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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be proud of being and wife and to want to be acknowledged as such?

945 replies

WriterofDreams · 01/02/2011 12:41

I've read quite a few posts on MN from people who are annoyed, and quite rightly so, at being called "Mrs" when they're actually a Ms or Dr or some other title. I've actually found I have the opposite problem, where companies send me correspondence with the title "Ms" even though I put Mrs on any forms or letters I send. It also quite annoys me when I introduce my DH as my husband and people persist in calling him my partner. I chose to get married and being a wife is an important part of my identity that I would like to have acknowledged. I like being "Mrs DH's name" although I do draw the line at being called "Mrs Dh's first name Dh's second name," as I haven't actually changed my first name at all.

AIBU to expect companies and professionals to use the title I've actually selected rather than the PC catch-all one?

OP posts:
thewook · 01/02/2011 14:13

Mamchocolat not everyone wants to politicise their life? Everyone's life is political (with a small p) so it can't be helped- every choice we make has an impact, however small. I for one am very glad that some women and some men in the past made it possible for women to have more choices eg over whether their identity was to be defined by a man (their father or their husband) or not.

spongefingerssavedmylife · 01/02/2011 14:13

Swan - Ms isn't accurate, it's a daft word (or more of a noise really). Much better to make up some new words.

eg
Bzz XXX - has a partner of the opposite sex but not married.

Czz - woman in civil partnership with a woman

Dzz - woman with woman partner but not in civil partnership

Fzz - man in cp with man

Gzz - man with man partner but not in cp

Hzz - single straight male

Jzz - single straight female
etc

Then we can all be proud of what we are

Bucharest · 01/02/2011 14:14

Ha ha ha, Nope, fraid not. I'm nearer 50 than 40 so am just about hanging onto my own teeth, let alone a man.

thewook · 01/02/2011 14:14

Bucharest Mr Collins perhaps?

StuffingGoldBrass · 01/02/2011 14:14

Maisie: As was said further upthread, midwives with a ward full of women to treat have more important things to worry about than which one's actually married and not just passing herself off as a respectable married woman, the hussy! So using the polite cover-all term of 'partner' is perfectly reasonable.

Bucharest · 01/02/2011 14:15

(actually, I do have one, ( man that is,) and when you see him in his Kermit and Miss Piggy pyjamas of an evening, snoring and farting away, you'd all get immediately what they mean about Italian men.....)

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 01/02/2011 14:15

This wasn't a ward, smarty pants - this was one woman (me) in a delivery room

MamaChocolat · 01/02/2011 14:16

PArtner sounds like I;m in buisness with him. I am but Im also in LURVE and in church with vicar and ring. IT were lovely. MRs is cool.

NikonNelly · 01/02/2011 14:16

TBH I would happily get rid of titles all together wh can't we just be called by our names eg. Janet Smith or Sam Dodd or whatever.

But, whilst titles are bing used, I want to be Mrs, because I am.

fedupofnamechanging · 01/02/2011 14:17

i think midwives use the word partner to mean birth partner. That is not necessarily a husband or life partner. Could be your mum.

I like the word partner. My DH is my partner. Being married doesn't affect that one way or the other.

I am completely indifferent to my title. It's not who I am, it's just a form of address.

I do like being married though (to my DH, anyway). When we got married, nothing changed on a day to day basis, but something felt different and I can't really put my finger on what that was, because we were equally committed before the wedding day. Is anyone else like this or is it all in my head?

thewook · 01/02/2011 14:17

Stuffinggoldbrass no titles at all- brilliant idea. Just people. No fuss or bother, nothing to be proud of, annoyed about, worried about the connotations of, etc...

EldritchCleavage · 01/02/2011 14:18

Although it grates, I do get why the 'partner' and 'mum' thing have developed as generics for medical staff to use when addressing patients or their parents. They don't remember each person's circumstances. Far more important they remember your blood group/dosage etc than titles or marital status.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 01/02/2011 14:19

It was patently not my mum as it was DH asking the question, and it wasn't about a birthing partner, it was about the rules on the ward for when we moved up. 'Partners' are allowed to visit between these times, that sort of thing...

NikonNelly · 01/02/2011 14:21

Karma When we got married, nothing changed on a day to day basis, but something felt different and I can't really put my finger on what that was, because we were equally committed before the wedding day.

Yes, we were the same. After the wedding ( a small affair, blink and you'd have missed it) we both said that whilst nothing had really changed, same people, same house, same jobs, same everything something imperceptible had changed, something big but unseen.

Original poster
WriterofDreams · 01/02/2011 14:21

Your attitude Eldritch reflects a way of thinking that I find understandable but sad. It's the attitude that if you're proud of something in your life then you're somehow judging people who don't have that particular thing. Why can't someone be proud of something without it reflecting on other people? People seem very quick to put themselves down and talk about what's wrong and bad about their lives and almost seem to want to cover up all the good things, as if they're ashamed of them. If I express pride in my academic achievements it's not because I think others are less able than I am, it's simply because I'm happy about what I've achieved and wish to celebrate it, at no one else's expense. If others feel judged by the pride I feel then that's their problem not mine.

OP posts:
thewook · 01/02/2011 14:22

Maisie why was your husband so annoyed by this?

EldritchCleavage · 01/02/2011 14:23

That is emphatically not my attitude, Writer, but I see it as a possible, if not likely trend. I certainly did not understand you to be denigrating the unmarried or divorced. I'm sorry if I seemed to be projecting that onto you-I wasn't. Please, similarly, don't project onto me.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 01/02/2011 14:23

Far more important they remember your blood group/dosage etc than titles or marital status Absolutely.

I'm a Ms. Always will be. I might reconsider we started referring to unmarried men as "Master", but I doubt it. My marital status has eff all to do with anyone I deal with outside of my family and friends.

Titles are cack anyway, with the exception of academic or military ones.

swanandduck · 01/02/2011 14:23

Sponge

And maybe

Smzzzz - Smug married who is so relieved to have a man they want it validated everytime they fill in a form.

I'll stick with Ms = Married but don't need that R to make me feel important.

thewook · 01/02/2011 14:23

WriterofDreams What about being proud of being English, or proud of being white? Also OK?

fedupofnamechanging · 01/02/2011 14:23

It's a weird feeling isn't it Nikon, but very nice.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 01/02/2011 14:24

Because of the reasons already explained - he'd asked if he could be referred to as my DH and was told that they don't do that because not all of their 'ladies' had husbands. So tough, basically...similar to "I'm not calling you Catherine, I'm calling you Katie"

swanandduck · 01/02/2011 14:24

But Writer

I have several degrees but I don't put letters after my name. Yes, I am proud of them but don't see why that entails shoving them under everyone elses nose.

LeQueen · 01/02/2011 14:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thewook · 01/02/2011 14:25

Maisie but why did he?