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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off about the reaction to my son's bereavement

137 replies

elizadoestoomuch · 05/02/2011 20:57

My Exp has recently died - he is the father of my DS.
People I regarded as good friends have actively avoided the subject with DS despite me saying how much he needs support.
How can they ignore what he is going through?
These friends are people that I have gone out of my way to help and to support and yet when it comes to something big like a bereavement they are nowhere to be found.
My son needs acknowledgment about what he is going through. But apart from a couple of friends I've heard nothing. I AM prepared to lose friendships over this.
Please tell me if IABU and how would you react to a child who had lost a parent?

OP posts:
mutznutz · 05/02/2011 21:00

A lot of people are very awkward in these situations...they don't know what to say so they avoid the subject completely Sad

SecretNutellaFix · 05/02/2011 21:00

People are very bad at dealing with adults about grief, let alone with children. I'll be honest, I wouldn't know how to behave.

I can remember however, when my dad died I was 10 and I had people who would just refuse to mention him in case I got upset. Then there were the people who told me Dad would be proud at how well we were doing and that I had to make sure I looked after Mum, as she needed my help now.

It hurt. But I didn't have anyone to talk to. At All.

Sorry if this isn't terribly helpful.

MrsNonSmoker · 05/02/2011 21:01

My DDs were not bereaved but they did suffer a traumatic experience, and even our closest friends backed off. I'll never forget it, I still don't know why. I think there is something in human nature that makes people want to take a step back when something truly awful happens, as those same people have been very supportive in more "minor" events. I am so sorry for what has happened to your DS, can you get him involved in a child bereavement project e.g., Winston's Wish or something like that (there are regional variations) ?

And of course, YANBU.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 05/02/2011 21:01

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

People often don't know what to do so they avoid it.

It is quite common for people to cross the road to avoid the recenty bereaved Sad

I would suggest talking to them. Telling them exactly what your son needs. Specifics.

If they choose to still avoid it all, then tbh, I would cut them out.

How would I react to a child who had lost a parent - I would talk to the surviving parent and ask them what, if anything, they would like me to do and how they felt I could be of help.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 05/02/2011 21:06

YANBU.

But it is how people are.

People find bereavement difficult to deal with anyway but add a child (either the death of a child or a child losing someone) and they cannot deal at all.

There is a bereaved parents thread on here. I am sure noone would mind you asking for advice on there. We are all very friendly.

Suchffun · 05/02/2011 21:06

Sorry for your loss, and your sons loss. I lost a parent at three and I wish to high heaven that I had grown up with people talking about her. My friend's children's father died when they were young and I often chat about him with them.

I don't blame you for feeling outraged. What are your ex's family like? They could be an important support
for your DS.

Best wishes to you both.

ArsMamatoria · 05/02/2011 21:06

YANBU to be hurt and incredibly angry by the lack of support.

People can be rubbish with grief and avoid you because they don't know what to say or assume that the words they do have are so inadequate they may as well not be said.

I would imagine that this is compounded by your DS being a child (how old is he?)- people often find it impossible to talk to other people's children about the really big stuff.

It is shameful, absolutely shameful that they haven't even contacted you though.

HOw about sending out an email explaining how important it is for them not to avoid the subject and how much your DS needs support? Might give them the kick up the bum they deserve.

I am so sorry that your DS and you are having to go through this.

bubblewrapped · 05/02/2011 21:09

You are not being unreasonable, but I can only agree with what others have said. Some people feel very awkward trying to discuss something so personal, and feel more comfortable not talking about it.

You are saying to people that your son needs support, but they may not even realise that you are asking THEM for the support.

Its a very delicate subject and I think you may have to be more up front in what you say to your friends.

pointylug · 05/02/2011 21:11

Have you specifically told your friends how they can give support?

Is it going to help or hinder your son if you lost friends because they weren't acting in the right way to his grief?

pointythings · 05/02/2011 21:13

I think the other posters are right, people do find this topic very hard to handle. My MIL died suddenly earlier this week and we are making a point of telling our circle of friends taht it is OK to talk about it to us and to our DCs - we are trying to take a positive view. My aunt called us tonight, having heard the news from my mum - we haven't been in touch bar the occasional email for over 3 years despite the fact that we love ach other like crazy. Now she's coming to stay over Easter and it'll be great. I told DH and the girls that MIL would have thought this was great - her passing bringing us back into contact again - but speaking about these things isn't easy.

cheechee · 05/02/2011 21:13

People dont want to upset him.

bubblewrapped · 05/02/2011 21:17

How old is your son?

Does he really want to talk about it?

I ask that because my cousins were 7 and 9 when their mum died of MND, and my youngest cousin did not want to discuss it with anyone other than my mum (her mums sister).

Children do have a more detached way of dealing with bereavement than adults, as the reality of it doesnt affect them in the say way in that what they will miss in the future.

My cousin didnt really miss her mum until she was in her late teens and it affected her more then.

finallyfree · 05/02/2011 21:17

YANBU i have to agree with bubblewrapped that perhaps these people dont realise your looking to them to help you support your son. Maybe you should be more direct when talking to them. It is important for your son to be able to talk about his dad. He needs to grieve and express his sadness at losing his dad but he also needs to talk about the good times.

