To be proud of being and wife and to want to be acknowledged as such?

[WriterofDreams]

I've read quite a few posts on MN from people who are annoyed, and quite rightly so, at being called "Mrs" when they're actually a Ms or Dr or some other title. I've actually found I have the opposite problem, where companies send me correspondence with the title "Ms" even though I put Mrs on any forms or letters I send. It also quite annoys me when I introduce my DH as my husband and people persist in calling him my partner. I chose to get married and being a wife is an important part of my identity that I would like to have acknowledged. I like being "Mrs DH's name" although I do draw the line at being called "Mrs Dh's first name Dh's second name," as I haven't actually changed my first name at all.

AIBU to expect companies and professionals to use the title I've actually selected rather than the PC catch-all one?

Ok, 27 pages of comments? TL;DR, so sorry if this has been well covered by now, but some of the responses have ruffled my feathers a bit, so here is my 2 pence..

It's ok to be proud of being married. It's ok to be proud that you've made a legal/religious commitment to a man, and that they are your husband, and you their wife. It's not for everyone, and that's fine. Being married does not make you superior to anyone who is not married, either by choice or by circumstance. It does not mean that your love is stronger, that your relationship is more stable. Just as much as some married couples do have a better, stronger relationship, so do some unmarried couples have better, stronger relationships. It comes down to preference.
Just as your title comes down to preference. Ms is technically correct for any female, married or unmarried. I understand why it is the default title companies/businesses use. However, when you have provided your full personal information to a company, ticked all the boxes and filled in all the details, those details should be respected. If I say I am married and my preferred name is Mrs DH'sName, then respect that, and call me that. If I am married or single and choose Ms Name, respect that too. Defaulting to Ms regardless of the person's choice is rude, and frankly would indicate bad service to me by ignoring what they've said. What else that you say to them will be brushed aside so casually?

So, OP, you are not being unreasonable. If you are happy with the choices you have made in life, be proud of them. Anybody who feels the need to nitpick and sees your opinion as being subservient and anti-feminist has overlooked the importance of the right to choose. If you take away choice, we go back to being forced into a pigeonhole. Choice gives us control. That's something that men do not have when it comes to their title. Hardly equal, is it? So perhaps we should consider ourselves lucky on this front.

I thank you hully.Am far too knackered to be that erudite and had typed a gobbledy post about nothing trying to say what you did so succinctly x

I like being Mrs Kalimaka, if you don't mind!

Can I ask those who actively like it and aren't just in the not bothered contingent what it is about being identified as married that you like?

noddy - I just keep posting it throughout the thread at regular intervals in a vain hope that it might be grasped.

Marantha, the word partner can't mean anything you want it to mean. It can't mean a chocolate teapot or the distance from here to the moon. It has a meaning which most people understand (except some like Lequeen's husband who seems to think it means someone who is part of an unmarried couple?). Midwives and other public sector workers use it because it is inclusive and they can't make assumptions about people.

They don't need to know if your partner is also your husband/lover/boyfriend/toyboy/temporary shag/co-habitee etc unless it is of particular importance for some legal reason like benefit entitlement.

Of course if Lequeen's husband had asked to be referred to as husband (which it doesn't seem he did, he just made some confused statement), the midwife should refer to him as a husband and not go against his wishes.

Although I would be annoyed to be constantly referred to as either a wife or a partner by a healthcare professional. It is like being mummed. I would rather be referred to by my name if I am going to be in a labour room with someone for 12 hours.

K A L I K I M A K A. whoops I can't spell my own married name!

LeQueen-did the midwife actually tell you that other women get offended?What a funny thing to say

Mrs Kalikimaka, aah, I like the sound of that! Time to make some cup cakes and put on my make-up before DH comes home, Hully!

Exactly GreatShatnersPost.

Hully - that's the provenance, true. But nowadays there are more happy equal marriages than not, so it no longer has those connotations. Or at least, not for everyone. So it really does come down to showing respect for someone else's perspective and preference.

I'm also a wife (at the moment; awaiting divorce); but not with my DP of 4 years.

You need to get over it. It's a title. It doesn't define you.

Oh wukter - how nice were that the case. But it ain't.

I agree with LeQueen - Mrs used to denote possession but now it doesn't so why can't we recognise that? Lots of words that once had negative connotations are adopted by the oppressed group they referred to, and often it shows how that word has lost its negative power. The term "nigger" is a good example - it used to be a highly offensive term used by white people to put black people down, but now it's often used by black people as a friendly term - it's been claimed by them and it's lost its power to offend (of course in some contexts it is still offensive, I accept that). I don't see why because Mrs was once offensive it should remain forever offlimits - surely it's a good thing that times have moved on enough that we can now claim that term as a positive rather than a negative thing?

WoD

You know how yesterday I said I wanted your drugs? Now I really really really want them.

The term "nigger" is a good example - it used to be a highly offensive term used by white people to put black people down, but now it's often used by black people as a friendly term - it's been claimed by them and it's lost its power to offend

I'm gobsmacked by your story, LeQ. Why on earth would an unmarried woman be offended by someone else having a husband? That's bonkers.

All this tiptoeing around trying not to offend people. Why can't all these shrinking violets grow a pair and stop being so weedy?

FFS.

OTHM

I'm so old now everyone assumes I am a Mrs. Sad isn't it?

The term "nigger" is a good example - it used to be a highly offensive term used by white people to put black people down, but now it's often used by black people as a friendly term - it's been claimed by them and it's lost its power to offend

This is quite possibly my all time fave MN post.

A FRIENDLY TERM

Hay sooooos!

Hey there Nig, how ya doin'?

Ok Hully you'd better go and tell my friends to stop using it then, seeing as you've decreed it's not possible for them to do so.

I think its fair enough to use it if you want but to deny its meaning and to feel proud is laughable.