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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have never in my life experienced someone in a restaurant refusing to pay their fair share

419 replies

activate · 06/02/2011 10:09

it was so embarrassing ended up with me and Friend B paying over the odds to make up for it

Chinese so all sharing all dishes, china tea, prawn crackers etc

Family A - Mum (not eating but drinks tea), Dad (only ordered soup, but gorged on everything else on table)and 18 year old

Family B - 2 adults

and US - 2 adults, 2 kids (one a 6 year old who barely eats)

Family A mum said he only ordered soup so we're only paying for one adult

divided by 8 (there were 9 of us but she didn't eat) bill was just under £20 each

she said we only pay for what we ordered
she repeated it despite minor protestations that he'd eaten everything - her 18 year old was mortified

I ended up paying £80, Family B paid £50 and Family A £20

am still aghast

would you do it? would you say anything after the fact? am so tempted to email and say wtf were you thinking you fucking freak (she a relative not a friend)

OP posts:
Arneb · 06/02/2011 19:08

ROFL at ARNEB's psuedo-psychobabble

Did I hit a nerve then?

I do have a friend who has spent years seething with resentment because she has - in her view ( no idea if it true)- subsided one of her DH relatives. She threatens to not pay at the end of meals but always caves.

Honest if she is like this with everyone that what is the issue ? It was predictable that this was happen avoid the situation in the future. People like this do not change.

kazmus · 06/02/2011 19:10

we had this with a group who would go out after theatre visits, one bloke always offered to go up and settle the bill, which was fine until we worked out that everyone had put in what they owed plus a tip and he only ever settled what was on the bill and used the tip to pay for his share!!!!!

Original poster
activate · 06/02/2011 19:13

Doesn't "hitting a nerve" mean that you've said something that defined a truth or fact? Whereas you haven't.

LOL

OP posts:
bentneckwine1 · 06/02/2011 19:16

activate Thanks for that...my sister doesn't see my point and I can hear it in her voice when she finishes her order and tells the waitress that I will be ordering individually.

Last year we went on holiday and I ended up putting the same amount of money in a 'kitty' for shopping and days out. Never Again. My New Year's Resolution was to learn to be more assertive with her...(lots of other issues LOL)

Tramadol · 06/02/2011 19:17

As a vegetarian I am another one who dislikes the idea of pooling food in Chinese and Indian restaurants. As mentioned earlier, what I order is usually the only thing that I can eat yet everyone wants their share of 'mine'.

nomoreheels · 06/02/2011 19:25

Mahraih, politeness to me is not having the cheek to expect your co-diners to subsidise your meal just because you fancied expensive mains & wines.

I don't mind splitting the bill when it's a group of 4 who all roughly ordered the same. And I don't mind rounding up what I put in by £5 if I have to. But I refuse to add £20 when a) I chose my meal carefully because I'm on a budget and b) others have decided to "forget" they had that third bottle of wine or refuse to tip. I can't afford to regardless.

Oh, and I love the comment that you shouldn't eat out if you can't afford to split the bill. How dare we try to have a nice evening out on the rare occasions we can afford to, huh?

Arneb · 06/02/2011 19:29

You post came across as very defensive to me that was all I meant Grin.

If woman A is as bad as you say then she has a lifetime of such behaviour behind her. An e-mail to them is unlikely to fundamentally change her though might make you bit better. I can not see you getting you fifteen pound back or an apology either so really you never want to be in the situation again. This episode gives you perfect excuse to avoid it in the future by avoiding her or avoid ambiguity at end of meals by sorting it all out before explicitly so everyone knows what is happening rather than assume everyone is thinking the same way as you.

Gay40 · 06/02/2011 19:30

I'm with LeQ on the relaxed attitude. I've been skint and my friends have paid for my dinner in the past without mentioning it ever. So I'm very happy, in an odd reversal of fortune, to pay for dinner when we go out these days. Because for sure things will turn again and they'll have money and I won't.
I think it does even out eventually, but I couldn't bear the calcuations.

chelstonmum · 06/02/2011 19:30

I have to say we are a straight split regardless kind of family.....it all tends to even out over time.

However we took a friend and her OH out for dinner as a 'thank you'. They arrived over an hr before us (6pm) as it was near their home, and DH and I made our way after meetings. We arrived at 7.30pm, when we should have as table booked for 8pm. In that time they had several g&t's, a bottle of £38 wine.........telling the barman to simply pop it on the bill!

Gay40 · 06/02/2011 19:33

I couldn't stand that either - going out for dinner with someone who thought it was OK to take advantage.

Arneb · 06/02/2011 19:33

Personally I enjoy the meal more knowing that the bill is sorted out and everyone is aware of how it's being paid. I am less anxious knowing I have the money to cover it rather than hoping but then I suppose I have a tighter budget than some on here.

HHLimbo · 06/02/2011 20:01

Anreb - I thought she doth protest too much also Wink

NancyDrewHasaClue · 06/02/2011 20:18

OP - I agree that Family A was totally out of order but why would you email?

