to be pissed off about the reaction to my son's bereavement

[elizadoestoomuch]

My Exp has recently died - he is the father of my DS.
People I regarded as good friends have actively avoided the subject with DS despite me saying how much he needs support.
How can they ignore what he is going through?
These friends are people that I have gone out of my way to help and to support and yet when it comes to something big like a bereavement they are nowhere to be found.
My son needs acknowledgment about what he is going through. But apart from a couple of friends I've heard nothing. I AM prepared to lose friendships over this.
Please tell me if IABU and how would you react to a child who had lost a parent?

And you have definitely got me thinking about my own reactions/responses in this type of situation, I hope I would try to ask what you wanted rather than just guess.

Lilly, she didnt. She will say now that she didnt. Her life as it was didnt change for the worse, (her mum had been degeneratively ill for a long time, in a wheelchair and her dad had been very tied up with her care), so after her mum died, her dad made sure to give her a lot more of his time.. She did miss having a mum when she got older though, and had boyfriend issues etc.. but as a younger child, she will say, it didnt affect her and wasnt something that she was keeping buried.

Eliza, I think losing your mum at 16 would be very traumatic, and you probably dealt with it differently to how your son is dealing with it.

Maybe because he wasnt that close to his Dad, it hasnt affected him in the same way it would if he was with his dad on a daily basis before this happened.

I wouldnt pressure him too much to talk, so long as he isnt withdrawing into himself, and avoiding his friends etc, I would let him lead you on how to deal with it.

To be honest all I want is for someone to say to my son "I'm sorry about your dad".
At the moment it s not real to him and because of our situation nothing has changed in his day to day life.
I just never wanted him to feel this hurt - I did and I never thought my son would go through it too.
DS doesn't know when/how/why he died. he's just not asking anything

How old is your son Eliza? sorry if I have missed that bit.

He's just turned 11 so last year at primary school.

It may be that he doesnt want to talk to an adult about it then. Boys that age, are a bit more reticent than girls, and many dont find it as easy to chat with adults.

If you are able to have a word with any of his friends quietly, and see if he has talked to them, that may put your mind at rest.

I am sure if he has seen any of his friends mums who know about it, they will have said "sorry for your loss" or words to that effect, but kids that age are a bit tongue tied and dont make conversation all that easily.

Is he going to go to the funeral? Does he want to go to the funeral?

I am reading between the lines and it seems his death wasnt due to illness, ie cancer/heart attack, so perhaps that is another reason that your friends havent said anything to him. It may seem awkward to bring it up.

Eliza - I'm really sorry for your DS :(

I can't believe his family didn't tell him for 8 days - that's disgusting, no matter what the back story is.

As for him attending the funeral without you, I don't think he should be made to do that. He has lost his DAD, their feelings come second to his. They will just have to suck up you being there. IF he was in regular contact with one of them and they'd come to tell him or called him straight away and could be trusted to put his feelings first then I'd think about it - but not like this, no way. Do you have a partner/friend anyone who he loves and trusts that could take him and be there for him?

I'm assuming it was a suicide? This little boy is going to need so much support - his family (Dad's side I mean) need to get over their feelings towards you and support him.

When I lost my dad (I was 13) I just wanted things to be normal again. He'd been ill for 3 years and home had been so totally disrupted that the normality and predictability of school was an absolute refuge. And when he died... I felt glad. I'd already lost my dad, years ago to a horrible illness and the man it left was not him any more. I didn't grieve for the man that died, but the father he'd been before.

The only adults who spoke to me about it were teachers. But they were my teachers and it made me feel uncomfortable.I was having such difficulty holding it all together that to not speak about it was easier than breaking down in front of my friends, or my classmates.

You know your son, and his relationship with your friends. If it is close, you are not being unreasonable in expecting them to broach the subject with him, even just saying 'How are you?'. With a gentle, open question they can take the lead from him.

I wish I'd had more adults around in a comfortable, home situation to talk with me about how I felt. Find out why they seem to be avoiding him before you cut them off though.

I think you should book some counselling for him. Obviously there were 'issues' when he was alive, so he probably doesn't want to upset you by asking about his Dad and he's probably in denial as well... poor, poor little lad :(

I don;t know exactly how he died - I've been told it was an ulcer but they are not forthcoming with amy information.
Have to admit I did kick up a stink re me not being allowed to support my son at the funeral and they did relent and say I was allowed.
I don;t trust any of them - I have been telling them for 18months (after his last stay in a psychaitric ward for tiredness apprently) that he was ill and the response I got was that he wasn't ill he was just work shy.
But you know what - I don't really give a fuck what they think of me - I know how many months I have spent trying to keep my son in contact with his dad (hilarious time when I was sat in a solicitor office and he told me I couldn't take my ExP to court to make him see our DS)
The school are worried about him, I'm worried about him. He has told his best friend but that is it.
I know come Tuesday the family are going to be all over him and giving me daggers and he will feel so torn.

