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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have never in my life experienced someone in a restaurant refusing to pay their fair share

419 replies

activate · 06/02/2011 10:09

it was so embarrassing ended up with me and Friend B paying over the odds to make up for it

Chinese so all sharing all dishes, china tea, prawn crackers etc

Family A - Mum (not eating but drinks tea), Dad (only ordered soup, but gorged on everything else on table)and 18 year old

Family B - 2 adults

and US - 2 adults, 2 kids (one a 6 year old who barely eats)

Family A mum said he only ordered soup so we're only paying for one adult

divided by 8 (there were 9 of us but she didn't eat) bill was just under £20 each

she said we only pay for what we ordered
she repeated it despite minor protestations that he'd eaten everything - her 18 year old was mortified

I ended up paying £80, Family B paid £50 and Family A £20

am still aghast

would you do it? would you say anything after the fact? am so tempted to email and say wtf were you thinking you fucking freak (she a relative not a friend)

OP posts:
pigletmania · 06/02/2011 17:34

What tightwads! If you go out for a meal you pay your fair share. why the heck was the husband just drinking soup when the idea was to go out for a meal, bet he had a cheeky McDs on the way back. Dont go out with them again.

pigletmania · 06/02/2011 17:38

Some people are so stingy that they would avoid ordering themselves and scoff other peoples like the dh.

MrsTittleMouse · 06/02/2011 17:54

Yes, that's right, just because we wince at the bill when we split, we are cheapskates and charge when we have friends around for dinner. Hmm

We do pay up, by the way. We just eat out with friends a lot less than we'd like instead.

Do you all have friends who have the same financial circs as you, by the way? Because that's the only way that splitting works.

MisSalLaneous · 06/02/2011 18:02

If I'm skint, I go to the pub where you can pay for your own share separately. I think it's a bit tacky going to a restaurant and then start nitpicking over the bill. (Excluding of course if you explained a situation in advance, in which case everyone knows the deal and it's not awkward.)

Saying that, if I went out for a meal where one person takes the mick - whether that be refusing to pay for their share or, the other extreme, ordering 23 cocktails whilst everyone else has one glass of wine - I wouldn't go out with them again in future.

HHLimbo · 06/02/2011 18:04

Hear hear Ms TittleMouse.

Clearly the OP doesnt want to share food with people unless they are as rich as her. You should have forseen the problem when family A only ordered for their child, and a bit of soup - if that doesnt highlight that they are financially stuggling, I dont know what does!

To have then treated the meal like it was all shared and lets all split the bill is so incredibly insensitive and rude on the OPs part, I am shocked. No wonder they are not friends!

MisSalLaneous · 06/02/2011 18:06

And whilst I'm at at - I HATE when someone (thinking particular work lunch situation here - say they'll pay with their card, but then, just before paying, counts up how much cash in there already, and then just pay the difference between that and full bill by card. Which means my tip, which is usually good if the service was, subsidise their meal. This is why I'm not so keen on group work lunches, it irritates me endlessly.

Original poster
activate · 06/02/2011 18:08

Am back

Yes I believe we paid over the odds but I'm not grumbling about it If we'd paid our own order it would've been about £65 but I'm not complaining at all about paying £80

Texts were not from me (don''t have the bollocks) but from their 18 year old to my 16 year old about embarrassment and plans to come over next weekend - DS1 did not tell me much just that he was taking the piss.

OP posts:
sb6699 · 06/02/2011 18:10

OMG, I have a tale that I think tops this.

My friend was celebrating her 30th and her aunt convinced her to hold it at the restaurant she worked in as she gets a discount. It was in the run up to Christmas so my friend thought this was great as alot of us were struggling.

At the end of the meal the aunt announces that the discount covered the cost of her meal and drinks so she wasnt chipping in a single penny - not even a tip!

My poor friend was mortified and her sisters were furious but didnt want to say anything in case they ruined my friends birthday.

HHLimbo · 06/02/2011 18:12

I agree MisSal, The people who argue strongly for 'lets all just split the bill' are the ones who ordered the most expensive things on the menu, the cocktails, liqueurs, etc.

OP - next time go to a pub where you can all pay for meals separately (if there is a next time!)

Original poster
activate · 06/02/2011 18:12

THEY ARE NOT BROKE - THEY ARE NOT POOR

they own their main home outright and have a half-share in another one - he has his own busines and she works part time - they have one child left at home.

they are not struggling - they are spongers

OP posts:
Original poster
activate · 06/02/2011 18:13

there will be NO NEXT TIME!

OP posts:
softglowsandmaybes · 06/02/2011 18:14

activate, i hate people like that - you often find it though, the ones with money never wanting to part with it, tis a pretty sad way to go on if you ask me!

traceybath · 06/02/2011 18:16

I can't recall going out since university where the bill just wasn't split.

