Is my DH a twat or am I?

[mrsmarple]

Seriously I need to know whether I am being unreasonable.

The background:
Dh works from home. That means he gets up at 9-10am, later at weekends, runs himself a bath, has a coffee. Settles down to work.

I am on maternity leave with DS. He has never been a good sleeper, up every 2 hrs until recently. He also wakes at the crack of dawn. DH never helps at all. He has done probably 4/5 bathtimes in 11 months, same amount of mealtimes. Never did a night feed.

Today I asked for a day off as am knackered and pissed off. So I still get up at 7am to do the baby, then he goes down for a nap and I go back to bed because it is my day off. Baby wakes at 10.30am, I wake up DH who looks after him until 11.30am when he is plonked on the bed. I do lunch and look after him until his lunchtime nap, then I go back to bed. Basically I look after him until 3.30pm, when DH takes him for another hour. I use that hour to prepare the dinner because he wanted to know what he was having for dinner.

I come down from doing bath and bedtime to find DH sitting reading in a pile of toys and mess, not having bothered to put anything away. He says, did you enjoy your day off? (I don't think he was joking). Wanker.

DH asks why I am stroppy when I am tidying up after dinner. I tell him he does nothing and I am pissed off. He says that I clearly can't cope with my life at the moment and that I need to think about my attitude.

I was contemplating apologising to him, but now I have written it down I am furious.

You are right.

But learn from my experience, please.

Being a martyr gets you NOTHING.

Next time you get a day off, you will have to actually leave the house. Go swimming, or sit in a cafe with a book or mag. or go see a friend.

Having time off AT HOME for SAHM never works. Ever. Don't even try it.

So tell him you are disappointed. And make a better plan next time.

Also, don't be a martyr about cooking DH dinner when you don't feel up to it.

Do scrambled eggs on toast. A pizza, a takeaway, whatever. Better than home cooking with bad grace, and COMPLETELY ACCEPTABLE!!! You never signed a contract you were going to do a homecooked meal come hell or high weather.

Now that you have a baby, make sure you look after yourself. Time off+ Time out of the house. that's just how it works.

Good luck!!!

Very cross for you!

He agreed you were having a day off, so he was fine with the concept of it but he was being extremely useless and twattish today. Next time ask him what you will be having for dinner as it's your day off. Tell him what chores will need doing, he's obviously blind to them. Keep repeating that it's your day off whenever he tries to involve you.

Annoying that it seems you have to go out of your own home to have a day off and can't just have a sleep in your own bed.

Your husband is a twat, selfish, entitled, twat. One of those special ones who thinks just because he's working it's his day only/.

When he asked what was for dinner, I would have said I don't know I'm having a day off. Get off the cross - we need the wood

well, he isn't doing 'fuck all'. He is working. I assume he makes the money to pay the bills and buy the food etc?

So that's not nothing.

Any more than what you do is nothing.

That is no more fair to him than he is being to you.

When I was on maternity leave I did everything - all the cleaning, cooking, washing, bathing, getting up in the night. I didn't expect or ask my husband to do a thing.

I thought this was normal. I would do the same if we have another child. The fact that he is working and I am at home makes me believe that it is fair.

When I returned to work after six months he took on his fair share of the housework and looking after the baby.

You don't mention what works your DH does. Is it stressful?

Posie yes you are right he is extremely entitled. He has been spoilt by his mother, who actually said to me recently that she was worried I would be one of those girls nowadays who expect their poor hard working husbands to do an evening feed!

Chandon I will stop being a martyr! The new me begins from now.

He gets up at 9-10am then runs himself a bath and makes a coffee Garcia. Stressful much?

OP he is a total dickwad

Hmm now I am feeling guilty. He finds it stressful, but the problem from my point of view is that it doesn't involve a lot of hours. He enjoys it and finds it fun. He has to keep late hours, lots of socialising, entertaining etc. I see him enjoying himself and doing what he loves and I get jealous I suppose.

I think being a SAHM is not that great for me. I go back to work part-time soon and I can't wait. I think it will be great for us and our relationship.

I would agree a timetable with him if he's working at home, it's not working for you.

Cuppatino - fair enough but he may work longer hours than the usual 9 to 5.

I work from home and can often be speaking to people or sending emails late at night. Just because he gets up later and has a bath does not becessarily mean that he isn't working hard.

You have nothing to feel guilty for. What has changed about his life? Nada. Everything has changed for you OP and it's hard. I'm sure you enjoy your son, but he is taking the biscuit. My DH has always pulled his weight-always bathed the kids, puts one to bed, clears up the kitchen after I cook and he works full time (I'm part time). Sorry but having kids means that you work in partnership. You are working too.

