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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have just unceremoniously booted small child out of my home.

127 replies

HecateQueenOfWitches · 05/02/2011 12:34

she's about six. She comes round with annoying frequency to play with my nearly 12 yr old. My 10yr old does not acknowledge her in any way but my eldest is far kinder to small children Grin

Anyway, they were in the bedroom and my son came down in floods of tears. She, according to him, had no allowed him to play with the toy they were playing with and had said "fuck you."

She appeared and I got my keys and said "you need to go home. Now."

I then said to my son. "Whst happened?" and he told me, again.

She said "I didn't."

I don't believe her.

I said "Just go home."

And my son yelled "And never come back"

She left.

Should I have done it differently?

I then had to spend ages trying to sort out my son who was yelling that he wanted her to die.

(In case this seems somewhat extreme, it is probably important to know that my boys both have autism)

The girl is quite likely to try to come and play again at some point. Do I tell her to never come again, tell her mother to not let her come round again or try to convince my son to forgive her?

OP posts:
bubblewrapped · 05/02/2011 12:52

It is quite rare for autistic people to lie and make things up as far as I have experience of it.

Original poster
HecateQueenOfWitches · 05/02/2011 12:53

Yes, you are right, bluddy. I should have. That was a big mistake on my part. I just felt sorry for her because she is only little and doesn't have anyone to play with. I spent ages trying to get that through to my eldest and to try to get him to be kind and to entertain her when she came round.

that's ok, mutz. I make sure to put it in my OP because I knew that without that information, my description of my son's behaviour would be outragious. whereas knowing that he has autism, while not excusing socially unacceptable behaviours, does make it easier to understand.

OP posts:
Original poster
HecateQueenOfWitches · 05/02/2011 12:56

So. should I tell her mother what she said, or should I let it die down for a few days then tell her that I am trying to support my boys to behave in an age appropriate manner and I think that playing with a 6 yr old is not what boys of their age would do, so I am sure she will agree that it's best if her daughter doesn't come to play any more?

OP posts:
bubblewrapped · 05/02/2011 12:58

I would tell the mother what she has said. If she is going to punish her daughter for it, it has to be at the time it happens, not a few days later.

And I agree, its not really appropriate for a girl of 6 to be in a bedroom with a boy of 12. Sorry, but I just dont think it is. Especially not if she is precocious and prone to making things up too.

BluddyMoFo · 05/02/2011 13:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Psammead · 05/02/2011 13:01

Not sure.

How did you say 'you need to go home. Now' ? I mean, the way I read it, it sounded quite harsh in my head, especially coupled with the thread title saying you unceremoniously booted her out. If you said in like that then I think YABU. I don't think it's necessary or kind to talk to small children in that way.

If I am way off and you were more gentle then I think YANBU.

I think you should have said 'we don't use that kind of language here' to let her know why she was being booted out.

I am left feeling sorry for this girl, tbh.

And for you and your sobs because of the upset it caused you all.

Maybe tell the mother it's not always convienient and maybe you could prearrange a play time - once a month or something? If your son forgives her, of course.

peanutbutterkid · 05/02/2011 13:02

I had to do something similar, once Hecate.
We lived in an overwhelmingly immigrant area, and the local children played out a lot without adult supervision. I became chatty with some of the little girls, the eldest about 6yo. My own eldest DC was only 3yo.

The 6yo invited herself into my house one day, which was fine, really, I am laid back. But then she kept touching things I told her not to, finally I shooed her out very firmly, with the comment that tomorrow was a new day and she was welcome to try again then, but she had to mind my rules ifever she came again.

She came to visit loads of times after that, and was always Good as Gold!

I think in your case you have to just be firm, Hecate; your son doesn't want her to come in that that's that. Maybe he will change his mind, ifever they will become friends again from contact in outdoor space.

Psammead · 05/02/2011 13:03

Sons!!! Not sobs!!!

Terrible typo, sorry.

warthog · 05/02/2011 13:08

i would tell the mum the truth - that your ds isn't getting on so well with her anymore which culminated in an incident and you think it best if she doesn't come round for a while.

Original poster
HecateQueenOfWitches · 05/02/2011 13:14

How did I say it? Quietly. Calmly. Without any emotion. Flatly. I was very aware that I had to make sure I did not show any anger. I am, sad to say, quick to get furious when my children have been so upset. I got my keys and opened the door.

She certainly did not appear upset in any way. Just said "ok" and wandered off up the path.

I suppose it wasn't very kind, but I wasn't feeling very kind. Blush I knew what was coming.

I was thinking it might blow over and he may forgive her. She has been unkind before. Telling him "Your family is the worst" when she couldn't get her own way.

