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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off about the reaction to my son's bereavement

137 replies

elizadoestoomuch · 05/02/2011 20:57

My Exp has recently died - he is the father of my DS.
People I regarded as good friends have actively avoided the subject with DS despite me saying how much he needs support.
How can they ignore what he is going through?
These friends are people that I have gone out of my way to help and to support and yet when it comes to something big like a bereavement they are nowhere to be found.
My son needs acknowledgment about what he is going through. But apart from a couple of friends I've heard nothing. I AM prepared to lose friendships over this.
Please tell me if IABU and how would you react to a child who had lost a parent?

OP posts:
sharon2609 · 05/02/2011 23:14

What a very sad situation...I'm so sorry for you. Has your son said that he wants your friends to talk to him about his dad?

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 05/02/2011 23:14

Eliza - of course it makes sense x

and anyway, I wouldn't give a flying fuck what any of them think tbh.

bubblewrapped · 05/02/2011 23:15

Is there not just one person on his side of the family who would be approachable to deal with?

I really would not try to go by "the book" with him, just give him a bit of time, let the funeral get over with, and see how it goes.

Please please dont take this the wrong way, but you say you have been in counselling since your mums death. Thats is an awful long time, and I wonder if perhaps you are worried that your own feelings are going to be the same way your son is feeling. I would say that it probably isnt, given what you have said about his relationship with his dad. If he has picked flowers, and mentioned a couple of items that he would like, I think he is coping ok and accepting it as well as he could at the moment. I would say dont push him to much to make him feel he is bottling things up and that he should be talking more as that may make him worry that he isnt grieving enough (if that makes sense).

Kewcumber · 05/02/2011 23:16

if you were getting maintenance and your DS isn;t mentioend in the will then I think it may be one of the pretty good reasons for contesting a will - supporting a minor. A solicitor would be able to advise.

Original poster
elizadoestoomuch · 05/02/2011 23:17

chipping I doubt it. The grandparents don;t want me there anyway (it was the grandad I spoke to regularly saying "he is ill, please get him help DS misses him" only to be ignored)
The most contact I've had is with the BIL but after he told me I wasn't welcomed at the funeral and I stated my case he now only talks to me in one word responses. Bizarre really, because he did say initially how precious DS was to them and how much they loved him and how he is the last remaining link to ExP yet no-one has bothered to ask how he is!

OP posts:
fit2drop · 05/02/2011 23:20

Eliza , If your son is WXs only child then it doesnt matter what the rest of the family think or do , legally your son is entitled to EVERYTHING his father owned as next of kin.If a will is about then his family would be foolish to keep it quiet as he may well have provide something for some family members other than your son.
This is NOT about you being greedy or grasping , this is about your son getting what is rightfully his and he only has you to fight for him, Tell anyone that objects to jog the fuck on !!!

xx

fit2drop · 05/02/2011 23:22

WXs = EXs Blush

bloody hell im making a lot of typos tonight, but I am typing almost in the datk as I am looking after 3mth old Granddaughter and she is sleeping xx

bubblewrapped · 05/02/2011 23:25

Was your ex working when he died?

There may be a death in service payment that is owed to your son too.

I would definately see a solicitor regarding the legalities of it all.

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 05/02/2011 23:27

Eliza - you have nothing to lose in texting the BIL asking him to bring the photos and cars for DS as it would mean a lot to him & seeing what happens, the worst that can happen is that he wont and you are no worse off.

Fit2drop - that's not quite right, DS would not be entitled to everything if his Dad has a will. If his 'share' isn't reasonable he could contest it, but he's not automatically entitled to 100% But you are right with the other part 'tell them to jog the fuck on!!'

maryz · 05/02/2011 23:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
elizadoestoomuch · 05/02/2011 23:29

bubblewrapped I haven't been in counselling since my mum died. I recently had DC3 and as I was also DC3 I decided to confront my past issues - more a stopping them before they start if that nakes sense.
My mum very obviously commited suicide so I decided to seek help to talk things through (partly because when my mum died no-one said aything) I did this before ExPs problems became apparent.
But yes of course I am worried about projecting my feelings onto my DS.
I will try my hardest not to confuse the 2.
I totally agree re the "not grieving enough" - he didn't see his dsd very often and when he did they didn't do much together but its still his dad
xx

OP posts:
maryz · 05/02/2011 23:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fit2drop · 05/02/2011 23:33