IMO if you work and earn all the money (which I did for many years) it means you work during your work time. If you are a SAHM or SAHD that means you work and look after the kids or house during your partner's work time. Then any evening or free time the chores are shared. I did housework when I worked, I'd clean the house at the weekend. When I got in from work I'd bath and put ds to bed while DH either had a break or cooked some dinner.

You both need down time, so that means share the load.

Does that post make sense? Can't be bothered to rewrite it so sorry if it's a bit unclear.

He is the twat.

Personally I think your DH should count himself lucky that he has ample oppurtunity to spend a fair bit of quality time with your DS- he could easily get up earlier some mornings and take the baby down for breakfast. Maybe not everyday but aleast some days each week. Same with giving him his bath in the evening. Not just so you don't have too but to you know, bond and spend time with his DS.

I'm sure lots of parents wish they had the chance to do that every night/morning. My DP once went 2 entire weeks without seeing DD (only the week days, not weekends admittedly) as he hit traffic every day and by the time he got home she was already snoring away. She didn't suffer (only a baby at the time) but DP felt shitty.

Sit down and have a think about your H's good points. I mean, I can;t see many from what you've posted, but presumably he's got some.
Reading your posts gives the impression of a marriage in terminal decline: he has got himself in the mindset that because he is the income generator in the household, that makes him your boss/owner and that in exchange for your 'keep' you should be on duty 24/7 doing housework and childcare - oh, and letting him have sex on you when he feels like it as well.
It is 100% true that a fair marriage is one in which both partners get the same amount of child-free leisure time.
It is also true that in fair, equal marriages, the couple have more frequent and more enjoyable sex (because nothing kills a woman's libido faster than living with a man who expects sex as yet another service she's supposed to provide him with).

If you point these truths out to your H he may actually shape up - you, after all, loved him enough to marry him. He may be an OK bloke who is so far unthinkingly acting out the pattern of his parents' marriage (Man is Head of Household, Woman is his Appendage/Possession/Fuckable Domestic APplicanc),and he may see that this is wrong, and do his best to change.
He may also tell you not to be stupid, that your expectations are unrealistic and that you should basically Know Your Place. Which is lower down the family hierarchy than him.
Or, unfortunately, he may become aggressive.
I really hope, for your sake, that it's the first option that happens.

go out dont mooch around house,or you will get subsumed into domestic stuff
stop being a martyr and facilitating his laziness. because whether you realise it you are allowing him to do sweet fa
work out responsibilities and tasks between you both

Thanks cuppatino that is how I feel. That his life hasn't changed at all.

When I do say that other people's husbands help with bathtimes etc, he just doesn't get it. He says, well do you help me with my business? No. So we are in a bit of a stalemate. I will try again.

Actually I do think you need to change your attitude. . .

WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING COOKING ON YOUR DAY OFF!!
Woman up!!

And if his attitude is that it's 'your' job, present a bill, expect wages, sick pay and ask where your pension contributions are??

And by my reckoning if you cared for the baby, cooked and tidied up you at most had a half day off.
If I were you I'd have a mental health day tomorrow (fully paid of course) and spend it at the hairdressers/ swiming/ book shop what ever floats your boat and leave him with DC for real.

Well I never said that Garcia, but you tell me of a SAHM with a young child who starts her day at 9-10am? Women at home never stop working until very late either and then basically do a night shift too if they have a poor sleeper.
I work until 10pm for half the week planning lessons and marking, but I certainly don't feel that my DH should do everything for me because of this. Like I said you should be equal partners.

But you do help him with his business-you take care of his son so that he can get on with it. He's going to have a very rude awakening when you return to work isn't he! Please don't tell me that you are going to work outside the home and do everything else too. You need to have a serious talk.

Sounds like my lazy fuckwit of a Dh..

Don't feel guilty, sheesh! I would be having very harsh words with my DP if he was so utterly crap & rude.

Really don't get the whole "well he's out working so I'll do everything whilst on ML" martyr approach. Firstly, if the woman is bringing in maternity pay then she is contributing financially. (The OP says she's returning to work soon so presume she is?) Second, whoever is at home is working just as hard & this should be acknowledged that both of them need breaks. Third, parenting is a joint venture. Yes, whoever is at home will be probably doing more, but evenings/weekend duties should be shared.

StuffingGoldBrass don't worry it isn't aggressive at all here!! He is a lovely man and I do love him very much. You have hit the nail on the head - he is re-creating his parents marriage. His father is the provider, the mother looks pretty, gets up at 5am to make sure everything is perfect (no joke).

scottishmummy - I have lurked on your posts before and always value your input!! I am absolutely facilitating him and I need to stop doing that before things can change.

when you go back work what plans you & dh made for domestic chores,childcare etc?

if you can afford to get a cleaner
online groceries
get yourself a routine of stuff outside house eg gym, friends,cinema.DH watch baby those times
reciprocate and when he out you watch baby
find reliable baby sitter for some couple time