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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have just unceremoniously booted small child out of my home.

127 replies

HecateQueenOfWitches · 05/02/2011 12:34

she's about six. She comes round with annoying frequency to play with my nearly 12 yr old. My 10yr old does not acknowledge her in any way but my eldest is far kinder to small children Grin

Anyway, they were in the bedroom and my son came down in floods of tears. She, according to him, had no allowed him to play with the toy they were playing with and had said "fuck you."

She appeared and I got my keys and said "you need to go home. Now."

I then said to my son. "Whst happened?" and he told me, again.

She said "I didn't."

I don't believe her.

I said "Just go home."

And my son yelled "And never come back"

She left.

Should I have done it differently?

I then had to spend ages trying to sort out my son who was yelling that he wanted her to die.

(In case this seems somewhat extreme, it is probably important to know that my boys both have autism)

The girl is quite likely to try to come and play again at some point. Do I tell her to never come again, tell her mother to not let her come round again or try to convince my son to forgive her?

OP posts:
Original poster
HecateQueenOfWitches · 05/02/2011 15:17

Yes, redflag. I think I possibly could have. I was very angry. I could also see that my son was about to go nuclear and tbh, I really couldn't be bothered to spend time trying to gently educate this girl while my son was working up to explode.

I do feel that I could have said that it was not nice and we don't use that language. But otoh she denied that she had said it, so had I done that, I'd have had to out and out call her a liar. Which I think has more potential to cause hassle.

I did react in anger (not in my tone of voice but in my immediate insistance that she leave) to my son's obvious distress. I didn't care about anything else. I feel bad about that, tbh. She's only little.

OP posts:
coppertop · 05/02/2011 15:23

I would take this as your chance to end the visits once and for all. If the girl or her mother ask why then by all means tell them that it's no longer appropriate. Otherwise the Junior Hecates are/will be permanently too busy to play etc.

redflag · 05/02/2011 15:28

The gentle education would have been for your son too. He is 12, i know he has autism, but people are going to say a lot worse than "fuck you" to him in his life, this could have been an opportunity to introduce the idea that going "nuclear" is not a good life skill.

Also in he apologizing, the situation would have been forced to defuse.

LadyOfTheManor · 05/02/2011 15:29

Can you pop next door and just say;

"I asked [name] to go home today because she was using language I don't think is appropriate and upset my son, I thought I should clarify things as you know what children are like [cue roll eyes and nervous laugh]". Then leave.

FreudianSlippery · 05/02/2011 15:30

I agree that it's odd for a 6yo to be turning up uninvited to play Hmm

YANBU anyway.

coppertop · 05/02/2011 15:32

There's a time and a place for educating a child with autism. When they're about to hit meltdown really isn't a good time. You might just as well trot out into a storm and ask it to kindly stop raining thank you very much. Absolutely no point.

Blatherskite · 05/02/2011 15:32

I think you did the right thing Hecate. Your DS was about to explode, probably into his rant about wanting her to die, and it was best that she was out of the way quickly before that happened. It would have been harder to calm him with her there and not nice for her to hear those things. Best for everyone if she leaves.

I agree with others though that it's probably best if she doesn't come round anymore. The children are all getting older and things are likely to become more complicated. There is a world of hurt she could cause if she makes something up about what happens in your Son's bedroom while they are alone.

marriednotdead · 05/02/2011 15:33

Hi Hecate.

Don't feel bad.

Your sudden removal of the child will probably have distressed her far less than the reaction your DS was heading towards.

Whether you tell her mother now, or if she asks why her DD's not welcome at a later date, is up to you. But I do feel she should know, to at least give her the opportunity to speak to her about it.

From your DS's POV, she was wrong and you therefore have sent her home. He will probably see this as a just and appropriate punishment, and is unlikely to want to see her again. I say this based on as my DS (14) who's on the AS. He doesn't lie, nor does he forgive easily.

FooffyShmoofer · 05/02/2011 15:34

Hecate don't say what you did was wrong because nobody can catagorically tell you if you did right or wrong in this instance.

You did what you THOUGHT was right. For your son with regards to interaction and the little girl as she seemed quite lonely. Please don't beat yourself up about it.

Lots of people are telling you how you could/should have handled it with her but in the end she is not your priority. Your Son is. You dealt with it as appropriately as you could have in that moment. It was either get her out of the house pronto or allow her to witness your Son in a meltdown. The hasty ejection was probably the way to go.

By the sounds of her I would bet my right arm she will be back tomorrow regardless.

llbeanj · 05/02/2011 15:35

most people seem quite damning of a 6 year old who has apparently said one bad word. did nobody here ever say fuck even once as a child? at 6 she won't automatically know what is acceptable. when i was a kid we often said things that we wouldnt say in front of grown-ups.

i think it is a good thing for your son to learn to be kind as it may be a very useful skill for him to have

i think i would feel sorry for her too.
i dont think you did much wrong, but if your son forgives her and is ok about having her back, would you still ban her forever?

maybe there are times when it is good to have her round if he wants to play cards or a board game. i am much older than 12 and i still like playing some games with small children, although 6 is a little young, maybe in 2 or 3 years.

although if you did let her back in, i think you should make sure it is more on your own terms in future.

bestmamaderwelt · 05/02/2011 15:39

My son who is 4 has a 7 year old friend who lives directly opposite in what i think is a safe house for abused women.

He is incredibly hard work but actually i found just need some one to be kind and care for him.

