrsmarple- I don't think it is all down to luck. My DH works 4 days a week, and when I was on Mat Leave (we have 3 DCs) he would be sharing childcare when he wasn't at work, and still does now we are both working. He gets up in the night, and does most of the cooking too.

You need to make your DH see that his attitude that you aren't working and are therefore there to look after him, the house and your DS stinks - why should your working day be 24 hours? So when he isn't working he should be doing his fair share of childcare/housework, and I think it's Sad that he doesn't even help at bathtime - that is often the most fun part in those early months.

I have a friend who has a DH who works from home, and he is similar to your DH - but then she is happy with that - but I wouldn't be! And you obviously aren't so need to do something about it.

And definitely leave him to it next time and have a a proper day off. It might show him how hard your job is!

mackereltaitai · 06/02/2011 22:26

I'll give your dh 1 point in this scenario - that he didn't simply import A.N.Other woman to do the childcare (e.g. his mother), and then expect massive thanks and approval. However, that 1 point is out of 100.

I also agree with scottishmummy that this is fixable - and I like the phrase 'starlight talking' actually.

But I do think he has to get his fucking head round what has happened to BOTH your lives. Here's a possible opener: 'I'll explain why I'm so pissed off. When I asked for a day off, because I've worked X months without a single day off, unbroken night, or lie in, I expected an actual day off, in bed for as long as I liked, able to do what I felt like, for the entire day. I expected you to do for 13 hours what I have done for all those months. Can you explain to me what you expected to happen when I asked for a day off?'

Two other questions. Are you going back into a more senior role? (I do hope so). Will you be working at home as well when you go back? Because I think that might be a recipe for disaster.

scottishmummy · 06/02/2011 22:28

mrsmarple,you and him need a cards on table discussion

some planning how its going to be from now on
plans for when you both at work, talk about what you both do when baby gets sick and sent home from nursery and cant work, things like that need discussed,aired, shared

most reasonable partners do help and share.and when two if you work you need a plan and give and take

you need to stop facilitating this,wiping your wifey sweaty brow

he needs to get more hands on and more responsible

Sidge · 06/02/2011 22:30

He sounds like a right lazy git.

Does he do any parenting at all? Or is he just some bloke that thinks he's living in a Premier Inn? I.e. I'm paying for it so I shall be served.

Fuck that. A marriage should be a partnership; not much sign of a partnership in your family. You do all the work. I'm not disputing he earns the money but that in itself doesn't excuse one from actually helping in the home.

LoopyLoopsPoopaScoop · 06/02/2011 22:30

excellent post notmyproblem, OP please listen and act.

TickettyBoo · 06/02/2011 22:33

YANBU.

I pretty much do everything round here too - we had words about it not long ago and I said I may as well be a single parent for the amount he contributed(I was rather pissed off that day but it seemed to make the point lol)!

It did improve when I went back to work, so hopefully it will for you too xx

Vicky2011 · 06/02/2011 22:33

Can I be honest?

Either go back to work or divorce him.

Fucking dinosaur.

Sorry but men on a power kick make me Angry

scottishmummy · 06/02/2011 22:39

christ almighty.divorce him?kick to kerb?this blah blah you go girfriend rhetoric is not the answer

change your behaviour and attitudes missmarple
he needs change his behaviours and attitudes too

this is probably fixable.wont be easy, will be tricky

but itdoesnt merit the high five yew go sista speech

shakey1500 · 06/02/2011 22:43

Agree he sounds a lazy bones and has had it far too easy for too long. My dh started a bit like this. I remember he took a job that involved him travelling round Europe for two weeks when ds was a few months old. He had no idea how hard I found it. In amongst his "gripes" was that he was "stuck" in a hotel in Paris and was "having trouble" deciding which restaurant to eat in. I'd have chewed my arm off to be in his situation!

A heart to heart was sorely needed and shortly after I booked a weekend away for myself and have done this often the last few years.

Nowadays, similar to other posters, when he's home he'll cook dinners, get up with ds, let me have a proper lie in (granted I work now)do his fair share of cleaning blah blah.

Took a bit of "training" (for want of a better word) but sometimes menz need it spelling out or being "forced" into a situation where they've got no choice but to get on with it. No offence to the majority of men that do pull their weight :)

Rev084 · 06/02/2011 22:43

I agree with what some others have said, when it is your agreed day off, go out for the day and leave your son to be looked after by your DH. I know you need your sleep, but a day away from the home might do more to refresh you at the moment. Sleep when the baby sleeps (easier said than done, I know), even if its in the middle of the day when your DH expects you to be doing housework or cooking dinner.

You need to look after number 1 and your son first, be strict and tough about this, because your son needs you to be happy and healthy. Allow your husband to look after himself if he is not forthcoming in giving you a rest, he will soon learn the error of his ways. Some men have no idea how tiring being a new mum can be. Be kind to yourself. DO NOT APOLOGISE xxx

kepler10b · 06/02/2011 22:44

he is a twat. well actually a dick. why don't you have a day off where you actually go out of the house and then he will just have to cope. you might need to write out a schedule for him (include preparing the evening meal for when you get home).

fairyfart · 06/02/2011 22:46

OP when you go back to work are you going to leave DC with a childminder or at home with DH?

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 06/02/2011 22:48

I don't agree that you should go out.
I think he should go out and stay out.

Jesus christ on a bike... how? He is an total twat and you have let him carry on like this?

Definitely pull your Big Girls Pants up and tell him how it is going to be from now on OR save yourself the effort and just tell him to go and live with his mammy.

Your DH a minority - most of them that act like this become EX PDQ.

StuffingGoldBrass · 06/02/2011 23:23

The most telling and worrying thing you've reported is him saying that your job is to look after HIM. No it's not. That's the bit of his thinking that needs stepping on the hardest.
While it's reasonable that a SAHP does a bit more housework than the WOHP, as someone said upthread: the SAHP's work time is when the WOHP is outside the home, during the evenings and weekends the chores and childcare should be shared. So BOTH of you get free time.