And my brother has never spoken about any of what happened, at all to anyone in my knowledge. He's talked briefly about it with is DP (she told me) but that's it.

I was kept away from parts of the grieving process. I attended the service but my mum thought it better to keep us away from the burial. And I'm going to regret all those things forever.

They're being so selfish trying to exclude you from the funeral. He's a lost son, brother, nephew but more than anything he's a lost father. And that child needs all the help he can get. Any person with an ounce of empathy could see that.

Sorry x post.

They even gave me the wrong time for the funeral - I contacted the funeral directors and found out the correct time. They also told me it was at the church but I have since found out it is at the crematorium.

Maryz - I think you did the right thing. I think the worst thing is when everyone ignores that it has happened. Yes you might get visibly upset when they mention it, but it doesn't mean you weren't already thinking about them and it also doesn't mean you don't want people to say things about them!

Eliza - go with him, hold your head up high. Tell DS that it is just fine with you if he wants to talk/hug all of them, that you don't want him to be upset and feeling like he has to ignore them so you aren't sad. He's 11, you have to be upfront with him. Book him into counselling whether he wants to go or not - he needs to go :(

If he has told his best friend, that is a start. Men can often be very withdrawn, my husband didnt talk about his Dad when he died in tragic circumstances (suicide) other than to his best mate.

And at 11, that is the time when boys are in the throes of puberty, growing up, and may want to seem all manly about it but if he is talking to at least his friend, that is something.

Do you have a friend who could take him to the funeral?

Chipping I will go with my head held high. When I stopped access it was becasue I thiught something was going to happen - not necessarily this but if access had continued my DS would have been in a flat on his own with his father dead so I know I made the right decision.
As I say his school have been beyond antastic and are seeing him everyday - they work very closely with Winston's Wish.
Al I want is for people to acknowledge his loss

Eliza, maybe I am reading too much into this but your posts come across as though there is more to it than simply annoyance at your friends not supporting your DS. I think you need some support too - I know it was your ExP that has died, but there is still a lot of emotion and history there for you. Clearly the situation is complex but please don't loose sight of your own needs in all of this.

Our DD has cancer and I have been disappointed about people's reactions. The vast majority of people want to help in some way but don't want to offend or upset you - only the minority can't get past their own embarassment. For us, just saying I am sorry, I don't know what to say was enough. If your friends know the history with your ExP, perhaps they are worried they will offend you or your DS if they approach your DS?

Your son will take things in his own time. I am a bit worried about your assertion that he needs to talk about it. Different people need to talk at different stages. We have recently lost a friend's son to cancer and got loads of advice from our hospital on how our DD (30 and DS (5) would take it. Obviously a different situation than losing a parent but challenging given DD's illness. We were advised to let them ask the questions and respond only to the question they asked, rather than leading them. DS was reluctant to talk but gradually asked us questions, and did a lot of drawing, and then talked to his own friends before coming back to ask the next question: all of which are common behaviours for boys apparently.

I'd recommend getting some counselling or family therapy if you can.

Good luck.

bubblewrapped no I will take him to the funeral. I don't accept the families opinion that I shouldn't be there. My son needs me there and so I will be.

Fucking hell - they really are a pack of bastards aren't they. There is a little boy here, who has lost his DAD.

I will be thinking of you on Tuesday. Keep thinking of us standing behind you, holding your hand - helping you to keep your thoughts to yourself, it will be hard, but you will do it for your Son.

I think you should track down through the funeral directors the details of how he died etc, you need the facts for when DS does start asking the questions and possibly for his counsellor.

Be strong.

How are you coping with the news? I know he's an Ex, but he's still someone who was once important to you and he's still your sons Dad :(

please please dont lose friends over this YET

right now its too soon
I find it hard enough to talk to my OWN children abouyt the loss of their dd and we wrren't seperated so their whole world has flipped

people find it excrutiatingly hard to acknowledge such awful loss and sadness that has happened to someone

I know for a fact that I would be unable to stop mysof tearing up if I tried to say something like 'I'm sorry about your dad' to your ds

obviously I meant DAD not dd

Have you thought about saying to your friends that you know death is a tough subject ,but for the sake of your DS ,could they at least ask him how he is doing ? It is a tough subject ,people act like its catching or something ,but rather than lose friends ,why not throw them a lifeline and suggest things they could say . Yes i know its crap and you shouldnt have to ,but people really are crap when it comes to this .

stripybumpsmum you talk alot of sense. Maybe there is some of my own past bereavement rearing its head here. I just never thought my son would have to experience what i did! And I'm annoyed that ExPs family were in denial for so long that it got to this point.
As far as I am aware there is no suggestion of suicide (which incidentally is how my mum died) but ExP was certainly ill for many months and nobody took him seriously.
I agree with the family therapy - tho I'm still in conselling about my own mums death.

Stripybumpsmum - I am very sorry about your DD :( How is she doing? Very difficult for both of your DC to have their friend die too, especially of cancer x