to be pissed off about the reaction to my son's bereavement

[elizadoestoomuch]

My Exp has recently died - he is the father of my DS.
People I regarded as good friends have actively avoided the subject with DS despite me saying how much he needs support.
How can they ignore what he is going through?
These friends are people that I have gone out of my way to help and to support and yet when it comes to something big like a bereavement they are nowhere to be found.
My son needs acknowledgment about what he is going through. But apart from a couple of friends I've heard nothing. I AM prepared to lose friendships over this.
Please tell me if IABU and how would you react to a child who had lost a parent?

eliza I'm very sorry for your DS and your loss.

I agree with others that people don't know how to react after a death of a relative, parent or child.

I do agree letting your friends know DS wants it to be aknowledged may help.

11yo is a difficult time to lose a father as you DS will be entering puberty and becomming a man, without a father for guidance it will add pressure. Maybe you could mention this to your friends and even get those that would be willing (male friends or those with dh/p who would help) to tell DS he can come to them for advice and support when he wants.

In the past month I have had 2 pupils die and my uncle. Others at work (not my collegues in my dept) didn't acknowledge the pain suffered and even those in my department didn't acknowledge I was greiving for my uncle. I was more angry and upset about it being ignored than I would have been talking about it.

I'm not sure if this will be the case for your DS but it may well be worth mentioning to your friends DS will be upset either way - so better be over acknowledgment.

My thoughts are with you and your DS.

Eliza, hope the funeral went ok and that you and your son are doing alright.

sorry havent read all

2yrs ago this coming friday my exp (we had 2 sons together) died very suddenly

my sons were both 9 at the time and was a terrible time for them,i did and still talk to them about him (not as much now)but any just didnt know what to say especially to a child

we were lucky that there was a local berevment councellor for them and really think that helped,they also went away with other children that had lost a parent in our county which made them realise there were others in the same situation,i must admit when i came to pick them up i was shocked and saddened that there was so many

anyway dont be to harsh on friends if you can,maybe have a word with them about this

though i have to say since my exp died his family have had NOITHING to do with the boys,i have sent xmas cards nothing back and am so angry about that,but thats another thread

anyway please look into councelling for your child,and maybe you to as i had a very good relationship with my ex and didnt realise i was grieving myself till six months after, it can also have a huge inpct on you to

all the very best

Thankyou all so much for your reponses and for helping me.
The funeral was today. It was odd. Really odd.
DS & I sat a few rows back from the front and were asked by the family if we wanted to join them at the front but DS said no.
The whole service was strange. I didn't get to meet the minister before hand but he did talk about DS and ExP & how much they enjoyed fishing together - they have never ever been fishing together it was most confusing for DS.
Ds was the youngest person there by at least 10years so felt completely overwhelmed because people obviously knew he was the son and wanted to tak to him etc. DS didn't cope with it. As soon as we got outside DS asked to be taken back to our car. He didn't want to go to the wake.
To be honest ExP family were nothing less than polite - they came and spoke to him and reassured him that they loved him as had his Dad and they want to stay in touch with him. It was surreal - like the previous week hadn't happened.
Am relieved today is over and I truly thankyou all for your suport - I really thought I was going mad!
DS is doing ok, just wandering around the house muttering "dad hated fishing, why would the minister think we went fishing together?!" It has caused some light relief though for DS.
Thankyou all again so much - it was truly a sad day and to be honest the saddest funeral I have ever been too. Not sad in a good way IYSWIM but more a lack of anything to say, no emotion, just nothing really. So sad his send off was like that

Eliza - thankfully it's over :( It sounds awful. Poor DS - he should have had imput into the funeral and he should have felt like he was really important - the Minister, knowing he had a son, should have called you. Bloody family.

Maybe you and DS could do something by yourselves - have your own special 'good bye' - send him off again, properly x

Chipping it was very obvious from us standing outside the crem whilst the cars arrived that there was a split in the family. It was very much like we were Joe Bloggs from down the road - how could my strapping 11yr old look so small and fragile, it was like I didn't recognise my own son - he seemed to change physically in front of me.
Tho to be fair to the family they did make a huge effort once they realised DS wanted to go straight home. Part of me did think it was too little too late.
It was truly the oddest oddest funeral I have ever been to (& I've been to a few).
Will def do something with DS to remember his dad.
My DS was the only one who cried! Can you believe that?

Eliza - far too little, far too late absolutely. They could have called this week, the could have made sure the minister talked to DS, they could have got the one fact they did include right... grrrr

You are really so nice & patient with them, very forgiving.

It is really, really sad that a young bloke died, his brother, father and mother etc were there and his son was the only one who cried... very sad :(

I absolutely agree with maryz about the legal stuff - I think you should get onto it tomorrow if you haven't already.

I would start by ringing any of the legal firms he may have used and tell them what you need to know (who is holding the will) and they will tell you how to find out.

I would also call his Grandmother up and ask her when DS can go and collect some things from the house.

Your DS is also entitled to know exactly how his Dad died - so let them know you want copies of the autopsy/Drs notes. He will want these details when he grows up, even if he doesn't now.

Eliza - so very :( to hear how it went, it does sound quite peculiar.

I went to my boyfriend's grandmother's funeral when I was about 24 - I was the only one who cried and I wasn't even related to her! BUt we had been together for about 8y by then, she treated me like a granddaughter - the rest of the family were all terribly stiff upper-lipped about it all, as though it were rather "common" to show any emotion - well, they were all rather like that (including BF, actually!). Oddest funeral I ever went to, that's for sure.

Re. the fishing thing - it might be that the family didn't actually provide any personal detail, and the minister was ad-libbing, thinking fishing was a pretty safe bet! (wrong, but hey) - I've heard that has happened before when no details have been provided and them minister has tried to personalise the service.

Glad it's over and hope your DS can move on now - so sad for him though. :(

Eliza, sorry it was so odd. I am glad though that the family were nice to your DS. Even if you have battles with them ahead, at least you can protect DS from all the ins and outs of it.

Good luck and best wishes to you both

Eliza, glad I didn't offend you (worried about that!)
bleurgh - it sounds like it was a very dismal day and, as you say, sendoff. At least ex's relatives did the decent thing on the day with DS - I'm so glad about that. It sounds like DS got what he needed do you think?

as for the fishing thing - wtf?!? it does get on my nerves when people take funerals who didn't even know the deceased. re the humour: believe it or not, there was a lot of black humour in the months (plus) following ex's death - the family and kids still get together and compare Worst Reaction To The News - people's appalling and thoughtless reactions: so bad you gotta laugh (even though they didn't at the time )

Well done you and your son for getting through it, even though it was a bit bleak