Chipping, sorry I thought I was clearer than I was,

I meant IF NO WILL is about then his son will inherit all , but if there is a will ,as the ex has said the his son will get what his dad wanted him to get .
I was trying to make the point that the family would be silly and probably shoot themselves in the foot to say there was no will

Original poster
elizadoestoomuch · 05/02/2011 23:35

Sorry again lots of cross posts.
ExP was on and off sick since at least July (but info I have been given before hasn't been accurate) then I got a phone from ExP parents in December saying they were sending a cheque for DS for christmas oh and by the way ExP was being made/had been made redundant.
At the the time I told ExP parents that I hoped they wouldn't be the type of grandparents that just sent a cheque each year and they were always welcome at our house. Their reply? We will always send a cheque.
ExP owned a flat - his father lent the deposit that would come out of the estate should anything happen to him. The rest was for my DS. Who knows if that will happen.

OP posts:
fit2drop · 05/02/2011 23:36

Grin@ maryz

eliza, let us be moneygrubbing for you .

Itsa durty job but someones gotta do it Grin

maryz · 05/02/2011 23:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 05/02/2011 23:49

I haven't had much to do with Wills in the UK, but I think the way it works here is that the deceaseds other family (parents etc) are entitled to a share if there isn't a will. Happy to be proved wrong though.

Eliza - let's hope he had a Will then, and that it was written like that in it. It will never, ever, replace having his Dad, but it will help him out when he's older and knowing his Dad did that for him would help him a lot. Fingers crossed.

fit2drop · 05/02/2011 23:58

To be fair Chipping I am only going on the fact that my hubbys brother died and had been estranged from his children for over 20 years. their decision, not BIL's. He was an invalid and they didnt want the inconvenience of looking after him , eventually we heard they had moved away.... a few hundred miles away. When he died we really struggled to get in touch with them but we managed...
they inherited everything as BIL had not made a will.
There was no fight, it was their right legally even if morally and ethically it appeared wrong to outsiders.
They even did an itinerary of every item in the house down to the last ornament Hmmto make sure no one took anything.

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 06/02/2011 00:13

fit2drop :( my friend has been through much the same recently. She looked after her uncle for years, there was no will and so her estranged cousins who never even came to visit, let alone helped to look after him got the lot - but his parents were long dead, so not an issue. My friend loved her Uncle and didn't do it to inherit anything, but it's just so wrong isn't it. Everyone was sure he had a will, but no-one could find it, it was probably under the rabbit hutch or something Grin

Hopefully Eliza's ex has a will and it's all clear cut!

fit2drop · 06/02/2011 00:27

I hope so,

Eliza, You are the best support your son has,take your lead from him , cos thats what us mums do best :) and he will show you, one way or another he will

If I was in your shoes Eliza I would take legal advise on all the other stuff.

Kewcumber · 06/02/2011 11:11

If no will and deceased has children , but no spouse or civil partner then everything goes to children in equal shares.

here

Original poster
elizadoestoomuch · 07/02/2011 12:53

Right now I am getting really pissed off. I have been trying to find out the name and telephone number of the minister who is conducting the service at the crematorium. The family won't tell me and I have contacted the funeral directors but they won't tell me either!
What do I do? I was hoping that DS would have a chance to chat to the minister before the service but that will obviously not happen. The family are expecting us to meet them outside ExPs home to join the funeral cortege (sp)but I am not sure that is the right thing to do considering feelings re so high.
I'm lost here - any advice welcome

OP posts:
Original poster
elizadoestoomuch · 07/02/2011 12:54

are

OP posts:
Original poster
elizadoestoomuch · 07/02/2011 12:56

The funeral directors won't tell me because they can only disclose information like that to the family members who have arranged the funeral.

OP posts:
myfriendflicka · 07/02/2011 13:03

Hi Eliza,

I can understand why you are angry.

Unfortunately people's reactions to bereavement are very complicated. My husband died three years ago, and my kids did not want to talk about it at all at first.

My son now talks about his Dad a lot with me, and has said that he finds it much easier to tell people that his dad died than he did earlier in the bereavement.

My daughter still does not want to talk about it to anyone at all. Perhaps she will when she is an adult.

My friends don't really talk to him about it, or to me unless I bring it up. They say they are frightened of upsetting us.

Do you think your son might benefit from some counselling?

I am glad the school is supportive, my kids' schools were both crap Angry but that's a whole other thread...