But its hard work and i don't think if he hadn't had such a hard time i would put up with it.

valiumredhead · 05/02/2011 15:40

Next time she comes round warn her quietly that she is not to use bad language and if she does she will be taken home.

She probably just testing the bounderies as she feels comfortable in your home and spends a lot of time with your family.

If she comes round again tell her it's not conveinient, but I agree with bullet and hero worship. Also worth remembering she's only 6 and not some great brute of a teen swearing, she might hear that language at home all the time and not know quite how bad it is.

olduninBoden · 05/02/2011 15:47

aah the op has drip fed has she?

FooffyShmoofer · 05/02/2011 15:49

No oldun she hasn't. Its all there in the OP.

Blatherskite · 05/02/2011 15:56

No drip feed. Hecate is having to reiterate some points for those who haven't read the op properly though

Original poster
HecateQueenOfWitches · 05/02/2011 16:04

No. Read my first post.

It is all in there.

Go on. Read it and tell me I didn't state very clearly that they have autism.

OP posts:
Original poster
HecateQueenOfWitches · 05/02/2011 16:12

llbeanj - if he forgives her and is happy to play with her again, would I have her in the house - erm. yes. I probably would. She's only litle, like I said, and I have felt sorry for her and tried to get my son to be kind to her and to play with her (as I've already said - just so I don't get accused of drip feeding / changing my story) so if he was genuinely happy to have her in the house again, then I think I would.

However, in light of what has been said here which I had not previously considered, I would not allow them to be out of sight and would probably get the 2 of them playing a game with me instead of just together.

Although - it isn't really age appropriate for him to be playing with a 6 yr old.

I am confused.

In any case, it's likely irrelevent because he is not the forgive and forget type. Once he has decided something, it is very hard to get him to change his mind. Which isn't to say I don't try to teach him that it is not good to be so rigid, btw.

OP posts:
bubblewrapped · 05/02/2011 16:13

You did state it very clearly Hectate, and its a pity some people are too busy getting a sarky comment in to actually bother reading the OP properly.

Original poster
HecateQueenOfWitches · 05/02/2011 16:15

Thanks. Smile

That's really really pissed me off, actually.

I don't mind being told I'm unreasonable. I asked for your opinions because I am biased, obviously, and it is good to get some neutral views on something that I am very emotionally involved in (the upset of my son), but I am royally hacked off when someone doesn't read my fucking first post properly and then tries to be a bitch to me about it.

And, I notice, has not had the common decency to come back and apologise.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 05/02/2011 16:15

The age thing wouldn't bother me, me and my sister used to adore hanging out with our neighbour's older brothers - proper hero worship.

Playing downstairs is probably a good idea though in light of what happened today.

bubblewrapped · 05/02/2011 16:20

Its forgiveable to misread an op when it has no paragraphs and is difficult to read, but the OP was concise and broken down very clearly.

I have been guilty of misreading occasionally, but I will certainly apologise if I am wrong, not come up with another bloody nasty post. Hmm

TandB · 05/02/2011 16:25

I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. Your priority was your son, and from the limited amount I know about autism, I wouldn't have thought that standing around remonstrating with a small child about her language was going to help him, or the situation. It is not your responsibility to deal with her language or behaviour - you did not seek out this friendship for your child and it sounds as though you and your son have been more than accomodating.

I am surprised at those who think you should have used this situation as some sort of learning experience for your son. Some situations just need to be dealt with as quickly and painlessly as possible.

Olduninboden - no, Hecate did not drip-feed. She provided the relevant information in the OP which you did not do her the courtesy of reading properly, presumably because you were so keen to put the boot in.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 05/02/2011 16:38

I think it is perfectly within reason to not have this child round to play again. It is entirely up to you who you have in your house.

Its very difficult if you have a DC who is likely to react in a way that other children dont. If you have to spend most of your time managing your own DC's behaviour and antipating triggers, the last thing you need is someone who is going to upset them (sorry long sentance).

If you didnt shout at her I dont see why you should feel bad.

If a child swears in my house they get told not to do it again. I am not that bothered TBH. If a child is spiteful or takes advantage of my DS2's difficulties they dont come again. I simply cant be arsed to police them.

I dont know if it would help you but I use a video monitor in DS's room. Its a baby one and easy to get hold of. I always tell him and any visitor when its switched on. It really helps cut down on 'incidents'. My DS is fairly oblivious but it means that a spiteful child will think twice before starting something.

ReindeerBollocks · 05/02/2011 16:47

It must be incredibly difficult for your son to have to deal with this 6 year old, given that you have already stated that he finds socialising difficult, and that the 6 year old has told lies in the past, something I know people with autism struggle to understand.

I don't think you were unreasonable given the circumstances, and the little girl didn't sound traumatised when she left your house, however for your son's sake I would make it clear to the mum of said 6 year old that your son just needs her to stay away for the time being.

When your son is ready to play again, keep the little girl within ear shot and explain to her that lying is not acceptable in your household and if she is caught lying then she will be asked to leave.

It can't be nice for her being told to leave at short notice, even though the circumstances called for it, but by giving her clear guidelines of the type of behaviour you expect, she will be more likely to learn from her mistakes in the future.

maltesers · 05/02/2011 16:53

You will jsut have to tell this little child that your DD is out or something if she appears again. Plus, you cannot have her in to play because she is swearing. . .little terror.
Now you know what she hears at home. !!

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