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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to use my own surname?

82 replies

IndigoOrchid · 06/02/2011 17:39

Background... babydaddy and I are in a long term relationship. Neither of us find marriage important otherwise we would do it. Being pg (first child for both) has raised the whole marriage / surname issue. More about practicalities, e.g. would it be easier to get married or sort out the legal stuff in another way?

My thoughts are, I'm not in love with my surname but I've never been comfortable with the wedding business where a girl is handed over from one man to another and takes the new man's surname. Basically my position with any tradition/convention is "why follow it?" rather than "why not?", so even if we did marry it's not certain that I'd "take his name". The admin around informing everyone seems like a pain in the ar$e! Of course it'd be easier if we married aged 16 and didn't have a professional life or a driving license or our own savings accounts Wink.

So while discussing baby names the surname question came up - our names are quite different so it is relevant to choosing the first name. Babydaddy was initially fine either way but now he's had time to think about it, he's more keen on using his name.

Double-barrelling or using one surname as a middle name isn't an option.

What would you do?

OP posts:
aviatrix · 06/02/2011 17:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

msrisotto · 06/02/2011 17:44

Use my own name, if it bothers him that much, he can always change his name.

greedychops · 06/02/2011 17:45

I don't get why if you are not married and sharing a surname, most people just go with the dads surname. I would have wanted a decent discussion to decide, rather than it being assumed the baby would take the dads, but I don't know how yo would decide.

msrisotto · 06/02/2011 17:45

Lol, I'd use my name, i'm not suggesting you take my nae! That would be bizarre!

msrisotto · 06/02/2011 17:45

*name

ZillionChocolate · 06/02/2011 17:46

There's no easy answer. I don't think in your circumstances that his surname trumps yours - you're the one going through labour so I'd let you decide. A friend of mine told me (when I was agonising about whether to change my surname on marriage) that she hadn't encountered any practical difficulties in having a different surname to her child.

What about all changing to a different surname - that'd be mutually inconvenient and fair?

reelingintheyears · 06/02/2011 17:49

I'm not married.
DCs were given their Dads surname because i always thought everyone would know they were my children but not necessarily his.

I have mildly come to regret not giving them mine but only through ignorant people's assumptions.

Doesn't worry me too much though.

JustAnother · 06/02/2011 17:55

I kept my maiden name, but gave DS my DH's name. So I don't have the same name as them, but that's never really a problem. Sometime people assume we are not married, but apart from that, no issues really.

mutznutz · 06/02/2011 17:58

Oh god...'Babydaddy' has to be the most cringe inducing thing I've read in a long while....sorry, I just couldn't not say that!

LadyThumb · 06/02/2011 18:00

Maybe she should give the baby the surname "BabyMummy" if she doesn't want "BabyDaddy"!
Awful, awful expression!

spongebobsquareknickers · 06/02/2011 18:01

I moved my wedding forward to before DS was born so it wasnt a problem. But I have nothing against marriage.

marmy55 · 06/02/2011 18:01

lol at mutz

its the kind of thing you hear on the american Am I the Daddy chat shows

newportstateofmind · 06/02/2011 18:09

I think you should consider who it matters to more. I kept my maiden name, and it didn't bother me whether ds had my name or my husband's, whereas it mattered a lot to him that he had his name, so that's what we went with.

Did give ds my surname as one of his middle names tho, because I wanted it to be recorded somewhere in his name!

LittleMissHissyFit · 06/02/2011 18:09

If you are not married and do not take his name, you run the risk of being asked for proof of the child being related to you when you travel internationally. You may need to carry a letter signed by the child's father to cover this and the birth cert.

I gave DS his fathers name, we are not married. I regret that now.

If you give your DC your surname, and decide to marry later on, automatically you can change your name and the child's birth certificate to reflect the marriage.

THIS is what I would suggest you do.