Good luck

I am sorry for your and your son's loss

Original poster
elizadoestoomuch · 05/02/2011 21:22

DS school have been fantastic and are using resources from Winston's Wish.
What I find hard to comprehend is that these people, my friends know that I suffered similar bereavement as a child so I have been quite clear that I think it is important that what my DS is going through is not ignored.
How hard is to say "I'm so sad that your dad died".

OP posts:
Onetoomanycornettos · 05/02/2011 21:23

I am so sorry your son is going through this. I agree with everyone who says you need to be more specific, so saying 'I think he'd really like to chat about his Dad if you wouldn't mind listening' rather than just saying 'yes' to some vague offer of support. I know I wouldn't want to blunder in as a family friend and start discussing a bereavement with a 12 year old, I would probably (wrongly) think it was better for those talks to happen with his mum/other closer people. If this is not the case, let them know. I don't think cutting people off early in this process is a good idea, give them a chance to be there (and their idea of support might be to support you about it rather than talk directly with him). There isn't a 'right' way to do this, so go easy on people not getting it right straight away (though obviously if you ask for specific help and don't get it, that's different).

Onetoomanycornettos · 05/02/2011 21:24

I don't know why I thought he was 12- can't see where you said that!

Original poster
elizadoestoomuch · 05/02/2011 21:26

Sorry x post.
DS is 11. yes he wants to talk about it but more importantly he needs to talk about it.
For various reasons he hadn't seen his dad sice October and also his dad lived 50miles away so it is very easy for my DS to continue in his denial because at home nothing has actually changed
I have told friends that it should be talked about but they have all (bar 1 or 2) taken a step back and not contacted us.

OP posts:
bubblewrapped · 05/02/2011 21:28

Eliza, I am sorry for your sons loss too, but I think you are being a bit harsh on your friends.

They are your friends, not your sons friends. No doubt his peers will have their own way of discussing it with him.

He might not want everyone he meets to say "sorry about your dad" you know... some kids just want to carry on as normal.

Does he see his dads side of the family? they are probably the ones who will be more open in talking to him about his dad.

Please dont lose friends over this, its really not fair on them.

Original poster
elizadoestoomuch · 05/02/2011 21:29

Again cross post. No of course I won't just end friendships right now. But I AM very disappointed with my friends reactions.
There isn't anything they can do practically but a few words of symapthy in my sons direction wouldn't do any harm instead of avoiding him.

OP posts:
Suchffun · 05/02/2011 21:31

Eliza - your latest post has made me so cross
on your behalf. As I said earlier I was a bereaved child and if my friends let me down in this situation I would be so upset, it's kind of a double whammy, it's insensitive and unsupportive of your son, and somehow belittling or ignoring your own experience too.

Original poster
elizadoestoomuch · 05/02/2011 21:35

Bubblewrapped No he hasn't seen his dads side of the family for about 8 months. We didn't find out his dad had died till 8 days after it happened.
I know I probably sound harsh. I think what upsets me is that I lost my mum when I was 16 and I have had lots of chats with my friends re how other peoples reactions can affect you, so I thought maybe they understood.
I don't want my son to experience the people crossing the other side of the road, etc.
Thankfully his school have been great but he still won't tell people what has happened. His teacher has said he is in denial. Sad

OP posts:
thefirstMrsDeVere · 05/02/2011 21:37

eliza its good that some of your friends are willing to talk about DS's dad. TBH this could be all you need. A few good friends around you are better than twenty meh ones.

I know the people that made a real difference after we lost DD. They are still my friends and always will be.

lillybloom · 05/02/2011 21:39

YANBU Your son will probably speak to his friends about his dad but he needs adults to chat to as well.I lost a parent at a young age and know how important it is to talk. I never spoke to my friends as it freaked them out that a parent could die and I never spoke to family as I was scared to upsset them. People don't know how to deal with bereavement. Your friends may feel they are giving you some space.

bubblewrapped- your cousin probably did miss her mum but couldn't process the immensity until in her teens.

Onetoomanycornettos · 05/02/2011 21:40

Tell them what you want. As someone else has said, these are your friends, not his friends, and may not (or may) have anything like the type of relationship for discussing his dad's bereavement with them. If one of my friend's children's dad died and I didn't have much contact with the boy, I'm not sure I would be ringing him up to say anything, I would probably feel not best placed to do that if I normally didn't have any one-to-one contact with him. If this isn't right or isn't what you want, I would let them know in a quite obvious way. Better than losing friends when you may need them more than ever.

Original poster
elizadoestoomuch · 05/02/2011 21:43

suchfun to be honest I hold little hope that ExP family will be of support. They blame me entirely. They didn't inform me of his death for 8 days and want my son to attend the funeral on his own.
The reason being that I stopped contact in October because I was concerned about my ExP mental health (big history - I was worried that something would happen and I was right to be worried) and I did not feel safe letting my son visit him. His family were in denial about it and have now made me a scapegoat. We are also not a big family so I really thought our friends would come through for us.

OP posts: