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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be proud of being and wife and to want to be acknowledged as such?

945 replies

WriterofDreams · 01/02/2011 12:41

I've read quite a few posts on MN from people who are annoyed, and quite rightly so, at being called "Mrs" when they're actually a Ms or Dr or some other title. I've actually found I have the opposite problem, where companies send me correspondence with the title "Ms" even though I put Mrs on any forms or letters I send. It also quite annoys me when I introduce my DH as my husband and people persist in calling him my partner. I chose to get married and being a wife is an important part of my identity that I would like to have acknowledged. I like being "Mrs DH's name" although I do draw the line at being called "Mrs Dh's first name Dh's second name," as I haven't actually changed my first name at all.

AIBU to expect companies and professionals to use the title I've actually selected rather than the PC catch-all one?

OP posts:
Litchick · 02/02/2011 11:20

Bonsoir you are quite right about some jurisdictions not being the friend to the married.

When we lived for a short time in France the tax implications of being married were dreadful.

As I'm sure you know.

Bonsoir · 02/02/2011 11:20

My father always slips up and refers to DP as "your husband".

No he's not!!! Grin

And I could never, ever take DP's surname. Anna + über Jewish surname sounds like a wizened old lady Sad

noddyholder · 02/02/2011 11:20

I always object if dp calls me his wife too!

Bonsoir · 02/02/2011 11:22

Indeed, Litchick. And inheritance... responsibilities to in-laws... cannot bear to think of it!

Litchick · 02/02/2011 11:22

Ah you see DH's surname was nicer than mine anyway. And easier to spell.

But them I kept my maiden name for work and business. And I use a nom de plume for my writing.

Multiple personalities Grin

Bonsoir · 02/02/2011 11:23

My surname is totally passe-partout. DP's is completely unpronouncable in English!

MarshaBrady · 02/02/2011 11:25

Ha me too Litchick. Mrs x for estate agents and schools.

Professional name for me and emails etc

I use whatever I want, and no one says anything.

(Bonsoir I went in to the other room for a minute and imagined a whole sophisticated Parisian wedding complete with Lanvin simple dress. Oh dear... got carried away)

MarshaBrady · 02/02/2011 11:28

Dh's surname is very English sounding. But combined with Mrs it still reminds me of mil. It's a shame!

Perhaps a nice aristocratic name would have been better.

Waldorf.

EldritchCleavage · 02/02/2011 11:34

Miss, definitely unmarried

Not so, there are lots of marrid Misses. I'm one of them. Like Kungfupanda says, in some professional contexts all women are Miss, so it was being used as a not-revealing-of-marital-status title before Ms was even thought of.

Have to say, Writer0fDreams you have taken the drubbing on this thread with very good grace.

EldritchCleavage · 02/02/2011 11:34

Married, even.

Ephiny · 02/02/2011 11:46

I don't see what's romantic at all about marriage, it's just a legal contract. I love having a partner and sharing a home and the life together that we have, but if we get married (and we probably will) it will just be a formality - no dressing up, changing of names etc. I don't see it as making a committment to each other either, we already did that a long time ago.

DP would not dare refer to me as his wife, not in my hearing anyway :) Partner is perfectly fine, married or not, IMO.

farmazon · 02/02/2011 12:30

I'm not sure if anyone else made this point but being able or not to choose a suitable partner and to create a stable relationship has a lot to do with your upbringing.

So those of you who were LUCKY to have stable happy childhoods, no abuse, no alcoholic parents etc are more likely to identify a suitable partner to start family with and maintain your relationship.

Moreover there is also a small issue of personal attractiveness and intelligence. Again if you LUCKY enough to be good looking, being able to obtain good degree and have a good job and all the opportunities to socialise, travel etc that come with it , you are more likely to come across a suitable partner.

The point I'm trying to make is that is much easier for some people to "achieve'' a happy committed relationship so have some empathy people and don't get fucked off when midwives,out of respect for other people's life circumstances, call your husband a partner

Original poster
WriterofDreams · 02/02/2011 12:39

Isn't that true of any achievement though Farmazon? There's no way I'm ever going to have a number one single but I don't hold a grudge against those who are lucky enough to be able to sing and I don't expect them to hide it.

FWIW I have a cold unloving mother and was sexually abused as a child so I suppose that makes my happy marriage even more of an achievement.

OP posts:
farmazon · 02/02/2011 13:04

It's not about holding a grudge. I'm happy for everyone to be happy content successful good looking talented etc

It's about putting things in context.
It's about acknowledging that some people might have been less fortunate, talented or just plain less lucky than us.

I don't begrudge anyone their successful lives. But I think we all agree that some people have it easier in life than others. We are not equal. We don't have equal opportunities in life. Amount of effort we put in achieving things in life doesn't always reflect in our achievements.

And I think Writer that you have every right to feel proud of your family and relationship.
Just don't expect other people to feel like a failure because they haven't achieved this in their lives.

Original poster
WriterofDreams · 02/02/2011 13:11

But I don't expect other people to feel like a failure, why would I? This issue has come up a few times in this thread actually - the idea that being proud of something means you are rubbing it in other people's faces, pointing out their lack of achievement. Surely that's not what it's all about? Can't someone be proud of something without it being about other people and their insecurities?

OP posts:
NikonNelly · 02/02/2011 13:13

Farmazon "And I think Writer that you have every right to feel proud of your family and relationship.
Just don't expect other people to feel like a failure because they haven't achieved this in their lives"

To be fair, I think WoD has said a number of times now, that feeling pride (her word) in her relationship stands alone and is in no way a reflection on others and their relationship status. From what she has said, she in no way judges others as 'failures' for not being married. I think she feels that she can have a feeling about something personal to her, without it being in any way connected to others or their relationships. Not every feeling is a comparison, some can stand alone.

farmazon · 02/02/2011 13:21

Ok to be fair I did come across wrong.
I do think you can feel proud without rubbing it in other people's faces. So apologies.

I was more annoyed with those people who were so outraged because poor midwives dared to call everyone a partner. Poor little lambs. Someone could have thought that they are cohabiting or even worse that they are single mothers.

Original poster
WriterofDreams · 02/02/2011 13:25

Thanks Nikon, that's exactly what I was trying to say. I have absolutely no objection to people living together without being married, it doesn't bother me in the slightest. If someone feels bad about the fact that I'm married and they're not, that's their problem, not mine, surely? I do wonder why quite a few posters have tried to belittle the significance of being married by using the term "wee wifey" and implying that I have no self esteem or no intelligence. It seems like an odd attitude to have and I wonder where it comes from.

OP posts:
ThisIsANiceCage · 02/02/2011 13:28

I think it's what one measures the achievement against, WriterofDreams.

With your relationship, you are comparing to the misery of bad relationships elsewhere in your family, and of the aftermath of sexual abuse. And measured against that, your wonderful, happy relationship is indeed a marvellous achievement.

But with "I want everyone to know that I'm Married", what's the achievement? What are you comparing to? The natural answer would be, Not Being Married.

I think that's what's annoying people.

I think for you, the public trappings of married status are just a little affirmation of the successful relationship. But the way you've posited the OP - and the way you talk throughout - makes it sound as though you think Being Married is the achievement, not Having a Good Relationship.

lovechoc · 02/02/2011 13:29

I'm afraid I just see marriage as a contract, a partnership (I'm married btw) and not in a romantic sense. I love DH but I don't go banging on about being a 'wife' to people I know or don't know. Who gives a toss really.

I've never romanticised about marriage, and got married at the registry office (less fuss that way).

YABU - worry about more important stuff please!!

Original poster
WriterofDreams · 02/02/2011 13:29

I don't think anyone except people with very religious or traditional backgrounds would really feel shame or annoyance at the idea that someone thinks they are cohabiting or a single mother. That's certainly not my issue. I have no problem with companies or people who don't know me going with the default Ms and partner as it's polite and considerate not to make assumptions. My original issue was with people who asked for my title, were given it, and then continued to use the wrong one repeatedly. However, the thread sort of morphed away from that issue and I became more interested in the derisive attitude a lot of posters seem to have towards marriage and towards the role of being a wife, as if being a wife is somehow pathetic or only worthy of stupid people.

OP posts:
PlanetLizard · 02/02/2011 13:31

YABU.

Do you think there should also be a title for men that "acknowledges" them as someone's husband?

lovechoc · 02/02/2011 13:31

"I don't see what's romantic at all about marriage, it's just a legal contract."

I agree, Ephiny. It's also expensive to get married (ching ching more cash for the Government)

JimmyChooChoo · 02/02/2011 13:33

Writer-only skimmed through and you have been very polite and graceful(and of course totally not unreasonable-although I personally don't care if people call me Miss/Ms/Mrs) but I think alot of posters must be thinking you're a little smug and that's why they're responding with the 'wee wifey'attitude.

lovechoc · 02/02/2011 13:33

I have also wrote on forms 'MRS' and they also correspond with 'MS' but I suppose they are covering their backs and using a blanket title for every woman these days - as a company you can't go wrong!

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