I heard that one. My god, she spat it out. Shock He was very upset about that too. I spent a lot of time talking it through with him, explaining that sometimes small children say things that they don't mean, etc etc.

Is it time to call a halt? I had not considered the alone in the bedroom thing, until bubble raised it.

OP posts:
Original poster
HecateQueenOfWitches · 05/02/2011 13:15

Yes warthog (and the rest of you Grin ) it's probably the best thing to do.

OP posts:
bubblewrapped · 05/02/2011 13:17

It shouldnt be an issue, BUT if she is prone to lying, and isnt exactly the sweetest tempered child if she doesnt get her own way, I would hate to think what she could make up in the future. She already sounds like a little madam, so I would be very wary of letting them spend time unsupervised.

humanoctopus · 05/02/2011 13:28

A friend gave me advice years ago about having other children over to play.
She said to never allow the kids to play upstairs, that they should be within earshot whenever possible.
Sorts out episodes like yours.
I can't see why kids need free reign over the house?
I have kept to this and its great, and sometimes alarming, to overhear the conversations they have.

FooffyShmoofer · 05/02/2011 13:30

I was thinking the same as Bubblewrapped. She sounds quite street wise not to mention thick skinned for a 6 year old it makes me wonder what she might be capable of coming out with in the future if thwarted.

This may well be a blessing in disguise especially for your son. Does he actually enjoy her company or is he tolerating her? Stopping her visits as a result of this incident might well be the way to go.

Original poster
HecateQueenOfWitches · 05/02/2011 13:35

No. He tolerates her. I have tried to make him be kind to her and play with her, because I was so hung up on making him be nice to people and interact well, socially. Blush He wouldn't have cared if she never came round at all.

I did the wrong thing in that, didn't I?

OP posts:
oldbeforetime · 05/02/2011 13:41

When I was about 11/12 there was a girl of 5/6 who lived round my corner from me. She used to ring on the doorbell at all hours for me to go and play with her, sometimes I could put up with her, other times I would say I was busy.

One day she rang at 6.30am - my dad answered the door, marched the girl round to her parents house (who up until this point we'd never seen), and said do not allow your daughter round to our house again.

The mum said that it was perfectly normal in her country (she was antipodean can't remember where exactly) for children to go round to friends houses at all hours.

My dad said I'm sure it is if a) both children are mutual friends and b) both children are similar ages.

Never saw her again.

bullet234 · 05/02/2011 13:43

"why is a six year hold coming over uninvited to play with a much older child"

It's like Violet Elizabeth Bott in Just William, isn't it? The sort of hero worship of the older child, wanting to do what the older child does.

bullet234 · 05/02/2011 13:46

As for the actual situation, if your ds1 is not happy with her playing with him, then she shouldn't come round. If she is making him upset then she shouldn't come round.

MsKLo · 05/02/2011 14:05

I totally agree it is your boy's Job to play with thus girl so yes, I am saying this kindly as possible but you did the wrong thing. Your poor boy - don't inflict this situation on him ever again

olduninBoden · 05/02/2011 14:56

Your DS is 10 and bursts into tears when a 6 yo girl tells him to F* off!
OMG he is going to me marmalised when he starts secondary!

Myleetlepony · 05/02/2011 15:04

FGS olduninBoden, read the thread.

BringOnTheGoat · 05/02/2011 15:07

I feel really sorry for the little girl in all this. She doesn't seem to have much of a life - sounds quite an angry little girl. YANBU to not want her there, YAB a bit U to just get her out. We all handle things differently but a word with her mum is in order I think - a gentle one though - just a what happened and why things need to cool off.

redflag · 05/02/2011 15:12

Did you not feel it appropriate to explain bad words were not to be used in "our" house and then ask her to say sorry?

I must say i think you over reacted.

Original poster
HecateQueenOfWitches · 05/02/2011 15:12

My son is nearly twelve. The 10 yr old is my other son, who I stated ignores the girl. I clearly stated that it was the nearly 12 yr old who she said "fuck you" to.

I also stated quite clearly in the OP that he (both of them actually) have autism. I did this so that people could understand that they do not behave like children who do not have autism. I don't know how much you know about autism, but they do not behave like non-autistic children.

And yes. He does get a lot of hassle because he has autism. He is generally isolated and friendless. I fully expect that secondary school will continue to be hard for him because children can be cruel.

Bringonthegoat - yes. I felt sorry for her too. That's why I let her come round.

OP posts:
Tabliope · 05/02/2011 15:17

I wouldn't let her round again. If the parents say anything just say she swore and you don't want that language in the house and anyway the age gap is too much, your boys are growing up etc. I'd keep it at that. I don't think you've been that OTT. She swore, upset your boy so you showed her the door. That's life.

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