Unless family B are friends of yours, who didn't know family A, thus you feel totally embarassed by your family members behaviour in front of them, what would it achieve? The time at which to make a stand was when she was being a tight arsed bitch who refused to pay for even her tea.

Figgyrolls · 06/02/2011 20:35

nomoreheels

For the hen night can I suggest you let the organiser know in advance that you WILL NOT be drinking and therefore will contribute a little to the hen's drinking (quite often I have been somewhere where you pay for the hen too iyswim) but know that everyone will want to have a blinding night and therefore ....or suggest a £15 start off - as your contribution - and then don't pay for any more/get your own drinks from the bar.

Although now I find that soft drinks can be just as pricey as some alcoholic ones, but I feel for you - this happened loads whilst pg 1st time and we went out to take advantage - 2nd time round others had all had babies so knew how irritating it was. We also had a mate who would buy the most expensive bottles of wine on the wine list, so we now laugh about him and tell him he isn't allowed to have it!

Back to read the rest of the thread!

SpawnChorus · 06/02/2011 20:59

I'm in the splitting-of-bills camp, although in practice I rarely have the balls to suggest it.

Whe I was a student I was vegetarian and (involuntarily) teetotal. If I went out with friends I would always be subbing them by £20+ when we split the bill. It literally cost me about three times more than my actual meal. No one ever acknowledged this and it was pretty galling.

I can drink moderately now so the discrepancy is less, but I still end up paying more than my fair share. And if I'm out with someone who is eating less / not drinking I always insist on splitting the bill in their favour.

I think it's the greedy fuckers that tend to airily suggest splitting it equally.

hester · 06/02/2011 21:02

Pre-children, I used to visit a friend who had a baby and was always broke. I was earning well so took her out for lunch a couple of times. As the years went by, she kept having small children and clearly expecting for me to pay for all of them - and her husband too, when he chugged along.

It began to get very expensive, and I started to feel just a teensy bit resentful as there was no reciprocal hospitality (I wouldn't expect her to pay for a restaurant meal, but the odd offer to prepare bread and soup in her house would have been nice).

I didn't want to resent her, so on my next trip I switched from lunch to meeting for a coffee in a hotel. She turns up with her four kids, plus a friend with her three kids. I had never met friend before, had no idea she was coming. They proceeded to order full meals for all the children (I had coffee, as per the arrangement). Then, when the bill came, friend's friend says to me, "Oh, x says that you'll pay; you always do".

I honestly don't know where people get this level of brass neck from. (I have one, token, multimillionaire friend and I wouldn't DREAM of expecting her to pick up the tab as routine; she just has to accept that we eat in restaurants that I can afford.) Of course, they get away with it because chumps like me are too embarrassed to call them on it.

DuelingFanjo · 06/02/2011 21:05

hester, on that occasion did you actually pay?!

BaroqueAroundTheClock · 06/02/2011 21:08

OMG Hester - that's bloody cheeky Shock!

chelstonmum · 06/02/2011 21:09

Hester, words fail me. I thought I was hard done by with the greedy drunks! x

nomoreheels · 06/02/2011 21:14

Hester, that's shockng - I'd dump that friend pretty quick!

Thanks for the hen meal advice. It's actually a bit complicated as it's a joint stag/hen meal. It starts with a wine tasting at their house (which I'm skipping) then the posh meal. I know soft drinks won't be dearer as this place has a good wine list where most start at £25. Due to the wine tasting, I think people are going to be pretty merry & ordering freely. The complication is that my DP is best man & really wants me there, but as it happens we won't know many people there either, which makes it awkward to deal with cost issues. Still, I know I can only afford my meal & a small contribution towards the hen/stag's drinks/meal, so will just have to endure Annoyed Looks if it happens.

RiojaLover75 · 06/02/2011 21:14

Hester I hope you just paid for your coffee! Grin

oxfordlass · 06/02/2011 21:19

Hester..that's unbelievable - how cheeky and rude of them!! I hope you didn't pay?

expatinscotland · 06/02/2011 21:28

I'm with Gay and LeQueen. If I'm too skint to go out, I tell my mates at the time of the invitation. Say, sorry, can't make it I'm smashed. Often enough, mates will spot you then when you do go out it's just split.

But I also don't hang out with pisstakers so everyone ends up eating and drinking foods and beverages that are roughly the same in cost.

expatinscotland · 06/02/2011 21:31

I hope you learned your lesson, hester!

The second she turned up with the husband, the game would have been up had it been me.

No more invites for free lunches.

That's not a friend, that's a leech.

expatinscotland · 06/02/2011 21:34

'Of course, they get away with it because chumps like me are too embarrassed to call them on it.'

Exactly my point further down the thread (apparently, that makes me a cow for calling people on it).

People like this are a) not on the bones of their arse, usually b) not stupid and know exactly what they are doing.

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