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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... to use my own surname?

82 replies

IndigoOrchid · 06/02/2011 17:39

Background... babydaddy and I are in a long term relationship. Neither of us find marriage important otherwise we would do it. Being pg (first child for both) has raised the whole marriage / surname issue. More about practicalities, e.g. would it be easier to get married or sort out the legal stuff in another way?

My thoughts are, I'm not in love with my surname but I've never been comfortable with the wedding business where a girl is handed over from one man to another and takes the new man's surname. Basically my position with any tradition/convention is "why follow it?" rather than "why not?", so even if we did marry it's not certain that I'd "take his name". The admin around informing everyone seems like a pain in the ar$e! Of course it'd be easier if we married aged 16 and didn't have a professional life or a driving license or our own savings accounts .

So while discussing baby names the surname question came up - our names are quite different so it is relevant to choosing the first name. Babydaddy was initially fine either way but now he's had time to think about it, he's more keen on using his name.

Double-barrelling or using one surname as a middle name isn't an option.

What would you do?

OP posts:

VagosaurusRex · 07/02/2011 08:52

I have travelled internationally with my DD, who not only has a different surname to me, but also a different passport. Went through 3 separate immigration desks, no one batted an eyelid. (and if that's the biggest inconvenience to having different surnames, then it's not really that bad, is it?)

LowestofttoNZ · 07/02/2011 09:12

Zipzap, I have had almost exactly the same situation as you. My DTD have their father's surname, which I absolutely hate.

Before we were married, we were in a shop, being served by a friend of a friend and when she asked for his name, she actually laughed. I was mortified for him and since then (well, probably before that if I'm honest) I decided that I didn't want to be saddled with that, or have people think that I am Dutch.

It took us about 3 weeks to name them (first names) partly because every name had to be thought about in conjunction with the surname - when it came down to filling out the birth registration forms, I did everything but the surname. I just could not bring myself to write that name in. When I finally had to, I cried for quite some time. In hindsight, I don't know why on earth I did not put my surname in as a middle name - it certainly would not work hyphenating the 2 names - but at least my name would be there.

My advice would be to sit on it for as long as possible, but if you have a gut feeling about it one way or the other, go with it. I wish I had.

DH has been WONDERFUL about everything, including me not taking his name and I think that I just felt that I would really hurt him if I didn't give them his name. Over the past couple of days though, I have really been wondering whether I can make any kind of amendment to their birth certificates - but I guess that my chance has gone.

Think hard...

westerngirl · 07/02/2011 09:26

We'e married and we tossed a coin. Before tossing the coin we were considering using my mothers maided name.

When the hospital staff were filling in forms, they asked us what his first name was. We said we didn't know. They then asked us what his surname was. We said we didn't know that either but we were considering one but it wasn't either of ours. Did we get a glazed look.

westerngirl · 07/02/2011 09:30

typos, typos. We're married. maiden name. his=son.

fedupofnamechanging · 07/02/2011 10:19

LowestofttoNZ I think that if your babies are less than a year old, it's not too late to get the birth certificate altered. If you really dislike their last name I think you could alter it by deed poll, if your DH was willing.

confuddledDOTcom · 07/02/2011 10:22

You can also change the name if you use it for more than a year and can prove it. I'm hoping we can change my youngest's name because the accent was put on the wrong letter so it should be easy enough to prove. Unfortunately for most of her first year her dad was working away so we couldn't change it.

kickassangel · 07/02/2011 13:01

actually, just remembered, i worked with someone who hated her dh 2b surname. it contained 'dick' as part of it, and we were teachers, so you can see why. they BOTH changed their names to something else - one of their grandparents' names i think.

so basically, you can make it up & do what you want.

dh's surname is not the one he was born with. it's his step-dad's name. his step-dad grew up in an orphanage & was given a surname out of a list.

LowestofttoNZ · 09/02/2011 10:11

karmabeliever, thanks for that advice. I'll certainly look into it - I wonder if the rules are different over here... I got another comment about it when I was in the chemists today, after the chemist couldn't find the prescription because he was looking under the wrong letter.

I don't think that dh would allow their surname to be changed fully, I think I'd be happy if mine could just be added into it. Despite there being 6 'children' in my generation, we have only managed to produce 1 boy to carry on the family name. That;s probably part of it too. Thank you!

strandedpolarbear · 09/02/2011 10:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kione · 09/02/2011 10:45

Very likely that all the feminists will jump to my throat but here is my experience.

My mum was a single mum and I had her name. I never knew who mym dad was until a few years ago, and I hated it, I hated being different, having my mums name (I am spanish, in Spain women don't change their names at marriage and kids take the dads) meant dad was most deffinitely not around, well now is different, but in my time it felt horrible, I was called the daughter of the sin, can yoou imagine???

