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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have just unceremoniously booted small child out of my home.

127 replies

HecateQueenOfWitches · 05/02/2011 12:34

she's about six. She comes round with annoying frequency to play with my nearly 12 yr old. My 10yr old does not acknowledge her in any way but my eldest is far kinder to small children Grin

Anyway, they were in the bedroom and my son came down in floods of tears. She, according to him, had no allowed him to play with the toy they were playing with and had said "fuck you."

She appeared and I got my keys and said "you need to go home. Now."

I then said to my son. "Whst happened?" and he told me, again.

She said "I didn't."

I don't believe her.

I said "Just go home."

And my son yelled "And never come back"

She left.

Should I have done it differently?

I then had to spend ages trying to sort out my son who was yelling that he wanted her to die.

(In case this seems somewhat extreme, it is probably important to know that my boys both have autism)

The girl is quite likely to try to come and play again at some point. Do I tell her to never come again, tell her mother to not let her come round again or try to convince my son to forgive her?

OP posts:
chickchickchicken · 05/02/2011 17:05

hope you are feeling ok now?
dont worry whether or not you did the right thing allowing her in to play in the first place as most of us with dcs on the autistic sprectrum make the most of all available socialising opportunities.
also it is quite common for kids with autism to get on better when there is an age gap (either older or younger) so i wouldnt let this put you off any future friendships
however, where there is an age gap i would only allow them to play downstairs and have a 'internal doors are to be kept open' policy. i started this when fostering and found that kids just accepted it as the norm in my house

Psammead · 05/02/2011 17:07

Hecate Sorry I didn't reply again (I had asked about how you said what you said). Thanks for the reply. I think you may have been a little short with the girl, but in the context of what you were trying to deal with YANBU. It doesn't sound like she was overly upset by it.

I agree with those saying take the chance now to nip it in the bud.

On the plus side I suppose it has shown your son that not everyone is a nice person in an environment which you have some control over.

softglowsandmaybes · 05/02/2011 17:18

Only thing that bothers me about this is that this childs parents would have assumed she is at your house, although by her language i can imagine that they dont give a toss where she is Hmm but i would be concerned in case she didn't get home safetely, little monster or not. I am befuddled by a child just turning up anyway, what was a six year old doing out on her own?? my DD is nearly six she would be terrified to be out alone and no way would i allow it

softglowsandmaybes · 05/02/2011 17:18

apologies if i missed the answer of course only read the first page of thread Blush and no YANBU!!!

Psammead · 05/02/2011 17:21

Quite sad really that a six year old can't go next door to knock for friends Confused

And I don't think her use of one swear word equates to neglectful parents. Kids try these things out, it's all part of pushing boundaries.

softglowsandmaybes · 05/02/2011 17:22

AH, see, ignore me - she lives next door Blush although i would tend to pop my head in and make sure she was home and i would tell the bloody mother why too! might shame her into watching her language infront of her children

Original poster
HecateQueenOfWitches · 05/02/2011 17:23

Oh no, don't worry, she lives next door. she went home.

She has been out on her own for far longer. We have lived here for over 4 years. When we first moved in she was already playing out on the street alone.

It is a 'close'. we are at the dead end end of it, iyswim. Although cars do belt down it to turn round, it is not a through road.

It is a parental decision as to whether or not it is a safe place for a toddler to play. Each must make their own judgement. I'm not commenting on that. Just saying that she has been given that level of independance since I have known her, so she knows how to get home.

I do watch her though. I worry. Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
HecateQueenOfWitches · 05/02/2011 17:25

Oh, I haven't said her language is the result of her parenting, Psammead, I just want to make that clear for anyone skimming the thread! I haven't speculated as to where she heard it at all.

I know kids pick these things up all over the place!

OP posts:
softglowsandmaybes · 05/02/2011 17:25

Sign of the times i suppose Hecate, im pretty sure i was playing out at that age but the thought of allowing my 5 year old to play out is a completely alien concept to me, i mean, why would you do that? Maybe if i lived a close? I don't know, its a tough call. And you are right, its up to them i suppose :(

bullet234 · 05/02/2011 17:25

You made it very clear in your OP that your sons have autism and that this explained why the reactions of your nearly 12 year old might be deemed to be unusual.

softglowsandmaybes · 05/02/2011 17:28

And Psammead you are right too, if she is playing with older children (im not suggesting yours hecate!) she may well pick up vile language.

Note to self: Try and connect brain to fingers before jumping in!!

Psammead · 05/02/2011 17:29

Sorry, Hecate my swearing = neglectful parenting comment was intended for softglow and not you, specifically "by her language i can imagine that they dont give a toss where she is". I should have made that clearer.

softglowsandmaybes · 05/02/2011 17:31

I concur Psammead

Psammead · 05/02/2011 17:32

Lol. X-posts all over the place.

I think I am just paranoid because I dropped a carton of cream and swore loudly in front of DD today. She's only one, but I can imagine by the wicked grin that spread across her face that she has made a mental note of it for future inappropriate use!

It was bollocks, btw Blush

Original poster
HecateQueenOfWitches · 05/02/2011 17:32

No, I knew what you meant, I just didn't want someone skimming the thread to attribute it to me.

[traumatised] Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
HecateQueenOfWitches · 05/02/2011 17:34

I have done that too.

I spent the next hour convincing them I'd said bollards Grin

Swearing is against The Rules and is met with total horror. If there's one thing you can count on, it's strict adherence to The Rules.

And I don't take advantage of that at all by claiming it's the law that children have to be in their bedroom by 830.

Blush
OP posts:
llbeanj · 05/02/2011 17:37

i think you might be a good influence on your neighbours child!

bullet234 · 05/02/2011 18:20

Ds1 called DH a meerkat today. I don't think he's quite got the hang of cutting insults yet and he hasn't yet got an idea about swearing.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 05/02/2011 18:45

DS2 spent a year calling people 'students' Confused

Now he has moved on to 'chickens' . Not in the cowardly context, just chicken as an insult.

I have no clue why.

Original poster
HecateQueenOfWitches · 05/02/2011 18:53

In this house the worst thing to be called is "bowser". It appears to be a terrible insult. Hmm

OP posts:
LadyOfTheManor · 05/02/2011 19:03

ha ha ha bullet :o

peanutbutterkid · 05/02/2011 19:18

"why is a six year hold coming over uninvited to play with a much older child"

Used to be quite normal, really, nobody would have impugned unhealthy motives :(.

olduninBoden · 05/02/2011 20:09

IME it is very very normal for even very young children to pop over to a trusted next door neighbour to play what evr the relative ages.
I think some people are living in cloud cuckoo land if they think any child can get to 6 yrs of age without hearing the 'F*' word. Also many MNers would get a terrible shock if they heard what their little darlings say in the playground!

MrsNonSmoker · 05/02/2011 21:07

I think its a timely pointer that even though your DS may like to play younger games, and its worked out ok in the past, now might be the time to stop it - surely its only natural that they won't always want to play together? OK you wouldn't have chosen it to end like this but isn't this an ideal time to draw a line under it?

porcamiseria · 05/02/2011 21:21

oh dear! I think you were a little bit harsh on a 6 year old. I agree that you should not have to entertain her, but you could have been kinder to what is, a very small child

but I think you know that already......

6 year olds are not evil, she will have learnt that language from parents or at school

but all in all, not a good playmate for your boys