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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to use my own surname?

82 replies

IndigoOrchid · 06/02/2011 17:39

Background... babydaddy and I are in a long term relationship. Neither of us find marriage important otherwise we would do it. Being pg (first child for both) has raised the whole marriage / surname issue. More about practicalities, e.g. would it be easier to get married or sort out the legal stuff in another way?

My thoughts are, I'm not in love with my surname but I've never been comfortable with the wedding business where a girl is handed over from one man to another and takes the new man's surname. Basically my position with any tradition/convention is "why follow it?" rather than "why not?", so even if we did marry it's not certain that I'd "take his name". The admin around informing everyone seems like a pain in the ar$e! Of course it'd be easier if we married aged 16 and didn't have a professional life or a driving license or our own savings accounts Wink.

So while discussing baby names the surname question came up - our names are quite different so it is relevant to choosing the first name. Babydaddy was initially fine either way but now he's had time to think about it, he's more keen on using his name.

Double-barrelling or using one surname as a middle name isn't an option.

What would you do?

OP posts:
redandyellowandpinkandgreen · 06/02/2011 19:13

We had a very long argument debate about this and in the end got married! Not the most romantic of reasons but we decided it was the most practical option. And I wanted to be married anyway so it just forced the issue a bit.

Baby has my maiden name as a middle name.

ChunkyPickle · 06/02/2011 19:16

We picked the dad's surname - simply because it went really well with out favourite first name.

Both our names are quite unusual, and neither would work as middle names, so I feel slightly sad that my name isn't passed on, but not enough to lumber the child with an unwieldy double-barrel, or a ridiculous middle name.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 06/02/2011 19:20

I'm really curious to know why double barrelling or middle name are not an option.

I mean, clearly they are options as in it is legal to do either, so wondering why you have ruled them out.

Dead nosey, me. Grin

re better to marry or make other legal arrangements - either. As long as you are all protected, then it doesn't really matter.

missmehalia · 06/02/2011 19:21

I had friends who had this issue. I think the tradition of using the male surname is pretty archaic. It's all about bloodlines and male pride in continuing the family name. (Can you smell my burning bra?) At my female friend's insistence, they gave their DD a lovely first name, his surname as a second name and then my friend's name as the final name. His family were utterly furious and campaigned hard for the traditional approach. However, my friend stuck to her guns. She felt that she has carried and created that little one, and then birthed her. Why should his surname be the one when he had contributed less to the creation of their daughter? (Of course, he is a great dad. And does loads. But that wasn't the issue for them.)

It's just an old issue. Equally, they're married, but she didn't change her name. She says she didn't become his possession just because they got married - theirs is an equal partnership of two individuals. (She hated the expression 'man and wife'.)

Made me laugh in a way, but certainly got me thinking, too.

janelikesjam · 06/02/2011 19:22

i kept my own name when i married, as i honestly couldn't understand why i would take a man's name. it just felt too strange to me, as if i suddenly became "him" or part of his family for no particular reason. i still think its part of the old-age relationship in patriarchal society.

for the same reason my child i feel should have my name, he grew in me, i gave birth to him and so forth.

but for me its not hard and fast principle. i also think it would depend on the man, how i felt about him, what he was "giving up" for me in return, or if he was going to give me all his money in return .... lol!

funnily enough, i wore a wedding ring happily but perhaps because that was more about fidelity etc..

ChunkyPickle · 06/02/2011 19:26

Well, if it's like me, double-barrel/middle names are an option - but they just don't scan well.

I feel more strongly about a nicely scanning name than my surname being involved.

There's a sentence I never thought I'd type..

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 06/02/2011 19:51

I don't get the reason why people give their dc the father's name in order to let people know he's the father.

If I had another dc and gave them my name and someone asked me if my dp/h was the father I'd be asking them why were they questioning my integrity by suggesting I'd had an affair Hmm

There are dc out there who have the same name as the man who isn't actually their biological father.

Original poster
IndigoOrchid · 06/02/2011 20:39

Thanks for the replies. I posted here to get unbiased opinions on what other people think of the surname issue rather than asking friends or family who may not be honest for whatever reason (saying what they think I want to hear or whatever). For info, our surnames just don't suit double-barrelling. At least we don't think so Smile

Even if we did get married I'd likely retain my maiden name so it's interesting to hear from people who've done that.

OP posts:
Samedi · 06/02/2011 20:41

I worked for a family where mum had a double-barreled surname, married and took his name after her two so she was Firstname Surname1-Surname2 Surname3! He was Hisname Surname3, and their DS was Hisname Surname1-Surname3! Now theres one way around it, utter confusion!

fairtradefloozy · 06/02/2011 20:44

We married three years ago, I am middle 30's., and I have kept my name. Many many people find it very weird and insist on calling me DH's name but am genuinely not that bothered! I know who I am!

We did discuss that if we have kids they would take his name though.

Its a touch choice later in life as you say. Everyone at work knows me as me IYSWIM.

missmehalia · 06/02/2011 20:47

Sounds like lots of common solutions for the baby's surname won't suit you.. do you want you all to have the same surname if/when you get married?

It can feel odd if you all have different ones, and this might impact on the choice you make about your DC's surname now.

missmehalia · 06/02/2011 20:49

Aha, forgot to say, too - sometimes everyone having the same surname in your family is a bonding thing, and sometimes children like it if this is the case. (My DD1 adopted DH's surname by choice when we married, she wanted us all to be seen to be family, iyswim.) Hard to know what your DC will think! Smile

VeggieReggie · 06/02/2011 20:54

My DC have hypenated surnames, as do about a third of each of their school classes.
Use you name and get your DP to swap to yours?
Just give them your surname. If you don't think the names go well together (have you said the both ways round?) then give one name as a middle name, but add another name between that and the surname.