TheSecondComing · 06/02/2011 18:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
IndigoOrchid · 06/02/2011 18:11

It was meant to be ironic Wink

OP posts:
mutznutz · 06/02/2011 18:14

Oooh thank goodness for that OP. I just had this mental image of your clicking your fingers and saying "Uh huh Girlfriend" and making pigeon movements with your head Blush

Original poster
IndigoOrchid · 06/02/2011 18:20

Ha ha! Yeah I know. I do love him and don't see me with anyone else, I was just acting smart to my MN mates Blush

OP posts:
ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 06/02/2011 18:54

It might be meant to be ironic but I'm another one who cringed at Babydaddy.

Why can't the names be double barrelled or one used as a middle name? (nosy emoticon)

You both need to talk about this and put forward your reasons as to why each of you wants baby to have your name. Also consider some of the comments made in other posts on here.

In my case, I gave the dc my exes name a. because we were planning on getting married although we never did and b. This was nearly twenty years ago, I was different then and for certain reasons I wasn't that keen on my name. However, 18 years down the line my name has kind of grown on me so I wouldn't automatically just give any dc I may have their father's name.

UniS · 06/02/2011 18:58

DS has my family name as one of his middle names, and DHs family name as family name, I use my family name. If and when We travel, DS has my family name in his passport, his full name is there. Everyday stuff we just use first name and family name and the middle ones are not used.

BoattoBolivia · 06/02/2011 19:02

We are married, but I kept my surname (I like it, it's me, it works well professionally, it has an interesting history behind it) Dd and ds have dp's surname, just because he felt more strongly than I did, but they have mine as a middle name, as well as an ordinary middle name.
School often call me Mrs dh but I don't lose any sleep over it. The only time it's really been an issue is at Zurich airport!! Everytime we go through passport control, dd goes with me and they query how we are related!!

frgr · 06/02/2011 19:07

i kept my name, and DH kept his

DCs have doubled up with a hyphen

we discussed it but relatively briefly - i like my surname, DH likes his, so we decided that if either of us couldn't get used to the idea of doubling with a hyphen then we'd toss a coin

luckily our names go quite well together with it, so not a problem

i do find the assumption that children will take the father's name if unmarried very offensive in cases where both partners like or dislike their names in equal measure i.e. not the last of that side of the family or something. one of my friends' partners even had the audacity to get hurt when she raised the question of which name theirs would get - i think his response was something along the lines of "so they might not have my name?" - they ended up seperating anyway so maybe that was just another huge warning bell that he was an utter arse Grin

TimeToStartACHEEKYDiet · 06/02/2011 19:09

My DS1 was given DH then DF surname as i thought it fitted, even though my sister is the only one left on my dads side to carry on my dads surname for my dad as i have got married and i took DH surname - both our kids were called that surname, they would ask questions when older about why i wasnt same name otherwise and then theres having to correct people when they say 'Mrs XX and i say oh no its Miss YY'

confusing.

ningthemerciless · 06/02/2011 19:11

We had the same discussion (though prior to me getting pregnant) and decided that we would do it by sex. So a boy would have his name and a girl would have my name and the middle name would be that of the other.

We had a boy so he is firstname mysurname hisurname. It's worked out well (though said boy is only 14wks old lol).

fedupofnamechanging · 06/02/2011 19:12

I was not married when I had my first DS and I gave my baby my last name rather than his dad's. I really don't like this idea that a baby automatically gets its fathers name and took the view that my name was just as important. I also didn't want to be going to baby clinics etc with a different name to my child. At the time, I considered that I had done all the 'work' of being pg and giving birth and so the baby should not automatically get his dad's name.

That said, when we did get married, I changed both our names. I did this because I liked my DHs name more than mine and to insist on keeping mine was a bit like cutting my nose off to spite my face. If I had liked mine more, then I would have kept it, for myself and subsequent DCs.

Being brutally honest I was also sending a message to my IL's (who were prone to trying to take over), that I was calling the shots with regard to my child. i'm presuming that you don't have these ishoos though, so don't need to consider that angle.

In your position I would make sure that legally I was protected. That is the most important thing. Marriage is the easiest way to do that, but not the only way. Changing your name is not that difficult, if it is that which is putting you off. I'd consider how I would feel if the relationship ended, but I would probably end up choosing the name that I liked best of the two

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