I live rurally so nearly always drive when out with friends but still split the bill as often a non-alcholic drink is the same price as a glass of wine from a shared bottle.

I think family A were totally unreasonable and do find it odd that someone goes out for dinner and just sits drinking tea as well.

HHLimbo · 06/02/2011 18:18

When we go out for meals, the men often end up eating the leftovers from our plates - they just have bigger stomachs!
But we still all pay our fair share, roughly according to what we ordered.

Well you know what to look out for in future OP - if they havent ordered anything to share, you must assume they dont want to share/are not hungry.

Foreverondiet · 06/02/2011 18:26

I haven't read whole thread but I would email them and say that:

a) you were so embarassed about what happened
b) you think they were totally wrong to come out for a meal, eat it and then not agree to pay for what they ate for (fair enough if she didn't eat anything) but he ate his soup plus the other food.
c) You don't think that you'll ever be going to a restuarant with them again.

The only time I refused to split was the drinks bill when I was at a work thing and I was pregnant, it was around £40 each and I'd drunk nothing at all, but no one else minded as they knew I hadn't drunk anything.

MisSalLaneous · 06/02/2011 18:28

Ah no, sorry if it wasn't clear - when I said "fair share", I meant divided by however many people were there (unless agreed diff in advance due to circumstances). If broke, I go to a pub. I find it really awkward if people are funny with money in public or give a tip to the nearest penny.

Work lunches different, so there I don't mind going for whatever the norm is. But with friends, I like socialising with like-minded people. Nothing wrong with someone preferring things different, but it spoils the situation in my mind, so I'd rather not.

Also, when suggesting a meal out when I know someone is broke, I would either say "our treat this time", or invite them to a meal at our place.

(OP, not meant regarding your OP, I'm completely with you.)

HHLimbo · 06/02/2011 18:29

Yes that is odd tracey. OP did you ask why they werent joining in with the meal? Even in my skint student days, we would just save up so we could afford a meal out, and were happy to split the bill if we ordered similar things. If one person ordered very differently, then theyd probably pay a bit more/less.

The only way I can think that I wouldnt have been happy to split the bill is if others had insisted on going somewhere out of my price range, which might have forced me to stick to soup?

MisSalLaneous · 06/02/2011 18:32

Foreveronadiet, I don't agree. It would just be really awkward and create hard feelings forever. It's just £15, but I agree with what's said earlier - it's the principle. Starting a fight over it would not be worth the hassle for OP though - they've said what they wanted at the meal.

I think just let this go, OP. Yes, be annoyed as hell, but don't say anything to them. However, should they ever suggest going out again, explain why you'd rather not be in such an awkward situation again.

HHLimbo · 06/02/2011 18:36

If he has his own business it could be struggling at the moment?

I would email, yes, but leave out the "you fucking freak" bit.

HHLimbo · 06/02/2011 18:40

^ I would email out of concern, not to berate them and create (more) bad feelings.

Arneb · 06/02/2011 18:47

With family and friends I have also been lucky - its been made clear before hand who will pay for what and on the rare occasions with family it has not we have never been asked or expected to subsidies others - or if we have it is very soon repaid usually next meal not that I would bear a grudge.

The assumption that with Chinese and Indian food that food is pooled and shared and bill split is just odd. My DH comes from a background with friends and family were the food is pooled what ever and the bill may be split or pooled as per-prior agreement. My parents even when it is us or them definitely paying the bill do not pool food - and often order the same dishes as others. This behaviour infuriates my DH.

Perhaps it is not so much that this family A were hard up - though sometimes actual state of finances such as short term money worries can be obscure to outsiders - more a resentment that money was going on this meal?

Could it also as the actual amount was only fifteen pounds more than paying own bills - that the behaviour is resentment directed at activate family. That for real of imaged reasons family A woman feels her family has subsided activate family for years and she was making a very public stand designed to stop this one way or another?

expatinscotland · 06/02/2011 18:50

Just don't go out with them again. Really.

If there's a group going, find out if they are going. If they are, decline and tell whoever is organising it why.

Original poster
activate · 06/02/2011 18:57

ROFL at ARNEB's psuedo-psychobabble

she has never subsidised us - she has never subsidised anyone as far as I'm awre - she didn't even pay her fair share of the last family celebration but took the credit for it

she is a freak who I do not wish to see again

OP posts:
bentneckwine1 · 06/02/2011 19:03

I have started requesting separate bills when I eat out with my sister - and I know she doesn't like it.

But there are four of them (including two teenagers) whilst there is only me and DS.

I wouldn't have minded if she suggested splitting the bill 6 ways and I pay 2 shares whilst she pays 4. But she only ever put in half the money and split the bill in two because there were two families!!

Original poster
activate · 06/02/2011 19:06

that sounds totally fair bent

OP posts: