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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Have just unceremoniously booted small child out of my home.

127 replies

HecateQueenOfWitches · 05/02/2011 12:34

she's about six. She comes round with annoying frequency to play with my nearly 12 yr old. My 10yr old does not acknowledge her in any way but my eldest is far kinder to small children

Anyway, they were in the bedroom and my son came down in floods of tears. She, according to him, had no allowed him to play with the toy they were playing with and had said "fuck you."

She appeared and I got my keys and said "you need to go home. Now."

I then said to my son. "Whst happened?" and he told me, again.

She said "I didn't."

I don't believe her.

I said "Just go home."

And my son yelled "And never come back"

She left.

Should I have done it differently?

I then had to spend ages trying to sort out my son who was yelling that he wanted her to die.

(In case this seems somewhat extreme, it is probably important to know that my boys both have autism)

The girl is quite likely to try to come and play again at some point. Do I tell her to never come again, tell her mother to not let her come round again or try to convince my son to forgive her?

OP posts:

duchesse · 05/02/2011 21:22

I think that a very stern "We do not use that sort of language in this house" might have sufficed. I think that you might conceivably have used the swearing as an opportunity to get rid of her, no?

SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 05/02/2011 21:37

It would have been far worse for the 6 year old to have remained in the house and witnessed Hectates DS1 having a meltdown. My oldest son has Autism and I've experienced these sort of meltdowns - they ain't pretty.

I for one don't think you should have done anything differently. Your DS was very upset by what happened and the girls presence in the house would have exacerbated the situation. You got her out of the house quickly and were able to focus on your son without distractions.

porcamiseria · 05/02/2011 21:46

have re read and did not quite get the autism melt down first time, no in this case you did right

dont beat yourself up, you obv do OK by this little girl

justonemorethen · 05/02/2011 22:15

I think it's a good sign that the oldest will play with her when she comes round.I've always found that the nicest children will accept others of any age although they may have a different styles of interaction with differnt ages.
If she is causing a problem though you need to say "no" sometimes (and possibly more often). Get her into the habit of expecting not to be let in whenever.
Come the summer do they all play out together? It's nice to have all the local children play together and the mix of ages tends to keep it fun. Otherwise it's all packs of teens vs packs of older primary kids and the younger ones just stuck with the parents.

bumpsoon · 05/02/2011 22:59

You are most definately not being unreasonable to ask the child to leave ,even in a stern voice , it is your home ,not hers ,it is your sons home not hers. But honestly if your son didnt have autism ,would you have insisted that he play and be nice to her ? You did the wrong thing for all the right reasons ,now is the time to move on and stop inflicting her on him. As for all the 'poor little six year old' comments ,have you not heard how gaggles of this age group talk to each other ? they can be downright horrid ,with two years of school under their belts .

2shoes · 05/02/2011 23:05

yanbu
don't let her in again

Original poster

HecateQueenOfWitches · 05/02/2011 23:13

"But honestly if your son didnt have autism ,would you have insisted that he play and be nice to her"

I have no idea. But very probably not. I suppose if he didn't have autism he'd have mates he would be hanging out with and would give me a lot of grief if I suggested he play with a small child.

No. They don't all play out together in the summer. Unfortunately, my boys cannot be out without close adult supervision - within grabbing distance - so they don't ever get to play freely just with kids.

I do see that I was very cold to the girl. Rather harsh of me. I wanted shot of her and I was really cross with her. I could see my son tipping over - parents of children with autism will get exactly what I'm saying it's that moment when you look and you just know...

And I know it's wrong of me, but I thought 'YOU did this to him!! ". Not my finest moment as an adult.

OP posts:

freshmint · 05/02/2011 23:15

bumpsoon · 05/02/2011 23:19

TickettyBoo · 05/02/2011 23:21

I agree with freshmint and don't feel yanbu. You've been very kind to the young girl but ultimately she is not your responsibility and if she's affecting your family-life and specifically your boys then it's time to close the door really.

It doesn't sound like she has a bad life or anything - and maybe her mum/parents will make more of an effort to do things with her if she's not escaping off to your house as regularly (or at all! lol).

I would be honest with her mum but maybe emphasise that you don't feel it's necessarily appropriate either as the boys find it hard keeping such a young girl entertained as they have such different interests.

TickettyBoo · 05/02/2011 23:21

"don't feel yanbu" should be "don't feel yabu" lol sorry!

MadamDeathstare · 05/02/2011 23:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

reelingintheyears · 05/02/2011 23:38

What's a DTD??

2shoes · 05/02/2011 23:39

dear twin daughter

reelingintheyears · 05/02/2011 23:40

Thankyou..

rockinhippy · 05/02/2011 23:47

YANBU, if her behaviour triggers meltdowns in your boy then that is more than a good enough reason not to feel bad + not let her in again, the little girl is not your responsibility, your boys are + you don't need the added stress she's causing, ...end of :)

Cain · 06/02/2011 00:00

Hmm, how likely is it that you can convince your son to forgive her?

She is 6, she behaved badly. Perhaps when she comes again it would be wise to have 'a conversation' about her behaviour, but only if you think the relationship will benefit your son - I have no experience of autism so may be talking out of my arse.

I might try to speak to her mother though...

Cain · 06/02/2011 00:07

I could see my son tipping over - parents of children with autism will get exactly what I'm saying it's that moment when you look and you just know...

I didn't read the whole thread, I honestly don;t understand the above comment. Unless you mean he was unsettled in his personal space?
I don't think my comments change, perhaps it might be useful to manage the relationship on both sides... she obviously wants to be friends, do you think it would help your DS to relate to other children to maintain the friend/relationship?

I don't think you have been unreasonable. You know your DS as I do mine. And mine is not a social expert by any means.

MoaningMedalllist · 06/02/2011 00:09

Oh dear I would be more concerned about why she feels the need to come round and annoy ur kids,

I feel for u tho difficult position.

SittingBull · 06/02/2011 00:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Clary · 06/02/2011 00:32

sittingbull if you read the OP's later posts, the child lives next door.

I think it's safe to assume she could find her way home @ shock @ 6yo walking alone...

SittingBull · 06/02/2011 00:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Clary · 06/02/2011 00:50

Seriously Sittingbull?

At what age is it OK for a child to go next door on their own then I wonder?

YeahBut · 06/02/2011 00:50

You asked a child who was in your home uninvited to leave because she was swearing.
Of course YANBU.
TBH, I'd stop her comming round because your sons don't particularly like her and they're not getting much out of having her over to play. They are allowed to not like people!

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 06/02/2011 01:02

Anyone can say they are anything on a website.

Just saying.

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