Anyway, now I am in a long term relationship and not married, and it was me who wanted DD to have DP's surname. Mi surname is quite pretty so its her middle name. So hopefully they will still know at school that I am her mum looking at our names, but I'd like to get married so there is no chance of a doubt!

I know now things are different, modern, etc. but this is my personal experience.

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 09/02/2011 10:50

Kione I'm sorry to hear of your experience. My mum was a single parent too and I had her surname (still do). I was treated with nothing but kindness by the adults around me, who all knew that my mum was a lp. I was born early 70s.

mannicmummyhavinaiccy · 09/02/2011 10:57

I have been with my DP for 11 years, have DD10, DS3 and due DD2 in 3 week, all have/will have my surname, It for me was never a queasion, I am there mum, why shouldnt they have my name?! I wasnt going to be the odd one out of the family, the only one with a diffrent surname! DP hated this, and even though we discused it before, he through a masive tantrum in the registry office! an 10 years down the line the 'inlaws' still refuse to use my name for DC (and infact they hate my choise of 1st names as well, so call them by what ever they feel like! but they hate me anyay!) but I feel as a stay at home mum that does everything for them, why shouldnt they have my name? and my daughter always says how proud she is to have my name :)

Kione · 09/02/2011 11:49

Thank you ChaoticAngelofAnarchy the adults around me where fine too, I went to a very "modern" school too so teachers where cool, it was the other kids that where evil. I was called the daughter of the sin by an 10-11 year old when I was 8

PipkinMama · 09/02/2011 11:51

Do bear in mind what LittleMissHissyFit said, it happened to me. DD has my surname as her middle name and DP's (her father)surname (we're engaged, I'll keep my surname when we get married). Last time we went to the US me and DD went a week earlier than DP and the immigration officer gave me a really hard time because our surnames are different, he said he had no proof that I was DD's mother and that I should have a letter signed by DP saying that I am her mother and that he gives his permission for her to travel with me!! I was very surprised and quite scared at one point, I thought he wasn't going to let us in the country. The fact that my (unusual) surname was DD's middle name on her passport seemed to mean nothing to me.

Knowing this I wouldn't have named DD any differently but next time I travel with her alone I'll take a letter with me.

PipkinMama · 09/02/2011 11:52

Sorry, meant to type 'seemed to mean nothing to him

Kione · 09/02/2011 12:05

PipkinMama It happened to my friend, but her case was a bit more confusing because she is half african, and her child is totally white! So following her advice I always travel with DD's birth certificate, just in case.

PipkinMama · 09/02/2011 12:20

Kione Sorry to hear about your friend's travelling problems and thanks for the birth certificate idea, makes perfect sense and don't know why I haven't thought of it before!

confuddledDOTcom · 09/02/2011 18:24

I give my parents a letter everytime they take my children away that says they have permission to take her away and to seek medical attention if necessary. They've never used it and even thought my married sister (so Mrs Different Name) was her mother.

blimp72 · 09/02/2011 18:39

Hi indigo i've been with my DP for 15 yrs and we have 2 DD's both have his surname it bugged my after a while then i fiqured if they get married then there name will probably change anyway so why worry, I've never had a problem with my name being different from theirs although it's difficult to explain it to a 7 and 3 yr old haha. Good luck with your baby i'm sure you'l be to busy when the baby comes to worry about the surname xx

vj32 · 09/02/2011 20:48

You also have to think about it from a child's point of view. It is annoying to have to explain to people all the time that yes, Miss X or Mr Y is your parent even though they have a different name to you. It is much more common now than when I was having to do it 20 years ago, but because of my experience I always knew I wanted to be married, if possible, before having a baby to solve this name problem. Its also about identity if you all have the same name, or at least variations of the same names!

That said, if I hadn't disliked my name so much I wouldn't have automatically dropped my surname in favour of my husbands when we married.

Kione · 10/02/2011 11:47

Where I live, in the hospital she was born they didn't even ask her name, they just call her baby x=mothers surname, to all of them, I think it makes sense, since regardless what her surname is going to be, she is not registered yet and is like "one" with mum all the time they are there.

Kione · 10/02/2011 11:48

I agree woth vj32

Rannaldini · 10/02/2011 11:50

I kept my name
double barreling wasn't an option for me as our names are ridiculous together
the squids have my h's name which is less comedic than my own

Jehovah18 · 25/02/2020 05:31

My daughter is having her first child. Her boyfriend said he would move in but before the baby was born but he hasn't. He comes and goes, doesnt contribute financially to the bills or for things needed for the baby. He's insisting on the baby having his surname. How will this affect her legally and in terms of financial support. They don't plan on being a couple after the baby is born.

LangSpartacusCleg · 25/02/2020 05:42

Stick with tradition. Traditionally, a baby has the mother’s surname. (Traditionally, parents were also married and the mother had already taken the father’s name).

The hospital will call the baby ‘Baby Mother’sSurname’ until you come up with another name for her.

Never say ‘BabyDaddy’ again!

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