JulesJules · 06/02/2011 20:56

I am married. I kept my own name. The children have my surname as their surname and DH's surname as a middle name.

spidookly · 06/02/2011 21:01

Use your name.

And if you get married, your DP can change his name to yours.

Petsville · 06/02/2011 21:03

I'm married, but use my own name for all purposes. Mainly out of feminist principle, but it's also useful as a way of weeding out cold callers: if I answer the phone and someone says "Is that Mrs DHName?", I know it's not anyone I want to talk to and can just hang up.

I would have liked to give DS my surname, and DH would have been happy with that, but DH is going to be at home with him, and it's going to be tough enough being the only dad at the school gates and the doctor's surgery without him having a different name from the baby. So for practical reasons, and because DH's mother would have been pretty upset if we'd gone with my name (DS is the only grandchild), we used DH's surname. Mine is in there as an extra middle name on the birth certificate and the passport, but we won't use it for any everyday purposes -it's just to indicate our relationship if I am ever travelling alone with DS.

GnomeDePlume · 06/02/2011 21:14

I am married but kept my own surname for a long time after DCs were born. DCs took DHs surname with mine as a middle name (they each have two middle names). We decided that the DCs should have DH's name on the grounds that maternity was quite clear - they were cut out of me. Paternity is less obvious so best if the DCs have their father's name.

As you are having a child I would strongly advise that you get married.

Marriage legally binds you and your DP to each other. You can make most of the same ties through a solicitor but a marriage licence is cheaper

EldritchCleavage · 06/02/2011 22:19

I have kept my maiden name. DS has my surname as a middle name and then DH's surname. All other DCs will have the same, so if in future they want to use both surnames they can.

I would say DO have your surname in there-apart from anything else if you travel with the baby but without 'BabyDaddy' it can save hassle at passport control.

TinyPawz · 06/02/2011 23:37

I was still single when I got pregnant with DD and had planned on giving DD my maiden name.

stb Xh & I got married before DD was born, so DD & I then had his name.

However, since stbXh & I split, I have changed my & DD surname back to my maiden name by deed poll. I am in the middle of trying to get her name changed on her birthcert.

zipzap · 07/02/2011 00:48

Use my maiden name after getting married by dc have dh's surname.

Lots happened around time of dc1's birth; we'd spend so long trying to figure out what his first names were going to be and then didn't really have a chance or even get around to thinking about surnames. just blindly registered it using dh's surname.

in hindsight really regretted not adding my name in at least as a middle name - would have sounded pretty rubbish as a double barrelled name but would have liked to have done that if they sounded ok.

when dc2 came along I wanted to add my name in as a middle name but dh didn't want to as he didn't think it would be fair on ds1 if he didn't have it, it should be both or neither of them have it and he didn't want to get involved with changing ds1's name by deedpoll.

Also had problems choosing name for ds2 (had loads of girls names, hey ho) and ended up with a middle name I really didn't want, to the point that as we were registering it I burst into tears Blush and the registrar said she didn't have anyone coming in after us if we wanted to discuss it a bit more. but no, dh was happy and couldn't think of anything else (ie didn't like the other names i preferred) and I wasn't very well second time around so it all just got registered Sad

just realised that makes dh sound bad, he's not at all really, was more me being useless at the time and not having the energy to stick up more for what I thought would have been better.

Opinionatedfreak · 07/02/2011 02:05

I think even if it sounds terrible, in an unmarried relationship, you should add your surname to the child's name as an (?unused) middle name.

If you are intending to 'not' get married please visit a solicitor and make sure that you get all the legal ends tied up.

midtowner · 07/02/2011 02:16

I kept my maiden name. DS's have DH's surname. I have an observation in my passport saying "holder is also known as Mrs myinitials DH'ssurname".

I travel a lot with DS's, and we usually get asked coming into the UK. Last time we were asked how we were related I was so tired and jetlagged that I replied "father and daughter" Blush

kickassangel · 07/02/2011 02:26

i thought it used to be the case that you couldn't give a child the dad's name unless you were married or he was there to register it (like about 50 years ago). it was a way of making clear that the child was born 'out of wedlock'. so giving the kid the dad's name is a bit of a modern finger's up to that tradition.

i could be wrong!

though wiki indicates that i'm at least half right
'Henry VIII (1491?1547) ordered that marital births be recorded under the surname of the father.[6]'

confuddledDOTcom · 07/02/2011 02:35

If you are not married and do not take his name, you run the risk of being asked for proof of the child being related to you when you travel internationally. You may need to carry a letter signed by the child's father to cover this and the birth cert.

My parents and my sister (who has a different name to me because she's married) took my eldest on holiday abroad when she was two, everyone assumed she was my sister's baby and didn't ask questions.

We've given our children his name, except our angel baby who has both names and the registrar said she usually advises against it but as she was registering a dead baby she saw the point, we're getting married and I will be changing my name - I can't wait, I'm going from having a John Smith type name to being the only person ever with the name in any variation.

MommyMayhem · 07/02/2011 02:42

After we married, I started using my DH's name for a while but reverted back to my maiden name. This was because his family are not very nice and have made it clear that I am not welcome into their family. For this reason, I didn't feel comfortable using 'their' surname.

Our son originally had my DH's surname, but due to problems above I decided (fairly recently) that I wanted our names double-barrelled. So we changed our son's surname by Deed Poll so he now has both our names.

Sorry, that's not really helpful to the OP, but thought I'd share.